Monday, 04 April 2011
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Is A SAHM Still An Independent Woman?
A commenter on my last post brought up an interesting idea. She mentioned that being a SAHM ends your real opportunities as an independent woman in the world.
I challenge that I am still an independent woman despite the fact that I am a SAHM. Now, I'm sure people will disagree with me because we all have different priorities and view the world differently from each other.
However, I contend that working mothers (some, not all) often times hire childcare & sometimes even a Merry Maid to maintain their homes. Aren't they relying on others? Doesn't that mean that they are depending on someone just as a SAHM depends on her husband to continue earning income?
Let's face it, in this economy not everyone has the job security they would like. I'm sure it is possible that one or both parents in a home could be laid off which could result in financial crippling of a family.
I don't really believe that a woman is less independent because she is a SAHM. SAHM's are often times responsible for balancing the financial budget, cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking care of their children (some of us choose to also educate our children at home), as well as take care of ourselves & help our husbands out with things. So let's see, that makes a SAHM an accountant, cook, maid, assistant, childcare provider (sometimes teacher), wife & independent woman.Let me clarify - I am in no way, shape or form knocking down working mothers. Working mothers deserve their kudos for sure (especially all the single working mothers out there - you are all awesome for what you have to do for your children & yourselves & I realize it is difficult). However, this was just in response to a comment I saw and I thought it was an interesting point of view.
Now as far as the opportunities go, I acknowledge that they are reduced when you're a mother. Employers worry about your focus affecting productivity as well as mothers needing sick days not only for themselves but their children.
I understand the essence of what the commenter was trying to say and I am in no way arguing the point, but I do disagree with the wording that it "ends" opportunities. What I focused on in that sentence was the "as an independent woman in the world" part of the sentence and I wanted to ask anyone who reads this what their thoughts were on that idea that was presented in the sentence.Working mothers, do you feel that your real opportunities in the world of business ended once you became a mother? Share your experiences.
Stay-at-home mothers, do you feel that you're still an independent woman? Do you feel that your opportunities have ended as a result of your choice to be a mother and a stay-at-home mother especially?
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About the Author
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- From: Thoughts_of_Motherhood@xanga
- Name: Thoughts_of_Motherhood
- Location: Fort Worth, Texas, United States
- About Me: I'm a stay-at-home mother of two wonderful children, my son who was born in 2006 and my daughter who was born in 2009. I'm just a mother who is learning the ropes like any other mother. Along the way I'd like to learn why other parents do what they do whether it is similar or different to my own style.
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Comments (35)
I'm going to answer both sets of questions. As I was a single working mom before I was a SAHM.
Working mothers, do you feel that your real opportunities in the world of business ended once you became a mother?
People will probably disagree, but as a working woman who also had a child. I was far from independent. I had to rely on daycare (given I was an employee there...I wasn't allowed to work with my son... nepotism). I even had to rely on government aid, because I couldn't get healthcare through my job. Sick days? Well...that was a horrible catch-22. You see at a child care facility, you have to have ratios. So by law if my son had more than a 99.4 degree fever, he had to be sent home. Now his father refused to come get him...because it interfered with him being able to have sick days for when he was hungover. He did not provide (financial) support for his child, so my son's wellbeing depending on ME having a job. And while I was RARELY sick, my son had chronic ear infections. He'd spike HIGH fevers. They HAD to send him home, until I could get a note saying that it was non-contagious. But they COULDN'T always send me home (due to ratios), and if I didn't have sick time...I lost pay. I'd have to suck it up and RELY on someone else covering my shift, or on a lucky day RELY on my mom to take some time to come get him...and it SURE wasn't HER job to do so.
I felt like shit half the time having to rely on others because I legally could not leave work if ratios weren't being met in the case of my absence.
Stay-at-home mothers, do you feel that you're still an independent woman? Do you feel that your opportunities have ended as a result of your choice to be a mother and a stay-at-home mother especially?
Now that I'm a SAHM, I have a lot more freedom. I'm totally independent also. I have a TON more opportunities.
I nanny a baby. I run my own business. I'm also a photographer. We get to do all sorts of things because we homeschool. We have tons of opportunities to experience the world, and take advantage of things we'd otherwise miss out on if I worked a 9-5 and my son went to school. I can be out doing a play date with my son, socializing with other moms. I can network both my babysitting (outside of nannying), my business, and my photography. I can meet tons of new people. I've even met moms for a homeschool co-op. And I get to learn new things every day. With all my little odd jobs, I don't even depend on my husband for money. We split the bills just like working couples do. When we get out of the preschool days and into the more "serious" homeschooling, I will continue to babysit...but will not nanny full time. So I will lose a fair amount of income off that...but I'll still be quite independent.
It feels great to be able to do as I wish through out the day and not have to have a boss, or rely on others. I rely on my husband solely for emotional (and physical if you cant my drift ;D) needs. No one manages my house but me, no one manages me..but me.
when you become a stay at home mom there are responsibilities that come with it. it's in no way shape or form an easy thing to do. do i believe my "opportunities" have ended since i've became a sahm? sure, opportunities to have an outside job maybe. but that doesn't mean anything. aside from that, i'm independent in my own way. no, i don't bring home the bacon or make the majority of the big family decisions but i am independent. :) i think it's extremely disrespectful of someone to assume otherwise.
For myself, i got my education and work experience before i got married and had kids. Staying home is a choice for me and i am lucky to have that choice. I feel that since i'm so lucky to have the choice, i need to be at home while my babies are little. I still have my degree and license if i decide to go back to work. If my husband lost his job tomorrow, i could go back to work and become the breadwinner. I have not lost any independence at all. I know that i am valued in the workplace, but for now, i need to be at home. And because i'm not working, i have gotten to know other moms on a deeper level, started new hobbies and become a better cook. My husband is so appreciate that i have a life outside of being a mom and he likes the peace of mind of having me at home. I struggled with being a SAHM at first...and i have considered going back to work many times. But i know when the time is right i will....or maybe not. Either way, i'm still independent and i make my own choices. And if i do want to, i can make my own money (since most SAHM's are dependent on their husbands income). We might live off his income now, but i am not dependent on it. Heck, i am educated than my husband!!
I'm not allowed to go to school or work and if I start to have anysort of logical thought process, the government comes in and cripples me some more because it's only fair somehow. Why didn't they just kill me and give my resources to the damn charity children (my arch enemy)?
I say everything ridiculous these days because I was framed. Again.
Vladimir Putin wanted me to kill myself, so blackwater worked really hard to try and make me, but I don't like Putin, so I don't want to kill myself. They did almost get me by posting my sister dying over and over again but the cyanide took care of love.
now I have dementia. I get to color. I don't care.
what Putin actually said was "don't kill yourself" and "you can come to Russia." He was like, you wanna die? Okay.
No, I don't want to die. I want to be healed.
I really don't think staying at home to raise your kids ends anything. depending on how many kids you have and what you have set up to do with them, what your situation is with your significant other and so forth it could be a great opportunity in it's own. take myself and my wife for example: i work during the day and she stays with our 2 children. we play with the kids together when i get home and then put them to bed at the designated time. after that we have 1 hour to do things independent of the children and in the morning when we wake up at 5AM we have a little time before they get up and start running amok to get things done. what we do with the time is work on business ideas. my wife has ideas and i have ideas and we work on business plans and market research. i would say working to start your own business while staying at home is pretty damn independent.
To further comment on what you were saying above, it really depnds on what you personally define as independent. technically unless you personally grow your own food, pump your own water from a well (which you dug), sew your own clothing, etc. . . then you are not independant. thats what makes us humans so great is that we all end up working to make life better for everyone, albeit for a fee, but when the trash collectors go home, they have electricity, when the electrical engineers go home, they don't have trash piled up. to put that into the home, if i didnt have my wife at home to watch the kids, they wouldn't get watched. i would have to hire someone to do it, so would i be an independent man? no. . .is it possible to be? no, not by my definition because i depend on my wife to keep the kids from killing themselves and she depends on me to keep us in the black. it could just as easily be reversed and neither of us would be more independent than the other anyway. I think the real question is: "If a woman (or man) stays home with the kids, are they screwing themselves for the future, what if the mom or dad leaves how will they deal? my suggestion is to find a way to make your own money from home. there is a lot of work that can be done from home that either brings in considerable money or doesn't take a lot of time but still allows you to stay fresh in the job market and keep your resume up and so forth. there is always the opportunity to use that time to plan a business and contact financiers and the SBA. things that most 9-5 people dont have time to do. you can sneak that in at nap time or lunch time or whenever you would normally be staring at a TV or something. . . ill stop ranting but just know that i dont think at all that staying at home is an opportunity killer if you dont let it be.I work part time three evenings a week and work from home planning for those three evenings throughout the rest of the week. I feel like my job, even though it's in my field and my choice to work there over other places and I'm grateful I have it because I'm able to both work AND care for my daughter, I feel like it makes me LESS independent. I'm tied down to being there at specific times, to devoting much of my time at home planning for it when I'm not there, and to spending a lot of my brain power and thought energy on it. If I were able to quit my job and "just" be a stay at home mom I feel like I would have a lot more time to devote to hobbies, to self care, and to things I really want to do with my kids. I would be able to manage my family like I already do and only have to worry about my husband's work schedule tying us down when it comes to doing things we want to do as a family. It seems like we're always trying to balance our work schedules and consequently spending less time together. If money weren't an issue, I'd be a full time SAHM in a heart beat and would actually view it as an increase in independence.
It is by choice by my husband and myself that I stay home. I love it. But I'm not sure I would call myself an "independent woman" Yes I handle a lot at home like you said above but when I think of independent woman I kinda think of someone who can just leave and go anywhere on a whim, do as she pleases -- there's no way I can do that.
@libradiva@xanga - This post isn't at all about who works more or less, harder or not as hard. What this post is about is a comment that I received that when a woman stays at home it wrecks one's "independence" as a woman because she isn't making "her own" money and relying on a husband/boyfriend/etc to take care of her and her/their kids financially. Not to mention they think it wrecks future attempts at getting back into the career field because by then a woman has holes in her resume, work experience & sometimes even on needed education/certifications that had to be kept up (like for teachers, IT professionals, etc). So that is why this is focusing on SAHMs instead of working moms. I think people generally see working moms as more independent than SAHMs. I hope I explained that well enough, I'm tired and so not sure I made sense.
You know, reading the responses I think I'm realizing that we all
have different definitions of what makes someone independent. So I see
that not everyone will be able to agree. I do feel that some people
word their views and definitions of motherhood and independence in such a
way it can easily be offensive and so I hope that we all stop and think
about that before typing things out.
@Erectile_Projectile@xanga - I
agree with you that in life we ALL depend on each other for things - so
that means that NOBODY is 100% "independent." At least not if they're
participating in society.
@BarniganFlarn@xanga - I
feel the same way you do - I don't feel like I'm being held back in
life by being forced to be at certain places at certain times for
certain lengths of time. I feel like I can live my life and be with my
family more and that gives me a greater sense of independence. It's
good to see someone else who shares my definition of independence as a
woman and a person. It isn't all about being employed by someone
outside the home. *thumbs up*
@Thoughts_of_Motherhood@xanga - you are absolutely correct. In the end, all that matters, though, is how
youdefine it for yourself and whether you are in a situation that you are happy with. when you aren't happy in your own definition of independence is when it's time to start rethinking things.
As long as she's doing what's best for herself and her family, who cares about these labels saying whether she's "independent" or not? It's not good to be completely dependent on someone else, but we're all dependent on someone else in some way. You know who the most independent mothers are? Single parents. But I don't see anyone advocating that women leave their husbands for the sole purpose of becoming more independent. So really, who cares?
When I was a working mother, yes my opportunities ended when I had my daughter. I was in the Navy at the time and although married, I was the one who had to pick up my daughter at daycare. That changed when I could work.
As a SAHM, I am very independent. There's so much more to dependence than making money. The only thing my ex-husband did was work. I did everything else in the home. At some point he started washing his own clothes and grocery shopping. But still I did everything else, we paid someone to mow the grass or else I would have done that. He did occasional yard work and drove everywhere. But I did pretty much everything in the home. It's a small part of why my marriage ended, he had the job but he wasn't independent of me. He literally couldn't do anything in the house without some kind of help from me.
@libradiva@xanga - I've been a working mom and a SAHM. Being a working mom is a lot easier. Nobody is making a mess at home when nobody is there. It's not easy being a SAHM when you want to be working though! Good luck on your job search.
No, a SAHM is not an independent woman, but I think that's just fine. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being dependent on your husband.
In any case, having a family is interdependence on each other, so regardless of whether a mom stays at home or works outside the home, she is less independent than when it was just her, alone. But most of us seem to value family over being alone; I know I do.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - They may not be there when I'm not there, but they come home when I come home and young kids don't care that mom has been at work all day they'll still mess up the house so that's double duty plus cooking and getting everyone ready for bed and ready for tomorrow, just to name a few tasks. And what about days off? There is no escaping that a working mother has double work in my opinion. Most women maintain their house whether they work or not, that's the only point I'm making. It doesn't matter whether they do it half the day or all day.
I work part time. 8 to noon mon through friday. Noon to 8 am mon through friday and all of sat and sun. I am a SAHM. I enjoy the mornings at work. I find it refreshing. When I am at home I cook, clean, play accountant, take care of my daughter, take care of my husband, do all the shopping, etc, etc, etc. I am not against either side. I am riding the middle. I understand both sides. My mom watches Maddie the mornings my husband works.
Since I was a very young child I wanted to be a Stay at Home Mom. I'm now 24, single and no children with a career and I hate every moment of it. I still hope to some day be a stay at home parent, full time 24/7 mom and house wife.
It's a full time job, a none stop job.
lol, if you are not working, then you are financially dependent on your husband.
Doesn't mean that as a person, SAHMs are completely dependent, but again, if you are not making any money, then you are financially dependent on your husband.
Honestly, I cannot see myself being a SAHM. Maybe for the first few years of my children's lives, but I think after a while, I'd at least take a part-time job.
I quit my career to stay home and raise my son. I depended on someone else's company to get money. I love to sew and to keep my identity, I joined a modern quilting guild. Now, I am fortunate enough that people just so happen to want to buy stuff I make. I don't rely on someone else's company for money - I rely on me and MY company. A company that operates during the times my son is asleep or playing with Daddy.
That aside - let's assume I don't earn any income (and trust me when I say I don't earn enough to support any of the three of us at this point). It's all in what you call it and how you look at it. Yes, I rely on my husband's income because he is the breadwinner. I don't see this as being 'dependent', per se. I don't have to ask "permission" to buy something or do something (of course, I would never buy or do something outlandish anyway). He doesn't control me.
Earning an income isn't the only thing that decides if someone is dependent or independent. I have my own interests. I work full time to raise and homeschool our son. I am involved in several organizations and contribute to political events in our area. I do plenty of things outside of the home.
I had a friend tell me the other day that she could never give up her dreams of becoming a chef someday if she had kids. I laughed and jokingly told her I got to practice my cooking skills every single day by providing fresh, healthy and non-boring meals for my family (we don't eat mac 'n cheese from a box - in fact, Julia Childs is one of our favorite cookbooks).
What I'm saying is, people assume I'm some quiet house mouse that sits around and folds laundry all day in a depressed state. It's not for everyone, but it's all in what you make of it. I would take raising my son myself rather than paying someone else to do a crappier job of it over a corporate career any day. I answer to me and the decisions my husband and I make for ourselves, not some guy who could careless about his employees.
I could careless about labels and what it means to be this or that. I don't care if I fit someone's idea of what women should be. I'm happy. My family is happy. That's what I care about.
Yepp, and the husband relies on the SAHM to keep the house together...nobody's 100% independent.
You go, girl. :)
I left my dream job at my favorite record label to be a stay at home mom, and I feel that in no way did my opportunities end when I decided to stay home. They just changed. :) I felt that by continuing to work, I was losing out on opportunities to raise my son and enjoy his babyhood! Now as a SAHM I have the opportunity to soak up every precious moment of my baby's life, because I know it will go so fast. And if and when I return to work outside the home, the music business isn't going anywhere and neither is my degree. But my baby being a baby, well that little bit of time is fleeting and I'm glad I grabbed the opportunity to soak up every second. :)
Hi again. :) I think I clarified in my comments that when I said "dependent" I meant "financially dependent." Any way you look at it a SAHM is financially dependent. It doesn't mean that SAHMs (like myself...completely financially dependent at 41) don't do things that have value or that they aren't self-sufficient. It just means that all the cooking, cleaning, budgeting and shopping in the world won't support you if something happens to your husband. And it is not as easy as it might seem when you are starting out to just jump back into the work force. After a decade or so at home, going back to work at a decent job with sufficient pay to support yourself and your kids (and pay for childcare and housekeeping) might be impossible.