Wednesday, 27 April 2011
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Shame On You
At my last counseling session, my counselor pin-pointed a very major problem I am having in life. Since my childhood (which was really my teenage years, because my parents treated me like a child until I left their house), my parents used criticism and other negative devices to try and motivate me to be less like myself. I know teenagers are very blunt, but since my parents believed that they could act however they wanted and I had to be perfect, it wasn't a very nice place to live.
So shame came from guilt-tripping: "You are going down a bad path", "What will other people think?", "I like you more when you are on this medicine, because you are nicer."
In elementary school, I was constantly picked on by the boys around me, some I even carpooled with, but my parents never did anything or stopped carpooling with them. When I was 15, my best friend moved. When I was 16, a guy wearing only a shirt in a red truck, asked me for directions as I looked through the passenger window and saw him and his parts. My parents never talked to me about it, they never tried to comfort me. They were hush hush about it.
When I was 17, I was still being spanked with a belt when my father was angry and not calm. Later on, I was forced into private school because my mom didn't get along with me anymore. My mom used Jesus against me, to try and get her way. How awful is that?
My dad was so laid back, that he let me mom do whatever she wanted to. He never affirmed me, and got upset with me when I took a tone with my mom (he would whack me upside the head).
Shame much? Are you surprised I was depressed for a long time? And no one really knew either.
It makes a lot of sense to me. This is why it's so hard for me to hear criticism now, even if its from people who care. Plus, my love language is words of affection and physical touch. Words of affection...
I was given negative reinforcement to try and motivate me, which instead just drove me into the ground. I felt like I was never good enough or could ever be an adult. I didn't make my own decisions. I felt like a child until I got married.
Did your parents use shame and/or negative comments to motivate you? Did they encourage you? Did they comfort you when it was needed? How do your parents' child rearing methods affect you now? How have you chosen to parent in the same way or differently than your parents because of these effects?
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Comments (19)
Sounds just like my family, are you my sister? All that pretty much happened to me, except for seeing the man parts. But, there was sexual abuse that did go undealt with. Guilt has had its fair share of my life and I try not to let it get the best of me.
The best I can do is to never treat my children like that. I try not to use guilt and am doing my best allow them to feel like they matter and are people too, no matter what their size.
Without trying to sound like I'm hosting my own pity party... yes. My parents were, and a lot of the times still are, mean to me.
When I was a kid (and I mean not even a teenager yet) my mom would ask, "Don't you want to be pretty?" when she wanted to talk about my weight.
My dad pinches my fat and asks me when I'm going to lose it.
They bought me a cell phone hoping it would get me friends.
From the age of 12 my mom put me on diet pills. At 14 I was taking 24 diet pills a day on her command and she'd smack me if she found out I was skipping.
Not to mention at 14/15 years old she put me on a tuna-only diet for 2 months. Literally 2 months of tuna only. I started vomiting and getting sick and she still wouldn't let me eat anything else even though she cooked amazing dinners for my siblings. I ended up having to bum pizza crusts off my friends at lunch.
Living the past 4 years with my dad I couldn't even eat comfortably in his house because anytime they caught me eating they'd mention what wasn't healthy and they'd keep tabs on what food I did eat even if they didn't catch me.
And plenty of times my dad has told me I'd have more friends if I lost weight or if I was prettier.
My family is pretty vain.
However Im the opposite of you. I can't take compliments very well. When someone tells me I look good or anything else I get paranoid and think they're lying. It makes it hard for me to trust the good people out there. I'm more used to being criticized so I feel comfortable when people can tell me where I'm wrong.
"I like you more when you are on this medicine, because you are nicer."
I cannot tell you how many times I hear those EXACT words from my own parents now, and it kills when it's not something I can work with (I react badly to a lot of medications), because there are reasons I had to come off the medications that they "liked" me on, with quite a few of them, the reasoning being I was completely hopelessly depressed and suicidal, and they knew that, or they should have, they'd been informed numerous times. So to me it's just like saying "we'd rather risk having you dead and more pleasant than alive like you are". And really, even in the situations where it was ever-so rarely a medication that didn't pose a huge risk to me, it still hurt, because they liked some chemically fabricated form of my personality, emotions, and behavior better than the real ME. It's absolutely horrible.
It's hard to struggle with anything, just with LIFE in general and not feel like you have your parents support. Especially when you don't have anyone else... that's the position I currently find myself in really. Dealing with a lot of incredibly difficult stuff, my parents being insensitive about it all, and truly having NO one to support me at all. It's hard. No one should have to do that. I'm actually afraid to have kids because children so often grow up learning those techniques, and sometimes use them regardless of whether they mean to or not because that's all they've had the chance to learn. I'm REALLY afraid to ever risk having a child and having them have to go through so many difficult things with me doing nothing but making it worse for them like my parents have done with me.
I can relate to a lot of the issues in this post on some level, but that really hit home with me, because I can't count the number of times I hear those EXACT words, even now. And it's not something I had ever considered might be something other people had dealt with, so in a way, it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
They don't comfort me. Or support me emotionally. I guess I'm lucky they still support me financially and all, but then I'm REALLY sick, it's miserable and scary, I had to start homebound schooling and miss my whole high school experience which hurts like hell, lost all my friends because none of them could understand, and I'm having to deal with a lot that at my age I shouldn't have to, and I'm doing it all alone. They are physically there, and they keep me from dying in the sense that they give me what I need to continue living, and so lots of people think I'm horrid for seeming "ungrateful", but I am grateful for that. Just that they are incredibly emotionally abusive, constantly calling me names, tearing me down, telling me what I've done wrong, and how I'm not good enough. Occasionally they are REALLY careless and do things that could be dangerous to me, and I can't say I haven't been hit, kicked, punched or slapped a few times over the past few years (it's basically nothing though... the emotional abuse is what I can't take, and the physical abuse died down drastically once I got big enough to hold my own), and that's just adding to the already massive amount I have to bear, all on my own. I need their support, now more than ever, and all their doing is adding to that load. It's nice I guess that they support me financially, and that they haven't kill me, and they even buy me nice things every now and then... but I'd almost rather just trade that in for having a bit of care and concern and emotional support from them now, because I need it now more than ever. Not only because their my parents, but because right now I have no form of emotional support of any kind, from anyone, and I'm losing my mind trying to handle all this alone...
Sorry for rambling...
Anyway, I'm similar though I suppose it's hard to tell where I'll be if this ever ends for me. But I'm not good with criticism of any kind, even criticism that isn't incredibly personal, or anything. I seriously almost cry every time my teacher has to correct something I did wrong in my schoolwork, despite the fact mistakes are unavoidable and it's her job to help and she's very kind about it. Thinking back to when I was younger, I've always had that issue, really. I was very sensitive about ANY kind of criticism, I remember in first grade I was reprimanded for talking while my teacher was teaching and I literally had a complete and total breakdown. It never bothered the other kids, but I broke down to the point where my teacher was apologizing and said that as long as I didn't do it again I wouldn't have to do whatever the punishment system thing was in that grade. Which she never had to do for anyone else. They just took it. And thinking back to situations like that, I think it might have been the fact I was always criticized by my parents, so letting someone else down outside my family made me feel all that much worse... and I figured out quickly I would never be good enough for my parents, but with everyone else I tried SO hard, because they were more reasonable... they had reachable standards, so I deemed it unacceptable early on to mess up and not live up to someone else's expectations, whether it was my teachers' or anyone else, because while I realized I could never please my parents, I was capable of pleasing them, and so in a way, I NEEDED to please them in order to make up for the acceptance and praise I never could get from my parents. Really, I still do that in a lot of ways. I'll actually break down and cry if I get warned on a forum or something, even though it's just online, because I get enough criticism from my parents, so I try to avoid it everywhere else I can. And when I mess up in the eyes of someone with seemingly acceptable expectations, I feel like such a failure for doing so.
I hope that makes sense... it's hard to put into words exactly what I was thinking there...
@MangoWOW@xanga -
I'm amazed CPS never caught wind of this. I feel like I should cook you a big dinner to make up for it.
@AGreatPerhaps@xanga - You know, one of the diet pills my mom put me on concluded with me in the ER. In short, they worked too well and I was being digested from the inside.
My mom still wanted me to take them after I got out of the hospital because she liked how I was losing weight.
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - As hard as it is to believe my mom really did mean the best for me. She's not intentionally hurtful, a lot of the things she says she doesn't understand why they upset me. She thinks she's helping.
@MangoWOW@xanga - That's just sick, really, I'm sorry they did that to you. Those are really dangerous things, and for a parent to FORCE them on a child, even when they know it's hurting them is unbelievable. I suppose in a way, I got lucky in that manner. All my parents ever did was criticize my weight, and they still do. And it's annoying, but it's something a person can live with. They did try to force diets here and there, but I suppose I'm lucky they wouldn't go to such extremes. I've actually heard several similar stories about parents doing such to their children recently, and it's absolutely shocking that they are so willing to risk their child's health so they "look good". I don't even understand, because it's not their body anyway, so why should they be so obsessed with how it looks? It's a concept I can't seem to process myself...
@MangoWOW@xanga - How did the ER not realize why you were so sick? They must have known that you had ingested so many diet pills.
@Kendall@lovelyish - The ER thing happened when I was older and I wasn't taking 24 pills a day anymore. It was just one really strong pill. They just told me to eat more.
My parents were very critical when I was growing up. Not to the extent you (and some of the commenters) got it but mine was pretty bad. :( I'm very sorry.
@MangoWOW@xanga - So sorry to hear that. It's tough to be overweight and have critical parents...as if being an overweight teen isn't hard enough without parental pressure to be skinny. Your parents really took it to an extreme and it does sound like child abuse.
Being heavy doesn't prevent people from having friends, your parents were so cruel to say that. Three of my favorite people in the whole world are very heavy but they are amazing people....I hate to even classify them that way. Weight doesn't matter when it comes to kindred spirits (unless an eating disorder is what they have common).
My mother was more of the critical ones and it bordered on abuse, no scratch that. It was abuse. That's why I left my mother when I was 17. I don't wish to go into all of it. It has caused me so much problems..even now. Teaching through negative ways only hurts the children and causes more problems later on when they get older. It has for me.
My brother does stuff like that. He tells me I'm better when I'm on medications and makes sure I take them everyday. If I miss a pill he calls me a crazy bitch and starts tearing me apart. Also, him and my parents say my boyfriend will leave me if I don't loose weight. Every time I decide on something to eat they say things like "is that really the right thing to be eating?" "Wouldn't you rather a salad"...My boyfriend loves me the way I am but it hurts hearing that he should dump me if I don't lose weight. I'm not even THAT big. It's all I've heard all my life.
i got negative and positive reinforcements growing up with a good amount of discipline thrown in there. i feel like they balanced out nicely though and succeeded in making me a strong, determined, independent woman. i owe a lot to my parents.
balance. I am so sorry you had to go through that. If you are worried about passing any of this behavior on to your kids seek counseling. You can be a good parent without feeling constantly wary of your behavior all the time and without overcompensating (which can be just as bad).
When my parents got divorced... My mom walked out on my dad with me in tow. We moved into my aunt's house where she promptly left me (my aunt took care of me then) to pursue another man. No one ever sat me down to tell me where my father was. Then when I was reunited with him after three (horrible) years, I became depressed because I realized what I was missing in my life. So everytime I would cry over him, my mom would guilt me by saying "why are you sad? Is it because you hate me? What if I was dead? Why are you making me feel bad for not letting you stay with your father? He doesn't love you." It was ridiculous.
kudos for sharing. i think this is a lot more common than people think.
i wonder, how would you say you overcame this or learned to deal with this, or what helped you to know you are loved and worthy as a person?
i had a parents like this, except sometimes they said nice things and i love yous but then acted crazy, which negated it to me. i tend to have a black and white mind, and i was always a compliant child until i was like 17 so it didn't make sense to me. later i realized it was because of their workload and marital stress. but somewhere down the line i adopted an "i don't give a shit what you think" attitude and did what i wanted. now i've moved, support myself, and am pretty happy without them.
i know someone else who's story is a lot more like yours. my significant other. i want to help him but he is not a sharer because of his upbringing, and it's hard for him to not pretend everything is ok. i wonder if you have any insight?
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - isn't it bizarre? how many people go unhelped. unnurturing parents often are vain as well and threaten their kids if they tell others what's going on at home. it's really in my opinion whacked.
@AGreatPerhaps@xanga - i think that some people have too many issues themselves to be good parents. people who care so much about what the world thinks of them that they're going to starve or throw pills into a child when that child depends on them solely, is a sick and twisted control mechanism, perverted (not necessarily sexually) parenting.