: The man that I'm supposed to trust and love unconditionally. The man that is supposed to protect me from all my fears and support me in any way that he can. The man that is supposed to make me believe that I am beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world. The first man I'm ever supposed to love.Daddy, that isn't you.
I don't blame you. For so many years growing up I did. For so many years I thought it was your fault, that you did it on purpose. For so many years I had to battle with the idea of living with a stranger, a man that did not understand me, did not love me, did not want to protect me. A man that I didn't trust, a man that didn't think I was beautiful. This man was, however, the first man I ever loved. This man was also the man that I love unconditionally. This man was you, Daddy.
Through the years of silence I began to think I hated you. And all those hours you would scream I began to think I hated you. Living with you but never talking to you made me think I hated you. You were never there for anything. And I hated you for it. I had to realize that you would never be there. You weren't going to show up to the future birthday parties, funerals, graduations, and family functions. And you didn't. And I hated you for it. I hated knowing that although you were only in the other room, a few feet away from me, we still haven't spoken in weeks. I hated that I had to explain to people why you were never there. I hated that people never knew you.I hated that while you were only inches from me you felt like you were miles away in another world.
I thought that you stopped loving me. That I wasn't good enough. I still remember being three years old running around in my underwear, climbing on you, laughing, while you were tickling me. I remember being the most amazing thing to you. I remember you holding me. I remember being perfect in your eyes. I thought it was all my fault. Then I realized that there's nothing wrong with me, so I started to blame you.But it wasn't your fault.
Daddy, I've come to peace with the fact that we don't talk. And I understand that you just are the way you are. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. All those years I thought I hated you, I really hated myself for not being close to you. I hated the silence, and the screaming, and the distance. And I still do. I'll never stop hating it. I'll never stop hating everything that we are. And although I'll never say it to you, and although you'll never say it back:I love you, Daddy.
Have you ever struggled with expressing your feelings to your parents?