People are always talking about choices. Are you pro choice or pro life? Do you like chocolate or vanilla? I wonder what about those things we don't get to choose.
To be totally honest, I would have never chosen for Emily to have Down syndrome. It wasn't like I was pregnant and anticipating her birth and thought to myself "Wouldn't it be great if she had some major disability that would cause people to look at her strange and create life long health issues?" I mean, who does that?
Now admittedly, Emily has got to be the cutest child in the entire world, so when people look at her, I just tell myself they are amazed at the sheer beauty that she radiates, but there are days it just gets to you.
Tonight I had to sit down and pretty much violate my precious daughter.
She has a serious bowel issue and requires at minimum a weekly enema. I would rather hang myself than have to put my daughter through such torture, but it is either this or blockages that require surgery. Watching her cry as we go through the procedure breaks my heart. I spent the hour after just telling her how sorry that I am.
If I had the choice, I would make this bowel issue go away. If I had the choice I would have chosen that she not need open heart surgery at 8 months old. If I had the choice, we would only see doctors once a year or so instead of once every few months. If I had the choice, I would keep my heart from stopping every single time she has an unexplained fever. You see, children with Down syndrome are at a much higher risk of Leukemia and unexplained fevers could mean low blood counts which could mean the "C" word. I really hate the "C" word.
If I had the choice I wouldn't insist that they draw blood at least twice a year just to get a count on what is her "normal".
However, I didn't get the choice. Instead I was chosen.
Looking at things in that manner I realize that there is one thing I would not change if given the choice. I would not change the fact that Emily has Down syndrome. Yes, life has been a bit more scary at times, but what an amazing ride.
Never was it so triumphant when one of my children walked. I mean, Emily had been working on it for two years and the smile on that beautiful girl's face when she made it to the couch from the table was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. She was so proud of herself.
Never did it seem so mind blowing
to watch my child eat with utensils. Never did the sound of a beating heart bring me to tears quite like when I heard Emily's following her heart surgery.
You see, I might not have been given the choice about Emily and Down syndrome, but even if I had been; I wouldn't have changed a thing.
Sometimes lack of choices brings the greatest reward.