Friday, 13 May 2011
Last night's blog was my "toe in the water" attempt at feeling people out and seeing what, if any, feedback I would get. I'm writing a book on infertility because I want for women to have somewhere to turn besides the cold medical texts.
I also think it'll be helpful for people that love people struggling with this so please keep the comments coming...they're helping me make sure I touch on everything that really matters. I know I'm blunt and sometimes crass, but I'm writing the book that I wish was on the market when I was going through this.
One thing that really struck me when my husband and I were going through the process of trying to get pregnant (we did insemmination) was that even the doctors felt like there wasn't really any need to act as if you are a person that has an actual heart. I often wondered if they thought they could screw open my back and find 4 D batteries keeping me alive.
Just because I have trouble getting pregnant doesn't mean I like to expose myself to strangers. I'm not sure what gave them that idea. But, sure enough, when I went in for one of my appointments, the doctor walked in with five med students. He asked if I minded if they observed.
As I lay on the table with a paper towel gown covering nothing but half of my left arm and my legs spread open like Crystal Cave, I figured they'd already gotten enough mental pictures and it'd be futile of me to send them out now.
Little did I know, the doctor's definition of "observe" also means "fiddle around in your vag". Each med student took a turn with the ultrasound wand which was shoved unceremoniously in my special place.
Do you know how it feels to have a room full of strange men take turns touching your most private area and then discuss it as if you're not in the room? It's mortifying. My husband sat in the chair watching these men get to 3rd base without so much as a dinner date. But what could he say?
After they left, I just felt cold. I felt like a specimen being observed because I was such an effing screw up that I couldn't produce a child. Here I am, a woman, and I can't do the only job that a woman is created to do.*
*Disclaimer: This is how I felt due to the way I was treated by the doctors and by society. This is not a truth though and it's my mission to make sure other women do not feel like infertility is a personal failure.
More tomorrow. This subject exhausts me.
Have you ever been caught off guard in a very sensitive situation like this?