Part One.Father: The man that I'm supposed to trust and love unconditionally. The man that is supposed to protect me from all my fears and support me in any way that he can. The man that is supposed to make me believe that I am beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world. The first man I'm ever supposed to love.
Daddy, that isn't you. I don't blame you. For so many years growing up I did. For so many years I thought it was your fault, that you did it on purpose. For so many years I had to battle with the idea of living with a stranger, a man that did not understand me, did not love me, did not want to protect me. A man that I didn't trust, a man that didn't think I was beautiful. This man was, however, the first man I ever loved. This man was also the man that I love unconditionally.
This man was you, Daddy. Through the years of silence I began to think I hated you. And all those hours you would scream I began to think I hated you. Living with you but never talking to you made me think I hated you. You were never there for anything. And I hated you for it. I had to realize that you would never be there. You weren't going to show up to the future birthday parties, funerals, graduations, and family functions. And you didn't. And I hated you for it. I hated knowing that although you were only in the other room, a few feet away from me, we still haven't spoken in weeks. I hated that I had to explain to people why you were never there. I hated that people never knew you.
I hated that while you were only inches from me you felt like you were miles away in another world.I thought that you stopped loving me. That I wasn't good enough. I still remember being three years old running around in my underwear, climbing on you, laughing, while you were tickling me. I remember being the most amazing thing to you. I remember you holding me. I remember being perfect in your eyes. I thought it was all my fault. Then I realized that there's nothing wrong with me, so I started to blame you.
But it wasn't your fault.Daddy, I've come to peace with the fact that we don't talk. And I understand that you just are the way you are. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. All those years I thought I hated you, I really hated myself for not being close to you. I hated the silence, and the screaming, and the distance. And I still do. I'll never stop hating it. I'll never stop hating everything that we are. And although I'll never say it to you, and although you'll never say it back:
I love you, Daddy.Have you ever struggled with expressing your feelings to your parents?
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Comments (4)
Just say those three words to your father. One day you'll regret not saying them. Just say Dad? And when he looks at you, just tell him you love him. And walk out of the room.
You'll change a lot in the years to come. And that small opening that you could offer could possible make your relationship with your father, in the future, something worth having.
And if not? At least you let him know how you feel.
This post was very sad to me. My father has never wanted to be a part of my life, I feel like a never-ending failure in his eyes. I am super competitive with sports and grades in college because of always wanting to please him. But it never works. And I've never loved my father. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old, so I've never even had a relationship with him. I live in Ohio and he lives in Florida. Even though he has tons of money he has only visited me twice in 18 years. I've been forced to visit once a year for almost 10 years now. I hate it.
I'm in a similar situation you are in, kind of.
I don't ever remember my dad hugging me, kissing me, or saying "I love you" ever in my life, even as a little kid. And I remember always wanting him to hug me. But he did do other little things to show he loved me though, once in a while. That's why, even now, whenever he acknowledges me or shows even a little bit of affection, I get teary eyed. I love him so much.My parents divorced when i was 3 years old and i used to get jealous when i saw those other kids played and get picked up at school with their dads. And how they would complained about their dads not letting them go out wearing too short skirts and I was like 'Are you kidding me??' At least u have a loving dad in your house who care about you! My dad is a reserved one, we do not really talk, we rarely meet. But whenever we do or when that 1 time he patted my head I almost cried because i didn't really expect it from him and I will always remember that moment. I just love him so much, I wish he'd knew.