My parents became first-time grandparents this year. My niece, a baby girl, was born with jaundice but otherwise healthy. At the time of the birth, my mom started hanging out at the hospital, being there for 36 hours at a time. She would be at the hospital for a day and a half, then be home for a few hours, then go back to the hospital.
After the baby went home from the hospital, my mom started going over to my sister's house every chance she got. She already babysits every Friday, but there are weeks where she will go see the baby after work, then babysits Friday through Sunday. Babysitting for her starts at 8:30 in the morning and quite often she doesn't get home until 10 at night even though at least one of the baby's parents is home around 7:00.
I don't see my mom too often anymore.
She's usually too busy with the baby and when I do see her, she's thinking about stuff to get for the baby or she has the baby with her. At this point, I would consider her behavior concerning the baby to be borderline obsessive.
I can't tell her the behavior is obsessive though because I know she'll either deny it or say I'm just jealous and need to stop acting like a little kid. Really I just want my mom to spend time with me instead of trying to be around the baby every waking second.
Any ideas how to handle this?
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Comments (43)
Two questions - how old is the baby and how old are you?
Some people get super excited about babies and it sounds like your mom is one of those people. It's actually really great for your sister that she has such a supportive mom. I know I wouldn't have survived my daughter's first year without my mom helping me as much as she did!
I don't know about you. Why don't you just arrange to spend some time with your mom? Don't tell her she's being obsessive because at this point, I wouldn't say that at all. Just tell her that you miss her and want to spend some one on one time with her. It's not exactly rocket science.
I know this post is about you and your feelings but I feel bad for your sister. When I eventually have kids if my mom tried to be around that much I'd probably move cross country to get away from her. Maybe try talking to you sister, she could be annoyed by it as well. So maybe if that is the case you two could talk to your mom together.
@TheLizarellaProject@xanga - The baby is 7 months. I just turned 24. Actually I spent my 24th birthday hanging around my dad because Mom decided she would rather babysit after work instead of coming to join me and Dad.
@itscatwithak@xanga - At times it seems like my sister actually wants Mom there every second. (Maybe I should talk with my sister...). There have been times when my sister will call Mom and whine that she doesn't feel good, and I wonder if she's faking in order to get Mom to come there and spend time with her and the baby.
I'm wondering why this was featured on Momaroo. Pretty much has nothing to do with motherhood. If these are the kinds of posts that are chosen to be featured on a blog that's supposed to be focused on moms, I'm not sure I want to continue subscribing.
My advice to the original poster? Don't ask these kinds of questions to a group of people who are passionate about being moms. I don't think you're going to hear the kind of answer you are obviously digging for.
Like one of the above commenters, I also feel bad for your sister for having such an unsupportive and selfish sister. My baby is almost a year old and I wish I could call on my mom to come over whenever I need her, but she lives hundreds of miles away. She's lucky to have her devoted mom so close by.
Ugh, sounds like my mother-in-law. She was almost too much for me to handle over having a newborn! Three kids later though, and we have worked it out. It took setting boundaries. If you sister has a problem, she needs to talk to your mom about it. If you have an issue b/c you want some time to spend with your mom, than that is something you should talk to her about.
@tinalimchung@xanga - I'm sorry you feel that this has nothing to do with moms, but I see it very differently as the author is dealing with issues with her own mom. I think it's a different perspective on motherhood and grandmotherhood.
@hippiechristian73102@xanga - It does seem like there is some jealousy involved here. However, your jealousy is based on you needing something from your mother that she has neglected to give in her excitement about her new grandbaby. I think it's great that she is so excited and wants to be so involved with her new grand child, but it's unfortunate that she is doing that at the expense of others. I don't think you can tell her what to do in terms of her new grandchild, but you can tell her that you really miss spending time with her and are feeling a little neglected. Tell her that you understand how happy she is that she has a new grandbaby, but you would love if she would still find some time to spend with you. After that, she has to make her own decision about how to react. All you can do is to tell her how you feel. I hope you won't take it out on your sister or your new niece as it really seems like your mom is the one whose actions have affected you. I hope she'll respond positively. Can you also spend time with her while she's with the baby? Offer to babysit with her sometime and share her joy? You're a new aunt!
This situation sounds like a new momma's dream come true!! A friend of mine just had a baby a few weeks ago, and she absolutely loves when someone comes over to help out. Those babies require constant attention, and moms love getting a minute or two to themselves every once in awhile. Plus, if you're 24, then I'm guessing your sister is older than you? At any rate, assuming you're the youngest, it's been 24 years since your mom has had the chance to snuggle a baby. I think if your sister is comfortable with it, then more power to her! She has readily-available help, and your mom gets those baby-holding urges out. Talk to her and set aside some time for just the two of you to reconnect - and I agree with an above commenter, spend some time with the three of them, too (your mom, sister, and niece). Sounds like there's lots of love to go around!
Best of luck to you!
I would have given my right eye to have that kind of support from ANYONE (or spread out between several people even) in my son's first year. And then again when I found myself with a 2-year-old & a newborn. Maybe your mom feels like your sister isn't getting enough help from anyone else, so she's trying to fill that void for your sister. Maybe she remembers just how stressful & uncertain those new mommy days are. Is there some reason you don't want to spend time with your sister & her baby with your mom? And why did your birthday have to be limited to just you & your dad? Could you have had a family birthday party and included your sister & her baby? If you know your mom would respond by telling you to let go of your jealousy, I'm guessing this could be a recurring theme in your lives, with one being jealous of the other... Work on your relationship with your mom & your sister, and make sure to remember that the baby will factor into your whole family dynamic from now on.
I think it's completely natural to want to spend time with your mom. My mom works a lot, now, and I wish I had more time for her... and I'm 23 too. That said, she's probably just really excited to be a grandmother. She adores her little grand child and wants to be around the baby constantly. I think that's only natural too. It may seem obsessive to you, but I think it's just normal. I mean, when my mom became a grandma, she said she did not mind anybody buying her things that say "gramma" on it at all. That's all she wanted, because she was so excited to be a grandmother. If I were you, I'd just express a desire to spend time with her. Maybe arrange a time to go get coffee or dinner or something.
Oh, and I'd also agree with the others who are saying that, since she's been a new mom before, she knows what kind of support your sister needs. That may be why she has no problem being over there a lot, other than just being happy to be a gramma.
@kristinabean@xanga - Not particularly. I think Mom automatically thinks if I make any motion towards feeling ignored, it means I'm jealous. I'm not, I'm just tired of ignored. Even if me and Mom are spending time together, Mom is texting my sister and seeing if she wants to join us, as she did a couple weeks ago. Fortunately for me, my sister was busy and couldn't join us.
@Brilliant_Innocence@xanga - My sister has support from the other grandma as well as the other aunt (not me), yet my mom acts like she is the only person in the world who can help my sister. She, as in Mom, has pulled this kind of stuff before where the person has lots of support from other people, yet Mom will act like she is the only one who can help. It can get irritating.
@hippiechristian73102@xanga - And by "not me" I mean in terms of babysitting. I cannot babysit.
@hippiechristian73102@xanga - I just don't see why it would be "fortunate" that your sister can't join you & your mom. That wouldn't mean that your mom is ignoring you, just that she enjoys spending time with both of her daughters. Is the real problem between you & your sister? Why can't you babysit or help your sister out with the baby once in a while? It seems like you insist on this distance between yourself & your sister.
@kristinabean@xanga - I had a feeling that if my sister joined us, she would bring the baby and the outing with Mom would turn into doing baby stuff instead of me getting to spend baby-free time with Mom. I can't babysit because I don't drive and I refuse to change diapers.
@hippiechristian73102@xanga - It sounds like you're the only person in the equation unwilling to compromise. Sorry, but you do sound jealous & a little spoiled.
I don't want to judge you but I don't feel you have the slightest clue what it is like to be a new mom. What appears to be "obsessive grandparenting" sounds like supportive grandparenting to me. I don't recall seeing my mom on my 24th birthday, nor on my 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th or 29th either for that matter. My twenties were the decade I devoted to growing myself and I was independent enough to not want my family weighing in on that process. I really liked having the extra space to explore the world and what I believed. I went to school, I did semesters abroad (none of which were financed by my family either) and I worked 40 hours a week.
When my sister had her kids I was glad my mom could be there for her and now that I have had my daughter I am delighted she is around for me. There is no more wonderful job in all the world than being a mom but in the beginning especially when there is sleep deprivation, the possibility of postpartum issues and so many new things to learn it is extremely helpful to have someone there to help out. My guess is that your mom is probably thinking that you are old enough to cope with her not being around as much as she was prior to the birth of your niece but if your heart is really longing for some mother daughter time you need to tell her how you feel without trying to label her behavior unfairly.
@tinalimchung@xanga - maybe she is asking for advice from MOMS about how they would feel if their child's grandmother was over there. As a mother myself AND a new grandmother, I find that woman to be over the top obsessive. The other idea that came to my head is the sister is experiencing some post-partum and needs to have someone else there with her and the baby.
I think the girl who posted this has some legitimate concerns.
@hippiechristian73102@xanga - Sounds kind of like my daughter-in-law's mother. She's very controlling - and I knew her mother before I knew my daughter in law - and feels she is the only one who can do what's "right" for our grandson. Nevermind there is, in addition to me, two grandfathers, a step-grandmother and two step-great grandmother's who are more than willing to help out. Not to mention the six aunts and one uncle... I think your dad needs to be the one to talk to your mother about the amount of time she spends there. I can't believe he isn't feeling a little abandoned as well.
Well...
If I was your sister (and she's not complaining about the help) then I'd feel so blessed.But since you are still living at home, your mother should be making more time for you, I would definitely talk to her about it. And maybe you should go with her to your sister's and bond with your niece
I think its pretty normal. Most people tend to become a bit obsessive when they are first time parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles...Thats exactly how I was when my niece was born and my mother is the same exact way...she loves her grand-daughter.
Your mother won't be attatched to that baby forever.
In the menetime, you're going to have to comprimise your time with her, and kinda... share in her current interests, basically. Go see the baby with her. Get involved in her life instead of waiting for her to come to you.
I can kind of understand your situation. While I'm not the first grandchild, I am the first granddaughter for both sides of the families. While my mom's mom moved to a different state when I was younger (my grandfather died way before I was even a thought), my dad's parents live in the same house for what feels like forever. Growing up, they loved me like crazy but since I was a fairly easy going child and didn't get into trouble often, I've got a bunch memories being silly with my grandparents.
The point of the story is even when my cousin Allie was born, my grandparents still were crazy about me. Even if they were spending just about every weekend as well as going to every game, play, or music thing Allie and her two brothers had/have. The only difference between me and Allie is that my grandparents are now retired and my parents never really forced my grandparents to come to every little thing I had been in. My aunt (Allie's mom) kind of forces them to be there. Granted, Allie's youngest brother is a tryant who needs everything to be about him and his mother doesn't discipline (at all past a verbal warning) and my grandfather is one of the few that get him to listen.
But I also know that if I called my grandparents and wanted to do anything, they'd make it work.
I think that for a while (at least the first couple of years for the FIRST grandchild) your mom might baby crazy for a bit. I'd say let it wear itself down first. When Allie's older brother was first born (a little over 13 years ago), it was a bit strange to have a baby around. But my brother and I had also been the youngest grandchildren for about 13 years. (I was almost 13 when he was born.)
The dyamincs of the family are changing. And yes, it will be odd and a bit strange to see everyone coo over a baby. But remember, this is also a new family member and babies are much more demanding on everyone than a full grown adult. If it bothers you that much, I suggest calmly talking to your mother about it. If you feel like your sister is someone you also want to talk to, then do it in such a way that they can't argue about it. State observations and how you miss having one one time, baby free with your sister and mother. And if you don't feel like you're being heard, keep at it. Talk to your dad about it as well. He might be a third party to get some insight about it.
And remember: It will get better.
She must have been very bored with her life before your sister had a baby.
@tinalimchung@xanga - wow. rude much? she just wants to spend time with her mom. she's not being unsupportive or selfish. and none of the commenters above you were saying that about her. just you.
my family has been through something similar recently. since living in the same state as my dad's sister and her family, we've been pretty close. we spent Christmas and thanksgiving together for years and we get together at least once a month for birthdays. however, ever since my aunt and uncle became grandparents, they've been spending less time with us and we've been feeling left out.
i see this type of behavior in my aunt and uncle and i really hope my parents don't act the same way when i have kids. that would annoy the crap out of me. i'm sure i will be glad of help from my mom but i wouldn't want her around all the time. your sister may be different though. maybe she enjoys the attention or just doesn't mind it. i don't know.
i would talk to her though. and if that doesn't work, as someone else suggested, have your dad talk to her. be gentle. explain that you love her and you know she loves her new grandchild but that you're feeling neglected and just want to spend some baby-free time with her.
i hope it works out!
My grandparents pratically raised me since my parents were at work when I was little, so I spent summers at their place, or getting picked up or taken to school by my grandparents. Even now they still come over...but less frequently since I'm 19...but your mom and sister will clash over everything. Your sister might think your mom's controlling and your mom will think your sister can'tdo anything right....so the "honeymoon" period between them won't last long.