Monday, 06 September 2010
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Marriage and Relationships -Single Best Piece of Advice
"Dating is the best the relationship will ever get. Marriage only complicates things more."
Heard this straight from the mouth of Bruce Jenner while catching the ever entertaining season premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians the other weekend.
It really struck a chord with me when I heard it because I think it would be the single piece of best advice I could give someone who is in a relationship that is contemplating taking the next step. In a few weeks, Hun and I will be approaching our three year wedding anniversary. And by the end of the year, we will be together for 10 years.
We had a really great dating relationship, relatively little fighting. Lot of fun and lots of laughs. And that joy carried into our marriage, 3 years later. Things could've been so different if our relationship was built on a shaky foundation. But of course life is fluid and no one can say for sure what the future will hold, but I really have a good feeling inside me that we've got a really, really good chance at happy forever after.
When you're in a good relationship, of course marriage can help elevate things, taking things to new and greater heights. But there are also those cases in which marriage totally wreaks havoc even on a teflon relationship. So when you're already in a sour, unstable, unhappy relationship, marriage will only exacerbate things. It will never fix anything. People really do change once those wedding bands are exchanged. Sometimes it's subtle changes, sometimes it's drastic. But you will learn and realize things about a person that no amount of dating or living together will teach you. As you will learn things about yourself that you didn't know before.
It's sad sometimes, but I see it a lot, how marriage makes people lazy. Yeah, people still try but the incentive is not as strong as it was before. People might try, but they also give up a lot quicker. Over the years, I've heard so many stories of 8 year relationships and a month into the wedding, they annul it because the bride decides to run off with another man. I've heard countless and witnessed a few newlywed affairs in which people realize they made the biggest mistake of their life and don't know how to walk away from it. Modern marriages are not what they used to be.
Sometimes I see friends who are almost miserable in their current situation and when they talk to me about possibly getting married in the future. I wonder to myself, do they know just how much it takes to maintain a healthy marriage? If you couldn't get your dating relationship right, what makes you think getting married would make things better? Half of what makes a marriage successful or unsuccessful is the history you bring into it. If you're not being treated right before he makes you his wife, I take the pessimistic approach that he's not going to be right to you after.
People, marriage is hard work. I don't care what anyone says, it is work and it will be one that's always in progress. But it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it. Just don't go into it expecting it to be a magic pill that will fix and correct everything that was wrong in the past. It won't and if you think it will be, you'll be in for a rude awakening. It's a lot about compromise and a lot of about self sacrificing. You learn teamwork like you've never known before. It's about daily, minuscule things that go into running a household and big, grand visions about raising a family. It's about anything and everything under the sun. But of course the reward at the end of the rainbow is amazing also.
I could focus on all the grand and beautiful things, but I'm trying to paint you the full on real picture. Sometimes the person you date is not the person you think you're marrying...and rarely do people get better. But the worse part is sometimes when you get exactly the person you date. Is it enough?
Everyone has an idea in their heart if their relationship is going to make it or not. I think back to the day I got married and I could probably pretty honestly admit to myself that I couldn't go through with it if I didn't believe wholeheartedly that this was going to the best decision I'd ever make. Isn't it time to be honest and ask yourself that? Life is about making the best educated guess cause there's no guarantees that when you open this door, you're going to win the grand prize randomly.
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- From: LolliPooP@xanga
- About Me: When you educate a woman, you set her free.
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Comments (34)
I've been married over 2 years, and together with my hubby over 10. I know where you are coming from, but I don't necessary agree with the quotation. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, and we waited for the right time for marriage. I would say our relationship has improved with age, and of course our maturity.
@lil_squirrel4ever@xanga - agreed. horrible quote.
Marriage doesn't fix anything and it's so crazy to jump into it when if you already fight like cats and dogs...I think the most important advice I know about being married is that loving someone is a choice, not a feeling that comes and goes. My first husband and I didn't understand that and only loved each other while it was fun. The marriage lasted 5 months.
My second marriage occurred because I got pregnant. We barely knew each other and so it seemed like it should be a disaster. However, it's not. Our marriage is blossoming... We have talked about how we choose to love each other even when we don't want to. We don't give ourselves any other choice and we do not view divorce as an option.
I completely disagree with the quote. If you feel that your relationship is "complicated" then you shouldn't get married in the first place... ever.
@isumath07@xanga - what relationship isn't a little complicated? I don't know any couples who don't argue.
@JoyElizabeth82@xanga - just because you argue about the "little things" doesn't mean that you would classify your relationship as complicated. Everyone has disagreements, but I would never classify my relationship with my husband as complicated. When life is hard, my relationship is the one thing that's always there... simple... it just is.
I'm just saying that if you find it hard to get along or develop the relationship in the first place... marriage certainly isn't going to make it better. However, if you find someone whom you are a good match with and love each other... that love and relationship only grows with marriage.
@isumath07@xanga - "When life is hard, my relationship is the one thing that's always there... simple... it just is." AMEN! That's the amazing security that comes with a committed relationship.
Rarely do people get better? I disagree. We mature as individuals if we're committed to improving ourselves. So if you enter a marriage relationship with a desire to be selfless and be a better person for your spouse, it DOES get better every day!
I really feel like this whole thing was a really negative approach to marriage! Yes, there are marriages that fail. Every day. But what about the marriages that succeed? Especially the ones against all odds?
Marriage is the most happiness and joy that one can ever expect to experience. Every day.
@averyswife@xanga - "So if you enter a marriage relationship with a
desire to be selfless and be a better person for your spouse, it DOES
get better every day!" - YES!!! Every single day I am blessed and amazed. I love being married. It IS work, but it should be the kind of work that warms your heart, the kind of work that fulfills you.
Look, Im not married and have never been. I often hear people say things get much more complicated when you get married, but if your living together and shareing expenses and everything else then why on earth would a vow, a piece of paper and some rings make a difference at all? Can someone please explain this to me?
Secondly I would have to say the single best piece of advice anyone could get regarding not only marriage but absolutly anything and everything is to NEVER EVER GIVE UP. No matter how bad the storm, it will always pass (even in the bible the storm that destroyed the world only lasted 40 days and 40 nights, people will say WELL this has been going on longer than that, but what they dont realize there is that with a storm like that that caused a flood like that just immagine how long it took the water to recede and the world to be reformed, but it happened and we are better and stronger for it). The worse the storm, the better things will be when you make it through them, and the stronger you will be too. Like if a winter is mild and only gets to lows in the teens your not nearly as happy when spring finally arives as when you have had a brutal wineter with average lows at 5 to 10 below 0 (also think how such winters would seem to take forever when in reality they last just about the same amount of time (give or take 30 days) each year.
I too disagree with the quote, but I loved what you wrote about it. My relationship with my husband is much better and stronger now than it was when we were dating, and it will continue to grow this way in the future. But you're right in the sense that marriage is a LOT of work and dating wasn't. Marriage is supposed to bring out the best in you, but let's face it, it often brings out the worst in people. Selfishness is the #1 obstacle.
I wish my sister would read this. She has a horrible relationship with her boyfriend (they've both cheated on each other and they are both manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive), yet she still talks about marrying him some day. This is where I understand the mentality behind the quote, even if I don't agree with it. But seriously, if they're this miserable NOW, then what the heck do they think their marriage will be like in 10 years?!
I completely disagree with the quote...but also, why is this on momaroo? Isn't this better suited to datingish?
Marriage is hard work that is never done, however nothing worth doing is ever easy, the best things in life are not free, and you get what you give :)
Marriage is an outdated and (has always been) a completely unnecessary concept. You can certainly stay with one person without it, and perhaps both men and women could be less selfish and more active in a community.
@theandyman1982@xanga - Maybe you'll notice a difference when you're married. I know I did. Marriage is more than just living together and sharing expenses. Having a live together relationship is just a step above having a roommate in terms of commitment. If a break-up happens, courts are not usually involved. It's as simple as moving your stuff out of their place and closing a few joint accounts. It's a more tangled and financially trying process to get a divorce and often leaves both parties broke. Thus, it's a riskier commitment.
There are other changes besides financial. The world views a married relationship differently. There is a sense in which friends and family and total strangers see you as more committed and treat you as a more legitimate couple. When you're in a live-in situation, nobody but you knows just how committed you really are. Plenty of couples live together for short term and then split up. It doesn't mean anything. But if you take that step to get that piece of paper, you are making a statement to the world that you are really, truly committed to each other. Yes, marriages fail as well, but that statement is still being made. I notice that with friends and family, if someone is "just dating", even if they're in a serious long term relationship, you can invite them places and not always expect taht they will bring their significant other along. Once they're married, it is expected that the spouse will come along. An invitation is almost always extended to both people (unless it's a guys only or girls only night) because they're viewed now as a family or a unit. I have a cousin who has been living with a guy for 4 years and has 2 kids with him yet I sense the family still treats him differently than married spouses in attitude because nobody's sure if he'll be there the following christmas (she's been through a few long-term guys like this).
There is also the difference in effort. Like the poster said, often married couples can get lazy or give up or not try as hard because they've already won the prize. In a dating relationship, there's always the real chance someone could decide to end the relationship at any moment without any serious repercussions. So both people tend to try harder and not let all of their guard down quite yet.
@theandyman1982@xanga - I often hear people say things get much more complicated when you get married, but if your living together and shareing expenses and everything else then why on earth would a vow, a piece of paper and some rings make a difference at all? Can someone please explain this to me?
It's a perspective thing. When you're dating someone there's always the option of being able to leave whenever you want. Even when you're living together and have joint responsibilities, it will be hard, but it can still be done realtively easily and you don't need a judge's permission or rules. There's two types of things I find usually happen in situations where the marriage goes south.
1. At least one party suddenly feels trapped by this new restriction, and winds up having an affair or wanting out to have the freedoms of single life again.
2. At least one party feels like the restrictions are an excuse for taking their "perfect" masks off or other bad behavior because they can "get away with it" now that it's so hard for their partner to leave.
For instance, I know a couple who, upon returning from the honeymoon, the wife announced there were going to be some new rules now, which included such things as no more parties, no staying out late, no heavy drinking, etc. These were all things that she previously participated in with no problem and he had no idea she was unhappy about. It seemed as if she'd been putting on an act to make herself into the kind of person he would want to marry, and once it became legal, she felt she didn't have to pretend anymore, and could start molding him into the person she really wanted. The look on his face was awful when he told us this, because he knew he'd gotten himself in over his head but now there was no way out, short of an ugly divorce. It's been a few years now and both of them are completely miserable and unrecognizable from the happy-go-lucky personas they used to show. Last I heard she wanted a child but he didn't, but he was thinking about going along with it so she would stop nagging him.Â
Marriage is what you and your spouse make of it, plain and simple.
@Jane - Well if you are lying about who you are, the relationship will fail whether it is a marriage or not. And that is what it seems happened with your friend.
Many of these failed marriages would have benefitted from marital counselling before the train was already derailed, if they ever got any help at all. Most people are too prideful or too "busy" to seek help from a counsellor, and that is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes we all need wise counsel and you can't always air out all your dirty laundry with family etc.
I think there is also the difference of relationship confidence. If I had a "serious boyfriend" who would not marry me, I would question his intention and commitment. And that suspicion could easily degrade trust in the relationship. Know what I mean? I think marriage is different in that way - both parties have declared their honest-to-God commitment to each other and their families. And that's something you can have confidence in.
Seriously, it's common sense people. Neither marriage or a baby will make a man MAN up or be better,or treat you better.
I don't know anyone who thinks of marriage as a magic pill. But sometimes i think people settle.
Society says get married, so people do. Though they sense the person isn't quite right for them, i think they feel a certain societal pressure. Society will judge no matter what. If you're smart and wait until you're ready and you find the right person until later in life, they might say, "Well, she's 40 and hasn't married yet. There must be something wrong with her or maybe she is gay"-blah, blah.Maybe the dating years, when Jenner says it's the best, are there for a reason. All relationships change, but maybe to look back and remember the time when it wasn't all so complicated can be part of what keeps you together-sort of the beginning of building a foundation, if you will. Best doesn't always mean prettiest or best behavior. Best can be when your kids graduate college, when you have a golden anniversary, that trip to Napal, the friendships you make with other married couples and their milestones. Time has a way of making wine sweeter and relationships too, once you get over the hump. =DI loved it when he said! its so true!
I don't really agree with the quotation. If the relationship is GOOD, what's the harm in marriage? Marriage IS the relationship on a slightly higher playing field. If the relationship is bad.. of course one shouldn't marry. Guess my point is how the relationship is present in both situations. Not one is isolated from the other. To say relationships ar ebetter off without marriage is almost the same as saying the opposite too.
Successful marriages and relationships are successful because the TWO people in it work together to make it better! Teamwork.
I love this blog. It was honest and straight forward.Â
Marriage is like swimming--in shark infested waters. It's just a matter of time until--CHOMP!
I don't think I'll be getting married again. I like my flesh where it is, thank you.
bruce jenner is an idiot. why would you take advice like that from a man who has been married three different times? because he was successful in the olympics 30 years ago?