Tuesday, 15 February 2011
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Tell Me Tuesdays: What Did Your Parents Do That You Swore You Would Never Do As a Parent?
You know what I'm talking about! That thing that got under your skin that was an endless source of conflict when you were a child.So, what was it for you? What is that thing that your parents did that you swore, when you became a parent, you would never do? And, how is that going? Did you make good on your promise?
Maybe it was a chore that you detested. Maybe it was a parenting style or a means of punishment.
For me, I hated dusting. I swore I would never make my children dust the house. How am I doing with that? Well, for the first 16 1/2 years of parenting, I did fine. But now that my children are older, we share the chores and one of them is dusting and wipe-down.
Do I still hate it? Absolutely! But where I deviate from my mother's means is that everyone in the house rotates through that task, so that each person only dusts once every five weeks. AND, I try not to criticize their work too much. I make sure my expectations are clear and train them how I'd like it done, but try to space my husband and I out on the task schedule, so that about twice a month, the job gets done properly.
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Comments (43)
My parents fought in front of us a lot. I swore to myself, when I was pregnant with my first daughter, that my husband and I would never fight in front of the kids. So far, so good. My oldest is almost 5 and she's never seen us fight. I remember when I was a kid, screaming and crying because I thought my parents were going to divorce because they were fighting so much. Other than the fighting, they were good parents.
I won't be so ridiculously over-protective that my kids want to run away from me as soon as they get the chance. He isn't a teenager yet, but I am pretty sure I'll keep my promise.
i won't spank my children or ever tell them "because i said so" when they want a reason as to why i say they can't do something. i also won't come down on them as hard as my mom did when i messed up. i want my children to know that i'm a supportive, loving mother and can be their friend as well as the person who's responsible for them.
there's a long list haha...
no spanking with the belt... no being really angry when spanking... not spanking after a certain age. Saying I'm sorry when I made a mistake... saying I'm sorry when I snap at them...
Not playing devils advocate when they come to me with their problems with someone else...
Not guilt tripping them to do what I want them to do.
Not being over protective and allowing them to make their own mistakes/fail.
Not treating them like they are 12 when they are in their 20s.
I want them to want to have me around when they are older and have their own family.
Yeah... I do need counseling haha ;)
p.s. My son is only 3 months, but I want to maintain all of these things... at least they will be going through my head...
oh man. um...probably what erika said. AND, when i lost my virginity and told my mom she flipped out on me (i was 16-17). i swore to myself, even when i was pregnant, that when my son/daughter got older i wouldn't get mad at them for having sex while in high school, instead i'd try to be understanding. so far i don't have to worry about it, but my mind has already changed. i probably will lose my shit on them if they have sex at a young age.
i probably am going to do a lot of things i swore i wouldn't do that my mom did. hahah.I don't want to be too negative on my mom, but there are things I would do differently than her.
1. I want my daughter to see her mom and dad ACTIVE and healthy. I don't want them to have fast food, most of the week, EVER.
2. We don't spank with paddles or other objects.
3. I want to be available to talk too. I also don't want her to think I'm a big prude and we can't talk about sex. I never got a sex talk. It's just something we didn't talk about. It was too embarrasing for everyone involved and I don't want my daughter thinking that way.
@OsuwarInuyasha@xanga - I have a lot of the same things you do. I don't want to spank my children with a belt and not to be angry if i do ever spank them. (I don't really want to even spank my children. It always turned into more than just a little spank growing up) Give them reasons, and not 'because i said so' Let them make their own mistakes etc. I also want to show them that their parents love each other, not by being like OH PDA but just little things. I don't ever want to fight in front of my kids. And I want to be someone they can talk to, and come to when they need me, no matter how old they are.
I don't have kids yet, but those are the basics.
I had an ideal childhood filled with a protective and smart parent. I hope I can be HALF the mother my mom was. She was an amazing women, strong, fearless and had a keen ability to be my MOTHER and not my best friend until I was an adult and out of the house.
Even as a teenager, I considered myself lucky and I rarely complained about the strict rules. She had her good reason behind every rule she had, and to this day, at 24 years old, I owe her so much for bringing me up right.. I can't thank her enough.. and I miss her dearly
May she rest in peace.
@Brilliant_Innocence@xanga - Oh yeah, I got the sex but it was more just a book... other then that my mom freaked out when it was on tv or in a movie... she even asked me if I closed my eyes when I saw Titanic haha...and I was 16 when it came out
@onceuponatime0717@xanga - yeah, I've been listening to my pastor's series at church about parenting... and it makes a lot of sense to me. It does make me sad... because I think about my childhood and how some things were handled... I know my parents did their best... but some things were just uncalled for...
I will spank, but not up until they are 17 (yes I was spanked that old)(more like 5 or something).
I want my children to respect me, but not to be afraid of me. I was afraid of my parents. I know I have anger issues... and I really don't want them to come off on my children... if I am having a bad day or something...
Overall, my parents gave me a great life as best as they could. I mean, of course there are things you hate as a kid: I hated when my dad made me stand at the wall when I got into trouble. I would have to stand and stare at a spot on the wall, no talking or moving or anything. It was his way of making me think on what I did. And I would have to stay that way until he told me it was okay to come off. My parents weren't perfect (then again, nobody's parents are), but they did what they knew how and they tried their best with what they had (which wasn't much).
However, the one thing I would never do that my parents insisted on doing, was force me to go to church every time the doors were open. Sunday, Wednesday, camps/retreats, youth council, Vacation Bible School... I swear it never ended. I am not a bible thumper, but I am a Christian. However, I do believe that religion is something that shouldn't be forced on a child. It should be an option, and even a strong suggestion, but never forced. I mean, my parents were so forceful with it that it came down to "go to church or move out." So I moved out. ::shrug:: I don't ever want my son to feel that way or have to make that decision.
When I have kids next time, I will not tell them to shut up in any fight. Instead I will let them explain the situation or express their thought. My parents never gave me the chance to explain anything and it sucks. They will automatically think I am being rude and fighting them if I ever spout even a word during an argument.
I'm not a parent but I swear I won't worry so much about what my family looks like to people. Of course I'll care about my childrens health and making sure they're presentable but my parents were crazy, specifically my mother. She was so worried about how it made her look bad that I was fat that by the age of 14 she made me drink 24 diet pills a day and made me feel ostracized by cooking a nice meal for the rest of the family and then making me bake chicken and vegetables by myself.
And then sweating about small things. Who cares if a 15/16 year old wants to put a could blue streaks in her hair? Stuff like that shouldn't matter as long as the child is doing well in school and is overall a good child. Let them do it while they can because once they have to get jobs they won't have that choice.Some of you still sound like whiny teenagers who have "horrible" parents who "don't treat you right." Most likely your parents were doing the best they could with the situation and information they had. Growing up is not rainbows and unicorns, there will be times when all children are mad at their parents and feel like they are being treated unfairly. When your kids grow up, they will be saying the same things - when your kids grow up, there will be a new set of standards for raising children.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - maybe we are whiny... but then again you don't really know everyone's childhood... so you're just kinda being judgmental... all we did was answer the question.
@storyofmylife87@xanga - I know this sounds weird, but I actually think it's a good idea to fight in front of your kids, but ONLY as long as you and your husband fight fairly. That will show your kids that conflict is normal (and HEALTHY!) in a relationship but also show them how to deal with it in a healthy way.
One of my best friend's never once saw her parents fight because they always argued behind closed doors, so when her and her boyfriend got into their first fight, she thought the relationship was doomed. They are now married, but she still panics every time they argue because she doesn't know how to deal with conflict since it was never modeled to her by her parents. I think one of the best messages you can send your kids by fighting fairly (in front of them) is that even though you and Daddy don't always agree on everything, you love each other very much!
@HopeWithinReach@xanga - I hope my kids can say this exact same thing about me some day! You have been truly blessed!
@mevlink@xanga - I agree, my parents didn't really argue much in front of me or my sisters, but my dad did sometimes poke fun at my mom in front of us... I don't think she liked that much. But yeah I never really saw them disagree... or fight. They normally talked about things behind closed doors.
@mevlink@xanga - Oh, I totally get you. We *argue* but I mean like all out fighting. My parents screamed at each other and my mom would cry hysterically in front of us. I will never, ever, do that. We do bicker and argue but we make sure that if we *really* have to fight, we wait for the kids to go to bed. And, it works pretty well, because usually by the time our kids are in bed, we have cooled off and have thought about it and we don't fight. I swear, it works pretty well! ;)
My parents were really great, but I couldn't stand when they wouldn't give me reasons for things that they said not to do. We also never had a consistent schedule of anything around my house, and I hated that.
I am not going to clean their faces with my spit. I HATED it when my mom did that. I was so grossed out.
My parents were good parents, and I'm happy to have grown up with them. I do think I'll do some things differently, though. Like I think I'll handle the whole religion thing very differently. I won't force them to go to church, but if they want to go to a church/mosque/open ritual/synagogue/whatever, I'll let them, provided that they are old enough to understand what is going on in the service/ritual and that it wasn't something way beyond their maturity level.
i will never, ever tell my kids that i don't think they can do something. (my parents tried to tell me i wouldn't get into college...)
i'll support my kids activities 120%, even if i don't like their choice.
i will never tell my kids that they cause all of the fighting.
i'll make sure that we have an open relationship to talk about anything and everything.
i won't be overbearing. especially once they get into their older teens.
My mom was married to an abusive man. I swore I would never be with a "man" like that. And I'm proud to say I am with an amazing MAN!!!
@storyofmylife87@xanga - My parents were the same way. It was so bad that I oftentimes felt like we'd all just be happier if my parents divorced, so we wouldn't have to listen to all of the screaming and emotional abuse. This is definitely why I'm such an advocate of learning how to fight fair. But it certainly sounds like saving the really "good" fights until after the kids are in bed is a win/win situation! Your kids won't see you at each other's throats, and by the time you get a chance to discuss the issue again, you've both cooled down enough that you hopefully won't be at each other's throats in the first place. That's a great practice to help you fight fair: force yourself to take a break to cool off!
@OsuwarInuyasha@xanga - I definitely make a conscious effort not to poke fun of my hubby in front of anyone, especially the kids, but try very hard to say only positive things. I also don't want to complain about my hubby to my kids, which is something my mom did/does often. I understand that sometimes you need to vent, but you have to be so careful WHO you chose to vent to. Your kids are not the right people.