Monday, 23 August 2010
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Calling Two Women Mom: Which One Is Really My Mother?
I was raised by two women; my biological mother and her lover. The latter was around since infancy and she has more of my memories and fondness than my "real mother".
"Call her mommy" my 'real' mother would encourage when no one was around. Then, "I'm your mother" she would bellow when I preferred talking to her lover.
Being a mother is so much more than incubating a fetus in a womb for nine months. Mothering is a life-long commitment to nurture and protect another life. Who is my 'real mother'? And, could I have more than one mom?
My mom, Lucy, was very sick in my childhood-or so I'm told. Though I wonder how sick she could've been if she was able to conceive.
Her lover, Patty, took over our family since I was six-months-old. Patty came to every little league game, Honors Society banquet, and graduation.
Lucy, on the other hand, missed both my high school and college graduation. I didn't invite to her my university closing ceremonies because she faked a 24 hour illness on the day of my high school graduation.
I think Lucy 'fell ill' when I walked across the stage for the first time because she couldn't bear to see me, diploma in hand, with honors, and making a speech.
Throughout childhood, Lucy would tell me "You're gonna be pregnant by the time you're in 9th grade! You won't even graduate high school!"
I almost forgot this ominous damnation from Unlovely Lucy until a few months ago. I excelled in academia just to piss her off. Gladly, it worked.
Patty, her lover, has been the exact antithesis of Lucy. She's encouraged every endeavor, insisted on the follow through of every commitment, and assured me of my eminent success.
I didn't have two mommies growing up. I just called two women mommy. My 'real mother' is Patty, a saintly surrogate.
Fatherless girls call their deadbeat dads 'spear donors'. I call misfit mom's 'egg donors'.
Growing up in a gay household in the early 90's was a drama in and of itself, a blog in the making. But, I'm sure glad Patty came along and mothered me anyway.
Did you have an "unconventional family" growing up? Who do you call mom? Do you have more than one?
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- From: EBailey@revelife
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Comments (23)
Well, obviously your "real" mom would be your biological mother, so that woman is your "real" mother. Sure you can have more than one! Whichever one you see as your mom, that's her.
lol
If your "real" mom doesn't act like it, and the other woman does, then she is your mom! But if they're both equal, I don't know what to tell you
Throw in a sperm donor dad and you have the plot to The Kids Are Alright
Wow, you hit the jackpot. Some might call you lucky.
What if you had two moms (no quotations), one was just a better person.
Also, all sorts of people have babies, it cannot be prevented.
wow i understand what u mean i had a real dad a step dad and then my mom started to date women and i called her lover aunt even though she was like a mother to me so i think ur pretty lucky as i was
@TATASOCUTE@xanga - Dude Aunt Patty was what I called her!!!
I had two moms too... except one was my grandmother and the other was my biological mother who kind of dropped my brother and me off for my grandmother to raise. My real mother was my grandmother because she was the one who was there for me through all my childhood. My biological mother didn't stand up and try to act like a real mother until my grandmother died, but by then I was already out of college. The one who is there for you, who encourages you to be your best, who does the hard job of being a parent- that is the "real" mom.
We are Muslims so polygamy is allowed in our religion under certain conditions. Homosexuality is forbidden in the three big religions. Your mother is the woman who bore you, gave birth to you, nursed you from her breasts. The woman who gave you half her genes. No other woman is your mother. I am my husband's second wife, and he may be taking a third wife if Saudi Arabia does not process my papers quickly. (He's in the process of getting my papers approved for living visa right now). I won't be my step children's mother, I'll be there step mother. My husband's children will be lucky, they'll have two (possibly three) mommies. I'll be my step children's aunt.
My mom has been married three times. My biological father married twice. My legal father married three times. The name dad is tossed around frequently, but only one person is my mom. It can make for a lot of confusion trying to explain my family to anyone. Glad you had a mom there for you, whether she is blood related or not. That is how my current step-dad is.
i only call my mom, "mom" and since my dad isnt in the picture she plays the role of a single-mother, and fatherly role. i don't mind it. she's doing a spankin' job.
@wintersun - Who are you to say who her mother is? Motherhood is much more than just giving genes.
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I don't have an unconventional family. My parents are still married and both were great, but my mom came from an unconventional family in the sense that her parents divorced at a time when divorce wasn't as common in Pakistan. It sounds like the OP is very blessed to have Patty in her life. :)
I have a strange family situation, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I technically have two mothers. The one I call "Mom" is actually my aunt. The other one is my godmother, but I call her by her nickname, Willie and have, up until a few years ago, introduced her to people as my aunt.
When you have those "I want my mommy!" moments, who do you think of?
Thats how I would find my answer.
I believe the word "mother" refers to the woman who carried you in her womb. However, I feel that calling someone "Mom" is a title of endearment, and must be earned. Any woman can be a mother, but it takes a specific woman to be a mom.
Right after my parents got divorced, we moved into my dad's sister's house where she had three kids. While my mom was out with my aunt's baby's daddy, my aunt was there to take me to school, cook dinner... Essentially, take care of me because no one else would do it. I started calling her "mommy" as well but after a few years of that, my mom got all paranoid about how everyone's out to get her and so she told me that I couldn't do that anymore. Honestly, I think mothers are those who do the job, not just those who give birth to you.
I happen to have two moms also. Although i didn't have the same issues as you though. They were very strict and made me stick to schoolwork rather than friends and sleepovers but they both loved me and showed it the same. They were there for me and made it a very loving home. And I call them both mom. :)
I always much more related to my grandmother as a mom than my actual mother. She's a b1tch, and I was really, really glad when I moved away from her, far away, to the other end of the globe. I have a bunch of problems in my life, and she knows NOTHING about them, because I know she would judge me and my husband. She would judge my husband and me for my father-in-law's past drug addiction, she would blame me for not being able to get a job in this economy, she would judge me for getting fired over a stupid misunderstanding, she would never understand that my mother-in-law is not obese or disabled by choice and she didn't choose not to get her health fixed when she just couldn't afford insurance, least to say medical bills.
I am glad you had Patty in your life... a mom like this, who may not have any blood links to you, is a great gift. I wish I still had my grandmother... :'(I have to agree with @ConfusionwithaK11@xanga - I once had two mothers, sadly my mom wasn't in the healthiest of relationships. The times I do remember with her were fond ones- her lover I just called by her first name Ricky. But because they had so many problems so I ended up living with my Grandparents. My mother chose a very rough lifestyle and she had alot of problems- she ended up being killed as a victim of gang violence. Wrong place wrong time. I had already been living with my grandparents so it helped me cope alot but I really did miss her. My family didn't have a problem with her being lesbian, they just wanted her to find a stable and more healthy relationship. I look at my Grandparents now and consider them like my parents. Everytime I have a stomach flu or relationship problems or just need to talk I call my grandma. She always seems to know what to say to make me feel better.
@Grovernator@xanga - funny that you say that....i say the same thing about fatherhood. any man can be a father, not every man is a "Dad"
family is not a black and white thing. hell, i'm starting to love my husbands family more than my own (as crazy as it is, i get along with my Mother in law better than my real mom). family is what you make it, and blood isn't always thicker than water.
Interesting post, TY for sharing.
I was "raised" by my bio mom, who I call cathy. She divorced my sperm donor shortly after my birth and I was immediately put into daycare.I had health problems, which caused me to vomit a lot which daycare folks weren't too crazy about so mostly i was left to stare at a wall during my most important learning years, the first ones. Throughout my life, I have had surrogate moms-awesome ladies who took an interest & talked to me like a person while my bio mom was working or in her room drinking alcohol. Mostly they were my friends' mothers, neighbors and aunties.Unconventional seems to be the story of my life. When I was much younger my birth mother, became ill and when she passed I went to live with her best friend and her husband. I call them mom and dad because thats what they have been for me. As I got older, I befriended many older women who have shaped me in many ways to be the woman I am today. I call each and every one of them mother. I apply it to the saying 'it takes a village to raise a child'. For me they are that village and I was that child. It was great, I wish other people could have the same experience.
i was adopted, i call my adoptive mother mom [or bitch behind her back] and i use to call my birth mom by her first name...but i see her more as a mother to me since the bitch isnt treating me like a daughter- or a human being anymore...
nature over nuture for me
I have a friend who calls his stepmother "mom" and his biological mother by her first name. I never asked why, and I know his biological mother is very much a part of his as well as his brother's life. It just always seemed very...odd to me.
SPEAR DONORS!!