Thursday, 01 July 2010
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Stay-at-Home Mom Complaints...
For the most part, I don't really mind being a homemaker. No one tells me what to do. I'm on no particular schedule. If I don't feel like doing laundry today, I don't have to. That's all pretty awesome, honestly. I didn't work out so well in corporate America, anyway. I don't really like having a boss.
But picking up exactly the same things each and every day for almost two years now?
It gets mighty tedious.
Back when I was contributing to our income, there was a lot more help being tossed my way. I guess it makes sense. I'm home all of the time. These things should fall to me. But I think picking up your wet towel off of the floor in the bedroom goes beyond what my job entails, you know?
It's a good thing he's gone by the time I discover this towel. It a blind moment of rage I could possible choke him with it and kill him. (Kidding, btw. I'm not out to off my guy. He's all right, despite the towel drama.)
It just seems that I'm taken for granted. I clean up, constantly, after a two year old and two fat, hairy cats that I hate. Now I have to pick up after a 29 year old, too? And when I mention it, he just brushes it off.
I know he works long hours. But my days start sooner than his and end later than his. He gets to come home from work and hang out. I'm making dinner, washing dishes, trying to make the next day easier on me by getting some of it done before.
I sort of want a job. Just so I don't have to do everything around the house. Isn't that awful? I just feel like everything I do around this place is completely futile. Why should I scrub the floor when my son will absolutely spill something sticky right where I mopped fifteen minutes later?
And it's impossible to get it through my guy's skull that I don't want children eating or drinking in the living room because it creates more mess for me. It's all well and good until Daddy wants to watch something on TV while he eats. Mama's rule is gone out the window. And kool-aid is on the hardwood that I just mopped.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a cleaning nazi. I'm all about a house looking lived in. It gives it charm. And well, life's full of cooler stuff than a sparkling clean house. But I have five living creatures generating messes in my home and only one doing anything to make it better.
I am sick of cat food and hair and litter, and cats in general. I'd gladly give away both of these cats with no remorse. Isn't that just wrong? Ugh. `
I also detest doing dishes. We've only lived in a place with a dishwasher one time in all of our years of cohabitation. It was short lived. Since having a child, dishes seem to breed in the sink. It's one of those mysteries, I suppose. Two cups equals ten within minutes. I wish I could go against my whole trying to preserve earth mentality and just use paper plates and plastic forks. The dishes, sadly, only fall on me. In the nine months that we've lived here, I have washed every dish every time. There's never an offer for help. There's been more than one suggestion of it. I get nothing. I could be more aggressive and get my way. I know that. He takes a little nagging but he'll do whatever you want him to do. But I don't want to nag. I'd rather just stop making dinner for him or something. Or stop doing his laundry. Just exclude him. I don't really know what it would prove other than, HEY! If you don't help, you can do for yourself. I know that he pays for everything but that doesn't make me his freakin' maid.
And I'm not some crazy, shopping fiend spending all of his money. We go to the grocery store once a week and spend the same amount each week. I'm growing a giant garden of veggies so we have fresh stuff instead of store bought. I mow our grass and I'm raising our son. I don't get a paycheck. I have to ask for flippin' lunch money if I want to hit up McD's while we're out doing our mother/son stuff.
I don't want to shed him in a controlling light. He's really not. And, financially, I'm a trainwreck. If you give me $20, I'll need $5, at least, because I have zero idea how to budget money. I get why he won't just hands me large sums of cash at a time. I'll spend it. It was decided, long ago, that he's better with the bulk of the money and I'm good with small doses. I'm very good at paying bills and reminding him to do so. I'm involved in our finances. I'm just not in control and for that, we have a place to live, food to eat, air conditioning, water and all the luxuries that make living in America grand.
I think I just needed to vent a little. I don't like complaining about my guy in real life. He's a pretty top notch guy. Even when he makes me crazy, I love him. He makes me smile all of the time and he's my best friend. That=really cool.
Can some of you other moms relate? Have you ever felt under-appreciated and overworked? How do you cope?
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- From: bloggermama@xanga
- Name: bloggermama
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Comments (56)
I totally get where you're coming from. But your guy could at least mow!!! Come on!
Don't worry, I think we all feel like that sometimes (or oftentimes). But seriously, tell him to mow the yard...at least the manly chores he should be able to handle.
I sometimes see my very pregnant neighbor outside pulling weeds and I wanna go smack her husband...we women can handle a lot of things, but come on, guy, pull your weight! 
My husband is pretty darn awesome but he can get a little lazy at times. He DID wash the dishes for me last night though...although I am 9 months pregnant and it had been at least 6 months since the last time he did it. 
Amen sister. I refuse to pick up his dirty clothes. I have vacuumed around them. Staying home does get tedious. At least we have a dishwasher.
I actually feel just like that today! Our job NEVER ends, it goes all night long (I have a newborn, boy #3). When I'm sick, I don't get a "sick day". When he's sick, he gets to stay home and sleep ALL DAY LONG until he's better. When he comes home from work, he relaxes. If I ask him to do something, he will...b/c he knows if I have to ask then I'm really peeved about having to do it for the millionth time. He was better right when the baby was born...but now that all restrictions have been removed, he's kinda stopped. I do have to remember that he working a lot of extra hours right now b/c it's a busier season for his job, but I still think he can contribute.
And I am so SICK OF LAUNDRY!
Okay, my rant is over. I feel exactly like you do, minus the cats LOL.
Girl... I feel you. I have a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 4 month old. I love my children and husband to death, but this homemaker thing is driving me nuts. I've recently started looking for a job. It's so unfair though because the jobs that want me pays not even half of what my husband makes. But that's besides the point. How I look at it is that maybe if we share the same responsibilities than we can better appreciate each other. The one thing I fear though is that even still, I come home to a pile of laundry, dishes, or toys and clothes all over the house - which happens all the time when it's just him and the kids.
But yeah... your man should at least do the manly stuff. My man takes out the garbage, mows, and waters the grass, etc. He tries, and I guess I should give him that, but still... I'm not digging this homemaker thing too much right now.
Holy cow, I can so relate to the cat thing. My cats were my kids before there was actually a kid. Now they irritate me to no end. That's not just wrong!
Do you have anything that you do just for yourself? A hobby or a project? I know time is already short as it is, but I'm totally convinced that this is the secret to NOT going crazy as a SAHM. I was terrified to give up my career and stay home (I used to never want kids, but after I married my husband I realized I did want kids and wanted one of us to be home to raise them). The best piece of advice other SAHM gave me was to keep a piece of yourself and your identity. MAKE time for yourself, because if you're not taking care of yourself, you can't take care of them properly, either.
I took up sewing just before my son was born (this, amongst everything else, totally freaked out most of my family and friends) and this has been my biggest outlet. I carve out a few hours a week to work on something I enjoy, and once a month my husband takes our son for 4 hours on a Saturday when I get together with other women for a sew day. The weeks I make sure I get some time for me, I'm in such a good mood and little things roll off my back. The weeks I let my sewing projects suffer, it's like everything is under a microscope and someone's going to pay!
My personal struggle is not letting myself get too secluded from the rest of the world. It's a lot of pressure on my husband if he's my only source of conversation or stimulation (verbally, I mean!!).
Your husband is the homemaker. With what money did you earn to make that home? It takes earning money to make a home. YOU didn't make that home. He did. He is the true homemaker. You can't make a home without an income. But both of you should share the cleaning responsibilities. He is the true maker of that home.
Stay-at-home moms are often taken for granted. Try going on strike and see what happens ;)
@gibson_1118@xanga - Lol, whut? A homemaker is one who handles most of the household responsibilities, not the one who purchases the "home." At that point it's just a house, but she is the one transforming it into a home by cooking, cleaning, and raising their son.
@gibson_1118@xanga - I was under the impression that a home was made by a family. Two people, or more, who love one another and want to share the same space. I had NO idea that making a home had to do with how much money someone brought home each week.
But, hey, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm really glad I don't see things the way that you do, though. Home is more than money.
@gibson_1118@xanga - He bought a HOUSE. She made the HOME. Big difference.
As for the post. Yes, I can so relate. As for getting a job...it won't help at this point because he has become used to you doing it all. Oh yes, we tried that. We work much better together when I can be home.
@gibson_1118@xanga -
Main Entry: home·mak·er
Pronunciation: \ˈhōm-ˌmā-kər\Function: nounDate: 1876: one who manages a household especially as a wife and motherMerriam-Webster. Use it.Making a home clean is everyone's responsibility who lives in a home. How unfair is it to have one person clean up everyone else's mess, and clean the dog, feed the cat, fold towels, water the plants, find dinner, and manage children all in one day? Whoa buddy, no way. Marriage is not that way in reality. Equal mates do equal share of household duties.
@bloggermama@xanga - Love does make a home and a family. That share equal duties and responsibilities! A woman cannot make a home! Builders can though! They have the money to make them! ;) And build them! Point is, no money, no house making. How silly to call women a homemaker when they cannot in reality, make them by even building them. Another point, if a woman in life can't even take care of herself first, she isn't well equipped to take care of a husband or a child. Therefore no money, no providing a home for her husband. If a man has no money, same thing. No money, can't make a home for his wife.
Homemakers are income makers. They are providers! Sad, so many people are deceived by thinking folding towels, and cleaning, makes a home! No!
I'm a realist, not a role player.
@RoAngie467 - Homemakers are providers. It takes an income, not one but usually two to make a home. It takes two. It takes love, devotion, hard work, from two people to make a home. Homemakers are providers, providing an income. Takes lots of hard earned money to make a home. Wow, am I in that movie pleasantville? Get real! That was just a movie! It's make believe! So was I love lucy! Takes money for someone to make a home for their spouse and their family. It takes somebody's money. I can't just magically fold a towel, clean a floor and say bam! I just made you a home! What nonsense! Now, unless I worked my part time job and bought the living room furniture, and payed next month's light bill, so we could have lights! Then yes, I can say then, I made you a home for you to come home to at night. So you could see. Because I payed next month's light bill for you. Just as my spouse did the exact same thing, only with the gas bill, so that I could come home to him at night, him making me a warm home to come to at night. Because he payed next month's gas bill for me. Making me a home as well as I make him a home. In reality, a home maker is an income maker, a provider. It takes love, devotion, team work, and hard work to make a home. Skills to pay the bills so your loved one's can have a home.
@radicalsounds@xanga - Homemakers are providers. It takes an income, not one but usually two to make a home. Shouldn't go by a book or what a dictionary says. How foolish it is to rely on man's definitions. Read God's defintions. He will tell you what a homemaker is. If I lived by the dictionary, I would have to be the dumbest person in the world.
@gibson_1118@xanga - ...in my 18 years of Catholic schooling, they apparently managed to skip over the appendices of the Bible that have specific definitions contrary to commonly attributed meanings. Or...do you have your very own special Bible? It's been a few years so I could be rusty, I admit. Or maybe you got that memo directly from the Big Guy. He must've stopped CC'ing me on those.
And you're right. You'd have to be the dumbest person in the world...to use words in context and within their appropriate meanings. I mean, it's like people would actually think you knew what you were talking about or something! LOLZ HOW DUMB RITE?!
I'm not saying you don't have a valid point buried beneath all that pretension - it does take effort on both sides. That I will give you. But you cannot ignore the universally accepted (well...apparently not, but you're the first dissenter I've encountered) definition of a word and claim someone is lying by using it. That doesn't make a bit of sense. I'm sure you're very important and special and precious, but that does not mean you can change accepted definitions whenever and however it suits you. If you'd like to be a self-righteous ass to someone due to something they wrote, that is absolutely your right, but it would be beneficial to everyone involved if you took the time to learn the English language and apply it correctly when speaking or writing.
Oh, and God says that's true, too.
@radicalsounds@xanga - The english language version of a home maker was probably a man. Proving himself to be quite a dreamer. I'm a realist and do find that referring to a book of defintions is foolish for me to live by. How unwise I would be in life. Is nothing more than man's perceptions of knowledge. But how naive man can be.
Um I think it's illegal for him not to give you any money.
@radicalsounds@xanga - Listen, learn, and understand real life......
It was the english men who promoted slavery, it was the english who told women they were worthless by telling women they can't vote and work. So, reality is I don't live by the english language and their lack of morality to women years ago, and the degrading of humans they started years ago with slavery. So, again, how unwise I would be if I lived by the english language and their principles. Who actually looks to the english language for wisdom? It's origins!! To live by?!!!! Ha, get some sense!
Wow, men really can't fold their own towels, clean up their own messes in the house, manage a household. Hmm....if women can do it, I think men can figure it out too. May take em longer to figure out, but.........We shall see! I guess that's why that definition is there. To prove how lazy a man can be in the home. So he has to make someone else do it. For shame.....
And then he writes it in a dictionary for dummies to read cause he can't manage a house and clean up after himself or even feed himself dinner on his own? And I'm supposed to live by Webster's knowlege!!!!??? What a dummy I would be! I'm glad I don't!!
Get real man. Home makers are providers who make an effort as a team player to make a home, a home. Teamwork. Takes love, devotion, hard work, and usually two incomes to make a home. Today it takes equal share of incomes. Equally sharing responsibilities and all house duties. Takes money to provide and make a home. A team working family unit who all pitch in. Who actually has an income. Get real man......get out of the dictionary and get into real life. Get some sense man...
@kpsmom3@xanga - She can't "make" a home if she doesn't have an income. Making a home takes lots and lots of money these days. Nobody can "make" a home unless they pay for the funtion of that home, such as utility bills, grocery bills, paying for food to have on her husbands table, paying for at least half of a gas bill to provide heat for her husband to make a home warm for him to come home to. That is a home maker....the husband making a home for his wife as well...paying his share of his income in making a home for his wife. So she can come home to a nice warm home on a cold night. It takes money to make a home!! Those towels that are washed everyday for her husband to have? She needs an income to make those towels clean everyday!! Laundry detergent and soaps are not free! No one can just "make" a home tidy, until they have an income first. It takes money to "make" a home. Buying the cleaning tools, the dishwasher, the laundry detergent, the cooking utensils, it takes money for those things to make that home clean! One is not a homemaker until they can provide those things financially, using them to make that home tidy and clean. That goes for a man or a woman.
I can't just fold laundry all day and say, I made you this. I made you a home today by doing this for you. When I never payed for it from my own hard work. Even though that would be a nice gesture out of love from me because it's a house duty that we all must do, but.....that's not what makes a homemaker. That's not making a home for you. That's nonsense...now, if I saw the washer was broken and knew that my payday had just arrived that day, I can provide you with beautiful clean brand new towels for the week by purchasing some new ones, until I payed someone to help fix the broken washer or even buy a new one so that you can have clean towels! Then I can say I made you a home. But.....I just cannot NOT provide financially and say I made this home for you. That would be dishonest to say that I made a home for you, when I didn't earn money by providing you with those things that make the home function. Even if I had bought that home for you, I was the one that made that home for you! Even If I had bought you all the cleaning supplies that we needed to keep it clean, still...I am still the one who made that home for you.
Wow...interesting conversation going on in the comments here...
But anyway, back to the post and the OP's question. Yes, I do often feel taken for granted and overworked. I don't know any SAHM that doesn't feel that way at least some of the time. It's a lot of work raising children, taking care of the house, the pets, the plants, etc. It's a thankless, payless job we mothers have. I definitely feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. The only way I stay sane is by taking five minute "time outs" for myself when I feel like I'm going to blow my top. I step outside on the patio for five minutes and just focus on breathing and looking at the pretty landscaped woods right next to our apartment complex. Then, I step back inside and deal with whatever chaos has ensued while I was gone.
And what it is with men and their dirty clothes... Is it really that hard to throw them in the laundry basket?
@gibson_1118@xanga - What we have here is a semantic debate.