Tuesday, 23 November 2010
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New Mom With Very Sick Baby - How Can I Help My Best Friend?
I have had one "real" friend so far in life and we've been good friends for as long as I can remember. Five months after loosing her virginity to her first love, she found out she was pregnant, at 19. They are living proof the "pull out" method isn't effective.
On her due date, she actually went into labor expecting a beautiful healthy baby boy. But minutes after he was born, the doctors realized he wasn't so healthy. He has what doctors refer to as the vacterl association. He has a tethered spinal cord, imperforate anus which means he doesn't have an opening, a hole between his right and left sides of his heart, and an abnormal pulmonary valve.He had to have a colostomy the night he was born to keep him from poisoning himself. Within the next week he had a shunt put in his heart. He stayed in the hospital for over a month. Now, he is expected to have up to 5 surgeries before he's one.
Being a mom of a child with these disorders has to be so hard. Being a teen mom has to be terribly hard as well. Both has to be exhausting.
The whole time I have checked in with her daily to see if she needed me to do anything for her, visited them, watched Grey's Anatomy with them, let her vent, and when calls late at night when I'm studying for a huge test, worried sick because she thinks she did this to her baby, I tell her no research knows why it happened and it isn't her fault. When she is frustrated that his colostomy won't stay on, I offer to do it for her.
But I don't know how to support her. I can't say "It will be okay" because, it may not ever be okay. I can't tell her it will get easier, because it won't. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to be a good best friend anymore.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Could you offer advice on how I can continue to help my friend?
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- From: loveslikethisx33@xanga
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Comments (16)
Just be there for her, hon.
There's nothing you can say... but sometimes it helps to have someone who's just THERE. And with teenage moms, they often lose friends once they can no longer be as socially involved in high school as they were pre-baby, so I'm sure your continued presence & willingness to do whatever she needs done will be a big help for your friend.
Just keep doing what you are doing. You being there for her, for any reason, speaks much louder than any words can.
other than what you're already doing I suggest bringing her a hot meal on occasion, i'm sure she'll appreciate not having to worry about dinner is a slight relief for the day.
You are doing all of the things a best friend would do and beyond. I honestly do not know what more you can do other than to continue to be her support.
being a good best friend means just being there, sometimes. And you're doing that! Just keep on doing what you're doing. I don't think there's anything someone could say that would make it better. My heart goes out to your friend. I can't even imagine!
Be there for her and please never use the term "You have to stay strong." It is one of the worst things you can say because sometimes, she wont feel so strong and will want someone to be strong for her and just let her get it out.
After reading about what the baby has via the link you posted the one thing I can add to what everyone else has said which all seems to be good advice to me is that, there is alot that can be done for the baby, and that as you said it will get better. Much of the danger can be fixed to the point that the baby will live a happy life.
One of my friends growing up, his dad had this, with the miss formed arm, shrugs it wasn't a big deal he had two happy heathy kids and had a normal life, it wasn't the end of his world at all. Good luck and you keep heath and strong to, best way you can help her is by keeping up your own hope.
You can't really say anything to help, but the best thing you can do is just be her support and shoulder to cry on. Sometimes the most complex problems have the simplest solutions.
It sounds like you're doing all you can now. You are a wonderful friend by the sound of it. I hope your friend's baby is okay.
Will he have to have the colostomy his whole life?
Maybe it will be okay, and maybe it will get easier. Science is coming up with cures and medical breakthroughs all the time.
What you can say is that you'll be there for her and the baby and follow through with it.
What you're doing already is wonderful!!! She is so lucky to have a friend like you. I think you should just continue being a supportive friend.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - They plan on fixing his rectal problems within 6 to 9 months. After he recovers from the surgery, they're going to reserve the colostomy.
I think you've done plenty to support her--support isn't about saying the right words and simply making her feel better! It's about being there in a time of need, even if things won't get better, things ARE better because you're there to help her. Keep doing what you're doing. :) You sound like an awesome-possum friend!
You are doing a great job of that already. Just keep doing what you are doing and be there for her. That is the best thing for her.
I think you're doing what you're supposed to do. If you want to go the extra mile offer to go grocery shopping for her, pick up things from the store, bring her some damn starbucks cause she probably will need it sometime lol
The most important thing you can do is follow up on any offers for help. Have her check out babyaidensjourney.com and get involved with the congenital heart defect community (she can meet other families through there - survivors and heart angels). My husband has a heart defect and we've found a lot of support there. Also, 1in100.org.