My ex and I have been on and off for the past year. Currently we are off, but I recently discovered I am pregnant.
We're young (both 21) but we have discussed what would happen if this situation occurred. I was always for keeping it (I just don't think I could bring myself to get an abortion) and he's always been for abortion, saying we are too young to take care of a child. He lives on his own, and I live with my father. Neither of us have money saved up for something like this.
When I told him I was late, he fully expected we were going to have a child together. I, on the other hand, didn't want to stress him out and wasn't feeling like I could go through with having a baby. Now I am not too sure.
This past week has been hell for both of us, neither of us knows what to do. I had the suspicion I was pregnant, but didn't really know until tonight. I don't want him to feel trapped into staying with me because I am pregnant, but I can't go through this without him.
I can't go to my family about this because my mother's mother just unexpectedly passed away and I can't stress her out because I fear it may harm her health, and my father's side of the family would expect us to get married before the baby, and that just isn't an option between the two of us.
None of my friends know, because I don't feel like I can talk to them without their judgment, and I don't want to face their disappointment just yet. I know how they look at all the other girls we used to know who had kids young, and I am already way to stressed out to deal with them.
Can anyone give me some words of wisdom/advice?
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Comments (53)
i cant tell you what to do because inevitably its your choice but im not yet 21 i will be next month and i have a daughter who is almost six months old your situation sounds much like mine in that i didnt marry her father although we are still together and that i had no place to go and my family frowned upon the situation. You should probably consider saying to hell with everyones expectations thats your baby grwing inside you and everything will work itself out i love my daughter imaginably and i couldnt imagine my life without her even though its not easy its so worth it
You're between a rock and a hard place, eh? Well, keeping the baby and abortion aren't the only two options. Adoption is another one you might want to look into. But ultimately that decision is left up to the two of you. As for the family...sweety, I hate to say this so harshly but...suck it up and tell them. They're going to find out sooner or later and it's best if they hear it straight from you. No one can force you to get married if you don't want to so do your best to ignore the pressure. If your friends are judging you because you are unexpectedly pregnant, then they aren't great friends. And you don't need them, you need someone that will be supportive and helpful. Also, he doesn't have to stay in a romantic relationship with you just because you're pregnant. You two can break up but he can still be a supportive father to the baby. Baby does not equal relationship. So, depending on what you two decide to do, you can still have him help you through the pregnancy and be supportive but without the romantic/intimate relationship. Best advice there is...follow your heart. It will tell you what to do. It'll be hard, I can guarantee that, but it'll be the right thing.
I totally agree with @Lydia_Lynne@xanga. Think about adoption. Think about talking to your family. Think about keeping it and letting your boyfriend support you without having to be in relationship with you.
having been in a situation similar i know your fear of telling your family. but let me tell you that i can almost guarantee that you are your own worst critic. the fear you have about telling is far worse than the reality will most likely be. especially if you can act responsibly and say hey this is what happened and here is what we plan on doing. if you act immaturely and dont tell your family then they will probably be more disappointed with you. the others are right adoption is another viable option. at least look into it. you cant make a well informed decision if you dont really know what youre dealing with. best wishes to you. you will be fine. life will go on. it always does.
Adoption is a wonderful thing - you can choose the family and whether it is an open or closed adoption. This way you can avoid having an abortion but since you and the father aren't ready to raise a child, this might be the best financial option and the best option for the child to be raised in a more stable household. At least consider it.
Also, I know you don't want to damage your mother's health, but if you wait to tell her until the pregnancy is farther along it will be more 'damaging' to her knowing that you kept it a secret for so long. I would recommend breaking it to her gently, and having a general idea of what your plan is.
Good luck!!
I am personally completely against abortion. A baby is already inside you, rapidly forming and growing. But I'm not here to argue about that.
Adoption is a better alternative, if you really see no way to be able to keep the baby. There are many families waiting for a chance to have their own baby, and some are willing to do an open adoption.
But if you want to, with our without your ex, keep the baby. You CAN make it work.
I would break the news to family/friends once you are sure about what your plan is, otherwise you'll be thrown a lot of opinions, and you need to be sure about what you want to do.
And after all that, congratulations! I know right now you feel stress, but your body is a part of a beautiful process at the moment, growing a life! :)
I found out I was pregnant the first time 9 days before I turned 18; and was living with my now husband in an apartment with no electricity for about a month until we were allowed to move out...I spent my 18th birthday at my now in-laws giving me a book about pregnancy and then getting told how we couldn't take care of ourselves how could we take care of a baby, etc...now 2 1/2 years later I have a 2 1/2 yr old, and a 6 week old, and we have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge and lots of love, and I'm a SAHM... yes I did use medicaid and am about to be on food stamps for the first time...but what I can say is there's many options, my sister placed her 3rd child in an open adoption and that has worked out really well for her to be honest had I known more about open adoption when I was pregnant with my daughter I would have considered that more (I don't know if I would have picked that as my option but I definitely would have considered it)...but saying that I love my daughter and now wouldn't change a single thing. I have a 2 year old that loves her mommy and her daddy and her brother, she pretends she gets what she needs (maybe not always what she wants but what she needs...) to say that we provide fully financially for everything is definitely true...
Could someone else provide more financially, probably, does that mean it wa sthe best choice for us? No...But I can't say what's right for you, but know that it's THE MOST rewarding jbo in the world being a mom...young or not I love my kids and wouldn't change anything...and trust me everythign works out if you choose to parent, you find a way even when there seems like none. I have even seperated from my husband twice, and we still have found a way to pay for everything for our kids and be together. Good luck and if you want any links for young mom blogs or open adoption blogs let me know, it could give you some insight...
I definitely sympathize with you and want you to know I will say a prayer for you tonight, even though I don't know you. Please keep the baby or give it for adoption. Please do not abort it. I stand where I do because I am a Christian and believe that God views all life--all life--as sacred and a gift (readers, if you attack me, I will not respond). The Lord is sovereign and works through all circumstances, and he works all things together for good for those who love him, so please seek him. I wish you well.
As a happy non-aborted person, my mother was in a very similar situation to you and she choose adoption.
=)Please consider that there are literally hundreds of thousands of loving parents who can't conceive, who would love to take care of your unborn child after it's a born child.
Give your baby love and care, and seek out adoption information. The child will be happy you did, as will your conscious and the child's adopted parents.
@zretrareo27@xanga - i really like and agree with your comment, as a fellow happily-non-aborted-but-adopted person.
I think you should keep the kid but if you really can't support your child you should go through adoption. I'm not into abortion because that's just plain killing of the child.
It might be hard because yeah, you would be looked upon with disappointment from your family but think of it this way, your saving a life, your keeping someone alive inside of you LITERALLY and he/she is worth all of that. To have that fair chance of a life.
Maybe you'll come back to this and think of it as a trial for a better future. I mean if you can make it through this kind of problem other problem might look miniature to you.
Be strong your not alone... and never were and never will be.
I hope this help.
I'll be praying for you.
My mother-in-law was in this situation, except she was in high school at the time. I can't imagine how my life would be right now if she hadn't chosen life. I wouldn't have my husband or my beautiful 12 week old daughter.
It isn't easy, but you're past 'easy' now. Any decision you make will come with consequences. Sounds to me like you've already worked through this in your head and you know what the right move is. I strongly urge you to raise your son or daughter or give him/her to someone who can.
Time to grow up. Tell your parents. Tell your friends. You'll need the support of whomever sticks by you. As for the rest of them, well, it's their loss.
My advice is if marriage isn't an option between the two of you, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant- yes, I mean that you shouldn't have been having sex if the natural outcome of pregnancy would be something you wouldn't want. Try to learn this lesson.
For this one, I think you should give it up for adoption and dump the guy. Find somebody you can have a real relationship with and raise a child with- I will never understand why women keep the guys around who they know will never be the ultimate one.
Like quite a few people have said already... I can't tell you what to do, but I know what I did. I am 20 years old, I'll be 21 in January, and I have a two year old son. His father isn't in the picture, and I'm dating a wonderful, wonderful man that stepped up in my son's life when he didn't have to.
I've always been pro-life and when I found out I was pregnant at 17 that never changed. I'm not going to lie and say it's been easy, because it hasn't. It's been hard. Very hard. I'm never been the most financially secure person in the world and there were times when I wasn't sure where I was going to get $5 to buy formula for him, but I always found a way. I've gone with out a lot of things to make sure my baby always has what he needs and he's never wanting. It's really hard being 20 and staying home on the weekends when my friends are out living. In fact, I don't have a lot of friends any more because they stopped talking to me when I decided that I was going to stay home with my son instead of partying it up, but who really needs friends like that any way? Surely not me. But, regardless of any hardship I've faced or anything I've gone with out, when my son calls me Mommy or tells me he loves me, when he does something so insanely cute I just want to cry, or just any time I look at him, everything is worth it. He is the most beautiful, most miraculous thing I've ever seen, and I think a lot of mothers feel that way about their children. I'd give my life to ensure that my little boy will be happy for the rest of his.
Regardless, if you feel that, in your heart of hearts, you aren't ready for this I encourage you to look deeply in to putting the baby up for adoption and not getting an abortion. Who cares what your friends think about how young you are? You're bring a precious life in to this world and they should be proud of you for not taking the easiest way out.
Take the responsibility for your actions, that's all you can do. You don't NEED to stay with the dad of the baby if you two don't get along, that just causes stress to the baby in the future. There are many single mothers who do it out there, yeah it's harder but they make it through. I'm against abortion 100% so for me that's not an option. You could also give up the baby for adoption which would be the best choice in this case. A baby needs stable family life and money to buy it the things it needs.
I just wanted to put a bit of a different twist on what I have seen in the responses you have gotten so far. I'm old enough to be your mother - I'm a grandma to a 15 month old from my oldest son and his wife. She hasn't been an easy baby and it is hard as a grandma to see how hard it is for them. Parents never stop loving their kids and wishing they could make things easier for them. Now, saying that....
Only YOU know what kind of family you grew up in. Only YOU know what your boyfriend will be like with a baby. Only YOU know what you can handle. BUT, you need to need to take time to REALLY think it through rather than just go on your first emotions. I agree with the girls that said that adoption or raising the baby on your own are good options. Sometimes people and you have more strength than you give them credit for. It might be good for you to go to a pregnancy crisis center to talk to a counselor about your situation. Go to one that gives you options other than abortion though. A lot of the previous posts were laying out the guilt about abortion is killing a baby. There is another aspect that I'm concerned about for you. I've lived long enough to know that the things that you do in life can come back to haunt you. Many women who have abortions struggle with it later in life.
So, whatever you decide to do, you have come to a point where you are probably having to make the most adult decisions that you have ever had to make. Use your opportunity as a time to grow and learn. Don't let it tear you down. You can become a more beautiful woman through this and remember that you are valuable!!!!
I believe you could do it. It wouldn't be easy, but not a lot comes to us in life that's worth having and is easy. However, if you come to the conclusion that you absolutely cannot parent this child, terminating it isn't the only option. (In my opinion, it isn't an option at all, but I know everyone doesn't share this opinion.) There's also adoption. So if you decide that you don't think you can handle having a child right now, remember there are millions of people who would love to adopt a little bundle of joy.
Good luck with your decision <3
SO many women can't live with themselves when they have an abortion. Its killing child, regardless of the reason. People kill other people for unknown reasons and we call it murder. Man killing man. In the womb, or on the streets.. its the same thing.
Adoption is a great alternative. If he doesn't want the kid, the kid will grow up not feeling wanted by his own father. While foster homes aren't always the best situation.. and a kid may wonder why his parents couldn't care for him, at least he'd know he was cared for enough not to have him aborted.
I'm not adopted, but my brother and sister are and I love them dearly.
Please, please watch this and this before you decide what you do.
Her name is Gianna. She's an abortion survivor. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I know this is a hard part in life. I just want you to see this before you make a decision.
As so many mentioned above, there are so many people looking to adopt a little one. My partner and I have been looking for a long time and would love to meet a young woman who is pregnany and committed to keeping the baby and giving him or her a life to live... I know you just found out that you are pregnant and you will go through so many emotions in the next few months- from wanting to keep the baby, to adoption, to keeping with the father, to raising the baby on your own, etc... I have seen it all happen and it is perfectly normal. If you wiould like to talk to someone looking to adopt an infant, please do contact me. I would be happy to talk to you more and tell you a little about us. I could also just be a sounding board and tell you about some other people I have met along the way so you won't feel so alone.
Best of luck in whatever you decide. Reach out to me- heatherpepnet@gmail.com
hj
I know how scary this feels. My heart goes out to you because an unexpected pregnancy is never easy. The day I told my family I was pregnant, there was a death in our family as well which completely overloaded my grandma.
One thing you never mentioned was adoption. I know it wouldn't be easy, but it would be a way if you cannot handle an abortion. Just remember that this is your decision, and whatever one you make will be the right one. Best of luck to you.
That's tough. It is a really hard decision.
Wish i could help, even if i'm a stranger. I'll pray for you in helping you make your decision. I hope the best for you.
ever consider adoption, ?
If you want to keep your baby, you can. There are plenty of resources you have, especially being a single mother. If you're willing to do it- it's not easy, but it's doable.
For me adoption wasn't an option. I already loved that child, and it's hard to live with yourself, it really is. You will always wonder.
Just think about it, but don't wait too long, time is of the essence, after all.