Saturday, 16 April 2011
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Virginity: You Can't Lose Something That Isn't Real
Over the last few years I've really thought about what virginity means to me. I was 18 when I "lost it" and part of me expected to feel like I had transformed into this...non-virgin.
There was a problem, I didn't feel different at all. In fact, I don't think my hymen even broke. It got me thinking, along with some pretty fantastic online conversations with others about how they felt about their virginity. It seemed as though most people who valued their virginity only did so because they felt ashamed. Some even went as far as lying about being a virgin when they were not.
Virginity is associated with innocence. This shouldn't be confused with chastity because one can be chaste without being a virgin. I remember seeing this huge billboard as a child that was written in red as if it were bright cherry lipstick: "VIRGIN! Teach your kids it's not a dirty word!"
Now that I'm older I realized that they were implying that sex was dirty, not being a virgin. You're dirty and you lose your self worth if you have sex before you're married. I've even heard such lies as "You'll be depressed if you have sex before marriage!" or "If you have sex before marriage you'll be 6 times more likely to commit suicide!" Let's face it, scare tactics didn't work then and they sure as hell won't work now.Virginity is a word that someone made up to describe a state of somethings non-existence. It's not a state of mind, or a medical term. It's just something they use to make you feel like less of a person.
What kind of world is this if people are being made to feel bad about something they're biologically driven to do? Having a healthy sex life is good. We as women are worth more than the sum of our sexual parts.
What really gets me is the fact that some religious organizations like to use this to make women feel inadequate and that's just not healthy. In what world is it healthy to sexualize little girls? How is it okay to teach these girls that their fathers own their virginity?
They have purity balls all over the country where they dress little girls up like their grown women and these girls pledge their virginity to their fathers. How can anyone not find that sick and twisted?
In effect, you're telling little boys to have as much sex as they want, but oh no little girl, you're just a delicate little flower. You're weak. You are ill equipped to handle such a thing. Instead of teaching our children how to lead a happy, healthy life we're teaching them to be ashamed of who they are and what they feel."Respect yourself. Wait." If I had only a quarter for every time I heard that one! It absolutely absurd to suggest that women who engage in healthy, responsible sexual activity have no self-respect. If any of them feel this way it's not because of having sex, it's because of this lie that our society has been planting in our heads.
"Save yourself for marriage, it will make you a good person." What happens when you spend your whole life waiting for the right person to come along only to find out that they didn't save themselves for you like everyone said they would? Are you going to "give" yourself to them? That's not fair, is it? Well, life isn't fair. In fact, I'd prepare myself for a letdown because not many people wait til marriage.
Just to be clear, I'm not putting down anyone who waits to have sex til marriage. That's a personal decision that everyone should be allowed to make for themselves. Nothing wrong with waiting, but there's nothing wrong with not waiting either.Does waiting make you a better person? No. Does waiting mean you'll have better sex? Definitely not. Does losing your virginity mean that you lost part of yourself? Nope.
Before you let someone define you, why don't you try and define yourself?
What message do you want your children to hear about themselves, their sexuality and virginity?
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About the Author
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- From: Saridactyl@xanga
- About Me: Hello there =] I'm an advocate. For love. For Choice. For Women. I hold true to my ethical and moral beliefs (Yes, I have morals.)
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Comments (137)
I don't really believe in waiting til marriage but I definitely feel like you should wait until you're ready. I feel like many people do it before you're ready. I wish I would have waited longer, to a point where I really understood what I was doing. I think that people who say that, parents who want to tell their kids that, really just want their kids to think about it before they just give "it" away.
Excellent post!!!
When I have kids, I'm going to give them sex ed myself. Screw the school arguements over it. I think everything should begin early & at home. I'll tell them it's a personal choice they have to make but they should always be safe.
People tease me for not having sex but I feel it's something too important to me personally to just do it with anyone. When it happens, I want it to be with someone I love & trust. Some people think differently & it's perfectly fine. "Virgin" just means a person who hasnt had sexual intercourse. It is SOMETHING but the media & politicians make it into a huge thing that if you keep it, you're a prude or uber religious but if you lose it, it's dirty. Sex is nothing dirty, it's a natural thing. People make it dirty.
I agree. I hate that women continue to be sexual objects just for men... either women remain "pure" for sexual activity only with their husband or women are supposed to put out. I do believe it is quite silly. I think sex is best for me in the context of marriage, but I don't put that on others. I feel a woman's value is far greater than the state of her hymen or how many men have been inside her vagina. Do we worry about how many people have touch us anywhere else? No, we don't. Besides after ten years of marriage the only thing that matters is how you treat each other and if you still love each other, NOT who you did or did not have sex with 15 years earlier.
I am teaching my children first that if they have sex before marriage they will die. Haha. Well, my daughter figured out quickly that was a lie. Now, it's about waiting until marriage, that's the foundation I'm teaching now. She's 13, later we'll talk about it more realistically. Reality is no matter what I teach my kids they will choose what to do. I am also teaching they must come to me with everything, no matter what. Dialogue is also open. My only hope is they all wait till after high school at which time they are adults. (I'm also teaching my boys to respect women.)
If I ever have children, I intend to teach them the exact opposite of what I learned growing up. I want them to know that they have a choice because it's THEIR body and they can do what- or whomever they want with it. I want them to understand completely the different forms of birth control and how to use them. Hell, I'll pay for the box of condoms if that's what it takes.
But I am also going to teach them to be absolutely sure they are ready to have sex, and when they do choose to become sexually active it's by their own decision - not under the pressure of their friends or their SO or whatever. I want them to know it's their decision and their decision alone.
Sex is a natural thing. It always has been. It's the outside pressures that make it dirty and shameful. I'm sad to say that many churches I've been to do as well, even within marriage. What a shame.
Yea I agree. remaining pure is so important. Honestly the body should only be shared with the spouse. And there should only be one spouse! I can't believe people even celebrate losing their virginity.. It's something that everyone should protect! It takes so much effort, patience, and determination to fight sexual temptations.If someone wants to lose their virginity, they can lose it within a minute. So what's there to celebrate for?
@reflection_7@xanga - I'm sorry, but did you even read this post?
*clap clap* looove.
@reflection_7@xanga - Yeah, what about me who was in a long term relationship and had sex? Am I a huge slut for doing so? Am I huge slut for having a new boyfriend who loves me and I love him for wanting to have sex? I don't think so. Women should be free to choose to have sex and not have others' beliefs shoved down their throat. That is what the OP was trying to get at, yet you have to interject with that snotty comment.
@Grtt@xanga - LOL.
I barely ever hear people say some of the things that you make a point to talk about in this post, such as being a virgin makes you a good person. maybe it's different for you though.
anywho, where the heck did you come up with the notion that virginity was created to make someone feel like they're less of a person? and what object's non-existence does it describe? every word we use is something made up by somebody and they may be used in ways that make some people feel bad. however, it's up to you whether or not you let it get to you.
that doesn't mean that the idea of virginity isn't 'real', as the title says. maybe you don't care for virginity but it doesn't change the definition of the word. nobody necessarily expects you to feel like this complete brand-new person after you lose your virginity. they value it because they believe that sex is a really personal and intimate thing that should be shared with somebody you really love or somebody you're married to. if you don't agree with that, then that's fine. but you shouldn't go around claiming that virginity isn't 'real' just because it's not something that has value in your mind.
@fashionsbyjulia@xanga - I don't see where in that comment she implied that you're a 'huge slut' for having sex with your boyfriend?
My biggest reasons for waiting to have sex: STD's and children.
I'm not going to have sex and risk becoming pregnant when I don't have someone else to take care of the child with me, and I don't particularly want to have a child alone (and I refuse to make someone stay with me because we have a child together).
And STD's...you can never be sure what someone is hiding between their legs. THEY may not even know, but you are more likely to get the truth from someone who you plan to spend your life with.
This is the same message that I want my children to hear, because these reasons are way more important than saving it for love, religion, purity, etc.
And I also feel like this blog is making an attack at those of us who choose to keep our virginity and implying that our reasons are petty, and I resent that. I did make my own choices with no influence of religion or of my parents wishes.
Ugh yeah those chastity balls are creepy as hell, but I disagree with you on the whole bit that waiting has nothing to do with respecting yourself. Sex is a slippery slope and for better or worse sometimes we women associate sex with being wanted or desired. So in a culture where there is so much pressure from the media that a girl by the age of 14, 15 has to be this package of great clothes, fantastic skin, fumes of sex appeal, be wanted by boys just to be accepted as a normal human being in society is intense and any girl can get caught up in the media overload and mistake sex as a form of acceptance and they compromise a true sense of self respect with a false one. I'm not advocating waiting untill your married (hell no, that isn't too great of a choice if you haven't figured out why that is your choice), but sometimes you are ready and know what you want and do it for all the right reasons but sometimes waiting it out just a little longer is really helpful so you can see the big picture before you get distracted by the tidal wave of highschool or ads and media or the jerk boys that want another story to tell.
I have to say I pretty much completely disagree with you. To me, sex is something very special. And it's even more special if you save it for the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It's not that sex is something to be ashamed of...it's that it's precious to me. So special I don't want to give it to just anyone. I grew up with that mentality and then broke down and lost my virginity to a guy I thought I loved. I regretted it ever since. After that I renewed my decision to save it for the man I married, and I did that. I do look back and wish that I had never lost my virginity though in the first place before marriage. I feel like and idiot for listening to my friends who told me that I was being too prudish and that virginity is overrated. My opinion is that they just told me that because they were bitter about losing it themselves. When I was heartbroken afterward they were just like, "Yup, it sucks don't it."
I want my daughters to grow up knowing that they are amazing and special. And, if a man truly loves them, he isn't going to try to get in their pants without committing to them. We are worth so much more than our potential for a good lay. A guy who really loves you won't pressure you and he will respect the fact that you want to save sex as a gift. Sex isn't everything. You want to know that your man is with you because he cares about what's in your head and heart.
@wildchildofthebluemoon@xanga - I don't think that this post is necessarily attacking you because your reasons for abstaining from sex are completely rational. I think that the emphasis of this post was on this skewed idea of "purity" and morality that not only raises a double-standard, but prevents women from thinking in a clear and logical way (as you have done with your reasoning for not having sex).
He who defines the terms wins the argument. Could the sign not have actually been saying that it was in fact OK to be a virgin despite peer pressure?
I tried to define myself once. The problem was I kept having to use words that someone else made up to do it. It's thesystem I tell you! It's out to get me!!
Virginity is a word used to make people feel like less of a person? Sounds like someone feels guilty...
@firetyger@xanga - You shouldn't base how "special" you are on sex.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - Agreed so very much.
@individually_surveys@xanga - I believe it's about the intimacy and the connection, more than the physical act itself. It's the act of giving yourself up, and being vulnerable. At least that's what I think it is.
Like what @firetyger@xanga - says. To me sex is a very intimate thing, and something very close to me, so I just don't let anyone have it. I save it for the one person that truly loves me, and I make sure it is. It's a vulnerability that I don't allow to just anyone. I'm a very closed person and even opening is hard for me, and I'm sure for some people, it's the same. So sex, is special to a lot of people just for those reasons. You may believe what you want, but I believe what I want, and I know how I feel about it. It's not necessarily right or wrong. It's the type of person I am.
I was raised in a baptist church and we definitely were taught to wait until marriage. If we wanted to wear that white dress down the aisle, we needed to save our virginity for marriage. I even remember sitting at a friends house, as a teenager, and watching a preacher on tv talking about the importance of virginity and I wanted to break down in tears. why? because I had been sexually abused and I thought that my virginity was stolen from me and I was now "dirty".
That said, I do believe that sex should be something special and personal. I don't think I'd EVER teach my daughter that, if she has sex young and before marriage, she's dirty and awful and has no self respect, but that she's openening herself up to a world of risks and for what?
I want my kids to view sex as something beautiful. A gift. I know they may not save it for marriage or anything, but if they, at least, wait till they're sure they want that bond with someone and willing to accept the consequences of it, I'd be happier. And that goes for both my girls AND my boys.
You're right, though. No one is a better person for waiting. No one is a horrible person for not waiting.
I really don't have too much to add, so I'll just state that this is full of win.
Women are also more than the sum of their biological urges. My response, here.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - I second this comment and this post :)
If I have kids, which I won't 'cause the angels wanted to see how robust the human body is. It was an experiment. I will forceth them to haveth sex. I'll make the conditions just right for it to happen :P It keeps them in their social class.
I'm a virgin and I don't "harp" on it. But I'm not ashamed of it either. I have legitimate reasons for being so. Virginity isn't just about "no sex". Or breaking of the hymen. My hymens already broke. I lost it when I was a kid. It's about protecting my heart. It's a personal decision and it's not for everybody. I'm more sensitive then the average crowd in that area, I feel like having sex is giving a person part of your heart. It goes with them when they leave. I'm not "waiting for marriage" but I am waiting for someone I KNOW will not hurt me.