Wednesday, 15 December 2010
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My Mom Needs Help...
While I realize this a site more about mothering, I'm not a mom myself, but I'm having issues with my mom, and I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I figured a new approach to the problem might yield better solutions.I am a seventeen year old girl, and believe me, I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with, especially for my mom. I'm sickly, and not mentally stable, and on top of that, my older sister is disabled, so I get that my mom has a lot on her plate. I try to be understanding of that.
But lately especially, my mom has been sort of out of control.
She's never been world's most pleasant person, but the past few months, maybe even the past year or so, she has been a downright bully. And I hate to say that about my mom, because I love her, I really, really do. There is just no nicer way to put it.
She'll prey on each family member's weaknesses when she gets mad, or has a bad day, which seems to be just about every bad day. And we're all that way every now and then, I understand. This is almost constant though. All I ever hear is how I'm fat, or lazy, or not smart enough, or ambitious enough, or I don't do anything right. I can recall times long ago when I got encouragement, or she'd tell me how she loved me, and huge me... but not anymore. She does this to my father as well. And occasionally, but less often, to my sister.
None of us are perhaps as perfect or as patient as we could be, me especially, so when I fight back to these comments, things escalate quite quickly in to horrible screaming matches that honestly just tear me up inside. Most of the time my main point is just for her to stop. More than anything, that's all I ever want out of these arguments, when I'm yelling, it's all just "STOP! STOP! PLEASE STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!" But it never stops, and the insults get more vicious.
I've had counseling in the past, and more than anything, I've been told to just walk away when I'm angry and in arguments like this, but she follows me and it continues. If I close a door, she'll open it, if I go in a room and lock a door, she will literally kick it down. Most of the locks in our house are broken anyway.
At this point, it can sometimes escalate to physical altercations of sorts even. Which is obviously terrible.
Either way, people end up hurt, either emotionally or physically, and I understand that this happens, but my mom instigates such arguments on almost a daily basis now. She never responds to anything with love or affection or anything. All I see from her lately is hatred and viciousness. And it hurts.
My grandmother says to try to deal with it because she's going through "the change of life", but can menopause really change a person so drastically?
Either way, it's become more than any of us can handle, and it's clear my mom needs some sort of professional help. If it is menopause, I know there are things that can be done to ease the symptoms, if it's something else, therapy could be great.
And note that I'm not trying to make my mom out as a bad person like you might expect any pissed off teenager to. She's not. I know underneath she's a great person. And this used to be out there for everyone to see, and now it's hidden underneath by whatever is causing this bitterness. I hate it.
My family and I have tried to persuade her to seek such help, but she won't budge. In fact, it often enrages her, no matter how softly we try to approach the subject. I've been in regular therapy for a while now, and I've oftentimes even brought her in to family sessions with my therapist to try and sort things out, but she lies about anything slightly incriminating, acts as if she's happy and perfect, and then scolds me severely for dragging her into that. I get the need to appear perfect to anyone on the outside, but we all have flaws, and I know it's hard, but I wish she could let her guard down and get to the root of this, because it's hurting us all so much.
I don't want to have to run off when I turn eighteen and sever my relationship with my mom because it's unhealthy, but now it seems that's what I'm looking at. It's a toxic relationship for me. And I cannot continue on with it if it will always cause more harm than good. I'm not that mentally stable, and I know I can't lay it all on her, but I can't count the number of times I've considered suicide just to escape this hell I'm living in.
It's the worst bullying I've ever had to deal with, and I CAN'T run home and cry to my mommy, because... my mom is the bully. And it kills me ten times more because those horrid words are coming from own my mother. I love her. But I cannot stand what she does to me.
So to all you moms out there, I'm posing this question to you... if you had a problem you maybe weren't even so aware of, what would your son or daughter have to say to convince you to get help for it?
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About the Author
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- From: AGreatPerhaps@xanga
- About Me: My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, or the most intricate analysis, and I am in my own proper atmosphere. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave for mental exaltation.
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Comments (15)
I got about 9/10's through your post and i had to stop. I know what you are going through, my dad was the same way... is the same way?
My story is a little different. My dad was nice to me and all until i got to the age where he could start comparing me to my sister - then it got ugly. I"m not good enough, smart enough, funny enough, not enough like "grace" (not her real name).
After my mom and grandpa passed away, i got busted for underage drinking and was court ordered to go to therapy. I told the lady EVERYTHING. What did she do? Brought my dad and sister into it. What did they do? Lie through their teeth... and she knew it. Because once they left the room i'd get so mad i'd break down and just sit there shaking saying how i hated them because they just lie. They don't want to help, they only care about themselves. Then she brought my boyfriend in one day, and he told her the same stories then turned to me and said "baby, they aren't ever going to change."
4 years later, my sister and i have no communications and I couldn't be happier. My dad and i speak daily but i lied to move out and move on. He's still a jerk,but seeing me walk away made him realize that he can't treat me how he does.. so he's working on it. Even with this, i know he'll never change.
I'm not saying your mom is the same way, but look out for yourself. Stand up for yourself and walk out of the house if you need to. Go on a walk, when she asks tell her you'll be back, you just need some air. Anyway, this is getting really long, my point is i hear ya. If you have any questions, hit up my blog and i'll respond right away, my number is even in there so if you wanna text you can. <3
@xXwhatsleftofyouXx@xanga - Yeah, even when I try to get out of the house, it's just not great. I don't know. It may be half that she's "looking out for me", but she's hurt me pretty bad when I've tried to leave the house in the midst of a fight. When I've managed to get out, she calls my grandparents who live five minutes away to come get me. She threatens to call the police more than anything these days, though, which if she does, I don't know what she'd say, but I know she would "win" that argument, because people tend to believe my mom over me... she's very charismatic and persuasive, and a teenager with a history of mental health issues is the last person law enforcement would ever trust to be telling the truth. =/
I don't know. There is also the fact I'm pretty sick physically. So chances of me being able to move out once I turn eighteen aren't great, since I'm too ill to be in normal school, or hold a job. And there aren't any signs of my doctors making any great breakthroughs.
It sort of feels like I'm stuck in a bad situation. I guess there is probably some way out, but I don't really see it, and it's not gonna be easy for sure. It's just tiring to try and figure this out. And to have to deal with all this.
Oh hun that just sounds horrible:/ It definitely does sound like bullying and sounds like she needs some help. I wish I had some helpful words for you.
I’m not a mental heath professional; but bullies are about dominance. She‘s making it hard to stay, but she won‘t let you leave. I won‘ say “if“--I‘ll say “when“. When you make the transition and get out on your own, you might surprise everyone who knows you; including yourself. Once out from under all that awful oppression, you may well sprout wings and soar.
Let me get real in-your-face. The last thing you need to worry about is keeping close ties with her. This woman is not about warm fuzzies. My kids are all older than you. They’re still with their mother, and I miss them like heck. When I see them, I’m not afraid to hug them like I did when they were toddlers. And they don’t mind--too much. My parents were good folk, but there wasn’t a lot of the warmth. And not until I grew up and got out did I see that sort of stuff in other families. So I’m in a strange fix. I both crave it and retreat from it.
You need someone to just mash the daylights out of you. Not in an abusive way, but a warm tender way. You should’ve gotten it long before now. It’s every child’s birthright. And how kids are supposed to get it when they live in a sitch like yours---that’s the million dollar question; and the tragedy.
Sometime such things happen horribly in family & sometime we are responsible for such things. But the matter is whatever it may be we love our mom & dad a lot then any body else in our life. So just try to be patient & try to understand the situation. If possible then go for mediation with mom & dad. this will help a lot.
Sounds to me like the breakdown of her heart needs to come from exactly what she's not expecting. It's totally not fair for you at all. But perhaps try to give her compliments daily. She'll probably respond with rude comments - but as long as she hears them she may think about them later. Tell her that her eyes are pretty today; or that shirt looks good on her.
Additionally - the other thing I thought of was writing her anonymous letters and MAIL them to her. Just letters of encouragement. Nothing personal. Make everything from the perspective of the outside. So you could say things like, "thinking of you as you raise and teach your daughters...." Send one every couple of weeks.
I am so sorry. I just posted yesterday about my mom, she is very similar to yours, it sounds like. I understand the conflicting feelings too, because she is sometimes so wonderful. I don't know what to do about mine either, but my family and I may be looking at some kind of intervention... but we know she will never speak to us again if we go through with it. I sincerely hope you can solve these problems... I know how it hurts to have a bullying mom who is out of touch with reality.
That's definitely emotional abuse. It's so much more insidious, but probably more damaging than physical abuse. I hope to God she sees what she's doing at some point, but until she can admit to herself that she's actually doing something wrong, there's not a whole lot you can do to help her. Please get out when you're old enough. She's not dead yet; you may yet be able to salvage the relationship in the future.
Mostly, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Major props on trying not to have a victim mentality.
oh wow I am so sorry you are going through this.
We hit a rough point of the teen years in our home too.. and I left. I spent 6 months at my best friend's place because I could not stand what was going on between my dad and brother.
It sounds like you need to get out of there, because whatever changes your mom is going through she is targeting you. Is there a way you could go stay with your grandparents or other family members or friends for a few months? Because you are still a minor I would even go to social services and see what they can do to help you out.
But seriously, you need to run.
You know what, When My marriage was still young I became verry abusive (Mostly verbal and emotional) with my wife and daughters.
My wife put up with it for the longest time because she was afraid if she left I would be mad and she would loose me forever (As abusive as I was She still loved me).
Finaly though she made a choice based on something I actualy taught her (and may be every one here has heard at one point in their lives because its actualy quite famouse but its not mine).
She made a choice between her love for me and her love for our children based on "If you love something, Let it go.
If it comes back it was yours all along, If it dont return, It just wasnt meant to remain with you"
She took our children and left.
Did I get angry? Yes I did BUT it forced me to look at myself and my actions.
I realized I had a problem and I went and got help.
Today we are back together and happier than ever.
It didnt happen over night and even when she first come back it took a while to trust me again but we made it.
Why?
Because she had the courage spured on by her love of us all and her desire for what was best to do what had to be done no mater what the outcome might be.
She was willing to loose me not just to save her and the children but also to save me and us.
I hope this helps, Be brave, Dont give up, Do what you must no mater the outcome.
you should talk to your therapist to find out if there are any programs to help you get out of the house and if there is funding available
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Is there any way you can just disengage? It sounds like you are an active participant in these screaming matches and I think she may lose interest if you absolutely refuse to participate. You could calmly say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, mom. I obviously disagree." I suggest this only because there is no way for you to make her change or even make her want to change. And of course when you are 18 you can set higher standards for what you are willing to put up with in your relationship with her.
Good luck, I hope you can find a solution.
My mom was very much the same way, but was physically abusive as well. So was my dad. Ask your grandparents if you can live with them when you turn 18. I moved in with my grandparents when I was 16.
As far as your mom calling the police if you leave the house-- let her. You can then calmly tell the officers what happened & let them take it from there. After a few times of her calling, they'll get the picture.
This is an excellent post in my opinion, other people might have different opinions who knows...
Everyone has their story here, and experience-based advice. Here's mine.
I'm not much older than you. 20 years old, and when I was 13 I got a step mother like this. My dad pretty much gave her run of my life while he dealt with other things, which was a job she neither wanted, nor was comfortable having. She got overbearing. Spiteful, intrusive. It was shocking.
There was never anything I could really do about that. It was probably the worst section of my life thus-far. I'm sure others would agree. I would rather re-do the first three months with the twins for 4 years, than live with her for another 4 years.
Anyway. I live in Texas, so "age 17" was a pretty gray area. There's a weird story with a cops and a getaway van, but the end is the important part. Now that I don't live with her, we get along a lot better. She can speak plainly to me, like an adult. My mistakes aren't her mistakes, and she's a lot nicer to me.
For now, strength. It sucks, it'll prolly suck worse than a lot of things, but know that when you're not her "child" anymore, things will get better.