Thursday, 27 January 2011
I tried to write this blog earlier today but was very unsuccessful. Some anxiety disorder reared its ugly head and I was camped out on my couch for some R&R (otherwise known as wallowing and sulking). Had a nice little semi-fight with my husband, the kind where I yell like an immature child and he holds his temper as best he can, and then when I dissolve into tears he consoles the weeping child, then the world returns to normal. Okay, take two!
So I've been charting my temperature, being absolutely pleased that all that I've read about happened to be true. I was pleased with myself that I was swimming in the sea of fertility, navigating the uncertain waters. It's always great when you end up doing something to better or further your existence.
Then I look at the chart today and realize that this chart does not look like all the charts that I have seen any longer. It seems to toggle up and down a lot more and I'm not sure why.
For a while it made those little toggles that it makes right before ovulation and then it plummeted like I've heard it was supposed to...then it shot right back up, more than it was supposed to. Now it's toggling on the high side...it's supposed to toggle high after projected ovulation, it just seems like it's more extreme than I've seen it.
I'm hoping it's toggling because I'm pregnant and it's too early to tell as of yet. I don't know.
One of the reasons my anxiety kind of took over today (other than me putting off the dishes for two days and fizzling out on the laundry) was it hit me how very, very, very aware I am of a certain part of my anatomy.
Do normal people really pay this much attention to their uterus...I mean...before "uterus" turns to "womb"? I mean, I'm keyed in on it all the time, assessing every single gas bubble and muscle twitch...even when, logically, I know it's too early for even the slightest muscle twitch.
I told my husband and I vowed to myself that I would stop and reflect when things started to get too serious with this fertility business. Today, I suppose, it just got a little more serious. Because, on the one hand I feel guilty if I don't pay attention to my body but then I feel so overwhelmed sometimes with trying to interpret what my body is trying to tell me.
I feel like if I don't pay attention then I might miss something that I should have been paying attention to. This frustration inevitably turns upon the most unsuspecting victim (i.e. the husband) and then you end up feeling bad for yelling at him when he's like this little puppy that didn't really do anything wrong but he goes ahead and takes the blame and ends up looking at you like he loves the ground you walk on anyway.
So I'm wondering if all these emotions, these body temperature changes, these mood swings...I'm wondering up to the heavens if it even means something! Does it or doesn't it mean that I'm pregnant? I don't know.
All the books that I've read tell me that it takes at least three weeks from the first day of your last period before an egg could even implant and start the onslaught of hormones. It can take a week longer before those hormones could even be perceived by your body...which is why one of the number one indicators of pregnancy is a missed period.
My next projected period is Feb. 1 (when all the bills are due, yaaaay), so...I've got just a little time to wait. And even if I miss my period, I've missed my period before and not been pregnant...
All the uncertainty is getting to me. All the unanswered questions are oppressing me. Tomorrow I should be over it, especially when my loving husband comes home from work and whispers lies of my beauty and accomplishments to me to make me feel better. Tomorrow is another day.
How did you handle the uncertainty of trying to get pregnant? Was it a rollercoaster of emotions?