My first Mothers' Day was a gruesome train-wreck with no survivors. Just a few days before, my husband had piled all my stuff into trash bags and dumped them at my father's house and wanted a divorce. I spent the night before Mothers' Day sloshed and stumbling in stilettos, missed my train back home (which I had spent all the cash I had on hand on), and got stranded in the city, which made me abandon my visiting relatives with my infant son the next day.
With the holiday quickly approaching, as tough of a cookies as I may be, dip me in a bottle of baby formula and I still crumble. But my nervous crumbling this time around isn't from fear, but relief, elation, that I am happily settled with my man and our two little boys.
More than my own love, hate, and heartbreak of spending my Mothers' Day and the ensuing months as a single mom, the hardest part was thinking of what that would do to my son (and by June when I was pregnant again, my second spawn).
The world we live in is more single-parent friendly than its previous chapters have been, but that doesn't make it something to seek out.
Most of my friends with kids are single mamas who had their babies in high school, and against all stereotypes and struggles, are the most impressive mothers and children I know. When you have no option but to be strong for your kids (and yourself), you
are strong.
My own parents divorced when I was just starting elementary school and my younger brother was just a wee wiggler. Neither of us have any recollection of our parents together, and I remember having to explain what divorce was to kids at school.
Divorce was a labyrinth of shoots and ladders through every level of the Inferno for my parents, and even though it happened a lifetime ago, my brother and I got sucked down too as we grew older, and only now that the connections of their kids is exiting the scene are my parents finally civil and accepting of one another. This is not the case with many divorced families, but the truth behind our parenting strength and facades is that we parents, and our own parents, and theirs, are still just people.
My husband had agreed to see a marriage counselor once while we were separated, and within minutes the man suggested that we divorce and put our son up for adoption so that we would have no further connection to each other. I kept my raging mama bear in her mental cage as much as I twitched in anger to claw the counselor's eyes out, and tear the limb twiddling his pen from his body.
The philosophy behind his brash suggestion was sound though: our son deserved compassionate, communicative parents. Plural! If we couldn't give that to him, maybe someone else could while he was too young to know the difference.
Single parenting stretches you thin, even when you have a sperm donor to take over on every other weekend or whatever your custody schedule may be. Bringing in new significant others or remarrying can help, but it can also breed contempt and confusion. Before, when, and after my wedding I never considered divorce as an option save for a reaction to serious physical abuse. If you see that as your get-out-of-jail-free card, why would you get married in the first place?
I would never have had a child had I thought he wouldn't have a healthy home to grow up in, and I stood by those guns throughout it all, even my time alone while pregnant. I had faith in our (then broken) family, faith in myself, and faith in my husband. I want my children to grow up to respect and honor relationships, respect and honor marriage, and have a good example to look back on.
Yet I feel alone in this. Is divorce so accepted because it really is a good option that previous generations ignored? Is it just the times? Are people just to afraid of all the years "'til death do us part"? Are we too proud to want a "normal" family for our children after we screw up our adult relationships?
While I am not an advocate of outright "staying together for the kids," I am an advocate of putting conscious thought and action into a relationship, and keeping your nuclear family from a meltdown will make life emotionally, physically, financially easier and happier for all parties involved.
What has your experience led you to conclude about marriage? What do you want your kids to know about marriage?
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Comments (6)
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you wrote. I don't know if that counsellor who suggested divorce and adoption was trying to shock you into a malleable form or if he really believed that (wow, jaw dropping, and i'm not sure how you didn't jump the dude). When I was 9 months pregnant with our second, my husband and I had a marital crisis and we sought counselling. Best thing we ever did. It made me mad though that our counsellor told me not to have any more children. Ha.
What do I want my kids to know about marriage? I want them to know the stability of it. The security of knowing "we are in this through thick and thin." They have already seen us argue, I'm not sure it's a good thing to shield them completely from reality, although we always stop and take it up later when the kids aren't around. Or once we took it to paper and our 4 yr old took "love letters" back and forth between us (they were really fight letters lol). I don't think divorce is a good option without something really drastic, like abuse, unless both parties are not willing to work through it. I wouldn't be willing to be the only one fighting for the marriage, I don't think that works anyway.
When we went to counselling one of the first things our counsellor asked us was if our parents were still married to each other. His are, mine were until my Dad died. She asked how long each were married and added those years together. She said, "between the two of you, you have over 45 years of marriage experience. You come from stability. Don't you want that for your children, too?"
Our kids have seen us argue, have seen us kiss, have seen us playing around, have seen us cooking dinner together and cleaning up together. I think reality is important to show. It isn't a fairy tale, but happiness does exist. Love is a choice. Marriage is a choice. But once you make it, there it is, it is done. Now figure out how to make it work.
I think people take marriage too lightly these days. We live in a disposable, quick fix, convenience based society and that naturally has translated into our views on marriage. Unfortunate, eh? I take marriage seriously. I have been married only a short time (what I consider married...a concrete-long-term commitment...wedding to come :)), but we have had our ups and downs over the past several years. I certainly would not have accepted his proposal if I were not 100% committed to keep our marriage alive and vital. Sometimes the good times come before the bad...sometimes they come after the bad. Sometimes you feel like giving up, and sometimes you do give up (hopefully when that happens your spouse is there to remind you that the relationship is worth saving.).
I agree with your post wholeheartedly! Thank you for that!
Wow. How strong and courageous you've become. It's tough going it alone. I did it as well, and although the divorce I got was well warranted, a trail of grief is left behind for the children. I know we don't think so, we don't intend it. And I re-married a wonderful man who loved my children to death. But now they are adults, and are sharing with me feelings that they still have about those days 23 years ago when we all went through a divorce, and I was left alone with them. There are no one pat perfect solutions for unwed pregnant moms, but now, at the age of 58, I have become a staunch advocate of adoption. All we need do is look at the statistics of how many teen moms graduate from college to know what's in the cards for those children. My brother and his wife adopted a baby 22 years ago, and she's ready to graduate from college. It's been an open adoption, and she's had communication with her birth mother and grand parents, all along. So her birth mother was able to get her own life together, and she was able to have two parents who provided her with all she deserved, and then some.
I don't know if people are afraid of all the years 'til death but more so that they didn't even realize how long that was actually going to be. By the time they do, they're already married to someone that turns out to be crazy, etc. My mom married my dad super early (she was in her early twenties) and they did not work out in the least. So I know for sure that I'm not going to get married while I'm still so young.
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Wow. I have not read a good marriage article in a while, and this is a great one! I am so glad that you and your husband worked things out, and my respect meter for the both of you is through the roof! I have been accused of being old fashioned and narrow minded about these ideas of mine on marriage, but I think that the things you have said here are great. I see marriage as not only a union, but a promise. If I give my word that it will be "Till death do we part" I expect to keep my word. to do anything else makes me a liar.
Come to think of it though, I have to agree with a famous singer that I like, and what he said:
"I promised you, on the day we wed, "until death do we part," yeah, that's what I said. But things have changed since I made that vow. The Love I felt for you is so much deeper now. So I've made up my mind. They can dig two graves. Just carve one stone, 'cause without you here I won't last long! Your love's the blood running through my veins, so when He calls you Home, they can dig two graves."
just my thoughts. Rock those rings!