Saturday, 26 March 2011
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Thoughtless Advice For A Single Mother-To-Be
I was feeling a bit nostalgic since being at college has been getting me down recently, so I went on a website I used to go on back in my teenage years. Now as a teenage girl with a long term boyfriend I found this website particularly useful in terms of expert and peer advice in addition to the cool games.
I was reading this story about this teenage girl who was 17 years old, about to begin her second year of college and who had accidentally become pregnant. In all fairness, she admitted that she could've done more to prevent this situation, but she was asking for help and advice.
Some of the peer reactions were horrible. I have no idea if it was due to the age of the peers or the way they were raised or just simple narrow-mindedness that brought reactions without thoughtful consideration. These reactions weren't necessarily horrible, just a little bit insensitive.
Some of the people clearly thought that they were giving advice that would be most beneficial to the mother - Leaning heavily towards getting rid of, or giving the baby up for adoption. On the surface, these seem like a reasonable and well thought out conclusions to come to, but I would like to challenge those views. Not to say they're wrong, just throw them out there for consideration in a different light.ABORTION:
The biggest response seemed to be that this girl should have an abortion, which admittedly solves the problem of an unwanted child, but is overlooking the fact that it is a child life. There are many unfortunate people who are unable to have children through no fault of their own, and it seems ridiculous to be throwing life away when there are people that are willing to nurture and raise someone else's one night stand.
Even if the girl in question was to 'get rid' of the baby, the psychological impact of having an abortion - especially on a child you could've kept if you fell pregnant the year after, could be a very difficult thing to deal with. Even more so if there is pressure from the family and from the institute of learning that you are at. (Even though they are meant to support you, some have been known to discriminate).
If a woman agrees to an abortion, but feels in any way pressured into it, she may end up resenting all those who seemed to think it was a good idea at the time. This also applies to a man. If he feels his partner has rushed into or is dead set on having an abortion and has not even consulted him, he may also develop feelings of resentment.
It's alot more of an intricate and touchy subject than the people replying on the website made it seem. It was almost like they were trying to be insensitive to exaggerate the need for the mother to get rid of the child before she formed an emotional bond with it and started second guessing herself.
This leads me onto the next and less popular option:ADOPTION:
People who seemed to think you shouldn't keep the child tended to be more in favour of abortion, presumably because of the emotional bond formed during pregnancy and the fact that it is notoriously difficult to carry a child to term and give it away. However, some people commented on the fact that she had made this mistake and that the least she could do was give the child a life that it deserved by giving it away to a family that desperately wants children, but unfortunately cannot have them.
This option is often associated with depression and all kinds of other unpleasant aftermath. Having never had a child I cannot comment on the love that a parent would feel for a child - especially the mother (not implying that fathers do not love their children, only pointing out that the mother has a special bond with the child which lasts throughout life, as the mother shared her body with the child for nine months).
The loss of this child be it through adoption or otherwise would be devastating to the family unit. Giving up a baby for adoption to save a relationship may also be the thing that ruins it.And, finally...
KEEPING THE BABY:
Keeping the baby, is not something that people generally advise really young people. However, most can actually make it work. Others can ruin children's lives, but that has nothing to do with their age, because that is just a number. It has to do with how mature they are and how they come to terms with the fact that they are expecting a baby.
The other thing that seems to be essential to the process is that there is a good support network. Like I said, not many people on this website advised the girl to keep the baby. And, instead of using things that older mums generally look forward too, like feeding and buying stuff, etc., the commenters were using them as deterrents. Babies bring joy, but there has to be a really good support network and collection of friend and family.Outside of these three options, what really concerned me the most was that, the people offering advice to this girl, had never been in her situation, did not fully understand her situation and, therefore, could offer comprehensive advice. I think that this is a glaringly obvious reason not only for sex education, but education for the options after accidental conception, and birth and beyond.
Does anyone else agree?
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- From: stef_28@xanga
- Name: stef_28
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Comments (58)
I knew quite a few new mothers in college who somehow made it work. One girl never saw her grades slip past a 3.75 even though she had a job and a toddler.
I do not agree. Abortion is the best option for all parties involved out of the three choices given my research, and I would encourage all women to make that
choice if they asked me in regards to an unwanted foetus they had, no matter what their situation. Of course my reasoning would be a lot longer than I present here to give them comfort of mind. I would not judge them or persecute them in making that choice either, because there is nothing wrong with abortion. There is everything wrong with ignoring scientific findings, arguing from emotion or personal experience, and not being objective, however.
I have some issues with your argument against abortion: For starters, I think the logic that someone should have an unwanted child just so they can give it up for adoption is moronic. There have been studies done that show that the psychological trauma of a full term pregnancy is more damaging to a woman than the psychological trauma of an abortion, so that also knocks out that argument. Not to mention it's a physical ordeal that no one should be put through against their will. Furthermore, does anyone honestly believe that there need to be more children available for adoption right now? There are plenty of children to be adopted in our country and in others than are in need of loving homes. Those who cannot have their own children have no shortage of children available for them to adopt, so I'm not buying that either.
And, no offense, but you're ragging on the people on that website for not providing her with good advice, but you're not exactly making any constructive comments in your post here. It's basically a "Well, you're screwed no matter what" kind of attitude.
You're completely right. Abortion is ending a CHILD'S life. Another human being. I just cannot wrap my mind around how people can openly support it like spectrophile here. It is just so cold.
You're also right that people who haven't been in her situation are less qualified to answer but that is how it is on the internet. Not only that but I doubt it would've changed the answers much. Women in that situation make all kinds of different choices - open adoption, closed adoption, keeping the baby & raising it well, keeping the baby & doing an awful job, abortion. Since everyone's lives are so different the circumstances are going to be different for each and every girl in that situation no matter how many similarities there are - like you said, family & friend network is a major consideration and those are different for everyone.
Before anyone jumps down my throat - just remember we're all entitled to our opinions and I'm just sharing mine. As you can see from my screen name, I'm in favor of motherhood and I am a mother so of course my views are my own and aren't going to align with everyone's.
Well, yeah, I would agree with you.
The thing is, when asking for advice, this is what's going to happen. Of course none of these people had been in her shoes, but they'll answer anyway because they have their own opinions on each of these. Everyone would do things differently. I don't think it's a big deal. If I was in her shoes, I may handle it differently then she would want too. I can still share with her what my experience was and give her my personal advice.
As for abortion, I'm not a fan of it... at all. I wouldn't suggest anyone go out and have one. However, it's still legal and if she wants to do it, she's going to do it. There's nothing anybody can do to stop her, but I wouldn't offer that up as a good option. No way.
I think the adoption issue is rather funny. I'll offer that up as a good option, becuase if one is PRO ACTIVE enough, they CAN find a good home for their baby. You have options like closed or open adoption. Realistically, of course, no, not all adoptions are all rainbows and butterflies. But, again, if one is proactive enough, they can have a good experience with it. People seem to put it down super easily, stating that the world is over populated enough and so many kids need to be adopted, etc. You only hear negative things. They get mad when people offer it up as option, but yet they refuse to see any good in it themselves. They claim that, the people saying adoption is a good option, are always postive, but they are always negative. So, it can go both ways. Adoption IS a GOOD OPTION.
Guess what? All those people who "can't have children through no fault of their own" can adopt any number of kids. There are SO many kids in this world whose parents gave them away. Do you know how that fucks with some people's heads? Just kill it. It's cheaper than the other two options and if you're lucky it'll ruin the chances of you getting pregnant again; so fuck away Meryl, fuck away.
If I EVER get pregnant before I want to, (not that I ever think I'll want to) you can bet your sweet bippy I'll be in the clinic faster than you can say "fuck me hard". I take ever precaution I can to make sure I don't get pregnant.
This is why people just shouldn't ask for advice from random people on the internet. NOBODY can give great advice without even knowing the person...this kind of thing is far too personal for that. Like, if I were to somehow get pregnant now, I can say with 98% certainty that I'd have an abortion, and I probably wouldn't feel at all guilty about it either. But I'm in no place to tell someone else that they should do it too.
@Darth_Windows@xanga - Damn, this is EXACTLY the kind of thing that goes on in my head before the filter kicks in. I wish I could just grow a pair sometimes lol.
On a semi-related note, why the fuck are doctors so freaked out about women getting their tubes tied before they have kids? "Oh, she might change her mind someday..." Why is that any of their business? It's a perfectly voluntary, legal procedure, and anyone who consents to it should be well aware of what they're getting themselves into. Just let me shut down my baby-maker now, and everyone will be happy!
@shpadoinkle12@xanga - Oh my god! I agree with that. If I want kids I'm about 98% sure that I would adopt anyway. I think about all the kids out there without homes, so why don't I gave them one? Why over populate more when you can just adopt? Oh, and btw, I have a filter. But that's what gets wrote down afterwards. This is the interwebs. I generally don't care what people think. I'm much more graphic in real life. Much of the way I explain things is delivery. So on the internet it comes off worse because you can't hear me say it.
@shpadoinkle12@xanga - I'd threaten to sue if a doctor wanted to refuse getting your tubes tied due to your age - as long as you're over 18, fuck 'em, it's not their call to make.
As for the "it's a CHILD" argument against abortion - no, it's really not. It's a parasite - removing it is no different from removing a tick. Just because eventually if you let the parasite grow it'll become a child is irrelevant. If the people pushing for having and keeping kids actually gave a damn about the kid or the parent, they would NOT be wanting anyone to have a kid when they're too young and / or single. But they don't care about that, they have their irrational religious views telling them that it's OK to destroy the lives of both the parent and child as long as you don't get an abortion or put it up for adoption.
I would get an abortion there are already too many kids that need adopted... People seem more concerned about babies what about the children and teens with no parents already. I will not contribute to the overpopulation in this world. People who have abortions usually get it done as fast as possible. the fetus isn't even big enough for the human eye to see so I don't understand how you could even compare that to a baby. I think it should be mandatory for teen girls to be on birth control; I've been on Birth control for 5 years and it has done me well.
Some of these comments are really disheartening to me. I thought having a child when I did (at 24) was going to ruin my life and destroy our finances but it did not. What I did not count on was just how much I would love and adore my child. Not until my son was born did I realize none of my fears and worries mattered anymore because he is more valuable to me then anything else I could want.
I'm sorry, but I didn't read past the "accidentally pregnant" part. I've never heard of anyone "accidentally" having sex ("I was just laying on the couch naked minding my own business and he fell and his erect penis accidentally penetrated my vagina repeatedly and had an ejaculation" )so nobody becomes pregnant "accidentally."
I am sympathetic to the mother's need to make a difficult choice, but the problem with rampant teen pregnancy stems from this idea that a girl can be old enough to have sex but not old enough to be responsible for the consequences, and this "accidental pregnancy" nonsense is a symptom.
@Lost_In_Reverie@xanga - A+
@shpadoinkle12@xanga - @BimmerPhile@xanga - I had to beg for years to get "permission" from my doctor to get my tubes tied, in fact, I ended up pregnant and having an abortion and finally they realized I was serious that I never wanted children. It's really the fault of the sue-happy public, no doctor wants to have a young woman come back after having her tubes tied and suing them for letting them do it. However, search hard enough and you should be able to find a doctor willing to do it after age 21, I don't think there's any doctor that will do it before that age though.
While you've pointed out the most popular options that people usually give to women seeking advice on an unplanned pregnancy, there are a few other options that usualy are not mentioned.
These fall under the "Keep the baby" umbrella but don't actually overburden the parent if, say, this parent truely feels incapable of parenting at that particular time.
Place the child with a family member. This is simple, do research before the birth and talk with family to see if someone whould be willing to take care of the baby while the parents get it together. This is also something that can be set up after the birth. Usually it's nicer to have a few months warning though than just a few days if you are said family member.
If no family member can help, then the parent has the option to place the child into foster care until such time that the parent feels she/ he is able to provide the home that needs to be provided. It sounds harsh, but some people just cannot juggle eveything handed to them in life. The foster system IS truely provided to try and help families. If placing your child in a foster home for 4 months will help you get everything settled and straightened out while allowing your child to be in a safe stable environment then I feel it's a good option. People always overlook this option.
that's my two cents.
but yes. people who look for adive on pregnancy online, it gives the impression that they just want to start a debate about weither abortion is murder or not.
and it's a silly debate.
@wearywalden@xanga - <3 Thank you for sharing this.
as a teen, i decided that I never wanted children. I never wanted to be pregnant or give birth or raise a child who looked like me. My plan was adoption from the get go. When that plan fell through, my husband and i decided to try pregnancy to build our family. I NEVER understood how wonderful it would be. I never comprehended how blessed my life would be to have these two people around. My children are amazing and beautiful and to see them fills me with joy.
I never expected to feel this way. But i do. And it's nice.
@Alle_in_Ashe@xanga - nicely put, it is difficult to describe just how much love a mother feels for her children
@BimmerPhile@xanga - @shpadoinkle12@xanga - Doctors don't like to tie a woman's tubes before a certain age because it can send you into early menopause. I don't think any 18-year-old is prepared for hot flashes and mood swings of that caliber.
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - As long as they are fully aware of the potential risk (all medical treatments have risk) and they still choose to do it, it's not the doctors call to make. Doctors don't have the right to force you to have kids you don't want just because they think you should have kids.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - Nobody's forcing anyone to have kids. Where the hell did that come from? Be smart and use birth control/spermicide/condoms/whatever, and you shouldn't have anything to worry about. If you STILL want your tubes tied at 26, then fine. Do it. You might be fully aware of what could happen, but AGAIN, you may not be fully PREPARED for what happens.
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - Those things do not always work, as anyone who knows anything about birth control will tell you. They're saying "don't have sex or have kids". It's not their goddamn choice to make. Do you want the person working at McDonald's to get to decide what you should or should not eat? Of course not, so why should a doctor get to tell you that you can't have surgery to prevent having kids?
I'd be hard pressed not to beat the hell out of a doctor if they tried to tell me something like that.
"You might be fully aware of what could happen, but AGAIN, you may not be fully PREPARED for what happens."
The same can be said for hundreds of millions of parents - yet I don't see you supporting doctors forcing them to NOT have kids. Just because you think kids are great doesn't give you the right to force other people to have them.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - Again, who the hell is forcing anyone to have kids? Doctors don't do early tubal ligations for HEALTH reasons, NOT to force you into motherhood. There are also legal reasons that somebody else pointed out ~ that somebody who has their tubes tied early may change their mind later, and then goes on to sue the hospital for letting her get the procedure anyway. It's an effort to protect EVERYBODY'S interests. Sorry if it puts a damper on your day.
The only people spouting off that whole "Don't have sex" bullshit are the ones preaching about abstinence only. Most educated people know that approach is ineffective. And no, not one form of birth control is an absolute 100% chance of preventing pregnancy. Most educated people know that, too. But if you're smart about it, the chances you get pregnant are minimal if you use it correctly and have a back-up. Try using condoms with spermicide in addition to your birth control. Also, you can get Plan B at any pharmacy now without a prescription. If you're afraid you've had some mishap, go get some. But DO NOT try to make this into some sort of procreating conspiracy. You're dead wrong about that.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - And for the record, kids ARE fucking amazing. But I'm not forcing you to have one, either. I hope with all my might that you never reproduce.
@the_rocking_of_socks@xanga - No, they don't refuse for health reasons. Countless news articles on this issue have been done and doctors clearly say that "Well, we think they'll change their mind when they're older". This is purely about people wanting to force their will on others.
" that somebody who has their tubes tied early may change their mind later, and then goes on to sue the hospital for letting her get the procedure anyway."
A bogus lawsuit that most likely won't go anywhere is irrelevant. You chose to have it done and were told the effects. This is like suing Ford because you wished you had bought a Honda instead - just because you regret your decision doesn't make it someone else's fault.
"But DO NOT try to make this into some sort of procreating conspiracy. You're dead wrong about that. "
Hardly. Society demonizes anyone who doesn't think having kids to drain your wallet, suck all the happiness from you, and ruin your life is "good". You're a great example of this with your snotty "I hope with all my might that you never reproduce." comment. Just because YOU threw your life away and delude yourself into thinking this was "good" doesn't make it so (the best part is, mostly likely that kid is paid for by some poor bastard who got stuck paying the bill - not you). There's a reason that all around the world it's been repeatedly shown that as the average level of female education increases, the fertility rate decreases - because they have something to lose now that they have an education and a future and decide to enjoy life instead.
If you want to spend your life covered in shit / vomit, stressed to hell and back, no free time, little disposable income, and overall miserable because you were told by your parents and society that this is a "fulfilling life", that's your choice. There's no need for you to try to force or guilt others into throwing their life away too.