Tuesday, 28 December 2010
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Arguing In Front of Children
Before I was married or even had children I vowed never to argue in front of the kids. I always hated it when my mom and dad fought, mainly when my dad yelled at my mom. I also hated the aftermath, my parents would either be negligent or my dad would take his frustration out on us by yelling at us for stupid reasons.
Well, I hate to admit it but I feel like I married my dad because my husband has the same yelling problem. He yells at me when he's frustrated and now our 2 and a half year old gets in the middle of it. I feel bad because our son knows when we're arguing and whenever I tell my husband to tone it down it's like he can't control it.
So now not only do I feel like a bad wife and feel terrible about our arguments, but I feel like a bad mom for putting our son go through our misery. After all, it's not like I get up and walk away or anything, which maybe I should be doing.
I definitely don't want to end up like my parents even though I feel like I've married my dad.
What do you married folk do in this situation? Any advice for a newly wed, a new mom and someone who is expecting?
Post from Momaroo reader Caroline
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Comments (10)
I wrote a somewhat similar post about "fighting fair" here: http://www.momaroo.com/737018156/fighting-fair-breaking-the-cycle-of-emotional-abuse/
Sometime when you aren't in the middle of a fight, I would suggest brainstorming with your husband about how you can learn to fight "better" or what kind of "rules" you can set for when you do fight. I think "no yelling" is a must, but you'll have to decide how you BOTH can make sure that happens. Like I said in my post, I don't think there is anything wrong with fighting in front of your kids, but only as long as you're fighting fair. This will teach your kids that disagreeing is normal and natural, but also how to handle it in a mature and healthy manner.
My dad was also a yeller, and I've learned that almost whispering in response is a good way to get him to stop yelling. It just feels stupid to yell at someone who is whispering at you in return. Ask your husband what else you can do to help him keep his voice down during a disagreement.
Good luck, mama!
I think it's unrealistic for children to believe that their parents "never fight/fought" because everyone does. But, if you "fight" (argue) healthily then it is perhaps good for children to see that, because then they learn the healthy way to argue.
It's fine to have a "healthy argument" in front of your child so they can see how to resolve things. But by the way you're describing it your situation sounds like a lesser version of what my parents did, which wasn't healthy at all. My dad would beat my mother down verbally until she was so upset that she didn't know what to say. Thankfully I didn't become that kind of woman because I'd look at my mother and know I didn't want to feel so weak that I couldn't stand up for myself. And I didn't want to be like my dad, trying to overpower everyone in the house and make them afraid of him and when he couldn't take it out on my mom, he did that to me. So though it taught me want not to do, that was my choice to take that experience and learn from it. Not a lot of kids can do that and though growing up fast was a pain, being more mature for my age gave me advantages.
Regardless it was not fun to watch them fight. The way you describe it is not a way to bring up your child. But at least you realize this and that's more then I can say for other parents. I suppose what you can try to do is once you realize it's getting too heated and un-productive either: walk away or stop what you're saying and move the argument into a useful conversation. If that doesn't do it and it just gets worse you might want to try counseling. I know some people figure you should only do that once the situation has gotten completely out of hand but why wait? This might really affect your child more then you know and if you can't handle the situation yourself you need to find someone that can help you. Good luck.
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We do not fight in front of the kids.. my parents didn't fight in front of us (though we know they did have their share of arguments)... but we do argue.
I think couples need to learn how to fight fare. We have rules in our home when it comes to an argument, and we stick to them. Sometimes arguing turns to a fight and that fight goes on for days. Couples can find a counselor helpful, someone to help them learn how to argue. Sometimes you just have to walk away from the argument for a while until you have both cooled off. We usually agree to "continue this later" (meaning when the boy is in bed) .
I've experience the same when I was little and my parents fought, even now that I am older and when I hear my parents fight I get the chills. Even though my dad never laid a hand on my mom It's their loud yelling and door slamming that really scared me.
I don't want my kid to feel scared by our yelling, I hope that if ever when my fiance and I fight it will not be around my kid so he will not have to grow up feeling scared.
I can relate.
My dad would verbally, mentally & emotionally abuse my mom. He yelled too. He'd say horribly awful things to her & personally attack her right in front of me. He'd even ask me questions to try to play me against my mom. At first, I tried to placate them both. I wanted to defend my mom but wanted to stay on my dad's good side. Once I got to be about junior high age, I almost hated my dad & no longer cared what side I was on with him & I would defend my mom to him. He had hit my mom 3 times in my life (in front of us) and once she had to get stitches in the corner of her mouth. Unfortunately, she's still with him.
Me? I don't abuse anyone and quickly take blame ONLY when it's legitimate. I don't back down to my husband and I definitely defend myself. We yell unfortunately. This we're trying to work on. Unfortunately, while he doesn't abuse me or hit me, he's stupid sometimes and throws things at the wall in his anger & frustration. Which upsets me greatly & scares my kids. I will NOT allow them to grow up like that. So we're going to be going to counseling.
I agree with the others - arguing in a healthy way in front of your children is necessary. They need to learn that if they disagree with their SO they're going to have an argument. Arguments are NOT a reason to call a marriage quits - they need to learn it's normal and there are ways to argue fairly that can still foster a healthy marriage.
As a preschool teacher who has a student mention about his parents fighting, my suggestion is try and keep it out of the eye of your children. One of my students this year told me about how his parents were fighting verbally and pyshically too. I was just shocked as I thought this family was tight. Yes a 4 year old doesn't always get everything right, but I know that I wouldn't want my 3 year old mentioning this to her teachers at school. The worst part was him telling me that he got hit with a shoe by his mom (who was trying to throw it at his dad). :(
omg, my parents are the same way and it sucks! a friend of mine said that his parents made a deal before they were born to fight in their room instead of in front of him and his brother. i think it helped their situation because it's not like his parents pretended to be perfect but it wasn't in front of him and his bro so they didn't get dragged into it.
I agree with those who say you should learn to fight clean and fair. Even trying to keep fighting to a minimum, eventually the kids will see one. But you guys should learn to fight well.
I babysit for a friend whose marriage is going through some hard times and it breaks my heart when their 4 year-old tells me things like "Mommy calls Daddy stupid" or "Daddy is angry a lot". Every time her parents treat each other badly, it's reinforcing the negative things she's learning about how to interact with and not respect other people. Then they wonder why she behaves disrespectfully to them! I'd say at minimum: no yelling, no name-calling, no bad mouthing the other parent in front of a child. Even their baby gets a sad/worried look when they fight.