Wednesday, 02 February 2011
Okay, so I pretty much have an extreme case of baby making fever! I am twenty one years old, and have been with my boyfriend for five years in April. I do not ever see us splitting up.
Why aren't we married? I have no idea. He has never popped the question. I do not doubt his love for me at all. I kind of have a fear of discussing marriage with him. I fear he doesn't want to, so when someone asks us why we aren't married I quickly change the subject, which in turn makes him think I do not want to marry him. I think he is scared of me saying no. It's just something we have never discussed.
Now on to something we discuss all the time - having children. Over the past year I have had this extreme urge to have a baby. I seriously think about it all day.
I imagine what my child will look like. I get on Momaroo and read posts about people and their children. I make special trips to the baby aisle in Walmart to imagine what I would buy for my baby if I had one, and what I will buy him/her when they are born. I read Pottery Barn Kids magazines to imagine turning the spare room into a nursery. I take pregnancy tests knowing 100% I am not pregnant, but in the back of my head hoping that I am wrong. I had a list of future kids names, but recently forced myself to throw it away, because every time I heard a name I would like, I would rush myself to get the list and write it down. I am realizing how obsessed I really am.
So now I just want to know if anyone else is going through this? I once saw a post about this on Momaroo about the urge to make a second child, but no posts about baby fever with a first.
This is the part where you are going to think I am completely out of my mind. I have no job and I am in college. I am currently on a two semester break right now for financial reasons but I am definitly going back. I have been babied and spoiled all my life.
My boyfriend provides for me financially. He makes about six hundred dollars a week. I think that's enough to have a baby. Because we just spend all the money leftover from bills on ATVs, game systems, cd's, and going out to eat. My boyfriend is a very loving person. He adores children, including my little cousin. I do not have any experience with children, but he is sooooo good with them. My cousin asks him to babysit my little cousin instead of me! How crazy is that?!
I feel like I want a child of my own. I feel it will help me grow up, and give me a purpose in life. Right now I sit at home all day long while he works. I could be raising a little one. My dream job is being a stay at home mom. I wake up at 1:00pm because I have no reason to get out of bed. Also, friends are all moms and never want to hang out. We have more money than most of my friends and we are like the only couple around without children.
When I discuss it with him he says he kind of wants to have kids now, but kind of wants to wait a couple years. He will be 25 in April and I will be 22 in April. I think my boyfriend believes I am not ready to be a mom. I just know I can and will be a good mother when the time comes. Also, I have a fear of me or him being infertile. He takes lots of medicine for an illness he has. I want to know if I can even get pregnant. I know I can't do it and then undo it just to know. I just hope I am not dreaming of something that's never going to happen.
How do you know when you're ready to have kids?