Sunday, 18 July 2010
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Why Can’t Mothers Discipline Their Own Children?
The other day, while running myself completely ragged by doing errands around town, I stopped off at McDonalds for a quick lunch accompanied by my one-year-old daughter, Aurora. I ordered our food, paid, received said food and sat down. While I was eating my cheeseburger and slurping down my Mickey D’s Sweet Tea and my teething daughter was munching on a french fry, I noticed the mother at the table directly ahead of us with her three children and mother-in-law.
Her youngest, a boy named Santana who was around 2 years of age by my guess, was just not listening to her commands. He wouldn’t eat his food. He wouldn’t sit down. He kept taking his older brother’s hat. He whacked his older sister in the face. He kept raising his voice. He kept trying to climb over the divider. Plain and simple, he was just a pain in the ass. I know they call them “The Terrible Twos” for a reason, but this kid was just taking it to a whole new level.
And the whole time, the mother did nothing to truly stop any of his behavior. The most that she ever did to discipline little Santana was tell him to sit down and eat his food in a normal, natural talkative tone of voice. No firmness, no sternness, no serious looks. She warned him that if he didn’t sit down and eat his food on the count of three, then he was going to get a smack on the butt. She constantly said this, but never followed through. It was an empty threat. Twice, she asked little Santana if she needed to tell his father about his behavior.
When he took his brother’s hat, right off his head I should mention, the mother simply asked little Santana whether or not he was going to wear the hat. If he wasn’t, then he should give it back. Of course, the older brother protested this because it was his hat and he wanted it back as he was wearing it. But the mother did nothing to resolve the issue. This whole time the mother-in-law was just quietly eating her meal.
You could tell she was completely embarrassed to be around this family of hers. She didn’t want to have any interaction with the mother nor the children; she occasionally looked around to make sure no one was watching what was taking place.
So, why is it that some mothers can’t or won’t discipline their children? Why do they use a very effective discipline technique, but never follow through with it? Such as the “Count To Three” method. Why do they undermine their own authority by threatening to tell the father, after the fact?
As though the father has more disciplinary authority than she does; having the father take care of the issue well after it has happened has no effect on the child because they have forgotten what they did wrong in the first place. Are mothers afraid of being too mean to their children? Or are they afraid of losing the love of their child if they punish them?
What do you do to punish/discipline your children, both in public and in the privacy of your home? Do you do anything different between the two so that people in public don’t think you’re a ‘bad/mean/harsh mom’?
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- From: Lydia_Lynne@xanga
- About Me: I'm just trying to be the best version of me that I can.
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Comments (122)
That doesn't sound that bad..
I'm not a mom, but I've seen enough of this same situation. I think some women take the 'submissive' role a little too far, in letting their husband be the sole disciplinarian. My family will NOT be that way. My mom let my dad do all of the disciplining, and in the end, as teenagers, my brothers and I didn't want to listen to her, and questioned her every command. :/ Sad days. I think a lot of it has to do with how the mother was raised as well. If the mother was raised thinking it was okay to let her husband be the sole "bad guy", then she is going to think it's okay too.
Sounds like my mom...My brothers were, in kinder words then I normally use, demon seeds. Out of control! My middle brother was put in the young marines, and that didn't do anything. They would get "grounded" only to whine so much that they were taken off punishment. I disciplined them more then my mother and step-father. My brother once called me a "stupid whore", and neither parent did anything, so I back handed him (I would never hit my own kids, but my brother had it coming, I was like 13), and I'm the one who got punished. The last straw for me was when I was maybe 16, they got caught stealing from the mall. They got everything taken away, not allowed to have friends over, etc. I come home one morning two weeks after the incident, and they are back to having everything back. I'm the one who got grounded for A) Saying something about it, and B) Coming home at 5 pm instead of noon. And they knew where I was! Helping my friends grandmother in her garden....
I really wonder about certain parents some days...
sounds like a brat to me, or at the very least bratty behavoiur. I mean, if i go someplace to eat, I shouldn't have to watch someone elses' kiddo climbing all over the booths into adjoining booths. I must be a mean mom because I will not put up with that from my children. My children will not disrupt the other patrons meals. Maybe it's the discipline or maybe I was blessed with three behaved children. Maybe a little of both. I don't wait for my hubby to come home to dole out punishments.
I hate the whole "I'll tell your father" thing. That's just lame.
As far as eating is concerned, I think it's important to be consistent both at home and out. If you have a rule for home, you should have the same rule when you go to a restraunt. I realize this is McD's.. but. I don't want my daughter getting really loud, but she has her moments. If she was acting like that little boy? Well, we'd have already left, due to her bad behavior. I have taken my daughter to the bathroom, before, to let her calm down from a tantrum. I don't think every one else needs to hear that. Plus, I like not having any distractions, when I'm trying to discipline her in public, so I take her some where private.
I haven't witnessed a ton of moments like that, but one thing that always catches my attention is children who are running around in stores. There have been many times a child runs right in front of me and If I don't stop I'll hit them. I don't know why, but it drives me crazy. I don't think I'll be letting my daughter run around like that in public places. I know how aggravating it can be!
Kids screaming and running in the grocery store and the mother just lets them keep wailing. Not even "Shh!"
Ohhhh, I have a thousand of these that peeve me. I know kids are always going to be difficult to some degree, but I don't think it should be that hard to discipline them. And I don't think you have to be mean, just serious. They need to know that if they want to make that fuss, that consequences will follow.
Mine can scream all they want about being disciplined, but if I say no; I'm going to mean it and I won't cave.
I don't have kids, so I hope I don't sound to full of it, but I won't stand by and let my kid be a punk or a brat.
Also, I've seen mothers that discipline, but it's totally in the wrong way. They're screaming louder than the kid and I've seen some mothers cussing at their toddlers. That was pretty horrifying to watch too.
Because if someone in the public sees the mother openly smacking her child, they can call social services and have the child taken away. Such is the way of modern politics sadly. If she raises her voice in public, there is also the chance of humiliation and making a scene.
Personally, I would tell my child if he doesn't behave, he knows what's going to happen once we get home. That's what my mother always does. That and she would use the shaming method, "I am disappointed that you would act in such a way" or "big girls don't do this, would you like me to yell at you in front of all these people and children?"
I think it's more of a case of "won't" than "can't." True, I'm going to beat myself up if/when my daughter pouts after I have to discipline her, but I know from being around mothers like this what happens when that discipline isn't there. So when I have this baby, and she gets old enough to learn, she is going to have rules to follow. Not ridiculous ones, of course, but rules. As for my husband, we agreed that whichever one of us is there will handle the problem, but coming up with punishments for each thing is best since it'll be consistent and easier for her to pick up what she's doing wrong. I just don't like the whole "Do I need to tell your father?" threat. It really is demeaning to the woman who says it.
I think it's out of weariness that some moms don't follow through and discipline their kids. Maybe I'm just talking about myself though, and my children don't display the kind of behavior you despcribe. I think I'm probably about 95% consistent with my follow-through. The other 5%? I'm just too damn tired to get up and take care of the issue.
However there are certain things that will I will not allow, like running around a restaurant, being too loud in public, any dangerous behavior, etc. The restaurant-running really peeves me off, and my daughter always wants to do it because her friends do. I just won't allow it. Period. No discussion. End of story.
And I have never spanked in public, either. We only use spanking rarely anyway, I believe in it, my daughter just rarely needs it - she breaks down pretty easily usually. I don't think "when we get home..." is effective though. It's too removed from the situation. Depending on the age of course. My kids are 4 and 1.
@Murphy_Rants@xanga - I admit to sometimes being a yell-er. It's the one thing I want to change about my parenthood. My mom also yelled. I think being aware of it helps me to remember to take it down a notch. I'm working on it.
I don't cuss at my kids though. I'd be too afraid they would repeat me. HA! But really, I think that is verbal abuse to cuss at them the way I assume you are describing.
It's probably because they're afraid someone (like a certain we-know-who) will report them for "child abuse."
Simply telling him "no" is usually enough, but we still try to keep Damon as distracted as possible when we're out. If we're grocery shopping and the checkout lines are long, we'll give him a cold soda bottle to play with (the boy's got this insane love for bottles). If he's acting up and we're at a restaurant trying to have dinner, we try to leave as quickly as possible. I'll take him to the car while David gets to-go boxes and pays the bill. If he throws a fit while we're walking around the mall, he gets a swat on the ass and plopped in a stroller for the rest of the time. He knows that when he's quiet, we'll unstrap him and let him walk free again. At home, he gets a swat on the ass and a time-out in his room. Same thing, we open his door when he's quiet.
maybe its because children want to run and be loud. dont take them to the restaurant, take them to the park or anywhere outside (on a trail?) just my opinion
@JesusWillEatYourFace@xanga - So don't take your kids to a restaurant? Dude first of all that doesn't take advantage of the opportunity to teach them how to behave in public around other people - which is a skill they must learn. Secondly, that is a punishment on the whole family to have going out to dinner totally out of the question - and that puts the burden of 3 meals a day, every day, for years on me. Wow, totally don't sign me up. That isn't a realistic opinion.
Now, getting out and doing something physical is definitely a great plan - lots of kids have that extra energy and nowhere to expend it. Sometimes that might look like a discipline problem when really they just don't have the outlet to burn the energy. You are right on with that part.
While I don't want to be like that mom, at the same time, I don't want to take up the opposite extreme. I was in a similar situation observing a mom in a McDonalds who had four or five children with her (I don't know they were all hers or if some were friends), but her scolding her son was way more disruptive than his actual misbehavior. He wasn't even doing anything that bad. He was smearing his ketchup around with his french fry, but he was keeping it on his placemat and didn't get it on himself. He wasn't really bothering anyone. Maybe things were about to get worse, I don't know, but his mother made a horrible scene about how everyone in the restaurant was staring at him and thinking what a terrible little boy he was being. I wanted to scoop him up and give him a giant hug, because he just looked crushed while his mom went on and on about how awful he was. She frankly made HERSELF look like an idiot while her children were just being kids and weren't bothering anyone.
I don't count to three because I don't want to give Mycah UNTIL 3, ya know? If I say something she is to do it right then. I'll say "Do so and so" and she'll stand there. I'll say "Time out? 1." and if she still stands there is when I walk over to her and make her do what she was told, followed by a swat, and then put in time out." That's just how I do it. The other day I spanked her in public for the first time....there are levels to the terrible twos...ugh. Level 1- Mom grunts and stomps her feet. Level 2- Mom loses her hair. Level 3- Mom has a nervous breakdown lol. I didn't care what other people thought. Sure, I could be a bad mother for spanking my child in public (oh no!), or I could be the mother who did something about her behavior... I simply don't care what other people think. I'm not going to change the way I parent so if they don't like it they can either not look, get over it, or move to another spot. lol
The mother of the children I babysit talks to her children (two and four) like little adults. She tells them what she expects from them and if they disobey then time outs or serious talks ensue.
The whole wait til I tell your father about your behavior is kind of bogus, in my opinion. No wonder her kid is crawling all over and disrespecting her. I just posted about a misbehaving two year old and asked what to do and I sure as heck wouldn't let this fly. We'd have been out of that place in a flash if he acted like that...
But I feel for the mom. I've only got one son and he frazzles me from time to time. Who knows how their day had gone before they got to eat? Mom might have been holding her composure on a very, very fine line. I've been that mom, the mom who puts on the fake smile and just gets through it as best as possible until we can get the hell out and get home. Everyone has bad days. Just sayin...
I babysat 3 lil kids all under the age of like 6 when I was 13. Talk about no discipline. Their mom told me to make them whatever they want to eat, let them watch whatever, and don't intervene unless someone was bleeding. She yelled at me at the end of the night because I refused to let them eat pudding & ice cream for dinner. There was a 2 yr old boy, and two girls, 4 & 5. I made them mac & cheese instead cuz thats pretty much all they had & pudding for dessert. She refused to hire me again..O & the kids fought pretty much the whole time & wouldn't go to bed on time either..
Btw, I'm the girl who will (loudly) complain about how some parents do nothing in the way of disciplining their children..& how the rest of the world shouldn't be expected to do it for them.. Maybe it's mean, but it usually makes the parent take charge, at least for a lil bit..
@mz_d0rkabl3@xanga - I totally agree with you. Good moms at least a lot of them are terrified of someone calling social services. They are out of control and unfortunately I have heard way to many horror stories about them!
I explain to my children if they start acting out, I guess I don't explain I look them in the eyes and ask them if they want to go to the bathroom with me. They know what happens there if they do. I also use the shaming method and explain that either 5 or 3 is WAY TO OLD to act like that and it really works on my 3 year old if I compare her to a baby. She is reading and writing etc and CANT STAND TO BE TOLD THAT SHE IS ACTING LIKE A BABY. :P
I work in a pre-teen clothing store and sometimes I want to beat sense into the moms in the stores. They will let their 10 year old demand clothes and unnecessary accessories that are just going to end up being forgotten or spilled on the carpet later (like nail polish). I've had moms tell me, "Oh, I just came in here to buy a gift card for my daughter's friend" but they end up spending $500 at the register. I've seen moms say, "No more. Don't even think about asking for one more thing" and then their daughters wander away and say, "Mooooom, look at this! This is soooo cute." Mom will ask what size it is, daughter will have conveniently found her very own size, and mom will tell her to add it to the already heaping pile. Seriously. There is NO reason to spend $500 on clothes when your kid is just going to outgrow them in a few months. My parents didn't take me to those namebrand places like Limited Too. I got hand-me-downs and Target clothes. And you know what? They worked JUST FINE. These parents that I constantly encounter are just not in control. They let their kids (sometimes RUDELY) demand things and they just give in. Their kids are going to end up being completely self-entitled and will never know how to budget later in life because they're used to having mom and dad spend hundreds of dollars for their clothes. It's ridiculous.
Fear of being "reported" is a legitimate fear. But I think the bigger problem is parents who are afraid of "not being liked" by their children, of wanting to be "friends". Friendship with your children comes later, much later, I know, I have 4 grown children and one who is just 8. None of my children behaved that way in public. I would have gathered everything and everyone up and we would have left and that child would have gone home and gone to bed for a nap. The rest of us would have enjoyed our food in peace at home.
Have you raised a two year old yet? I wouldn't be so quick to judge. Plus you have NO idea about what this family's day had been like or what might be going on with her child that you don't know about. Frankly he sounds like a normal 2 year old and it was McDonald's not Morton's.
@Murphy_Rants@xanga - Yeah, most non-parents have tons of pet peeves about kids because their kids will be perfect, lol!
@bubbelcat - Ooooh, I know my kids will do many of the things that peeve me, but I hope I react to them in a way better than some of parents I've seen. But, I'll never know until I have them.