I have no agenda to push any such notion, but I believe that some women should have to pass a test before being permitted to become pregnant. Many "women" today are completely unfit to be mothers. I cringe when I see some of the status updates, pulses, and blogs that some people publish.
I’m not a mother yet, but I do know how hard it is. I was 12 years old when my little sister came along, and 13 when my baby brother came. My grandmother was dying of colon cancer only 5 months after his birth, and refusing chemo. My mother was the only one out of 12 children who was capable of nursing her at my aunt's home.
Guess who took care of the babies for over a year? That's right. I did.
And even after this, my parents were both busy with work. I took care of the kids so much that my parents decided it surpassed "being part of the family" and paid me.
So , I know what it's like to have two little kids running around. I know what it's like when the little two year old is throwing books off the shelf and screaming because she wants to watch
another movie, while the infant is screaming because his bottle isn't ready yet, and I know what it's like when they just won't go to bed after a day like that and keep crawling out of their crib for their 6th glass of water. I KNOW what it is like.
But if you can't handle that, then you shouldn’t be a mother. If you cannot handle staying at home and not going out partying; if you cannot handle not getting intoxicated or high, then you shouldn’t be a mother. No one ever said you can't have a glass of wine in the evening, or even a few cocktails, but when I see "women" posting updates about being slosh-face drunk and their child is at home, I fear for the future of humanity.
I am so proud of you for getting a babysitter, but is she going to feed your baby the next morning when you're still hung over? Apparently not, when you are blogging about last night and how the baby's crying is annoying you because your head is pounding!
I know women who were raped, brutally raped, at a young age, kept the child, pulled their lives together somehow, and lovingly mothered their children in spite of everything they felt and had gone through.
Is it difficult? OF COURSE IT IS. But it is most certainly possible to do! And if you aren't capable of loving or taking care of your child, there is always adoption. I truly believe, that in many cases, adoption would be far less cruel to the child than staying with the biological mother.
Does it really surprise any of us that we read the news about women strangling their children for interrupting their "farmville time"? I'm not surprised. I'm just disgusted.
I'm disgusted that some women don't use birth control. I'm disgusted that some women get so intoxicated you don't know who they slept with. I'm disgusted that some women get so high they can't remember to feed their children. I'm disgusted that some women sit on their computers and let their children howl and scream for attention while blogging about how much they'd like to strangle the child at that moment.
Rather than blog about how annoying the screaming is, how about playing with him instead? Take him for a walk, build something out of building blocks, bake cookies together, make a mess in the kitchen cause you let him try and measure the flour.
Parenting is HARD WORK. Kids don't follow some formulaic rule. "Mommy alone time" is not always going to be possible because your child won't always take a nap without a fight. When they're sick, it can be even worse. Trying to calm down a hysterical 3 year old with the croup is HARD WORK.
But guess what mommies? It's your JOB. It's your FULL TIME job. You think it's underpaid? If you don't consider their smiles and warm hugs and tiny hands in yours reward enough, then maybe you should reconsider becoming a mother in the first place.
Being a mom is a privilege. And I am so tired of seeing that privilege abused by women who are too selfish to step up to the plate and be a real mother.
*The opinions expressed in Momaroo posts do not necessarily reflect the views of the Momaroo Team. However, we always want to encourage dialogue between readers and hope comments will be respectful.*
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Comments (38)
I think this is a bit harsh. One of my best friends is a single mother of two (an infant and a two year old) who works full time and every once in a great while she can find a sitter and she will go out and get drunk. She updates her status all the time about how her kids are annoying her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love them and doesn't do an amazing job at raising them. She is an AWESOME mother, and she's allowed to get drunk every now and then and she's allowed to complain about how annoying her kids can be. Just because people complain about their kids on Facebook doesn't mean they are horrible parents.
I know exactly what you mean. I quit my job to watch my sisters children (the closest I will have to children of my own). Day in and day out while their parents work and I love it. I love that the two kids wake up and ask for me and that they have their own agendas for the day. I love that I can see them grow up and that they drive me crazy sometimes. I'm home all the time catering to them because I love them and would do anything for them.
Well said. I couldn't agree with you more.
@quasarglow@xanga - I agree, getting drunk every once in a while doesn't mean you're a bad parent, and complaining doesn't either. People need to quit judging each other....there's more than one way to parent.
I agree with the OP. While getting drunk once in a while doesn't make you a bad mom (unless you're home with your kids while wasted), her point was that you have to make sacrifices to be good parent and some moms seem incapable of putting anyone else's needs above their own. And if you're constantly blogging/tweeting/facebooking about how annoying your kids are, people are going to wonder what kind of a mom you are....if you love them, show that to the world. No, we shouldn't "judge" but everyone makes split second judgments about people whether they intend to or not.
You know that you a preaching to the wrong demographic here, right? I am going to guess that most of the readers on this site are not like that.
I see what you are saying and I do agree with you. Well, except for the having to pass a test thing. Parenting is like on the job training and there's things you just can't learn in a classroom. Plus, testing really can't prove how good or bad of a parent someone will be, but that's just my opinion. I see where you are coming from.
That said, I don't read too much into peoples facebook statuses or blogs. Complaining here and there and going out drinking every so often don't seem like that big of a deal, but I know you're probably just talking about the extreme here. So, I can agree with you there.
I am little hesitant to believe that you have really been there done that because you were 12 and 13 years old when you were watching the kids. That is completely different when you are older and have the stress of paying bills, going to work full time, and having a spouse. 12 and 13 is the normal age of a babysitter so of course, it CAN be done, but I wouldnt compare that to a full time parent. But I do agree that parents do need to be more attentive to their children but I wouldnt make sweeping rationalizations about anyone just because of some things they write on the internet.
:/
This is why I try to make sure we're always "playing perfect mommy" in public/online. Have I ever privately wished someone would just come take my kids so I could just wipe my ass in peace, or just go out & have a drink (or not....but at least get out of the house!), or sleep more than 2 hours straight? You betcha. But it is impossible to express that POV to other people (especially people who aren't parents, but think they know what it's like to be without a full-night's sleep for 3 years straight, with a household to manage, a marriage to maintain, full-time school & a job, and no real help because your schooling is online & you're working for yourself) without someone judging you. So you keep plugging away and do whatever you have to do, and try to put a good face on it so you don't subject yourself to that kind of criticism.
I do have a problem with people who use their drug/alcohol of choice while they're the person solely responsible for their child(ren). I won't do anything that would make it difficult to drive to the emergency room should one of my kids need it.
God has the right ot make life and take it away. Nobody else has that right ot say who should and should not be a parent.
I totally agree with this post, especially as a fostermum.
This is how I see the teen girls in my town every single day.
I'm glad someone finally came out and said it.
Its not about being perfect, its about putting your children before yourself.
@Gorrific@xanga - @quasarglow@xanga - This post has been HORRIBLY edited from my original version. Of course I agree with you. In my original post this came out much clearer. I specifically said that there are exceptions and of course the occasional drink is perfectly fine. I was specifically addressing those who do this on a regular basis and neglect their child as a direct result of their partying. I apologize profusely as it comes across much differently in this post... half of my post has been edited out.
@RockstarJuiceNStarburst@xanga - "No one ever said you can't have a glass of wine in the evening, or even a
few cocktails, but when I see "women" posting updates about being
slosh-face drunk and their child is at home, I fear for the future of
humanity." Looks clear to me.
Lord help if anyone reads my "pulses" on here! LMAO! You would think I am constantly in the bag! ("Drinks"/"the bar" has become a code for something else entirely...just like a co-worker and I referr to men as different makes/models of cars.) And we won't touch that "forgive me Friday" comment from a few weeks ago, after I'd found out that the older kids had been abusing the dogs... CPS would be at my door in 2 seconds, even though I did nothing wrong.
I think, for some people, online is a way of "venting" frustrations so that they don't snap and do something regrettable on rough days. It has definitely served that purpose for me. There are countless times when I would have loved to have backhanded the 8 and the 10 year old into next week (I'll take that 3 year old with croup any day of the week over some of the BS that those two do and dealing with the fall-out from it!), but instead came here, sat down, blogged it all out (protected; viewable only to real friends that know me and understand where I'm coming from; lest someone else stop by and feel it's their place to judge me... Not that we know anyone that would do such a thing...), felt better and got up and went about my day without backhanding said children.
Perhaps it's the people painting roses and sunshine 24/7 that we should worry about instead... What are they hiding and when are they going to snap and start filling the bathrub?
I agree that there are "parents" that make me go, "Aaaand you had kids because...? The chihuahua got too big to fit in your purse and the store won't allow him in anymore...?" from time to time. However, in my experience, those are the minority and there's nothing to be done but cross my fingers and hope that their reality check is called in one day soon.
At some point in the past, I thought "testing" pre-parenthood might be a good idea, too... But most people can figure out what answer is "expected" of them and give the socially acceptable one, even if it'd be a completely different story in practice. Or do the right thing when they know they're being tested and then do the complete opposite when nobody's looking. Anyone that's ever hired someone that they thought would be great employee only to find out three months later that that same person has done nothing but text and chew bubble gum on the clock can attest to that.
@PrincessVictoria_2004@xanga - It really depends. I started taking care of my 3 year old sister when I was 8. I did this, by myself, with NO parents until I was fifteen years old. I was paying my mother's bills with her account when I was 10. I had to cook, clean, get my sister up for school, do her homework with her, forge my mother's signature, and even more than that. I know how to be a mother better than a lot of real "mothers" do. I think the author was trying to use some of her experiences to level with the readers more and to show that she GETS it, unlike some mothers out there.
@RockstarJuiceNStarburst@xanga - I hope you received my message but I just wanted to be sure so I thought I'd message you here.
We're sorry if you feel the edits to your post do not reflect the original intent. To be very honest with you, your post was very difficult for us to feature and we took much longer than normal to discuss your post and edit. We are very sorry if you feel misrepresented, that was definitely not our intent.
I think that many of our readers, including most of the Momaroo staff totally agree with the message of your post as is. However, if you'd like for us to remove it we can.
One thing to note: we received your post through this page: http://www.momaroo.com/submit-post?user=momaroo
"All contributors' posts are subject to editing" is listed as one of the guidelines. We stand by the edits of your post and very carefully considered the revision before we featured it. I hope you understand we did not edit your post without a lot of thought. We feel the edited version reflected the most important points in the most concise and clear manner.
Please let me know if you'd like for me to take down your post.
Thanks so much for contributing to Momaroo. Happy New Year to you and your family!
While you make alot of valid points, it doesnt make people bad mothers to get a sitter for the night and go have a drink or go on dates. I do oppose doing drugs but thats a whole other issue that Ive been scarred by. I have two beautiful children,I love them more then any thing in this world and feel blessed every day that god gave me a chance to be a good mom, a better mother then my mother was. However, I do wish sometimes that I could have a break, take a nice hot bubble bath,go out with my husband on a long over due date, silence, sleep, I wish for alot of things. That doesnt make me a bad mom. It just means Im human. Everyone wants that. Would I give my children up entirely for those things? Absolutely not. Like I said, I love them dearly. Though, when Im sick, or have a pounding headache and still have to get up and wipe dirty butts, make meals,clean my house,try to squeeze time in for me and my husband,A number of things. Do I wish sometimes that I had a bit of help or that someone would take my kids off my hands for a few hours so I can recouperate? Hell yes. I know Im not a bad mom, Youre judging people wrongly. My children are worth more then anything to me and I worry daily that Im doing good by them, however some days they just annoy the living crap out of me. Wait until youre a mother for real. Its totally different.
Fathers need to be held to a standard too. It's the difference between being a man and being a sperm donor.
I couldn't agree more about the alcohol/drugs.
I have a stressful job (cashier/people greeter at Wal-Mart, don't tell me that's not one of the worst jobs in customer service in the world), bills to pay, a relationship to manage that is constantly on and off the rocks, and a social life, but it always seems like it's ME who sits down and patiently plays with my boyfriend's little cousin. His parents are off their nuts crazy, jobless, drunkard slobs who don't give him the least bit of attention. They watch TV and are on the computer and go out and get stoned/drunk with their friends. When he wants attention, it's always superficial and a pat on the head, or in his mother's case, a threat of "whoopin his ass".
You know what? He's in his terrible twos right now. Everything is "NO!" and things are thrown, and people have been hit, but jesus, he's just a little kid. His parents fight and scream and curse in front of each other and live at "grandmas" house because they have nowhere else to go. How is it that I understand that better than anyone else in the house?
I understand I'm not his parent and that I don't have to deal with him 24/7, but even though he's been quite stubborn and sometimes (it seems, I guess not actually) quite cruel to me, I still have the patience to understand and sit down and do things with him that he likes. And you know what? I've noticed he's much more likely to cooperate with me than anyone else in the house. I include him in things and treat him with respect. Yeah, sometimes I have to ask for my privacy and shut the door because I'm tired and I just don't have the energy anymore, but it doesn't mean I tell him to go find his "deadbeat daddy" (his mother's words) and close the door in his face.
This world is fucked up and is filled with fucked up people.
This post isn't even half as "harsh" as mine would be. I commend the OP for staying rational.
all is see is blah blah blah.
I love this post! I agree with it 110%!! This also holds true to men who are inadequate fathers (aka deadbeat dads). Sadly, I know a few people. I hope everyone gets to read this post..something that is more worthwhile then getting into the unnecessary drama that's been flying around Xanga for quite some time now. I am a mother of 2 young kids, and yes, like what you said, it is A LOT of work, but their love is more than enough pay for me.. =D Motherhood is truly a privilege.
And thank you for writing this! :)
I don't see why some people are throwing fits over "Ohhhhh drinking doesn't make you a bad parent." stupid people, that is obviously not the point OP was trying make. The point is, if you're choosing to be a parent, then be fucking responsible for your children. a-duh.
"some women should have to pass a test before being permitted to become pregnant."
You don't know how often I've argued this.
Part of the reason I don't want kids anymore is because I want time for myself. People need to accurately judge how selfish they are. If they can't make necessary sacrifices for the well-being of their kid, than they shouldn't be parents.
Some women do not deserve to be mothers, but they are and you can't change that unless they are really unfit and you call child services on them.
harsh. why the scare quotes? does not being a mother or not being, by your definition, a good mother discount these women's womanness?