Friday, 10 December 2010
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My Baby Plan and the Surprising Reaction It Gets...
My husband and I have been married for nearly three years. I'm 25, he's 26, and we spent the first three years in Germany, with him away for month-long training exercises on both ends of a one-year deployment. We just got back to our hometown of Austin, Texas, and in a lot of ways, we feel like newlyweds again. It feels like we are just now starting our real life, things are that different.
With this recent move back into the lives of family and friends, a question we get A LOT is when we are planning to have babies. I know a lot of people get offended by this question, and I know that an answer is not really expected - a blush and grin is a more usual response than a straight-forward answer. But Hubby and I have learned to be direct at communicating over these three years; it doesn't make sense to us to not say what we mean.
Our answer is that we want to start trying in about a year. We want a year to ourselves in Austin to enjoy being a husband and wife alone together in a wonderful city, with all of the things we loved to do that we have missed for so long. As Mike puts it, "we want a summer of roller coasters". And drinking when we like, and traveling, and camping, and swimming, and staying out late dancing, and hearing some great live music. We want to experience all of that by ourselves before we bring a kid into it.
But it absolutely floors people. They stutter and stammer, finally settling on, "Oh" as the appropriate response. We wondered why for awhile. We wouldn't mind telling them about our plans and when we hope the baby will be born, and what we want to name it if it's a boy or girl, and any of those baby topics, but nobody asks us anything after we answer their first question so directly.
I have finally settled on a tentative conclusion as to why they seem so surprised: I think the fact that we have a plan, and solid reasons for it, is not the norm. It might be that it's mostly family who's asking, and our families don't usually do birth or family by planning, or logical reasons. It tends to be a surprise, or total emotion (the heat of the moment) that drives most of my family's reproduction efforts.
I guess it's also more common for a young couple to not want to communicate directly with others. They are looking for privacy and it's more fun, I think, to tease those couples. But we just lay it all out, for simple reasons:
- We know that our families will be, and we want them to be, involved in the pregnancy. Not everyone wants this, and there are limits on how much involvement we want, but the fact is that we are a closely knit group, and I know that they will want this child almost as much as we do.
- After spending so long away, and with just the two of us, we have learned how important honest communication is, and that has just become our style. We haven't been able to ever waste time on words we don't mean or can't back up. I've learned that hinting won't necessarily get what I want or need, so I just don't do it anymore.
- We are proud of how well we've brought our life together, and we want to share our plans and dreams with people. We had a lot of thinking time, where we could just list out all of our considerations (what we want ultimately, what time lines are important to us, what goals will be easier to achieve before a baby, etc).
I know that all of our plans may go out the window, and I know that the timing will never be "perfect". But, all joking of roller coasters aside, we really do want a year to adjust to civilian life and to the States again. It's more different than I thought it would be, and harder to get used to being back home than I had imagined. But I read and dream about when we have our baby, and what they will be like as a child and adult. I read mom's blogs and research pregnancy. I'm very excited for when it all happens to me.
Being that this is a blogging site by moms and moms-to-be, I'm sure that there are a lot of you who actively planned the conception of your children.
Did you have a plan? How did people react when you told them about it? And did everything go as expected, or were you surprised?
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- From: MrsJenBean@xanga
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Comments (38)
I'm not married yet, but I definitely have my plan. I want to be married for at least a year and then start having kids. I'm only 22 so I have time. I actually don't find it odd that you have a plan whatsoever. My bf and I have always planned when we are going to have children after getting married. I thought that was normal.
I thought it was normal too! I think it's great to have a plan, and yours shows that you're fully aware it's going to affect your life. If you posted that you wanted kids and you had no idea when but couldn't wait, I'd think.. well, they're still in that euphoric stage. I think a life with a plan, and a marriage were you can openly talk about what you both want is going to work much better than haphazardness.
I had kids when my husband and I met.. so we never had the opportunity to do things just ourselves.. you will adjust with a baby and have date nights and still get to have fun.. but I totally understand wanting one last year just the two of you. Enjoy it- have fun! But don't think after baby comes it's all doom and gloom lol.
@SexyGamerGirl@xanga - I thought it was normal too! I guess it just depends on the people you are talking to. The people that I've asked, by and large, have not been very into planning stuff like that, so maybe they think I'm weird!
@tofloataway@xanga - That's how I think- it's worked well so far, although I'm not going to claim that it is all perfect! Also, having this plan gives me plenty of time to daydream about it, and anticipation is a lot of fun for me. :)
@Nina1981@xanga - Hehe, I don't think it's ALL doom and gloom... lol. In all seriousness, I will be so happy when we have kids, and I know that we'll also have plenty of family who'll want to babysit when we need a night to ourselves. But I'm also very glad to have this time to re-adjust to "normal" life before having another big life change. I guess I am just glad that we have the luxury to decide when and under what circumstances we want to have kids- as much as children and life will allow us to decide, that is!
@MrsJenBean@xanga - I'd much rather have a plan than just suddenly becoming pregnant. I'd be freaking out about having enough money and just being prepared.
I think it's great you have a plan :) My husband and I have only been married for 6 months, but we started "trying" for a baby in October and now I'm 9 weeks pregnant. Although we didn't get to spend a lot of time just being husband and wife, we've been together for years and having kids right after marriage just felt like the right thing for us. Yes it's going to change our lives, but it's not like we'll never be able to have fun again just because we're parents.
I wish it had gone that way for me. I got pregnant too soon, unintentionally....and well, I wish I had lived a little more first (the way you can without a child).
@SexyGamerGirl@xanga - same. I want to know I am in a position to support the kid properly, both financially and emotionally.
We planned our pregnancy several years in advance. We, too, wanted to enjoy life as a couple before having a baby. Also, I'm a teacher, so I wanted to give birth in April, May or June so I could recover and spend more time with baby without using up all of my sick leave. We were hesitant to share our plan because (1) One of my sisters is very competitive and I didn't want that to influence us and (2) It was our first try and we didn't want to disappoint anyone (besides ourselves) if we had issues getting pregnant.
Our plan went about as well as we could have ever expected and I'm expecting April 21st! I will only miss 5 weeks of school and not have to put baby in daycare until he/she is 4 months old.
I can totally understand wanting to wait a year before trying for a child! My husband is in the Navy, and we had time to ourselves to do what we pleased before he joined (he's only been in for about 2 years), but I can totally see how it would be nice to have some time after his enlistment to just chill for awhile. We've been trying for a baby for awhile, though, so I'd much prefer to get pregnant now, lol - but I guess that's just something to look forward to if it doesn't happen.
And we had plans for our babies...very specific ones, actually. They didn't exactly plan out when we didn't get pregnant, though - lol! But we've kept them to ourselves for the most part. We wanted to surprise our families with a pregnancy when we got started with all this, and then when it had been awhile and we realized it wasn't gonna happen very quickly, our reasons for keeping it under wraps changed a bit - just didn't want to get the family in an uproar over something that might not happen for awhile. But I think it's totally reasonable and smart for couples to have at least a vague game-plan for their family!
That's how me and my DH are. He's also military, and our plan for when we get out and move home sounds very much like yours.
I don't see anything wrong with it! [:I never planned on a family. I never really even planned on dating.
It was a pretty big shock for my family when I moved in with a guy, and got pregnant a year later with twins.
My husband and I had a "five year plan" only because we got married pretty young and I wasn't finished with school yet. Well, God obviously had a different plan for my life because I found out the June before I was scheduled to graduate in December, that I was pregnant and due in February. Finishing out my final year of college VERY pregnant was quite the experience. We were thrilled to find out we were pregnant anyway though. It was actually BETTER timing. But of course, because we told plenty of people about our "plan," a lot of people knew this baby was a surprise and were surprisingly rude about it. The first thing out of my mom's mouth, instead of congrats or something like that were, "What happened to the five year plan?" I was ticked. No, it wasn't "according to plan" but I was excited; why couldn't she be excited for me? But yes, I think it makes SO much sense to have a plan but be open to changing them because hey, life happens. But having kids is definitely not something to rush. It sounds like you know exactly what you and your hubby need to do for now, so enjoy it while it lasts (and don't be afraid to add another year to that plan, if you want!). Good for you!
We had a plan and we went w/ it. Currently expecting now! We were married just over 2 yrs, together 8yrs. Of course after getting married we always heard the "when is the baby" question. You guys have a good answer. Of course life can't be "planned" but it's good to have some sort of plan I think.
we were planning to have a baby soon... and one night (after we ran out of alternate birth control) BD and we found out we were pregnant 3 weeks later. it only took 1 time so we are really going to plan plan plan the next one, if there is a next one.
we went thru the samethings tho. right after we got married people started to ask and they were shocked when we told them we would wait 3-5 years depending on where things were and where we were financially. we even had people comment that "if you wait till you are financial ready you wont ever have kids." we just wanted to have cars paid off, a house purchased and paid on for a year or so, and some student loans paid off... and we did and it was SO SO SO worth it. :)
now B is 10 months old and we get the "When are you going to have a second one" people are again shocked when i tell them i am not convienced i want another one yet. yeah they dont know what to say to that one. and i am really not convienced i want another baby at the moment. we are going to discuss and see next year at this time but i dont want to let anyone know that.
I definitely agree with wanting to wait a year. I was kind of brought up with that belief though. My parents got married when they were 27, had my sister at 30, and me at 32. I get more shocked when people have kids almost immediately after getting married. I think it's important to enjoy just each other before bringing in someone else into your lives.
I myself have a plan, even though I'm not dating anyone at the moment. I'd like to spend about 4 or 5 years (dating/engaged then married or just a long relationship) before even "trying" to have kids. Thinking about it, I couldn't imagine doing it any other way. Making memories and working out the relationship (should the need to arise) is much better than bringing my child into a situation where my SO and I can't even work out the relationship.
And my parents dated for a very short time before they found out they were pregnant with me and got married. They had their 25th annivesary just recently. While that works for some people, this is what I feel works for me.
And plus, I'd like to do some traveling, late nights, exploring the city and enjoy my husband (while falling in love with him in various ways and getting to really know him) before babies come. Then when the children grow up, you've got some silly and crazy stories of what it was like before they arrived.
My boyfriend and I have talked about it. We want to wait 2 years to 5 years after we get married to have a baby. But at the same time if we get pregnant before we originally plan we will still be fine with it. God will give us a child when he wants us to have a child. And we have also come to accept that he won't give us children if he doesn't want us to have kids. But I sure hope are able to have babies. It's something that I have looked forward to as long as I can remember.
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - Sometimes it's not something people can control though. I have had many friends who got pregnant on their honeymoon (whether on birth control or not). Honestly I would like to at least wait a year. But at the same time if I have a honeymoon baby, I won't mind.
I totally have a plan- I'm getting married in august of 2011, but I won't get to move out with my long-distance fiance until may of 2012. Then will be when my life gets crazy for career purposes for 2 years. So I don't want to start trying until 2013-2014. I'll be 32 or 33 then, but to me now is the time to invest in my career and to be a little selfish; kids can totally wait!
@midge4ever@xanga - If it happens then it happens. It can't be helped in some cases, but I would rather wait a year. I'd definitely make sure I was prepared in case something like that happened though.
I married my husband last December but we have been together for almost 7 years. We always planned that we'd get married and then focus on finances and our living situation for a while, and when things were nice and stable, we'd have a baby. But I think getting married changed something (even though we had been living together for 5+ yeas). I suddenly had this huge desire to have a baby and I couldn't ignore it. Eventually my husband agreed that we might as well have a baby right away! So we got pregnant and now our baby boy is due next May. :)
So yes, we had a plan. But we didn't exactly follow it. ;) But plans are great because they mean you know what you want. They can act as a guide. I think people are just jealous you and your husband are so together! Go you!
my mom and my friends always ask me when we are going to start having kids....
a lot of my friends already have 1-2-3-sometimes more
We live in Germany right now (hubby is in the air force)...and we leave in about a year
my husband has said that when we get back to the states, we will talk about trying to start having a baby
right now, it just isn't the right time...
and I have an almost 14 month old German Shepherd named Aby that keeps us on our toes...
I thought it was normal too! I think a life with a plan, and a marriage where you can openly talk about what you both want to be going to work much better than haphazardness.
I think it's not just normal..but a great thing to do! :) Both my pregnancies were unplanned (but not unwanted), but at times, I do wish I did get that "one year" to get some couple's time before settling down with kids. Having kids change your life dramatically, so yes, I do think it's good to enjoy yourself a bit as a "newlywed" before entering parenthood.