Wednesday, 15 December 2010
While I realize this a site more about mothering, I'm not a mom myself, but I'm having issues with my mom, and I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I figured a new approach to the problem might yield better solutions.
I am a seventeen year old girl, and believe me, I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with, especially for my mom. I'm sickly, and not mentally stable, and on top of that, my older sister is disabled, so I get that my mom has a lot on her plate. I try to be understanding of that.
But lately especially, my mom has been sort of out of control.
She's never been world's most pleasant person, but the past few months, maybe even the past year or so, she has been a downright bully. And I hate to say that about my mom, because I love her, I really, really do. There is just no nicer way to put it.
She'll prey on each family member's weaknesses when she gets mad, or has a bad day, which seems to be just about every bad day. And we're all that way every now and then, I understand. This is almost constant though. All I ever hear is how I'm fat, or lazy, or not smart enough, or ambitious enough, or I don't do anything right. I can recall times long ago when I got encouragement, or she'd tell me how she loved me, and huge me... but not anymore. She does this to my father as well. And occasionally, but less often, to my sister.
None of us are perhaps as perfect or as patient as we could be, me especially, so when I fight back to these comments, things escalate quite quickly in to horrible screaming matches that honestly just tear me up inside. Most of the time my main point is just for her to stop. More than anything, that's all I ever want out of these arguments, when I'm yelling, it's all just "STOP! STOP! PLEASE STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!" But it never stops, and the insults get more vicious.
I've had counseling in the past, and more than anything, I've been told to just walk away when I'm angry and in arguments like this, but she follows me and it continues. If I close a door, she'll open it, if I go in a room and lock a door, she will literally kick it down. Most of the locks in our house are broken anyway.
At this point, it can sometimes escalate to physical altercations of sorts even. Which is obviously terrible.
Either way, people end up hurt, either emotionally or physically, and I understand that this happens, but my mom instigates such arguments on almost a daily basis now. She never responds to anything with love or affection or anything. All I see from her lately is hatred and viciousness. And it hurts.
My grandmother says to try to deal with it because she's going through "the change of life", but can menopause really change a person so drastically?
Either way, it's become more than any of us can handle, and it's clear my mom needs some sort of professional help. If it is menopause, I know there are things that can be done to ease the symptoms, if it's something else, therapy could be great.
And note that I'm not trying to make my mom out as a bad person like you might expect any pissed off teenager to. She's not. I know underneath she's a great person. And this used to be out there for everyone to see, and now it's hidden underneath by whatever is causing this bitterness. I hate it.
My family and I have tried to persuade her to seek such help, but she won't budge. In fact, it often enrages her, no matter how softly we try to approach the subject. I've been in regular therapy for a while now, and I've oftentimes even brought her in to family sessions with my therapist to try and sort things out, but she lies about anything slightly incriminating, acts as if she's happy and perfect, and then scolds me severely for dragging her into that. I get the need to appear perfect to anyone on the outside, but we all have flaws, and I know it's hard, but I wish she could let her guard down and get to the root of this, because it's hurting us all so much.
I don't want to have to run off when I turn eighteen and sever my relationship with my mom because it's unhealthy, but now it seems that's what I'm looking at. It's a toxic relationship for me. And I cannot continue on with it if it will always cause more harm than good. I'm not that mentally stable, and I know I can't lay it all on her, but I can't count the number of times I've considered suicide just to escape this hell I'm living in.
It's the worst bullying I've ever had to deal with, and I CAN'T run home and cry to my mommy, because... my mom is the bully. And it kills me ten times more because those horrid words are coming from own my mother. I love her. But I cannot stand what she does to me.
So to all you moms out there, I'm posing this question to you... if you had a problem you maybe weren't even so aware of, what would your son or daughter have to say to convince you to get help for it?