Friday, 13 May 2011
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Can You Tell Me Your Name Before You Fondle My Fallopian Tubes?
Last night's blog was my "toe in the water" attempt at feeling people out and seeing what, if any, feedback I would get. I'm writing a book on infertility because I want for women to have somewhere to turn besides the cold medical texts.
I also think it'll be helpful for people that love people struggling with this so please keep the comments coming...they're helping me make sure I touch on everything that really matters. I know I'm blunt and sometimes crass, but I'm writing the book that I wish was on the market when I was going through this.
One thing that really struck me when my husband and I were going through the process of trying to get pregnant (we did insemmination) was that even the doctors felt like there wasn't really any need to act as if you are a person that has an actual heart. I often wondered if they thought they could screw open my back and find 4 D batteries keeping me alive.
Just because I have trouble getting pregnant doesn't mean I like to expose myself to strangers. I'm not sure what gave them that idea. But, sure enough, when I went in for one of my appointments, the doctor walked in with five med students. He asked if I minded if they observed.
As I lay on the table with a paper towel gown covering nothing but half of my left arm and my legs spread open like Crystal Cave, I figured they'd already gotten enough mental pictures and it'd be futile of me to send them out now.
Little did I know, the doctor's definition of "observe" also means "fiddle around in your vag". Each med student took a turn with the ultrasound wand which was shoved unceremoniously in my special place.
Do you know how it feels to have a room full of strange men take turns touching your most private area and then discuss it as if you're not in the room? It's mortifying. My husband sat in the chair watching these men get to 3rd base without so much as a dinner date. But what could he say?
After they left, I just felt cold. I felt like a specimen being observed because I was such an effing screw up that I couldn't produce a child. Here I am, a woman, and I can't do the only job that a woman is created to do.*
*Disclaimer: This is how I felt due to the way I was treated by the doctors and by society. This is not a truth though and it's my mission to make sure other women do not feel like infertility is a personal failure.
More tomorrow. This subject exhausts me.
Have you ever been caught off guard in a very sensitive situation like this?
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About the Author
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- From: NoelleN@xanga
- Name: Noelle
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Comments (28)
It's awful that doctors would do that, and I am sorry they made you feel that way. If it is any consolation at all, some doctors are just that way. I'm pregnant with my third, and I've had doctors behave similarly. Getting a vaginal ultrasound from a student is a nightmare; one couldn't find my ovary, and it was quite painful the way she kept trying to shove the wand farther and farther over when there was nowhere else for it to go. (You'd think a woman would know better.)
P.S. I didn't read your previous post, but this book sounds like a great thing for you to do!
Um, I would say, no. And if they began touching you or talking like that about you, I'd tell them to stop before I exchange the favor of the fucking wand. They have no intrinsic right to touch you in any way you are uncomfortable with, whether they're homeless men off the street or doctors themselves, even if you have already consented to it.
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - I think she's just saying they could be less cold about it. It's not just a regular gyn visit. It's an emotional situation and should be treated like one.
I do let students observe visually but not physically. I also let em dra blood... that's it though...
I would have said no... I mean even for me I don't like having to deal with too many people...
I love my OBGyn but I can't stand my nurse practitioner ... I just dislike her like no one else in my life... so needless to say I schedule around her schedule.
p.s. Im really glad you';re writing a book like this. my mom went through IVF 3 times. spent tons of money. none of it worked and then after the 3rd attempt they told her she had too much scar tissue on her ovaries to keep trying... the scaring was the fault of the clinic and the procedure... I couldnt imagine!
Ugh, this makes me want to go to med school and become an OB/GYN or some sort of infertility specialist. I guess I'm a little sensitive because my husband works in infertility, so this is special to my heart even if it's not something I've personally struggled with. But I have seen how heartbreaking this journey can be and I'm sorry, there is no such thing as "just another day in the office" when it comes to infertility. That doctor was a jerk.
I understand why you would feel violated, but honestly, you had the right to say no. You could have asked them to stop observing at any time and they would have to immediately. Those students have to learn somehow and by observing and talking about it is how they learn. I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds to me like this is something you brought upon yourself.
Please send the above blog to the offending doctor and his supervisor. Their behavior was inexcusable!
Christy, RN
There's nothing wrong with telling your doctor "Why, yes, I actually DO mind." I'm sorry you had to deal with such an uncomfortable situation. Hopefully his med students take a few courses in bedside manner.
@yourkbear@xanga - UGH. I could almost feel my ovary shuddering when I read your comment lol. The wand is the worst! Thanks for your comments :)
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - Agreed. But, I was in shock that it was happening. AND i was desperate to get pregnant and thought if maybe all these people were looking at me, someone would figure out the problem.
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - @MommyMarty22@xanga - EXACTLY. It wasn't just another day to me. When I go to the gyno, I understand that my vag looks like the 40 he saw earlier in the day and he doesn't really care who is attached to it. Honestly, I don't care who is attached to the hand holding the speculum. But, when I'm at a FERTILITY doctor whose job it is to help me get pregnant, I feel like they should care.
@hollyswhirled - Oh LAWD, I'd be insane if I were your mom!
@mevlink@xanga - THANK YOU! I think when you specialize in something SO emotional, you MUST have a heart about it. I don't really see how you wouldn't anyway...to see someone suffering should make all of us step back and examine our own behavior towards them, in my opinion.
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - I wrote him a letter. I didn't think it was fair for me to have to make another appointment, miss more work, pay another $50 and put myself through more emotional stress just to tell someone how to grow a heart.
@loveslikethisx33@xanga - Wow. I KNOW I had the right to say no. And I understand that med students need to learn. My issue was that the doctor asked me when they were already in the room looking at my vag. AND he asked if they could "observe". "Observation" means to observe...not to touch. As I said earlier, I was at the end of my emotional stress rope. I didn't have time to think about how it made me feel until afterwards and, honestly, I didn't write this to make people judge me or feel sorry for me. I wrote it to let others see what women dealing with infertility have to go through and ask that they treat them with a little more respect and kindness.
@Christy412@xanga - Actually he's no longer with this hospital because I imagine he had several other complaints. Thank you :)
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - Thanks :) I hope so too.
"My husband sat in the chair watching these men get to 3rd base without so much as a dinner date."
Sorry, but I just had to point out that you don't know the bases. I highly, HIGHLY doubt that they all got down and performed oral sex on you.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - The "bases" when I was young meant 1st - making out, 2nd - feeling up, 3rd - fingering and Home Run - sex. I may be older than you ;) And, really, that wasn't the point of this post so it's a non-issue. It was an attempt to add humor to an otherwise emotionally charged experience.
Awkwardly interesting; I wonder if this sort of experience is commonplace.
@NoelleN@xanga - yeah I think she's given up... I told her I would surrogate for her but it creeps my step dad out hah
@NoelleN@xanga - the person that commented about this is an idiot... I don't understand why they let idiots post comments.
@NoelleN@xanga - @hollyswhirled - Oh... and I'm sorry for all the comments at one time haha... but he should seriously listen to meatloaf... pretty sure he wrote a song about this lol. (the bases... oh the bases)
@BimmerPhile@xanga - lol 3rd base isnt oral sex... that would technically be trying to steal home plate.
I usually tell interns, students and spectators to GTFO.
The major medical center near me is a teaching hospital. The only time I allow them to accompany is for my neurological disorder. Only because it's rare and people have to learn. But if within five minutes they make me feel uncomfortable, I tell them to move shop.It's my way of saying "gain people skills, before you work with patients".
I've gone through the exact same thing, and that also happened to be the first time I had a vaginal ultra sound, but it didn't feel "cold" or awkward to me. They also didn't give me the choice, just told me that the students were going to stay and observe (hey didn't touch, just watched). It didn't bother me at all, though. I just figured thats their job, they've probably seen hundreds of lady parts before, and they're not supposed to get too personal with patients anyway, so whatever. Also I was just relieved that SOMEONE was finally seeing me after such a long night in the ER, I didn't give a crap who it was.
The doctor should have asked before they came in AND told you before you said yes (or nodded or whatever) that they wouldn't not JUST be observing. They did set it up in a way to make it harder to say no and were less courteous of your feelings than they should have been.
That being said, if you were so uncomfortable, you could have told them to leave (I understand that is tough to do for some, including myself). And also realize they're not checking out your body for kicks (when you said they'd gotten enough pictures that you might as well not stop it then, even though you were so uncomfortable); they are there to learn and practice so they can become doctors. I also am sure you know this (and I'm sure others have said it); I'm just stating my views.
@hollyswhirled - LMAO now THAT would be a story!
@hollyswhirled - LMAO you're killing me today!
@FallingSafely@xanga - Agreed and good for you!
@Persiankitty@xanga - Yeah, I think it would have been different if they did just observe. That's why I consented. I understand that they're trying to learn. And it also wouldn't have bothered me if they took turns with the wand if they spoke to me and acted like I was human.
@lygophilia@xanga - Yes, totally understood. And as I said to someone else who had a similar view, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me or validate that it was a crappy experience for me...just let other women going through this know that I can commiserate and they're not alone. Plus it was kind of humorous in hindsight :)
i am so sorry you felt this way. i would say no i am not comfortable. sorry!
you should maybe report them. :)
Ew I would have definitely said no students! Sorry, I know they have to learn some how but not with me. Also, why did they ALL have to do it? Idk why they have all the students together, for goodness sake bring it one at a time.
I had an exam done once and they had a medical student in there, and i felt a little mad because they didn't tell me and i was so not comfy with talking about why i was there and this doctor and this girl talking to me who i didn't know.
It was upsetting.
@prettykay04@xanga - Thank you :) They are no longer at this particular hospital :)
@marryingin2010@xanga - Yeah, it was definitely a full house in that room!