Sunday, 12 December 2010
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Is There A Secret To Motivating My Teenager?
My son just handed me his report card last night. I looked it over briefly. Then I had to make a decision: to say what was on my mind or to alter the content therein and extrapolate only the positive words.
His grades are not bad. In fact, I'm sure some mothers could only wish their child got grades like his. On the other hand, I've also heard of children who would be grounded for weeks and subject to tutoring for the next seventy or so years.
So, which avenue to choose? When you know that your child is doing the bare minimum to get decent grades, it seems to me that something should be said. When you know he's not living up to his potential, what constitutes constructive criticism and where is the line that, when crossed, decreases motivation?
Motivation and organization are definitely not his strong points. As parents, we have employed every method we know how to help with these issues, but to no sustained avail.
Many parents say that their child is brilliant, so I hesitate to go that route, but this child of mine is different than most kids I've met in my lifetime. He's a walking encyclopedia with a fact to contribute to almost any conversation. But he only contributes a conversation when he feels personally compelled to do so.
He's motivated primarily by his own personal interests. That to say, if he's not interested, he's not motivated. If he's "forced", there is backlash.
Contrast this with my daughters, one older and one younger than him, who are extremely self-motivated, even in classes that they hate. They are also more socially aware and comply with generally accepted social rules. I know the golden rule that you aren't supposed to compare your children, but here there really is no comparison.
I understand how to motivate the girls because I understand their personalities, as different as they are from each other and from me. But I don't understand how to approach my son on the subject of his apparent lack of motivation.
The problem comes when, what should be an easy "A" in an easy class, is a low B or C because the teacher is boring or the subject matter is not to my son's liking.
Actually, getting him to go to bed on time and wake up on time are equally as difficult. He just doesn't see the value in it and so he passively refuses to comply.
I also understand that boys go through a bit of a "funk" at a certain age. I don't want to make a bigger deal of it than I should if it's just a phase, but how do you gauge what is a phase and what is an innate problem? How do you know what to ignore and what to act on?
I could really use some advice on how to deal with this. What has worked for you in motivating and un-motivatable child? When do I say something and when do I keep my mouth shut?
WHERE IS THE INSTRUCTION BOOK WHEN I NEED IT!?
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About the Author
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- From: chelleannette@xanga
- About Me: I'm an almost 40 mother of three teenagers, two crazy fat dogs and one husband. I live in and love New York City. In the last five years or so I've taken up French, shooting for eventual fluency and possibly picking up one day with the man after the kids are gone and moving it all to France. I also learned how to play tennis in the last few years and have, consequently become obsessed with the sport and acquired the delusion of playing on the WTA seniors tour or in a grand slam (Watch out Serena!) Living passionately, I want to see, smell, taste and feel the world through relationships, travel, food and whatever else life throws at me. Still waiting to discover what I want to be when I grow up!
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Comments (47)
I have two books to reccomend.
Have a New Kid By Friday and The Birth Order Book.
Both are by Dr K Leman. And both deal with the issues you are facing.
Good luck.
I found that I was more motivated when I knew what I wanted. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I had to do to get there, so I worked hard to make sure I got it.
When my brother went through that sort of phase, his doctor recommended that my mom let him accept the natural consequences of his choices. Set his alarm, but don't drag him out of bed if he ignores it. Let him deal with what comes as a result of his lack of motivation...poor grades? Determine, from communication with his teachers, what level of effort he's putting forth. If he chooses not to apply himself, let him know that his less-than-stellar grades will limit his options in the next school year, in college acceptance, and ultimately in his options for the rest of his life. Once he's aware of the consequences, the idea is to let him deal with them himself. That would be really hard for me, as I'm sure it would be for any parent. But that's just one idea.
@kristinabean@xanga - what she said. motivation is something you have to learn for yourself. he will have to deal with his lack of motivation in some form or the other one day. he also needs to learn that there are going to be many things in life that you have to do whether you like them or not (you know the R [responsibility] word).
Girls are so different than boys and on completely different levels when they're teenagers.
I think the worst thing you can do is pressure him. I agree with letting life do it's thing to teach him consequences.
If he's not doing that well in school and he wants you to buy him something expensive like a game or phone, you don't have to do it. It can always be used as a reward instead of an obligation you have to fulfill because you're his parent.
Of course, I'm going off my own experience of being a teenager. I'm kind of scared of when my two hit that age group.
Boy and girls are completely different in their levels when they're teenagers. I think the worst thing you can do is pressure him. I agree with letting life do it's thing to teach him consequences.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Will check them out! Thanks for the suggestions!
@kristinabean@xanga - I've absolutely tried this idea and I'm still trying it because I really believe its the the only way he'll learn, but you're right! It's really hard to watch him fail. Still waiting for him to find himself. So hard!
Honestly, as a teenager myself, I know that really, it's up to him.
My mom pushes me and pushes me when it comes to schoolwork, and it honestly makes me want to stop working. It makes me feel like my best isn't good enough, so why try? Like... if you're being punished for the crime, you may as well commit it, because at least then there is a reason.
During the school year my relationship with my parents is literally so horrible simply because that is the absolute ONLY thing they ever speak about. No praise, no "i love you"s, no small talk, simple just "you should be doing homework".
I made straight A's and the torture still continues, which makes me feel utterly worthless, because I did the best I could, I worked my butt off, and it didn't make a bit of difference. Which stinks. I worked so hard and didn't get even a "good job". They just simply ignored it and went on to tell me I should work harder/more.
My therapist has also mentioned that the case is usually with teenagers they're old enough it's THEIR responsibility. They will either realize they need to buckle down and do better in school, or they won't, and hounding them about it oftentimes will simply just make the case so much worse. Plus, there is the whole thing that when someone is a teenager, they're sort of preparing for adult life. Not saying you should let them run rampant in the streets, but with a lot of things you should simply be acting as a safety net. You're there to step in if they try to drop out of school, or almost flunk out, but you should let them bare the major responsibility for their actions when it comes to their school work.
I know it may seem like it will never come, but eventually he will find the will to do it on his own. When I was a young child, I did my work no problem, but in my early teenage years, I went through a bit of a phase where I just didn't want to do my work, and I got around it anyway I could. I still pulled decent grades, but learned very little. Then I eventually realized on my own that no one is gonna do it for me, and that my education matters, and it became a lot simpler to do things on my own. I think a lot of people go through some sort of phase like that, though the age and length may vary, but eventually most will get it sorted out.
have him find a job.. it will give him some small feeling of control in his life and allow him to learn a life's lesson while your still there to help...
reward him for doing a good job. My grades went from As and 1B to Bs an Cs when I relized that no matter how hard I studied/ how good my grades I was never going to be allowed to visit my old friends from my 1st highschool.
Which is what my mom promissed me I could do if I got amazing grades.
Well technically I was allowed to, but only for max 45 minutes, outside in their front lawn, and she would have to sit in the car and watch us.
My mom was controlling and I nearly hated her.
point of story. Don't bend ur agreement after you are suposed to give him a privledge
Motivation is a way of innovation. A child mind can be made in such a way he will always try his best with good results. And such kind of performance only possible when they have that kind of motivation. Its really a kind of secret.
Take heart, it's not just your teenage son. I do educational assessments for a prominent tutoring company and fully 1/2 of my EAMs are on teenage boys who are getting good grades with the bare minimum of effort and their parents are frustrated because they know they are capable of more. The problem with teenage boys is that unlike teenage girls their frontal lobe is slow to develop. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468 Teens are completely self absorbed (particularly so with boys). Even actions that seem to be other focused often have a strong element of fulfilling some personal need (to be liked, to be seen as "good", etc.) so in order to motivate teens it HAS to be something that motivates them personally right now.
We often suggest that parents have their teens create a list of wants, anything they want. The parents then go through and veto any ridiculous items and then decide on what teens must do to earn their wants. Then they have a contrasting list of punishments if teens do not live up to expectations (often taking away coveted items like iPhones, etc.) This system of rewards and punishments motivates SOME teens. Other teens are motivated by denial of priveleges like cars or social network sites. Every teen has a different currency. And then there are some that are seemingly motivated by nothing and just need to be dragged through the mud (lovingly) until the come out of it. A good, positive tutoring situation can be GREAT in this situation particularly if the teen is someone they can look up to. Another option is neurofeedback therapy which will stimulate the frontal lobe and encourage teens to access that part of the brain more frequently, although it will not speed up its development. I hope that helps.
Eh, he'll get by, and then probably drop out of college after a year or two.
But don't worry, then he'll move to Silicon Valley and found Google.
Or maybe he won't - but it's more likely he will than his self-motivated sisters who like complying to social norms. Just sayin'.
Sounds like he is the middle child in between two of the opposite sex. It is not an easy place to be (I'm in between 2 boys). I'm not using this as an excuse and he shouldn't as well but it does give you some insight on how to talk to him. He may never EVER admit it... but being the odd man out AND in the middle isn't fun and it doesn't make you motivated to do much of anything.
My parents were constantly on my butt about grades in high school. I, like your son, got B's and a couple C's when They should have been A's. I hated hated HATED when they would compare me to my brothers who were very motivated and driven to get the best grade they could. My dad would even whip out test scores on standardized tests and compare them. It made me sick to my stomach and made me care even less because I knew no matter how hard I tried I'd never be able to match let alone top my brothers.
That was high school. College I kicked ass in grades. Why? Because I had my own way. I didn't go to the same school my older brother did, did not take the same classes as my brother, and the classes I was taking I knew mattered. To me high school didn't mean a thing and I treated it that way. I don't think anyone could have motivated me because I had already convinced myself that trying my best would never give me or my parents the satisfaction or results wanted. It just wasn't worth the effort. I simply got the grades that would get me accepted, and then once in college I kicked into high gear and got the grades I knew I deserved.
Your son and I sound a lot alike. I'm not saying to leave him alone and hope he will do better in college (if that is the route he decides to go), but I would say to think about what message you already are giving or have given him. Every single time you have ever compared him to his sisters, even if you realize it or not is horrible on his motivation. It will never do what you want it to do because he will never hear it the way you intend him to hear the comparaison. Even if you think you aren't doing it in front of him... if you are doing it at all he knows about it. Kids just do. It hurts no matter how you word it and it will never kick his butt into action. The best thing to do is ask him what he plans on doing. If he doesn't want to talk about it... make him. Have him write down his future plans or goals and then ask him what actions he is doing to make those plans take place. That may wake him up. Let him know you want the best life he can possibly have and you will do anything to help him get there but you need to see him making the steps to achieve that kind of life.
Good luck with everything and no matter what... let him know you are proud as long as he is really honestly trying. Sometimes kids refuse to try because they think their parents only look at the results, not the effort.
Boys and girls are NOT on different levels as teenagers. I know, because the way she described her son sounds exactly like me. I never got horrible grades, but I never got straight A's. When my parents pushed me, I lashed back at them and showed even less interest.
I'm 18 now, and in college. My personality is still very much the same, but you know what? My parents are paying for my college education, and just knowing that they're doing this for me makes me want to try my absolute best. It doesn't help that I'm going to a school where it's on the quarter system and there's barely any vacation time, but I still managed to pull really good grades last quarter despite all the stress I went through.
Give your son some time. If he's nearing the end of his high school years, then just let him know that he can't really screw around in college or else he'll have financial issues. If he's still a freshman or a sophomore in high school (or younger), then sit down and have a talk with him about it. No yelling, chastising, nothing. You might learn something about him, and work towards a reachable goal together. You shouldn't expect your son to magically get all A's (cause that's hard!) but praise him when he gets a B especially if you know he's worked hard to get that grade.
I was like this as a kid. Put him in more challenging classes-think AP. He'll love it. It sounds like he's a smart kid who is bored with curriculum that is beneath him.
Whenever my parents pushed me to try harder in school it just backlashed and made me angry at them for pushing me when I was already working. As soon as they let me do my own thing I started working harder because I realized that I wanted to do well for myself. It's my life and I'm the one running it. It's better you let him fail now and realize he has to do well for himself now, than to keep pushing him and once he gets to college and has all the freedom he wants, fails because there was no one screaming at him.
Your son sounds just like me, and your daughters sound just like my sister. This is something I usually don't talk about, but for the sake of being clear I'll include it. I have a very high IQ...considered genius in some circles. But I was not (and as a college student still am not) extremely motivated to do well. Currently the only thing keeping my GPA up is my intense desire to get into vet school and my fear of what will happen if I don't get in. My parents sitting there telling me to study extra hours - in high school or now - was never enough to get me to do so. Bribes didn't work, either. It took me not getting into my first choice college for me to realize what I had done to myself. Your son needs a shock like that...a nice big reality check that doing the minimum won't get him the things he wants in life. And unfortunately, that isn't something you can really provide for him. The most you can do is guide him into finding his own motivation, like vet school is mine. Believe me, if I didn't have vet school my GPA would probably be a full point lower than it is now, if not more. I could have gone Ivy, I could have had a 4.0 in high school, I could have a 4.0 now, but that just isn't me, and it just isn't your son. Help him find a self motivator, or just step back and wait for reality to set in. I hope he pulls it together.
@bubbelcat - Very interesting and encouraging as well. We have tried a lot of the reward and punishment stuff - things that he finds valuable. I think he falls in to the category of needing to just stay in it with him through the mud.
@mydearparker@xanga - Thanks for that reminder. I'm very very careful not to compare him to his sisters as I know that he is not like them - boy or not - he's a completely different animal. I just try to treat him according to what he needs, but that's so hard to figure out! Of course in my mind, I wonder why he can't just be easier to figure out like his sisters, but I would never say that to him or treat him that way. Trying so hard to be sensitive to the fact that he is his own wonderful person - just stuck in kind of a rut in his stage of evolution. Sigh.
@andrialauren@xanga - Thanks for your input. It's good to hear from someone who is like my son. I know he'll snap out of it. It's just hard to see him when he's in the middle of it. I DO need to be patient - not one of my greater virtues, unfortunately, but I'm working on it!
@Kris - he IS totally bored with some classes. Unfortunately we just cant switch right now. I think I'll be very conscious of what he picks next semester/year though. And next year (his Junior Year) he gets to choose a major, so he should be able to take a lot of classes that he really likes. You're right, though, he is so much more motivated and gets better grades in the classes that are challenging. Unfortunately not all of life is like that though and I do want to make sure he learns that not all of life is challenging and you cant just stop making an effort cause your teacher is boring, etc. Hard lesson to learn though. He's a smart kid and I've seen how smart kids can really fail because of boredom. But, again, you hit the nail on the head. Now I just have to figure out how to help him deal with that well.
You need to make him aware of the consequences and let him make his own mistakes. I know my schoolwork suffered for a couple of years when my parents really pushed me to do well - I just wanted to rebel, basically.
However, when my parents backed off and I found a university I wanted to go to, my grades rocketed. I knew I had to do well to get to where I wanted to be in life - as other people have said, motivation is key - he needs something to work towards
.But, don't let it get to you too much - it's part and parcel of being a teenager and it's not a reflection on you as a parent. 99% of teenagers lose motivation and get tired and lethargic - it's part and parcel of being young and hormonal, but he'll grow out of it when he finds something he wants to work for!
@milkplus_synthemesc@xanga - lmao thanks man.. way to represent
It sounds like you have already done all that you know how, so throw the ball in his field. Ask him what he thinks of it; what he wants to become of his education; what he doesn't want to become of it. Ask him with as much free time as you have to suck out of your day about what he's learning. Engage him in active learning, because some teachers are incapable (go figure). If you still need help I'd visit this forum which is moderated by a clinical psychologist who also participates in the active discussions: http://robert.ismouton.org/
@kristinabean@xanga - And here I am agreeing completely with you. :D You truly can't force someone to get motivated. God knows my parents tried for years and it kind of backfired, I took a lot longer than I think I would have naturally if they would have just let me flounder for a bit rather than hovering and trying to fix my mistakes for me. That's my plan with my daughter. I'm always going to be there for her but if she's dead set against doing something even though I know it's right, then she's going to have to suffer the consequences and hopefully that will be enough to get her back on track (obviously we're talking about things like grades or getting up on time, stuff like drugs or criminal activity is a whole other ball game haha. just to clarify :D).
He sounds depressed. I have had depression my whole life, and it wasn't until I was on medication and in therapy that I was motivated. I was always exhausted (even after going to bed on a strict schedule of 9pm and waking up at 6am) and I did what I could that my energy would allow for. The only difference between your son and myself is, school was pretty easy for me, so with little effort I pretty much had straight A's. I kept telling my parents I needed therapy for years, and they would always say, "Oh, I think if something was wrong you wouldn't be doing so well in school and have so many friends!"
I went through grammar school, high school, and part of college before my parents finally LISTENED to me and got me help. I wish I had been in treatment about 8-10 years ago. I do.
Even if he says he isn't depressed, he is a boy, and guys might not admit stuff like this because they don't want to be seen as "weak". So take him to a therapist for a little while. Sometimes, thigns are uncovered this way.
Listen to me. I know what road he is on. I've been there.
@bubbelcat - Just wanted to point out that method would seem silly to anyone who is like 15 or older. I don't like the idea of punishment, because it never worked on me. My parents "took away" all the things I like and I always made sure to ignore the punishment to make my point. The mistake my parents made was that there was no listening or reasoning with me. It was , "Ok you failed this test, that means you were online and not studying. From now on, you'll have to ask ME to go online." What does that punishment mean to me? Absolutely nothing. If they would have asked me what in my life was bothering me, and why I felt it was hard to get good grades/study etc, THEN I would have had enough respect for my parents because it would illustrate the fact that they cared about what factors made me this way, not the finished product.
For intelligent youths, punishments often don't work and are pointless. Taking an iPod or internet privileges or hanging out with friends away isn't at all like cutting off an arm or a leg. When they were taken away from me, I barely even noticed, more or less, cared.
For everyone else, it might work.