Today my friend very kindly told me that my cellphone called her and she heard me screaming at my kids. I was awfully embarrassed, but thankful she told me. She had just lost her foster kids and the last thing she needed in the world to hear was me having an absolute mommy-meltdown tantrum.
On the way home from picking up my kindergartener at the bus stop, my kids did what they have done dozens of times before: race on the way home. They were pushing and shoving each other trying to get home first.
I was trying in vain to catch up with the older two, with the littlest one in tow and despite my yelling at them to stop, my kids ended up pushing each other into the street in front of an oncoming car. There was a little boy about 8 or 9 walking towards them up the street and he was trying to go around them and so he ended up in the street also in front of the car.
Fortunately the car stopped in time and honked and went around. I was mad at my kids for endangering themselves and the other little boy, but what I was really mad about was the foster care system hurting my friend's family and me. That anger transferred right over to my kids' behavior. I exploded.
I grabbed them in each hand and hauled them the rest of the way home, yelling and berating them and calling them stupid and awful things. At home, I yelled at them the whole time they took off their snow gear and I even yelled at them for not getting their stuff off fast enough.
I don't know exactly at what point my phone called my friend, or what she heard, but none of it was gracious or nurturing or kind. None of that was anything she should have had to deal with hearing, especially when she was going through so much right after losing her kids.
I was mad at the universe about what was happened to my friend that day. I was mad that I had lost our first foster kids and that my dear friend was having to go through the same awful pain and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. And certainly, there is no excuse for me channeling my mood onto my kids. I'm a grown up. I should find the right ways of coping with my emotions.
I already knew I had problems with transferring anger onto my kids. This past summer when I was trying to help my mother-in-law and we were renovating the basement, my husband "checked out" from time to time which was his way of coping with the stress.
My husband's way of dealing with things is healthy. He would step back and think through things so that he could deal with them. However, I felt angry and abandoned and frequently I found myself yelling at the kids when I was actually mad and resentful of my husband taking time away.
I got this book about 3 months ago,
"ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool" by Hal Runkel. The philosophy behind it is to grow yourself, find your own peace so that you can be cool-headed in any situation. It really worked. I still had my grumpy moments, but I was dealing with my emotions in much more healthier ways and not yelling at my kids very often.
But somehow this past week, I forgot to take care of myself. The event of my friend losing her kids brought out all kinds of pain and anger for me. And instead of finding a quiet moment to deal with it, I continued on with my day. And by not taking care of myself, I wasn't ready to deal with my kids.
And on top of that, my friend had to hear some of that awful stuff coming from me, a person she trusts to babysit her own son. So tonight, I'm pulling out that book again and reading it again. I can't take back the horrible things I said, but hopefully I can learn from this and be a better Mommy in the future.
Do you find stress in your life affecting your parenting? How do you cope with it?
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Comments (33)
shock collars
Hi there! Just looking through the blogrings and came across your site.
I too tend to yell at my kids and then later feel bad about it, but at the time in the moment that's just what I do... hang in there, you're not the only one.
I have an issue with this whole blog.
As a foster parent, those children were not "yours" to lose. They are innocent victims of a system who have parents that they love. We, as foster parents, are just temporary caregivers until those children get to go home. So when children in care get to go back to their parents, we as foster parents should be REJOICING that they get to back where they belong. Not being all angry because "our kids" were taken away. We didn't lost them to the system, their parents did.
**Now there are exceptions in this case, I am STRICTLY talking about parents who are actually good parents and did everything they needed to do to get their children home. I am NOT talking about cases where the parents are unfit and happy to stay that way, or have so many issues that it would not be safe for that child to return (as is the case with the monkey we are adopting).**
Im glad you found that book helpful, I actually returned it to the store because I did not agree with a lot of the author's ideas.In my opinion, there are better books.
As for you screaming at your kids, I caution you to be careful because some people (like me) consider that to be verbal/emotional/mental abuse.
i feel horrible after yelling at my nephew! i can't even imagine how bad you felt!
@lonelystrangergirl@xanga - for the parent or the child or both.
I yell at my son too much. I try not to, but it happens, but I try not to call him names. I never have. I am sure that one day it will happen. I am human. I would have had the same reaction if my children weren't careful when playing.
And if my friend told me that she didn't need to hear me yelling at my kids because she just lost her foster kid, I'd thank her for having enough insight to see beyond her problems and asking me what the problem was. If the shoes were reversed, that is what I would have done. If my friends phone called, and I heard her having a mommy meltdown, I would have asked her what was wrong and if she needed me to do anything, not transfer whatever negative feelings I had on to her.
Maybe I'm stupid, or just not insightful enough, but I fail to see how the foster care system is in any way responsible for that. Maybe it was best for them to take away "your" kids if that's the way you act.
I understand that everyone gets irritated sometimes, and the children running out in front of a car would have absolutely stopped my heart in my throat, too, but screaming, calling them stupid, and berating them continuously? That's not something that you can excuse because you "didn't take time for you". I know it's a popular idea, that mom can regularly schedule me-time, but sometimes it just doesn't happen, and you have to soldier on.
I hope that you can get help for your anger issues and that you were exaggerating.
Sorry some of these commenters are being so judgmental. I'm sure you're a wonderful parent that just loses her cool occasionally. I'm right there with you. I have three kids three and under and oh.my.goodness is it hard work! By nature I am a very impatient and easily frustrated person so my kids are teaching ME all day every day. But I still lose my temper and yell far too often. I'm working on it though, and I'm glad you are too! Hugs!
My mother also used to have very bad outbursts on my sister and I. Not all of the time, but when she did, they were bad. Once she got mad in the car and started yelling about how she hoped my dad would take care us because she was going to divorce him and never wanted to see any of us again, and to cry our eyes out because we deserve it. I would still consider her a very good mother, but with occasional very bad tantrums. Please try to do what you have to do to deal with your anger in healthy ways. While in my own experience these times didn't affect me too much, I can remember some of the outbursts word for word. Those aren't the things you want your kids to remember most about their early childhood.
Hmmm it sucks that it happens, but its a solve - able problem. If you feel angry, stop, close your eyes, breathe, and say calming things. Kids are kids. They mess up and make you scream. It's now your responsiblity to control your emotions and work with it.
@MrsJenBean@xanga - She should have her kids taken away because she yelled at them? Who did you grow up with, Mr. Rogers? Relax.
Man everyone on here must be perfect parents....
We all have our days. I'll admit, I don't think I've ever been quite like that...but I tend to be more "subtle" on my grumpy days...and I give all sorts of looks. Which is just as bad honestly.
I've lost it a few times myself. Something I find very valuable is to be able to come back to my kids and apologize and say I was wrong and I should not have treated them like that. I feel like that shows them we are all human, even adults make mistakes and that we have to be "grown up" enough to admit our mistakes and try to make amends. It's been very humbling for me as a mom, but I hope absolutely valuable for my kids.
dont forget, you're a human being as well !
no one is perfect and what matters is you realize what's your bad and your taking initiative to fix it !i wish you luck with everything! :) maybe i should get that book for my mom hahaI am so glad to see that you're trying really hard to do better, and I'm also really glad to see that your friend is assertive enough to mention it to you as well. I hope that you can manage to get this under control, it is really destructive and you might be surprised at the hurtful things that kids who are yelled at / berated by their parents will remember. Have you thought about going to therapy? That might help you deal with the underlying issues so that you aren't taking your anger out on your kids or anyone else. That said, everyone is being super critical and I'm just glad to see that you're at least making an effort, so keep it up.
@watsmynameagain@xanga - Ugh, I can totally relate. I remember my mother asking me why I couldn't be more like my stepsister once,
and I remember her telling me once when she didn't even seem angry "I only got pregnant with you so that your father would stay with me, that didn't work, and he didn't want you either."I remember that "either" the most because even then I knew she couldn't speak for him, but that she was speaking for herself that she didn't want me. Terrible.@Just_For_Shits_And_Giggles@xanga - Sorry, public humiliation of children just really gets to me. This doesn't sound like a "whoops, mommy yelled for a minute"- she says that she screamed at her kids and called them stupid the entire way home, and while getting out of their snow gear. That's got to be around 10 minutes or so of straight screaming, and in public, so they get to be embarassed, too. Now, if these are foster kids, don't you think that maybe they've been through enough parental instability? And no, I didn't grow up with Mr. Rogers. My parents got mad at me, too, and I was spanked when I misbehaved, but explosions of that level didn't happen. My parents never made people uncomfortable when they overheard what they were saying to me.
All I'm saying is, if she has anger issues (and she admits that she does) and so much hostility towards the foster care system, perhaps she's not the best choice to be a foster parent.
wow, these people are harsh.
I don't think that is exactly transferring your anger onto your kids. They endangered themselves and it triggered you to react in a way that would make them re-think their silly behaviour in the future. Because you were MORE angry than you should be, is not a crime; I think it makes them realize just how serious you are. I'm not sure scream-free parenting is always a good thing. If kids don't realize how serious you are about them doing bad things that endanger their lives or the lives of others, they will do it without a care.
I'd rather yell at my kids to make sure they understand the gravity of what they did, than just be a peaceful hippie who just brushes it off, and then has to watch their kids get blown away by a car.
Now this isn't to say it's okay to scream at your kids in public or that carrying on the whole way was necessary, the entire ordeal could have been left until you got home. I think you reacted naturally and you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about it.
@MrsJenBean@xanga - i could totally hug you........ I am a foster mum and we never name call, especially "stupid"or scream at the children. Raised voices is one thing (especially with a 3 year old who has mastered tuning out momma) but what the OP described.. I'd want my kids removed from that home (OK that sounds really harsh but I am talking about foster children who have already been through a lot, not bio-kids).
@Alle_in_Ashe@xanga - I agree, I am harsh. But I am also a fostermum who is fiercely protective of foster children. We are given the privilege to care for the innocent until they can return home or move on to their forever family (adoption).. they have been through so much already that they thought of them being verbally trashed gets me really riled up.
Often times I find stress affecting my parenting.
With a 16 year old son that has ADHD and ODD that has turned into a compulsive liar, stress is an everyday thing in our house.
When feel like I am going to explode, I try to walk off from him and go to our bedroom. Take time to calm down. Sometimes am able to do that others he will either follow along behind me or can hear him yelling comments from his room.
Reason anymore I just give or let his father deal with him.
Know it isn't helping him any by me just giving up but a person can only take so much.
Before someone mentions it; he is in therapy has been for 10 years. (started out with ADHD and seperation anxiety)
Now we also do family therapy once every 3 months unless therapist feels need to come in sooner.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Cool, somebody who agrees with me! I've been accused of being harsh before, too. That's probably correct, if being harsh is expecting personal responsibility and self control from adults is the definition of harsh! What can you do, right? *shrugs* It's funny cause somebody accused us of being hippies and overly permissive, but honestly, I'm really conservative. I believe whole-heartedly in punishment, but appropriately.
@MrsJenBean@xanga - First off I don't think she called them stupid? That's not what she said. she described the names /she things she said as "stupid and awful". Way to read correctly. Your life must be awfully simple if you never get stressed out, frustrated, or lose your cool.
OP: It happens.. don't beat yourself up too much over it. I would probably have a panic attack if my children (if I had any) ran out into oncoming traffic. I have the same way of dealing with things, when I'm stressed it comes out as anger. It's just something I have to work on and give myself a few moments to breathe and clear my head before I react.. granted I can't stop myself EVERY time but I definitely try.
I'm not a parent but I can understand that reaction. No, it's not the correct reaction, but it's understandable. Not only did they endanger themselves, they endangered another child, too. I'd rather yell at my kids than have them die. It's not like you screamed at them for spilling their juice, it was a very serious and stressful moment. Yes, you went overboard, but I'm also sure they will NEVER do that again.
I think maybe you should talk to them and let them know that what you did was not okay. Also tell them you screamed like that because you were really scared that the car would hurt them; not because you were angry at them. My parents always apologized to me when they went overboard and I always appreciated it.
It took a lot of courage for you to admit that this happened...Thanks for sharing!
I started cleaning up my room as a 12 y/o when my beloved aunt came for a visit and came to see my torn up and messy room. I was so embarrassed that I never again had a messy room. Perhaps the embarrassment that you feel for your friend overhearing your tirade may help you think and behave as a loving parent instead of someone who makes their kids feel unworthy or worse...unlovable!!!
My father yelled at us and beat my sister and I at intervals as we grew up. My father died in 2009 and I cared for him the last 8 months of my life. I forgave him but the love was just not there..ever..for my father. His yelling and making me feel like I was a nobody had a PROFOUND effect on me..and still does at 58 y/o.
Please, please.. get some help.. learn new ways of coping. You are the adult..the mature one.. Your children will never forget how you treated them. You can still be a loving and guiding parent without berating your children.
They will remember how you treated them.. Please think of that the next time you lose your cool. Your kids will remember... and WORSE..they may learn to do the same things to their children!
I was so profoundly affected by my father's treatment of me as a child that I swore I would NEVER treat my kids in that same way.. and I didn't . My youngest is now 25 y/o and she was never hit nor was she made to feel unloved or that she didn't count.
Good luck to you...and to your kids.. for if you don't change as an adult..your kids will need a lot of love and goodwill sent their way by some other loving figure in their lives!!!
don't sweat it. I have "mommy tantrums" too that put my toddler's tantrums to shame. I've even gone so far as to have an "I can scream louder and longer than you" contest with her. It's not mature, certainly not admirable, but it happens. Fortunately we know that these things are NOT right to do, and seek to correct it. Being a parent doesn't mean being perfect :)