I was so dizzy last night that I had no choice but to go to sleep early. Maybe it was the rains, and mold, or barometric pressure. Maybe it was that I hadn’t slept longer than six hours a night in weeks. My brain wakes my body up and I just can’t fall back into sleep. Maybe it was the hours of sobbing over the weekend.
Last week, there were four major incidents that made it undeniable to me that my ex’s girlfriend just isn’t going away. We have avoided talking about her because I am so angry about the affair we can’t get anywhere. I have worked so hard to figure out what is my business and what isn’t.
My son is my business: if he meets this woman, if he’ll be around her, if my ex is planning on moving in with her so visitations would be affected. But the details of how serious they are, how much time they spend together, or anything else that pertains to their relationship doesn’t actually impact me. And, I haven’t really wanted to know any of it.
But I have questions I just can’t make logical answers for.
I totally understand how and why my husband reached the conclusion that we should no longer be married. Recently, I read “Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person” and we fit almost all of them. So, the question of why he left is easy to answer.
I just can’t figure out why he stayed with me for eight months after he started sleeping with someone else. I can’t figure out how he looked me in the eye and lied to me hundreds of times. How he kept having sex with me. How he listened to my pleas for help with our son, for him to be home more because I was exhausted and burned out and needed him, and then said he had to go into work when he was actually with this woman, or said he’d fallen asleep after his club closed when he was trying to do paperwork.
I have tried over and over to tell myself that I don’t need to know, that I may never understand. And I just haven’t been able to get past it. I was packing up photos of us, cards we gave to each other for anniversaries, birthdays, postcards he sent while he was touring with a band. I wasn’t upset. I’ve loaded those memories of us into a box so that when he’s old enough our son can see how much his parents loved each other. I was fine looking at all that stuff.
It’s the damn girlfriend. And she doesn’t seem to be going away. He loves her. Which means that at some point, my son is going to be around her. And that either opens up a bottomless well of grief in me or makes me homicidal. This woman who had so little respect for my marriage. This woman who disparagingly referred to my ex being with our son as “daddy duty.” This woman who had known me for years and worked me with while I was pregnant. How can I make peace with her ever being around my child?
And my ex is doing things for her that I’d asked him to do for years. If I weren’t seeing him for child hand-offs, seeing the new wardrobe that actually fits and doesn’t consist of rock band t-shirts, seeing what he’s giving up or taking on, maybe it wouldn’t be so painful. As it is though, I assume it all has to do with her. It’s not a fair assumption probably.
When I can’t sleep at night, it’s not because I’m running memories of our first fifteen years together through my head. I am revisiting last fall. I don’t want to live there any more. The ridiculous thing is that if we had stayed together, I would have forgiven the affair already. The night he told me about it, I responded that the affair was a symptom of a much larger problem. And we did have much larger problems.
But the affair is actually a relationship, an ongoing seemingly healthy happy partnership by all reports. Is it that they have found something that he and I worked so hard for? Is it that he’s with someone and I’m alone? Is it that he trashed my respect and trust for him in order to be with this woman? I don’t know. But I have to find some way of accepting it and letting it go–whether they’re together another ten days or another ten years. I don’t want to give this woman any more of my energy. And I don’t know how to stop.
How have you dealt with people who have hurt or wronged you? How do you deal with them being around your child?
Post from MamaTRUE