Wednesday, 26 May 2010
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Your Parents Will Love You a Little Less
Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, no matter what kind of flaws they hold, or what kind of mistakes they're bound to make in their lifetime of opportunities. I don't think that there is a single Mother or Father out there who doesn't swear left, down and diagonally that they will always love and care for their child(ren) through everything.
Honestly, I challenge you to find a parent who tells you that they will not love their child always and unconditionally. It would be almost the same as our Prime Minister telling us everything is going to be all right in the middle of a war. No parents do not in fact love their kids regardless of all things, and no everything wouldn't be okay.However, reading and looking through all sorts of xanga posts, and posts elsewhere as well, it looks to me as if a parent's love is all just a mythical legend. It is just an idea or concept that parents have developed over the years purely because they assume that their child will be the perfect one, and until said child makes a mistake the parent doesn't realize that there are qualities and mistakes that will make them love their child a little less. When in fact, below I have listed six of the reasons a parent may love their child a little less as opposed to loving them always.
Religion:
In some families religion is what connects them to one another, and in some religions if you go outside of your views and faith you can be excommunicated from your family or your church, even if you haven't done something wrong. Having sex before marriage, loving someone of the same gender, loving another God, believing that there is no God. Most cases of Parents not showing as much love for their children when it comes to religion, is when the child finds that they do not support the same religion of the generations before them and instead believe something else. For example: A Catholic family and a son/daughter who believes in Scientology. Not only does it go as far as to say that they won't love him as much because of it, but they also will lose any respect they had for that child because they will see it as childish and silly - as opposed to being proud of a child who was capable of not following the crowd.
Disabilities:
This one speaks mostly for itself. Unfortunately, "Some 200 million children, meaning 10% of the world's youth are born with a disability or become disabled before the age of 18". Apart from guaranteed social exclusion - children with disabilities are special and they have special needs - this doesn't make them any less lovable. Some parents feel detached from their children with a disability because they struggle to provide and to care for the child, a lot of times finding it extremely hard to handle and unworth all of the difficulties. For example: A child with autism, they need structure and obedience and often times they have fits that result in uncontrollable behaviour. Mothers and Fathers of children with disabilities rarely care much for that child at all, let alone see them as their child - instead most parents see them as a burden in need of constant supervision. Another example: There was a post on xanga a while ago about a woman who aborted her child because she found it was going to be disabled. Again, parents will find reasons to love their child a little less - even if they weren't looking.
The Divorce Parent Effect:
Now this one I kind of find amusing, when it comes to divorce Mom and Dad are always on opposing sides, rarely is it ever a nice occurrence to sit through a divorce. Generally the home life of a child is going to be difficult going back and forth, in some cases the child is forced to stay at one home as opposed to the other. For example: the child is deemed to live with their mother by the court. What the court doesn't realize is that if the Mother feels hatred towards the father or any negative emotions really, such as hurt, indifference, Anger - those emotions will come out when the child displays qualities of the other parents. For example, the child is acting like his father, mother notices the similarities and all of those hoarded emotions spiral onto the child. This is one of the more sad cases of "Parents loving their child a little less because the child resembles the biological DNA of his Father."
Personality Flaws:
It's an everyday occurrence, parents discovering that their children aren't in fact perfect, or angels from some other dimension that they had created in their mind. For example, a child who isn't exactly a "Straight A" student, and instead finds themselves in mischief as opposed to English Class. Another example could be a parent who finds that their child isn't living up to their Godly expectations. Unfortunately the latter is what I grew up with, "Melissa, an A is not an A+" All parents have great and unattainable hopes, dreams and expectations for their children, sometimes they even have the gull to place their own dreams on said child. If the children don't seem to be living up to the expectations placed upon them at birth to be perfect than a parent is going to feel resentment, they are going to feel as though the child has betrayed them in some form or another and will in fact begin to love that child a little less because they realize that the child isn't anything special. Even if they are very special.
Inconvenience:
In several if not many cases of parental hatred, the parent blames the child for some reason or another. Maybe the child's existence was an inconvenience from the start but there were no other options. A lot of parents can't accept blame for some of their own mistakes and failures so when it comes time to "point the finger" they place all of those negative thoughts and depictions on said child. Leaving the parent to eventually convince themselves that it was in fact the child who is to blame for why they have no money, or no food, or no significant other in their lives. When in all honesty - it wasn't in fact the child's fault, but the child will also grow to believe that it was in fact them that burdened their family. Making of course, the parent love their child a little less, or not at all.
Jealously:
Sounds kind of ridiculous doesn't it? A Mother, father, or guardian jealous of their own flesh and blood? Sadly enough it is true and it does in fact impact the relationship between said parent and child. No relationship whether family or otherwise oriented can sustain a jealous threshold. In many cases, a mother become jealous because the daughter she finds is far more beautiful and/or talented than she is or ever was. In the case of a Father becoming jealous, it is usually due to the son or daughter becoming more successful than he. In one case in 2003 a mother, Terri Milbrandt, decided to tell her daughter that she had Leukemia, out of spite and greed. Sources say it looked like she did it purely for the money, where as Psychiatrists find it to be an underlining jealousy in her relationship with her daughter. Another case of a Parent loving their child a little less.
Homosexuality:
This is a BIG one. I'm purely stating the obvious, a lot of parents find out and immediately the child because homeless and without the love of a parent. Apparently, being who you are isn't going to make your Mother or Father love you, and I realize many people, more so parents or parental figures will defend themselves by stating that they are not a statistic and in fact they say: "I won't be like that with my child" or, "I don't care who they sleep with".When they tell you they are gay and like sleeping with men, and you have either accepted it then you may come to me and tell me you are still okay with it. 26% of LGBTQ youth report being kicked out because of their parents reaction or disappointment towards their sexuality. 56% of parents admit that they will or have kicked their child out of the house if they were to come to them about their sexual orientation. That is beyond the majority of parents. Looks like these parents are going to love their child a little less.
So there you have it. Parents won't necessarily love a child unconditionally. When you hear someone saying "I will always love my son/daughter no matter what", "They could never do anything wrong i my eyes", "I could care less what they do with their lives so long as they're happy" I wish that were the case, "So Long as their happy" but it never is. So I can't stand when people swear to be different and to love always and whole-heartedly, because they aren't necessarily telling the truth. Liars aren't very likable, especially when it comes to the likes of innocent children.
What do you think of parents incapable of truly loving their children? Do you think that your parents in some way, fall under one of these categories? If so, list them.
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About the Author
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- From: BreakingArizona@xanga
- Name: BreakingArizona
- About Me: Wow, so obviously I'm going to assume someone is actually interested in knowing me. To be blunt, which happens to be one of my greatest assets - The only thing you need to know about me is that I love to write, especially when it comes to voicing my own opinions. I like Honesty.
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Comments (41)
Okay, admittedly I didn't get past the disability one, so that will be the only one I am commenting on. I think I get what you are saying, but you made it seem so generalized and that just isn't the case.
Not every parent of a child with a disability is incapable of loving their child. I am one of those very proud mom's and know several others just like me that love our children with every ounce of our souls, disability or not.
My beautiful daughter (the one in the picture) is loved beyond reason. Not only do her father and I adore her, her siblings think she hung the moon and the stars.
Again, I get the point you are making, but I just disagree with;
"Mothers and Fathers of children with disabilities rarely care much for that child at all, let alone see them as their child - instead most parents see them as a burden in need of constant supervision."
That is NOT the norm in my world and I happen to live in the world with a disabled child.
@gwacemom - Your daughter is so cute.
Wow. Spoken like someone without children.
Do the above things happen? I'm sure. But I don't think they're the "rule" but rather the exception.
As @gwacemom - said, that is definitely not the rule with disabled children. I've known my share of parents with disabled children and they all loved them immensely. Did/do they become stressed out on occasion? Sure. We. all. do. Does that mean we actually love our children any less? Absolutely not. It means that we are human.
i dont think that my parents fall into any of these categories and i hope that i do not as well. i think that my parent happen to love me no matter what and i hope that i love my son the same way. the homosexuality one is funny for me b/c if i told my mom i was a lesbian her first question would have been "will you still have babies?" she wanted a grandchild so bad thats all she would want to know. i have seen some of these happen to friends and that is one reason i hope to not fall into any of these categories with my son
@filtered_sunlight -LOL, I stirred the pot...I couldn't help it.
What an idiotic post. Really, I don't think I've read anything that is so very far from the truth.
I have a daughter with autism. I love, cherish and care for her in the same way that I care for my neurotypical son. She may have to go through different medical procedures and therapies than my son, but I don't treat her any differently. And I definitely vehemently disagree with the comment that @gwacemom quoted - "Mothers and Fathers of children with disabilities rarely care much for that child at all, let alone see them as their child - instead most parents see them as a burden in need of constant supervision." That is not true at ALL. I know many parents who have children with disabilities and they would NEVER say or demonstrate anything like that. We fight for our kids to have the best life possible. We have rough days, but we don't take it out on our children, if that's what you're implying.
I will accept my children for who they are, love them for who they are. If my son tells me when he's a teenager that he's gay, guess what? I don't care. I'll be sad if my children decide to not follow the same religious beliefs as I do, but will I hate them/disown them, etc.? No way. I will love them all the same. And there's a good chance that I will end up caring for my daughter even when she is an adult. Guess what? I'm a parent - I signed up for more than just 18 years.
This post is crazy... Do you actually have kids?
I know there are some pretty shitty parents out there, but me personally, and every one I know, could never love their child any less, for any reason.
If my child committed murder, I would still love him or her, unconditionally. Sure, I wouldn't like it. But hey, that is my child.
I couldn't care less what my child looked like, or what her IQ was, if she suffered from a disablity or if she came out and said "Mum I'm a big lesbian, this is my girlfriend."
There could never be ANY reason in this whole entire universe why I would love my child 'a little less'. No way. Being a parent is all about unconditonal love, and I think it's offensive that some people would believe that parents could love thier child less because of a physical or emotional flaw. The sad thing is, is that there are actually parents out there who do. But I'm not and no one I know is....
Ohhh except my father actually. He bashed my sister because she got her nose pierced and "stopped loving her." In fact, I'm pretty sure he never loves us anyway. Otherwise the emotional and physical abuse he forced on us would have never happened. But hey, that's a whole other story.....
And in response to you saying that parents lie about saying they would love their child unconditionally, my above comment is NOT a lie. Thank You very much!!!
just wait til you have kids.. then you will see how silly this post is.
People who don't have kids would see your points as reasons for loving their children less.
People WITH children would see them as things that make their children the special people they are. They are not "deal breakers", they are just parts of people.
Honestly, get your head out of your hind end.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Better yet, CHILDREN of the PARENTS who have disowned, kicked them out, abused, sexually molested, religiously banned or murdered their child, would most definately disagree.
I'm glad so many people can honestly say they love their kids no matter what. But I think the point the OP was trying to make is that there are some parents who honestly can't see past the above things and it changes how they feel about their kids.
I always wondered if I was a disappointment to my mother. She never said I was or even acted like it, but she waited until she was 34 to have me, which was a long time back then, and she ended up with a weirdo with no social skills for a kid. She always said she loved me and acted like it, but I always wondered if she wished she'd gotten a normal kid after she had to wait such a long time to have one.
@EccentricSiren@xanga - I can understand that, if she didn't put these statements in the post:
"No parents do not in fact love their kids regardless of all things"
"It looks to me as if a parent's love is all just a mythical legend. It is just an idea or concept that parents have developed over the years purely because they assume that their child will be the perfect one, and until said child makes a mistake the parent doesn't realize that there are qualities and mistakes that will make them love their child a little less."
"So there you have it. Parents won't necessarily love a child unconditionally. When you hear someone saying "I will always love my son/daughter no matter what", "They could never do anything wrong i my eyes", "I could care less what they do with their lives so long as they're happy" I wish that were the case, "So Long as their happy" but it never is. So I can't stand when people swear to be different and to love always and whole-heartedly, because they aren't necessarily telling the truth. Liars aren't very likable, especially when it comes to the likes of innocent children."
So anyone who says that they love their kids unconditionally is automatically a liar, according to the OP. Great news coming from someone who I don't think is a parent herself. Yes, there are crappy people out there who should never be parents. That doesn't mean that we all are.
@BreakingArizona@xanga - All those things listed are errant behaviors and cannot be a window to the parenting world. It's like if you lived in a hospital you would think everyone is sick and dying 100% of the time. When in reality, it's just that that is the demographic of a group of people you are around. They are not all that exist and are in fact the minority of a much bigger picture.
Do I think I, or anyone, can love perfectly. No I don't. No one is perfect, everyone has a flaw, everyone has a moment. But I do believe that unconditional love exists and even abounds. There is nothing my kids could do that would change the fact that I love them with all of my heart. Not one thing. Even if they were the next mass murderers that would not change my love. It would change the relationship, not the love. Love isn't always bliss, it can sometimes be painful, and I think that would be the case if something extreme were to happen.
And I assume that is your point here - behavior which is extreme can prove that unconditional love doesn't exist.
I don't agree with that point.
The love would always be there. The way it could be expressed might change in the event of extremes.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - "It would change the relationship, not the love." VERY well stated!!
@BreakingArizona@xanga - Those would be people with serious mental healthy issues. Except in the case of religion...and that's not necessarily the parents not loving their child, but their religion, period. I'm not religious, so I don't even begin to prehend how one goes about being in the position of having to choose between God and their child, but I don't imagine that it's an easy one or that it terminates the parents' love for their child. How does that translate into all parents not really loving their kids for one reason or another??
And, as humans, how we think people feel about us and how they truly feel? Are often two different things. Not everyone shows their feelings in the same manner.
I personally hope you don't ever have children while you maintain this mindset. You're setting yourself up to NOT love your children. I would love my children unconditionally, as my parents loved me unconditionally. And I have 4 of your 7 traits that would make me an undesirable (in your eyes) child. My parents love me despite my disability, despite my religious beliefs, despite my personality flaws, and despite the inconvenience those things have caused to them. As an adult, I see my parents at least weekly, and talk to them almost every day. They're wonderful parents.
do not mistake, disagreement or dislike of a behavior for not loving a child. You can love your child without limit and absolutely hate what they are doing or how they are living.
As for a disability, we all have them. No human is perfect. We all have some sort of "defect" whether it be emotional, physical, mental, whatever. That in no way would keep a parent from loving their child nor would it cause the parent to love their child less.
This is just a ridiculous post.
You very obviously do not have children.
I do think there are people out there who do not unconditionally love their offspring, however these people are not parents.
I DO have children, I have been a child, I have seen parents who push away their children for some of the reasons above, and I do understand where the OP is coming from. The point is not that every single parent would do so. In fact most of the narrow minded folks who would also would not bother to be online or reading about how to be a better parent. Quite likely the OP has been rejected or seen someone close rejected and felt the need to call attention to just how wrong and cruel that behavior is. It may not be a piece of literary genius, but it is not Obvious that the person has no children or any other aspect of their life.
I think the way this post was stated could have been done a bit better. The way you're coming off is that this is some sort of standard in the parenting world, and it's just not. None of these things, or any other, would ever cause me to love my child less. Sure, there are extremes like murder and the sort that would make me frown upon their actions, and I would definitely let them know, but my love for them would remain just as strong... it would just bring me sadness instead of the happiness one would hope for.
As for some of the things listed here, our baby is already being born into a household where we don't both follow the same religion, and both our religions are very different from most of the people around us. Our baby is also already being born into a household where both parents are bisexual, one of which has participated in pushing LGBT rights as actively as they can. Disabilities? I almost did not even get the test done to find out if we were in the risk area for such things because I plan to have and love our baby even if s/he does end up being disabled. Sure, it means things will be a little rougher, but I can handle that for my little one. Divorce? Not once did this ever cause issues in my family, despite a number of divorces and remarriages... and, though I hope it would never happen in the first place, there would be no reason for it to cause issues for our child, either. One expects their child to have traits from their mother and father. If you didn't want that, you shouldn't have decided to have a baby with that person. Personality flaws? Hell, I've got tons of them. To expect my child to be any different would be ludicrous. And as for Inconvenience and jealousy? A parent should always be wishing the best for their child, and it is our job to do everything we can to make sure they have the best life we can give them. Of course, I don't mean working nonstop in order to spoil them beyond belief... but as far as a good, healthy, happy life in which they can flourish and chase their goals and dreams... If providing that causes someone to be jealous or feel inconvenienced, I return to the idea that that person should not have opened themselves to the responsibility of having a child.
Now, I can definitely see where there are people out there who fall into what you have posted about here. But it is most definitely not the every-day... and to say that anyone who claims they will always love their child, no matter what, is a liar is a very blanketed and blind statement.
All of you talking down to this person because she does not have children need to shut up, because I've read just as many blogs of parents themselves admitting they do not love their children as much for the majority of the reasons listed here. This person IS on to something, there are parents like this. I'm so tired of everyone using "You don't have children" as a defense when they don't agree with something.
The only thing I disagree with about this post is the over-generalization, and the inappropriate use of "most", as in "most parents" - I don't think that this is the standard but it remains true that there ARE parents out there who do love their children less because of these things. Just because you have children and can't imagine something like this ever being true doesn't change that.
There are a lot of offended loving parents here. But I know a lot of people who's parents don't love them, don't support them, and have nothing to do with their lives. If all parents loved their kids, then why are so many kids put into the foster system, never taken in by any family? Why are there so many abandoned children? In my high school there was a program for kids with disabilities. None of them had families and they all lived in the program house together. The only people who took care of them were the program people...a lot of them were much older than high school students too, and as soon as they look suspiciously too old to be in high school they just live at the program house. There are a lot of loving, wonderful parents, but then again there are too many parents who do not love their children enough.
Yep. My mom played favorites. This post is not pc, but it has some element of truth to it. MOST parents love their children, but some do not. Have you not seen news stories of child abuse? Those parents didn't start their lives saying, "I'm going to abuse my children, because it sounds fun." No, they found an excuse, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to others, and preceded from there. Everything listed above has been used as such an excuse!
You don't know how on the money you are with this post. I have always felt like my mother doesn't love me. Yet she says she does. Parents aren't infallible beings who are capable of being completely non-judgmental, jealous, manipulative, and selfish. It is totally possible for a parent to not love their child at all. Just because someone is capable of giving birth to a baby, doesn't make them a parent.
When children say their parents don't love them, society shuts them up. Parents immediately get the benefit of the doubt. Then, the child's feelings are manipulated into believing something that isn't true. The danger here is, the child will learn that negligence and abuse is "love". I'm your case in point. The child will also grow up doubting if they can ever trust their own thoughts and feelings. It's just a long road to nowhere.
Thank you so much for writing this!!!
@BohemianLotus@xanga - I'm guessing you don't have children either. It's kind of like being in a war. If you haven't experienced it, you aren't going to understand it.
like =/= love.
All these things might make a parent LIKE a child less. But I think this is different from love, by a long shot.
You're generalizing an awful lot. You're saying parents can't love unconditionally, these things WILL make a parent love a child less. There are of course worthless parents who do NOT love their children. But I believe most do. And this post probably supports a lower percentage....