Tuesday, 19 April 2011
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Tell Me Tuesdays: What Things Should NEVER Be Said to a Stay-at-Home Mom?
Last Tuesday, the question was post about career moms with kids. This week, listen to what mom bloggers said about the worst things to say to a stay-at-home mom in yet another fun article in Redbook Magazine.
1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job?
2. How June Cleaver of you!
3. Oh, so you don't work?
4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow?
5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine.
6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either.
7. What do you do all day, anyway?
8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree
9. That explains why your son is so clingy.
10. Weird. I assumed your house would be superclean.
Have people said these things to you? What phrases would you advise people NOT to say to SAHMs if they value their lives?
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About the Author
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- From: chelleannette@xanga
- About Me: I'm an almost 40 mother of three teenagers, two crazy fat dogs and one husband. I live in and love New York City. In the last five years or so I've taken up French, shooting for eventual fluency and possibly picking up one day with the man after the kids are gone and moving it all to France. I also learned how to play tennis in the last few years and have, consequently become obsessed with the sport and acquired the delusion of playing on the WTA seniors tour or in a grand slam (Watch out Serena!) Living passionately, I want to see, smell, taste and feel the world through relationships, travel, food and whatever else life throws at me. Still waiting to discover what I want to be when I grow up!
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Comments (9)
i don't think someone has said "will you get a REAL job" but they have asked if i'm gonna go back to school and get a job once my kids are in school. number 6 pisses me off so much. my husband is NOT rich, we struggle sometimes...we can JUST afford it though. idk what teh big deal is about a mom staying at home with her kids. i think it's admirable.
I've heard #s 1, 7, and 10. UGH. I'm technically working evenings and weekends now, but for the most part of the last year, I'm a stay at home mom and my own mom is responsible for saying #10 constantly. It's frustrating but I just grin and bare it and try and do a better job before she comes over.
Aw man, I've heard variations of 1, 3, 5, 8, and 9! Wow. But do you know why, for me, it hurts? Because I was successful. I was proud of my career, I was proud of what I did. I felt like I was important and helping people who were sick, hurt, scared, and dying. I felt smart, my job was very mentally challenging and rewarding. I have always been defined as "the smart one" but now that I stay at home with my kids, I don't have that rep anymore. I don't know how much of that is self-projected or reality of how people think. Deciding to stay at home with my kids, and that is absolutely what is right for me and is my priority, was extremely hard on my self-worth. My whole identity changed. I don't feel like people (or drs) recognize how powerful that is.
So it is extra hard when people say these things to me. They don't realize.
I would like to add that I find satisfaction in what I do with the kids at home. The difference is intrinsic - vs - extrinsic reward/value.
I definitely THINK #5 whenever I meet a SAHM, but I know better than to say it to them...I feel like I can barely handle 10 minutes with kids under a certain age, so imagining someone voluntarily spending the whole day with them blows my mind. But then, I'm sure other people wonder why on earth I would want to write music and plan concerts and play onstage. So to each their own.
I've heard every one of these. #1 used to make me think I wasn't doing enough. But I have recently come to realize what I'm doing is wonderful and I don't have to do anything more **a career** if I don't want to. I feel so blessed to be able to be home to raise my children. I don't receive #10 so much because since I am a sahm I do feel my house should be clean -- but let me tell you it is hard keeping up with it while being pregnant.
I think the worst thing I've ever heard is, "Well, it makes sense that *child number one* is smart. Isn't his dad super smart too?" Meaning, "since you are just a sahm, you obviously aren't very bright." It's so hard being out of the land of academia and having people think you are an idiot just because I choose to be a mom (I also work part time, but many people think that working with Jr. High students is also a job for idiots).
Also, I don't think that number 5 is an insult. I mean, before I had kids I had no idea how moms could stay at home with their kids. It's usually said by people who think that staying at home with the kids means cooking, cleaning and entertaining and don't understand the whole picture (and really, c'mon fellow sahm's, you know that those first few months when the child is basically an eating/pooping/sleeping/crying machine you tend to go a bit mad just being at home).
I'm not a mother yet, but my mom has been a stay-at-home mom since I was born (I'm 22). My parents decided that she should stay to take care of us four kids (yeah...four!!!). She sacrificed at lot to be with us (like not going after a job as a dentist, her profession), and even so, she works a lot.
Stay at home moms are not ones who 'do not work.' When someone tells me, "Oh, no, my mom doesn't work. She a stay at home mom." I'm like, oooh then she works A LOT!!! They're the ones who keep the house moving!! That's A TON of work!!!!
I don't remember where I read it, but there was this article or news story that calculated about how much of a salary stay at home mom's would earn if they were paid. I can't give a specific amount, but just imagine! Moms are psychologists, nurses, tutors, mentors, life coaches, chefs, chauffeurs, and most importantly, a giver of life! Is it possible to put a price on all their work? Nope.
It's worth too much.
I'm sorry for venting, but it just upsets me how some people can actually say some of those things you listed! Some of the parents who DO work a lot usually don't have the best relationship with their kids, now do they? No disrespect to those who NEED to work, I'm thinking mostly of those workaholics. My dad is one, but if it weren't for my mom, I don't know how insane and messed up I'd be right now.
These are horrible! I couldn't be a sahm because I don't have the patience and we wouldn't be able to afford it, but I think the women that can handle it are incredible. I would never even imagine saying something like that to someone who takes care of their children 24/7.
@AdRisssss@xanga - One of my old managers has four boys, and she worked 3 jobs when they were growing up and now they pretty much hate her. No respect and getting in trouble/jail constantly. There's absolutely something to be said for balancing work with family time.