"Don't feel guilty if the desire to have a baby isn't there. A lot of women think there's something wrong with them if they don't want to have a family. There isn't."
I feel like there's something wrong with me. I don't know how much I can believe Dr. Phil...
So I'll try a
quiz...
"You are 73% ready for a baby!"
"You are almost ready to have a baby. Your situation in life means that you are comfortable and happy which is ideal when planning to have a baby. You will not need to change your whole life for your new arrival as it will adapt easily."
I don't think I agree...maybe I should try
another one..."Your Result: You might be ready. Before you make a final decision, you should have a serious discussion about it with your family and doctor."
Hmmm...maybe this quiz thing isn't going to work out either.
I just see so many people having babies right now and trying to have babies (my friend Catherine is due soon, Erin is due on my anniversary, Rachel is trying, 10 people just HAD new babies). It's weird being at this age. My family (and Stephen's) are starting to do the *nudge, nudge* when-ya-gonna-have-one thing and I just feel WEIRD about it.
I don't think I have the desire to have a baby. I see the process of putting yourself through pregnancy as horrible and terrifying. Then there's the fact that you give up THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That scares me too.
I must be a terribly selfish person to feel that way, but I can't see giving up everything just to have a kid. I want to travel. I want to go out when I want to go out. I want to sleep when I want to sleep. I want to have money to shop and fix up our house. I want to make love to my husband on OUR time, and I don't want to have to worry about another human being COMPLETELY dependent upon me.
I don't know how moms do it. It's amazing. And I don't think I want it.
But then, I see a cute kid at church or Stephen will make a comment about what our kids might be like or I'll say something about how "If that was MY kid, I'd..." and I wonder. What am I missing out on? Am I missing out on anything? The things that make me happiest right now are Stephen, Zoey (my dog), my friends, my family, my free time and my job.
I don't know. I know I've had this conversation with myself before. I'm TOTALLY not ready. I'm TOTALLY not comfortable with it. And I feel like there are more drawbacks than benefits to having kids.
But I still wonder...
How do you KNOW when/if you want to have baby???
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Comments (26)
If you have to ask you probably aren't.
@Grtt@xanga - Good point. Don't get knocked up just because that's what is expected of you.
No... just no. Don't have a baby until you absolutely, can't-live-without-it want one. There's no reason to bring yet another child into this world to be raised by someone who is not really sure they want one. Live your life and enjoy it. There's no reason you HAVE to have babies. It's just something that you can do if/when you're ready.
I agree with shimmerboadycream. Don't have a baby because it is expected for you to have a baby. Have one when you are ready. However, I'll give you advice that others gave me. There is no such thing as the perfect time to have a baby. If you are waiting for the timing to be perfect, you may be waiting a really long time because there is always going to be something that isn't exactly 100% the way you imagined it would be or should be. I'm so glad that I was careless with my b/c and ended up getting pregnant when I did because I wouldn't have my son because of all the worries about the timing not being right etc. etc. etc.
@Grtt@xanga - This.
I don't know if I ever want to have kids.
Don't have one. Wait until you want one.... just because everyone else says you're "ready" to have a baby doesn't mean you are ready... ESPECIALLY if you aren't sure you want one right now.
My heart goes out to those kids who have parents that often talk about how they weren't "ready" to have a kid and list off the million and one things they would have done had they not started a family before they were "ready" to have one. I know plenty of parents who openly talk to their children about what a mistake it was starting a family so early or doing it because it was the "right" timing even though they weren't prepared. I know they try to pull it off as a "learn from my mistakes" kind of lesson, but in my opinion it makes the kid feel like they are not wanted.
You sound like a person that wants to be able to tell your child you had him/her because you couldn't imagine your life without them. When you feel that want and desire to hold the title of Mommy.... you are ready. Until then, wait. And if that desire never comes... then it never comes. You are not required by some unwritten law to have children, so don't ever feel like it is a forced destiny.
No one is ever fully prepared to have a baby. I would say make up your mind before you are 35 lol I came to the point where I thought "its now or never." I'm glad I decided to have a baby, but if it had been a surprise, I would never have said it was a mistake. Children are a blessing, yes they are a big responsibility, but well worth it. It is a selfish-killer, but that's a good thing.
You can never "be ready" to have a baby because you can't really understand all that it entails. However, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children it's called being "childfree". Lots of people are choosing that nowadays. Good luck!
I didnt want to have kids till after I was 25, Im 22 and half way to delivery... 20 weeks.
I still have times where Im like "I cant handle this" "I miss drinking and sushi" yada yada... but... god gave me a gift... I was on birthcontrol when I concieved so it must have been fate I guess lol.
Plus I don't believe in abortion... just dont let anyone pressure you. =] if it's supposed to happen then it will and if not, it wont.
I don't think one can ever be fully ready. You really have no idea what parenthood is about... UNTIL YOU'RE A PARENT. People can tell you about it all day long, but that doesn't mean you know how you'll react to having your own.
If you don't want to let go of time for yourself or your finances and all you see are the negatives about having kids, just wait.
My sister and bro-in-law really, badly, want children. She's a nurse and hopes to one day be a nurse practitioner. She knows that means more schooling. She sat and thought about it, whether or not she should go back to school THEN have a baby, or have a baby and then, eventually, go back to school. She just asked herself one simple question, "If at the end of my life, and looking back, would I be more upset about not having a child or not being a nurse practitioner". Her answer was not having a child. So, they're trying to have a child. That's more important to her than anything else. So, you can ask yourself the same question, periodically. You may change your mind later on down the road, or you may not. Just don't let anyone pressure you either way. Be a parent because you want to be a parent, not because everyone else is having cute babies and people keep asking you.
Enjoy your life!!!!! Go take real dancing lessons, visit Europe and get lost not knowing the language, learn sign language and show it off to people, DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT!!! Im 21 and regret having an "unlived life". When my daughter turns 18 Im sending her to Europe for graduating with "good grades" and I am going to "rediscover myself"!!!! lol. Maybe I can go across the country in an RV. Maybe I will be able to do everything but she is alittle too young right now. Im determined not to "end my life by raising another one". There is a way but it is tricky juggling it all. Dont let moms fool you!!!!! They do not just "go wherever you go and go with the flow". Misery loves Company sometimes. Just wait til you are 40 if you have to. Your offspring will come eventually if you want to have child. Done be rushed because everyone else is poping out kids. Call them up in 4 months and ask "How they like being a mother?" We hate that question because by four months we figure out that we can not control these humans and they wont do anythin we ask. haha. Then call at 18 months because then they are really mobile and breaking what "adult property" you managed to collect over the years. They will color on the walls. They will learn to love and then torture the dog. Other moms will have competitions about EVERYTHING! Who cares about "when they learn to talk" or "walk". My daughter is appearantly a late bloomer. My docs will even make you feel bad if they are not on weight. First my girl was too skinny and now she has a "pot belly". I dont know why. I AM WARNING YOU!!!! DONT DO IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY!!!! I suggest you make a "bucket list" of sorts and do everything before you have a kid. Im doing that and looking forward to doing everything!
Though Dr Phil is correct in this case, I wouldn't be listening to him all the time. He isn't qualified to give a lot of advice that he does. Most of it is his personal opinion.
I don't think you are being selfish by considering the idea that you might not want children. In fact i think you are being extremely responsible by knowing what it is in your life that makes you happy and being aware that having children could very well impede on that. Additionally, your priorities could very likely change and evolve with more time. perhaps in 5 years you will start to feel that having children would bring you more fullfillment than current aspects of your life. I definitely believe that people grow and move through stages in life and priorities can change. however they also may not. And again, you are being a responsible person by not succombing to the pressure to have children just because everyone around you wants you to when that decision could make you less than thrilled with the choices you make.
I think I've known that i wanted kids since I was young but the amount of that desire has waxed and waned depending on where I was in life. In my 20's, I led the crazy late night party lifestyle and I KNEW I did not want kids untill much later even though my friends were settling down. now I'm older, I have moved into a lifestyle where my focus is on my home, my relationship with my husband and the family I want to create. I definitely did not feel this way 3 years ago though. And I've JUST gotten to a place within the last year that I would be absolutely comfortable if i were to HAPPEN to get pregnant.
You can never be fully prepared to have a child. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children or waiting longer than your friends or family did to have children.
This is just my two cents worth. I can't speak for anyone else, but for what's it worth, since I am a Christian, I sincerely believe that children are 1)gifts and 2)God's way of creating more worshippers. I have one son, an 8 month old, and though there are some really difficult days, there are far more greater ones. I learned that it's not the child's job to make you happy (as some people just want children so they will "be happy"), but rather, I have been given an image bearer of God to devote my life, my time, and my heart to. And the greatest gift of all is that I get to share the Gospel with my son and hope that he grows up to love and follow the Lord. Thank you.
I'm in the boat that I don't want one right now, are being safe, but if by some freak of nature I get preggers, thats okay too.
@Grtt@xanga - he/she's got a point...though self-doubt is common, if you have to ask and continuously justify certain parts of being "ready to have a baby", you're probably not. But not to worry, there's a big difference between being ready to have a baby and wanting to have a baby.
No kids for me. I see nothing good coming from it. I wouldn't be able to love a kid, I think they're all annoying and evil. I really, really hate kids. You have NO idea.
If you don't want one, don't have one. It's the same way for me, with everyone saying, "When you have kids..." or "Your children will..." But I'm not like you. I love to tell people how much I despise children. Except people with kids. I always have to act like I love people's kids. Like "Oooh, that's sooo cuteee!" when I really don't give a crap. Lol. Babies are ugly, fat, and nasty. I don't want to squeeze that out and then have to take care of it. Nope, not for me.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
There are some people who have known all their lives that they do not
want children. There are others who weigh the pros and cons and see
what fits them better. There are some who hate kids and then have some
weird moment of epiphany that entirely changes that. I don't think
there's a definite way to reach such a conclusion. Some people may see
themselves not wanting kids now, but maybe later they will change their
minds. If you think that you will change your mind as you get older, I
say just make sure that option is still open to you (so don't get your
tubes tied or have your spouse get a vasectomy). I know a lot of my
peers are having kids as well and they tease me about when I'm going to
have my five and quite honestly, the thought of having even one child
REPULSES me for many reasons. Most of which you've mentioned. I don't
think it's selfish at all. I think it would be selfish for you to have
children and then neglect them because you weren't ready to face the
commitment that was involved with raising them. I don't think you're
missing out on anything if you feel that your life is fulfilling. Don't
get me wrong--I LOVE kids. I volunteer at kid's events, and I play with
the kids that my friends have. I just want to be able to get away from
them at the end of the day so no kids for me. I know myself well enough to realize that having someone depend on me that much is just not an ideal situation for me.
You feel it in your heart and even then you should second guess yourself.
@At_Sixes_And_Sevens@xanga - I think the OP is married. When you're married, you have sex. It's a way of bonding and being intimate with each other.
Thanks for the feedback all! It's appreciated! I definitely agree with the sentiment that "if I have to ask, I should wait." My husband and I have no plans to have kids anytime soon. . . but it's been on my mind. . .
It's been rough lately, there are days when I think I want one, then in the back of my head are all of these drawbacks and scary parts and the selfishness comes out of me. . . and I wonder if that will EVER go away?
I really appreciate all the advice and feedback though
@At_Sixes_And_Sevens@xanga - as glittershadow says, I'm happily married. No need for a vibrator here
If you don't want one right now, that's perfectly okay. You can take some time to enjoy just being with your husband. Sometimes I wish we'd done that, but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. However, I think the most important thing for you to do is to talk to your husband about it. Sometimes, if one spouse is ready and the other isn't, it can be a big stress for the relationship. More than that, if he's not ready either, then you don't have to worry about the family pressuring you.