In advance, I would like to apologize anyone whose feelings I may have hurt while writing and publishing this blog post. I am not speaking from anyone's point of view except my own. I do not know everyone out there and I am not aware of all instances of divorce.
I am writing this, because I am surprised by the reactions of many people out there when a married couple with children is getting a divorce. Everyone is pounding, ringing the bell: "divorce is the worst tragedy for children!"
Well, you want to know something? I prayed for my parents divorce for 20 years of my life. My parents' marriage was and is not the worst out there (no alcohol or drug abuse), but its functionality was significantly flawed. Since I can remember, my parents argued... I think I was 5 or 6 when I had a plate fly right above my head and break against the wall. I also remember sitting on the stairs, crying so hard that my kidneys hurt -out of fear that my Dad would end up killing my Mom (my Dad has permission to own and carry a gun).
There were threats of divorce for years...and they always made me HOPEFUL.
I wanted my Mom to divorce my Dad, take me and just move out anywhere. I was sick and tired of them yelling, and because I was so young I had no where to go, no where to hide.
The moment of rescue arrived when I went abroad for 5 years. I was 18 then. Finally, I was far away from all the drama and I could focus on my own life, however the news kept on arriving either way. Things were getting worse and worse back home.
A sudden change happened during the Summer of 2008. I fell ill, and I ended up in the hospital for the first time in my entire life. Even from this horrible event, something good happened - my parents realized that they could have really lost me. Something transformed in both of them, as if they noticed that they need to stop all of those fights to give me a faster and a better chance for recovery.
It has been 2 years since then, and I can really say things between my parents improved. There are no more items flying in the air, dramatic episodes when my mom would be yelling her heart out and crying because she felt betrayed or hurt by my dad.
Today, my dad says that he did not want a divorce, because of me, because he wanted to have a family. I think he followed through with this toxic marriage for some other reasons. Their dysfunctional "relationship" took a pretty big chunk of my childhood and adolescence. It drained me emotionally...
Right now I am unable to say if they have done the right thing or not, if they should have divorced at one point or another. I am unable to say how things would have turned out then. If they would get married again to other people, if I would end up having half-brothers or half-sisters...?
All I know is that I do not want to have a marriage where my kids would suffer like I did. It was unconscious torture that was performed on me by my parents.
It is so important to know when you can no longer save something, when it is destroying someone else, when it is time to simply walk away.
Do not be selfish. Do not hurt other people over and over again. Prove to yourself that you are not an egoistic sociopath...and last but not the least, do not take a chance for a happy, peaceful childhood from your children.
What has your experience with divorce been like? Do you think in some cases divorce is a better choice than staying married?
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Comments (119)
i wouldn't know from personal experience, but i do know that it's the fighting that causes trauma for the children of divorce, not the divorce itself. =/
I felt the same as you did. Same crying until I hurt inside. Except my dad did drink and he was a vicious drunk. He was vicious sober too. He broke my mothers bones and once tried to strangle my brother.
They started divorce proceedings a few months ago and I hate it. It was bad when we lived together, but it's bad now too. I don't lie awake at night hearing shouting and screams but now there are constant money problems and our standard of living has gone way down.
My dad still lives the high life and we scrape by.
I was like you. I thought divorce would solve everything, and somehow nothing would change except the fact that my dad lived with us, but in reality, he's kept the big family home and we're off to one side. Money might not be everything, but you don't realise how much it is until it's not there anymore. Times were bad then, but there were more good times than bad (okay, the bad did outweigh the good,) and he still has the hold over her. It's not really a solution, either way.
Your parents haven't done the wrong thing, they've done the perfect thing. They've changed.
My parents got divorced when I was like six or so and it was never a source of issue for me. They were miserable together and after they got divorced, things were so much better. They were very good about keeping us kids out of the nasty parts of divorce so none of us were negatively affected by it. @AznGuppy88@xanga is right on the money - the divorce itself isn't usually the problem, it's the way the parents handle it that can break a child down. If parents act like it's a huge deal and everything is going to be drastically different, of course the kid is going to wig out. My parents just calmly explained it to us and didn't present it as some big dramatic deal and none of us really cared, we were happy they weren't going to be arguing anymore lol.
Absolutely. My dad was the biggest jerk around. He was abusive in many ways to, not only me and my sister, but also to my mom. He made some serious threats about killing us, if she left him. Anyway, had she left him... we would have all been better off. That said, I don't hold her accountable for everything that happened. She was just doing the best she could. But, there were days where I just hated all the yelling and stuff. My dad wasn't much of a dad anyway. So, not having him around would have been a more positive experience.
My own parents split up when I was less than a year old. I know that I don't have the perfect marriage, but we do love each other & we don't FIGHT, especially in front of our kids. If an argument starts to get out of hand, one of us will pretty much always have the sense to walk away & we'll pick it up later. When we've calmed down & are alone. I grew up with fighting anyway. Not in my dad's home, but always in my mother's. Whether it was she & a boyfriend, or my mom & my brother, or my brother & one of my mom's boyfriends... The dysfunctional behavior was still there. It just transferred from one relationship to many others. So... sometimes divorce is the right thing for your children, but sometimes it isn't. I know it's not even an option in our marriage... we decided before we got married that we would work through whatever life throws at us. (And we knew each other well enough before marrying to know that there was nothing we can't get through.) It all depends on your priorities. If you put making a happy home for your children FIRST, only you can know if divorcing is the way to achieve that in your individual family.
My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 after that I had to deal with so much crap that growing up I felt like my dad should've been there to protect me from. Being molested, an abusive step father. At 25 I have just recently forgiven him for not being there and being the dad he should've been. I think too many parents just give up. They say they want to stay together for the children, but put their selfishness before their children. If they really wanted to stay together for the children they'd get help and work on their own flaws.
This is very interesting because one of my best friends and I were talking about this today. I come from a very stable home (which is total luck, btw--I'm adopted and my biological parents divorced nastily 10 years ago), and her mom has been divorced 3 or 4 times. At any rate, she was telling me how she hates when people say they are "staying together for the kids" because that is a much greater disservice to the kids. Would you rather split, explain to them that sometimes things dont work out, and have them alternate whose house they're at, OR have them witness fighting, screaming, yelling, etc every day, and hear it called "love" and "marriage" and grow up thinking that's how it's supposed to be? I mean it's one thing if you really truly genuinely try to work things out but how often does that really happen? Usually "working things out" lasts a day or a week and then it's right back to the way it used to be. And I'm not saying every single kid that goes through either experience is going to be perfectly fine or totally screwed up either way, I"m just saying, I think it does less good for everyone involved to stay in a failing marriage.
Either way you're going to hurt them, but the best thing you can do when a marriage isn't working--for the kids, for you, for your spouse--is to get out. Nice post!
I don't agree with Divorce. At all. Even in situations like this.
Although I do know that God says he will bless those that do his will. That means I won't have to worry about an unbearable marriage. I'm not saying that My husband and I won't have issues. I'm sure we will, I know we will. But, I also know that marriage takes hard work and is not a job for the weak-willed person.
I also know that God does not teach lightly on divorce. He says that the only case where divorce is ok to think about is when there is adultery involved and even then it should be the last resort, and you should try everything in your power to save the marriage.
I know this issue is a tough one to think about, especially when children are in the picture, but it's also not something that should be taken lightly. And I know it's confusing why I would say the things I say, especially to those that don't understand, read, or want to understand the Bible. That does NOT mean that the Bible isn't right though. It is. Ultimately right.
I really appreciate your thought & can say divorce not only make a mar but sometime create so much negativeness that can't be handle sometime.
my parents did get divorced when I was 4, and even though I took it hard then, as I got older I realized how messed up things would have been if they had stayed together. Now I literally thank my parents for getting divorced when they did, because everyone gets along so much better.
Divorcee between parents puts stress on children. It makes them rigid and rude.
I'm with you--I grew up in a household with very angry parents and I told my mom to divorce my father when I was 10 years old, then stayed mad at her for a long time because she didn't.
They stayed together, but it was no good for my brothers and I. My older brother is antisocial and has very violent tendencies. My younger brother has had a criminal record since he was 13 and even now, at 19, is still fleeing felony warrants. I was so depressed at 16 that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.I'm better now, but my parents aren't. No one else in my family has made any progress... at least divorce would be a step towards moving on in their lives.I have never had to deal with parents that had frequent bitter fights, thankfully, but I have had friends who had, and every single one of them was grateful that their parents split when they did. Being able to know who their parents were as individuals, rather than as a couple bound together in a bitter relationship, was infinitely better. Plus, children aren't dumb- they'll know if their parents are staying together "for the kids" and they're going to feel guilty for it. If you're unhappy and you can't get it together- get out.
I grew up with divorced parents from age 5 and quite honestly. I'm glad. Them living together would have been horrible. I remember being 4 years old and hiding in corners in my bedroom singing to myself, clung to my brothers as they battled. It's awful. Sure it was hard having two homes and having step parents. But if you have to choose.
My brother and sister in law are in the middle of a "separation" to see if they should get divorced. One day my sister in law comes into my apartment sobbing. My 5 year old niece on her hip. I take my niece out to finish baking cookies as my sister in law talks to my mom who ironically happened to be here too. 3 minutes into her hysteria my little niece yells across the dining room. "Mommy the end is the end!" Her mom responds. "The end of what?" "The end of you and daddy living together. You don't have to stay for me". No one took it seriously. Like what a five year old said had no value. Or maybe they didn't hear her clearly. But she came up with that all by herself, so that's what she wants. If you want to make her happy, listen.
I think staying in an abusive marriage is far more damaging to children than a divorce can be. If the husband is abusive it teaches the boys that it is okay to treat women that way and teaches the girls that they shouldn't worry if they are treated that way. I didn't always believe in divorce at all, except for adultery and physical abuse. But I've since learned that psychological abuse is just as bad, if not worse. Nobody should live their life scared of that their spouse will harm them, nor should the children worry that one parent will harm the other. (I apologize but all abusive marriages I've seen are the men abusing their wives.)
My dad was abusive towards my mom and I wished for so long that they'd get a divorce. Unfortunately they were doing the whole "stay together for the kids" thing.. It was BS because I came out more fucked up because of all the abuse.
I spent my entire childhood wishing my parents would get a divorce. When it finally happened I was happy. Granted we've had it very rough financially since then, but we're happier. It was torture listening to the fighting and the hate. The yelling and the arguing over petty things that turned into all out wars. My Mother is happier now. I am grateful for that.
I don't agree with Divorce. At all. Even in situations like this. So excuse me.
I can't say my growing up was similar, nor would I want to. With my siblings joining in and physical fights actually breaking out, it was also the experience of having children fighting parents. After many major events, (financially, me hitting puberty, but my dad still with years of experience on me) we've honestly become more normalized. My little sister doesn't have to go through the same experiences. She's probably only had one or two times to remember my mom shouting divorce. I liked my dad more than my mom, but I think had they gone through it, I would have moved with her instead.
Considering the relative tameness of our lives, it was worth it overall. My little sister gets to have two parents she can talk with normally while the rest of us kind of stay out of each others' businesses enough to keep it civil. It's much different from before, but still having memories of why I don't like my older siblings that much, or my mom and dad, aren't great to think about. I'd like to have a family, but I'd be too worried I might be somewhat in your dad's position. Or I might end up marrying a loose cannon like my own mother.
My ex from two years ago didn't understand why I didn't like my family that much. She knew it was something I was still dealing with at the time, but her own family was really caring and loving. In a sense, the events that took place somewhat shape my own opinions on relationships and make me worry a little too much, but I've also learned to accept a lot. Not just in myself, but in others. It takes at least two people to create a failed relationship.
Divorce has a very bad effect on children. It increases their mental pressure. Sometimes it forced them to take anti-social work.
my parents divorced when i was 6 and a bit and i still remmeber almost everything, for the people that say the children end up being rude or what ever, ur are more than completely wrong.
i am one of those children and im perfectly fine, so dont say things u dont know for a fact, because ur the one getting embarrassed with false information!
im happy with the way things turned out, as as the child gets older, they understand things better and realise it was for the best! being 17 now, im all good with how my parents are, they are both happy and thats how i want to see them.
@home security systems - Not true. It doesn't affect everyone the same. I turned out quite fine and I bet many other did too.
@weight-loss - Not really. I was smart and old enough to understand that their marriage wasn't working and it was making us miserable. If parents get divorced when their children are quite young then they won't remember it. It's only when you have the experience that we children had, listening to our parents argue and threaten and hurt each other for hours then you realize it wasn't doing us any good. It was only making our lives more miserable and adding more stress to it. Yes, divorce processes can be insane but most good parents keep their children out of the proceedings. I didn't even know much about my parent's divorce process when I was younger, even at 12. I found the documents much later in life. Luckily, we didn't have much problem afterwards.
@midge4ever@xanga - It's fine if you don't. All opinion is all subjective. Though god sees marriage as something serious and it's not taken seriously anymore by anyone. So why should divorce be any difference? Though I genuinely believe if one is unhappy and one doesn't t love that person anymore..and if it's making everyone miserable..then one should get a divorce. I'm a Christian but I don't think god would be mad if one got a divorce for that reason. I don't think he would want his creation to be unhappy especially when it's not accomplishing nothing. And my 2nd father was quite the god fearing man, a more devout Christian than me in the beginning and I don't think he ever mentioned it would be completely wrong to get a divorce from those reasons. But to make sure, I'd ask my pastor. I'm sure he would know truly. But hey, that's just my opinion and my personal belief. You have yours and I have mine..@AznGuppy88@xanga - I quite agree with that. It's the proceedings that usually fuck up the child not the divorce itself. People seem to forget that. Luckily, my parents didn't include my brother or myself in their proceedings. I never knew the exact detail of them until much later when I found the documents about the proceedings.
To OP:
My parents divorced when I was around 12 or so. I was happy to have it ended because it was so bad. My parents married for the wrong reasons(because of my mom getting pregnant with my mother) and they fought horribly. Of course, my father was from a third world country and had different ideas about treating women(abuse) and my mother didn't like that nor being at home all the time. They just constantly fought and one time, my mother went to jail because of how bad a fight become. To me, it was so much better when they divorced, it made my life easier and my mother could break free and grow as a person. She even learnt how to drive and even became independent. Their marriage was a sham and I'm glad it's over. No one was really happy and staying in their marriage did no help.
The best thing my mother did was freeing herself and putting herself first and not staying in a marriage that was already dead, not for us, her children sake. I'm still proud of her of doing that even now. She's much happier now and so are us, kids. It's always good to get out a marriage then stay if it's making everyone miserable.
My religion does not allow divorce. But it does allow for separation, and in bad situations, even the most devout person can walk out the door for the sake of themselves and the children. And it is best.
Yeah- totally agree that it's witnessing the fighting and dysfunction that is most destructive. My mom has told me that I was 5 years old and telling her to leave my dad lol. Hearing/seeing major conflict as a child is extremely painful. Staying in a marriage for the wrong reasons just hurts everyone. The children can't have peace of mind unless the parents do first. Happy parents= happier children- even if it means you're not together.
Here the main reason of causing all scene is not to sure about the understanding between the parents. It happens as children's are more closer to mother in comparison to father. So all they want is peace.