In advance, I would like to apologize anyone whose feelings I may have hurt while writing and publishing this blog post. I am not speaking from anyone's point of view except my own. I do not know everyone out there and I am not aware of all instances of divorce.
I am writing this, because I am surprised by the reactions of many people out there when a married couple with children is getting a divorce. Everyone is pounding, ringing the bell: "divorce is the worst tragedy for children!"
Well, you want to know something? I prayed for my parents divorce for 20 years of my life. My parents' marriage was and is not the worst out there (no alcohol or drug abuse), but its functionality was significantly flawed. Since I can remember, my parents argued... I think I was 5 or 6 when I had a plate fly right above my head and break against the wall. I also remember sitting on the stairs, crying so hard that my kidneys hurt -out of fear that my Dad would end up killing my Mom (my Dad has permission to own and carry a gun).
There were threats of divorce for years...and they always made me HOPEFUL.
I wanted my Mom to divorce my Dad, take me and just move out anywhere. I was sick and tired of them yelling, and because I was so young I had no where to go, no where to hide.
The moment of rescue arrived when I went abroad for 5 years. I was 18 then. Finally, I was far away from all the drama and I could focus on my own life, however the news kept on arriving either way. Things were getting worse and worse back home.
A sudden change happened during the Summer of 2008. I fell ill, and I ended up in the hospital for the first time in my entire life. Even from this horrible event, something good happened - my parents realized that they could have really lost me. Something transformed in both of them, as if they noticed that they need to stop all of those fights to give me a faster and a better chance for recovery.
It has been 2 years since then, and I can really say things between my parents improved. There are no more items flying in the air, dramatic episodes when my mom would be yelling her heart out and crying because she felt betrayed or hurt by my dad.
Today, my dad says that he did not want a divorce, because of me, because he wanted to have a family. I think he followed through with this toxic marriage for some other reasons. Their dysfunctional "relationship" took a pretty big chunk of my childhood and adolescence. It drained me emotionally...
Right now I am unable to say if they have done the right thing or not, if they should have divorced at one point or another. I am unable to say how things would have turned out then. If they would get married again to other people, if I would end up having half-brothers or half-sisters...?
All I know is that I do not want to have a marriage where my kids would suffer like I did. It was unconscious torture that was performed on me by my parents.
It is so important to know when you can no longer save something, when it is destroying someone else, when it is time to simply walk away.
Do not be selfish. Do not hurt other people over and over again. Prove to yourself that you are not an egoistic sociopath...and last but not the least, do not take a chance for a happy, peaceful childhood from your children.
What has your experience with divorce been like? Do you think in some cases divorce is a better choice than staying married?
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Comments (119)
For years I wanted my parents to get a divorce too and finally a couple months ago they decided that they were going to and it was the most heartbreaking thing ever. Even though I always 'expected' it, I was still devastated when they actually decided to.
It's not always the fight directly that is hard on the kids -- my kids are WAY better off and we never fought in front of them, but because of all the BS I had to put up with, I was stressed and depressed and a horrible parent. I am a much better parent and person in general without him, and I can see the change in my kids in a positive way with him gone.
yeah i dont see why people make such a big deal about divorce either, it happens. it's not the worst thing to happen, yeah it can be sad if it's completley unexpected but my parents have been divorced since i was 2 and i can honestly say that it was for the better, i dont even see how they were together 8 years .. they have completley different personalities.
@midge4ever@xanga - I see where you are coming from, but my mother is just about the best Christian you can find, and my dad walked out on her and filed for divorce and there is nothing she could have done about it (my dad is a lawyer). My mother didn't want a divorce. Divorce is not a choice in many cases- it takes two people to marry, one to file the papers to end it. I just had to say that. I'm sorry.
@midge4ever@xanga -
"I also know that God does not teach lightly on divorce. He says that the only case where divorce is ok to think about is when there is adultery involved and even then it should be the last resort, and you should try everything in your power to save the marriage."
So definitely don't get divorced if your spouse is beating on you or your children, to God that's sinful. ONLY get divorced if your spouse cheated on you, that's the only time it's acceptable.
You don't see anything wrong with that picture?
I do agree that sometimes a divorce is healthier for children than parents staying together. I think that if parents can't act like functional adults around each other, it is toxic for children to witness. One of the ways children learn to be adults, have relationships as adults is from watching their parents. Sometimes it may mean their parents have to get a divorce and work things out that way.
@TheBillion@xanga - There are circumstances in which divorce is allowable. I'm pretty sure abuse qualifies. In fact, I'm thinking that abuse & infidelity are the only reasons.
I can completely get behind the idea of trying to make your marriage work in almost any circumstances. I think if both people are REALLY trying, they can decide to be kind to & considerate of one another. I never promised to be head over heels in love with my husband forever. I promised actions: to stay, to be respectful, to be faithful. Those things aren't about how I feel at any given time. A lifetime of love isn't about emotions, it's about the decisions we make every day to commit to our life together. It does take that level of commitment from both people, though. And most people don't commit like that anymore. They go in knowing that divorce is always an option of they change their mind or someone else comes along.
My parents are still together (though my mother is a bit emotional and sometimes likes to throw out the D-word, but really, she is just being dramatic. I know because I'm just like her haha). But I know how my friends felt when their parents split. My best friend was miserable because her dad cheated on her mom with a women she knew well and liked a lot. Her parents had a really vicious divorce. Then you have my friend whose parents still got along and she seemed to be dealing with it alright.
I also know, vaguely, how bad divorce was on my parents when their parents split. But again, my dad's parents split because of infidelity (and she married the guy, my "pop-pop"). Makes inviting all the grandparents somewhere super awkward. I don't even know my mom's dad, he just doesn't give a shit about her, sadly.
I totally feel you. My parents fight and quarrel almost everyday when I was young and my dad vent it out by beating me and my brother using anything that he could find, sometimes he would just use his fist or slaps on us. I was once admitted to hospital because he had beat me up so badly that I got KO on the floor. Things only sort of gets better after my parents separated and I moved out to stay alone at the age of 18.
I always feel that if my mum had chose to divorce my dad since my brother and I were young we would have a way better childhood than now.
"Right now I am unable to say if they have done the right thing or not"
It's not your place to say if what they are doing or will do is right or not.
They are adults.
You are an adult.
Accept. Learn. Move On.
I know how that is. My parents are pretty fucked up, and there are times when I feel like we would all be better off as a family if they got divorced, or if I got emancipated.
@kristinabean@xanga - I disagree.
When I divorced my ex, it was for my CHILD not me. I did not want him growing up in a home where his parents resented each other, his dad was an alcohol and drug addict that refused help, and was going from home to home or even homeless because they couldn't afford the bills. And his dad stole money from people (including his own wife), and not even to cover the bills he blew his paychecks on but for more drugs, alcohol, and CDs (the kind that play music...not investments).
If both parties aren't trying to make it work, what is the point? You can't force someone to do what you want them to.
Also, if a couple is no longer in love with each other, and they're making each other miserable AND any potential children..why should they stay together?
When you have children its no longer about you or what makes you happy in my opinion...and that comes down to marriages too. I mean its one thing if they don't like they other parent or a step parent/potential step parent.... but its another if that parent/step/etc is affecting their wellbeing. Whether its abuse (physically, mental, sexual, etc), constant arguing, addiction, etc
Until your child(ren) is grown and on their own, it should be about THEIR wellbeing not keeping up a front for a marriage so that people don't think you're a horrible sinner for divorcing.
I also don't think someone needs a "good" reason to divorce, nor to they have to justify why they divorced. That is between them and their spouse.
@prettynpink628@xanga - Was your dad a Christian too? The same thing happened to my uncle. He's a Christian. She was not. She ended up heading in the path of sin and filing for divorce. He wanted nothing to do with this. He did everything in his power to try and save the marriage. But saving a marriage isn't what unbelievers think about. All they want is their own way. And they will do whatever they can to make sure they get their way. But that doesn't make it right. Divorce is wrong.
And I don't really like the saying she was "just about the best Christian you can find." I'm definitely not saying that your mom wasn't a "good" person. But good and best are worldly terms. God says that there is no one who is righteous on this earth. He says that what we think may be the best works are comparable to used Feminine products (if you know what I mean). But this is because we are all sinners and we all have selfish reason behind doing good deeds, even if we don't think we do. God knows our hearts.
And I do agree with you partly on the fact that Divorce is not a choice. It is a choice for the one who is filing for it, but not for the one who doesn't want it.
@TheBillion@xanga - I see everything wrong with that picture. I said God blesses those that do his will. Does a man beating his children and wife sound like a man that's doing God's will? I don't think so. He's already headed down a path of sin, which is causing his wife to sin by wanting a divorce. Read between the lines next time you make a comment like that. I am by no means an advocate for domestic violence or ANY kind of abuse.
@RainDropPixie@xanga - I meant according to the Bible.
I also said that BOTH people have to be committed to that degree. If one isn't, as he clearly wasn't, then it won't work. It seems that your ex made the decision not to be a husband and a father first, and you made the right decision as a parent to leave him in that situation. It sounds like he WAS abusive to you & to your kids.
Also, you said: "Until your child(ren) is grown and on their own, it should be about THEIR wellbeing not keeping up a front for a marriage so that people don't think you're a horrible sinner for divorcing."
Maintaining our marriage IS about the well-being of our children. Our commitment is to each do the things individually that make a happy home. It's not about what we WANT at a given moment, or how other people view us. It's about creating a stable environment so our children can grow up to be well-adjusted, functional members of society. That means that if one of us were to begin to choose alcohol, drugs & theft over the happiness and well-being of our children, that would be neglect & abuse. My husband & I get up each day & commit to doing the right things for our family. Period. If one of us wasn't that committed, it wouldn't work.
@kristinabean@xanga - I don't doubt that (about your marriage), I just meant people in general.
I encounter way to many people keeping together a bad marriage (whether its abuse or they're just really miserable) for the sake of Religion or the sake of "being perfect". It sickens me, especially when children are involved.
@midge4ever@xanga - I hope you practice what you preach.
Hope you don't wear polyblend, or denim with a cotton shirt. Hope you don't shave or cut your hair.
Go ahead and kill anyone who is not of your belief too...because the Bible says to do that.
Now, if you're going to go ahead and say that all of those are the Old Testament, and I believe the passage in which your referring to is in Matthew....
I do believe that somewhere in the New Testament, the dude who said that you shouldn't divorce except for adultery...also was like crucified or something. I think its said that he died for ALL our sins....which includes lying, divorce, and even murder.
So....while divorcing may be a sin...so is telling your sister that the dress didn't make her butt look big when it did.
A sin is a sin is a sin.
@midge4ever@xanga - What about in the case where the husband is constantly cheating, beating his wife and his kids? I had a friend who got gonorrhea from her cheating husband. He abused her emotionally and physically. He gave her 2 year old daughter beer for lunch and didn't feed the child...should they stay in that situation?
Is divorce wrong even when the husband could potentially kill the wife and child?
Seeing things in such a black and white world just seems is ridiculous to me.
@RainDropPixie@xanga - Then I'm with you wholeheartedly. I view subjecting your children (not yours... just anyone's) to that kind of situation as out-and-out emotional abuse. If it gets to that point, I'm all for ending it.
@RainDropPixie@xanga - Thank you!
Divorce is such a hard subject. It's hard to go through, it's hard to stay. I think that most people could resolve their problems without such fighting, just that some don't have the resources to get counseling or help. Or their need to be right or heard overwhelms their reason. In the case of physical violence or sexual abuse, you gotta get out. In the case of chronic cheating, I'd get out of that too.
At least you know what you don't want for your life or how you want to raise your children. Since you haven't had a good model of what a healthy marriage is like, it might be a good idea to go to marriage counseling before you tie the knot. I grew up in a bad atmosphere too (not the worst, but not the best) and so much of what I swore I wouldn't do, when I was married or have kids, I did!! It's a struggle to have a healthy relationship, especially when you marry someone who doesn't know how to have a good one either.
Be careful and I hope the best for all your future relationships!
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - Its a personal pet peeve of mine. When it comes to "the Bible says..." stuff.
I am an all or nothing type... I don't believe you can pick and choose.
@RainDropPixie@xanga - And when did I tell you that I told my sister she looks good in a dress that she doesn't? Truth is, I don't do that. I'm not about to spare my sister being hurt by me to in the end be hurt by a bunch of people and will end up being hurt by me as well because I didn't have the guts to tell her that her dress looks awful. Yea. that's really nice isn't it?
And just because a sin is a sin is a sin, that doesn't mean we have a right to go out and sin constantly. We need to constantly be conscious of our actions and make sure that when we stands before God on judgement day and say that we actually tried to live a life that would be pleasing to you. I frankly don't believe that a person who says, "Oh, God sent his son to die for me? To save me from my sins? That means I can just go out and do whatever I want because he will forgive me in the end." are not the words of a true Christian. They aren't. My words may be harsh. But they come from God's Word. I take you to the book of James. James 2:14-26 "Faith and Deeds14
What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them?
15Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food.
16If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?
17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
20 You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless]"="">[d]? 21Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,”]"="">[e] and he was called God’s friend. 24 You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.
25 In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction?26 As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
I hope this may shed some light on this subject. Read it. And if you have any questions. I'm right here. I'm not saying that I WILL have all the answers. But, God does.
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - I have a feeling you didn't read my whole comment. Also I'll just ask you to read the reply to @TheBillion@xanga 's Comment. She pretty much posed the same question that you just did. I'll just paste my reply here so it's easier for you to find.
Her comment: "I also know that God does not teach lightly on divorce. He says that the only case where divorce is ok to think about is when there is adultery involved and even then it should be the last resort, and you should try everything in your power to save the marriage."
So definitely don't get divorced if your spouse is beating on you or your children, to God that's sinful. ONLY get divorced if your spouse cheated on you, that's the only time it's acceptable.
You don't see anything wrong with that picture?
My reply: I see everything wrong with that picture. I said God blesses those that do his will. Does a man beating his children and wife sound like a man that's doing God's will? I don't think so. He's already headed down a path of sin, which is causing his wife to sin by wanting a divorce. Read between the lines next time you make a comment like that. I am by no means an advocate for domestic violence or ANY kind of abuse.
@midge4ever@xanga - If all you say is right, then kindly explain the high divorce rate amongst Christians in the United States. This isn't supposed to be a religious discussion, this is supposed to be a discussion on how divorce proceedings and incompatible parents can harm children. Don't proselytize. It's rude.