I am married to a man who is the oldest of nine children. The youngest is currently four, almost five. Nothing, absolutely nothing, kids do freaks him out. I see the youngest popping an action figure into her mouth before playing with it, and my jaw drops. You're almost five, why are you doing that? But my husband just laughs. All kids do stuff like that all the time, punch holes in things, bite stuff, etc, etc, etc.
I worry so much about whether I'll be a good mother when we have kids and that sort of thing, but the thought doesn't even phase him because he has been raising kids most of his life. There was always a baby in the house. He doesn't see a baby and freeze the way most of my friends do. He sees a baby says, "It's okay guys. The baby is a person just like you, just smaller." It amazes me sometimes.
It really seems that growing up in a big family, like my grandparents and husband did, teaches you parenting, and how to deal with children. That's how people got along for most of human history, without endless manuals and guides to birthing and children. Just being a part of a family and knowing other families, seeing children and learning from those who had been there, was the best guide book there could be.
My mother-in-law, the serene mother of nine, knows how it is. She was part of a family of ten children. She says most of the books and little rules out there just contribute to anxiety for pregnant women, and don't help all that much, like feeling your belly all the time to make sure the baby kicks once an hour. What about when he/she sleeps? Waiting for the baby to kick all the time does nothing but produce anxious waiting, it won't cure or help anything. When my times comes, I'm just glad that I know my husband, and our families.
Things can be so compartmentalized now. Often, once you are no longer a child, you no longer see children really, unless you work at a day care. Gone are the days of kids coming home from school and playing in the neighborhood together after school. We don't know how to react to babies and children anymore. It's sad. We don't integrate all of life... we just separate everything into its own little area, and because of that I think we can miss the big picture of life, in all its glorious and less glorious aspects, together as a unified whole.
Do you agree that coming from a large family can help prepare you for becoming a parent? What are some other benefits for a child of a large family?
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Comments (15)
Yes. I'm from a family of nine, too. Everyone has always told me I'm great with children, and I'm a manny.
I think it just teaches you patience more than anything.
I came from a family of eight. But I am also the second youngest. I have tons of nieces and nephews. And they're just wild. I'm good with kids, but I also hate kids. But coming from a big family it teaches you how to handle kids, patience (like the person above me said), and everything else without having the help of others.
It depends on the parents. My husband is ten of eleven. If you asked his siblings, they would all say their parents had too many kids. Not everybody is cut out to have eleven kids. They don't sugar coat their upbringing.
I am one of 5 daughters. When we were growing up, we moved a lot. My dad was a football coach, and as soon as you have a losing season, very often, you're out. For us, I definitely think it helped to have each other when we moved. Until we made more friends or whatever, we still had friends in each other. It definitely helped.
I also think it helps in another way - money management and appreciation. We always had hand-me-downs and shared toys, games, or whatever. Not that there weren't fights, because there were. But it taught us the value of things. None of us are greedy keep-up-with-the-joneses types as adults and I think this contributed
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - That is funny, because a lot of my in-laws are keeping up with the Jones kinds of people in one way or another, but they were dirt poor, my MIL got her first indoor toilet in 1967 when she had 10 kids.
Kudos to your folks. I have four kids and "we share" is just one of the rules, be it a candy bar or toy.
I always joke that my name isn't Jeni...I'm #4 out of 10.
I LOVE my huge family, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family comprises of a mixture of biological, adopted, and fosters (who almost always end up adopted), and my parents have always treated us all the same, regardless. We all love each other like we grew up together, fight like we grew up together, and, as adults, are close like we grew up together. It's great to have a sister or a brother you can turn to when you're having a problem, or just want to complain, lol. It's also great to go home for family occasions and know that there are at least 5 other "moms" there who won't let your kid get away with anything you wouldn't (and overlook the things that "playgroup mommies" won't let go of).The other great thing? We all have unique relationships with our parents. My oldest sister and I have learned that, as long as there's a space buffer, we get along AWESOME with our mom. (Dad is super laid back. You'd have to go out of your way to have a problem with him.) But, again, each of our relationships are different. My oldest sister is a shopper. My next older sister is a sports fiend with 5 very athletic kids. I'm the artistic one. My younger sister is the musical one. My mom has all of these traits, but there's no way to share all of them, equally, with all of us kids. We bond over the traits we share with our mom, and that's the special part of it, I think :)Every family has it's plusses. I don't think I'd have been the same in a small family. I don't think I'd be as confident, and I definitely wouldn't be as happy. I sometimes joke about giving siblings away or trading them for gum (especially when they root for Duke in the final four), but I seriously wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
Yes and No. I'm from a family of four so I wouldn't be able to base my opinion off my own experiences but I had a friend who was 1 of 8. She's the 4th youngest or 4th oldest, however you want to look at it, and she says a lot of the times her parents would be away at work leaving her and her 3 brother and sisters to help take care of the younger ones. She says she never really had the chance to be a kid herself and instead of playing with barbie dolls, she helped to change diapers. Now that she's in her 20's, she's not really all that interested in having children because she says she's finally able to be out on her own and does not want to have to sacrifice her freedom to have to change another diaper.
But yes, in most aspects growing up in a large family can definitely prepare you for parenthood. When you have a baby of your own, knowing what to do and what to expect from past experiences can help you in preparing for a child.
@babixk1umzy@xanga - I don't think having 4 sisters prepared me for being a parent at all. Granted a lot of commenters here and the OP have larger families than that. I honestly don't think, unless you were a primary caregiver to one of your siblings, that as a child or young teenager yourself you know what it's like to be a parent. I'll bet any pregnant mom who had a huge family has the same thoughts "what will I do? Can I do this?" that moms who were only children have.
I don't think anything can prepare you for being a Mom. Classes, books, advice, personal family experience - none of it. Heck, being the mother of two children myself, I know that I had the same fears the second time around as I did the first.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - I guess it just depends on the situation. It's different when you have kids of your own. When caring for a sibling, you do what your told and don't put too much thought into it because you know that they are not your responsibility, but when it comes to your own child, you want to make sure that you do everything right and do what's best for them.
So yeah, I can definitely understand your perspective as well.
Word.
But I'm not sure family size has to do with it. Just the amount of interaction you grew up having with younger ones. I'm not terrified of having children. I've already been raising kids for eight years.
That said, I'm not going to rush out and have some. Ha ha. XD
I think that growing up in a big family helped me to accept responsibility and see the bigger picture in life. Instead of just thinking about what I want and what I need to do all the time, I had to consider my other siblings and take care of each other. Even today, if my parents wanted to go for a month long vacation, we, the older ones, could easily take care of my youngest brother (currently 8 years old) and not complain.
Although it seems that my siblings are extremely different from me and we don't get along, when it comes down to it, we have each other.
I couldn't imagine being born into a small family. My husband only has a sister and they are lonely, not just because there's 2 of them but because they don't interact with each other the way my siblings and I had to. Thus, they don't see the importance of family as much.
I guess what really matters is the values that are instilled in you and the type of environment you're brought up in, not the size. However, bigger is always better. Although I'm not planning to have more than 2 children, but because I have so many brothers and sisters, my children will still know the effect of having a big family and so I'm thankful for that.
Also, being the 2nd oldest, I don't think that having to help with the smaller kids held me back from my childhood at all. It helped me mature faster and accept adult concepts. And I'm not afraid of children.
I grew up in a family of four, and I took care of my younger sister all the time. She's not much younger than me. I don't think this necessarily conditions everyone to be a better parent, or even a "good" parent -- it depends on the situation, and everyone is different -- but it has taught me a lot about the dynamics of kids and family. I like to people watch, so I'm pretty observant. I've seen firsthand how my parents dealt with my siblings, not just with me, so it's a different dynamic, and I've come to realize (now that I'm older) how lucky I was to have parents like mine!!
Having a big family also teaches you, as a kid, how to share, how to take turns, how to be patient. Also, how to be sneaky, how to gang up against your parents, and how to manipulate a situation...well, in a good way, sort of. =)
With the economy and people's fears about overpopulation, though, who knows if big families are going to continue?
I'm 3rd oldest of 11 children! I love them all, it's a blast being in a Big family!
I didn't come from a large family (only 3 kids) but am much younger than my siblings (they are 8 and 11 years older than me) so I was a teenager when they started having kids and I learned how to care for babies through them. I still remember when I was 16 and my nephew was only a few months old. He really needed a diaper change and my brother shoved him in my arms and told me to get to it. Nobody showed me how, I just grabbed a diaper and some wipes and figured it out. I'm glad I had the experience of taking care of my 4 nieces and nephews (feeding, changing , bathing, etc.). I feel that I'm adequately prepared for my own someday. I can see how being part of a large family can do that as well.
I'm the second of eight children. My siblings and I are all pretty close in age, and we had a BLAST growing up together. It was pretty hard on my mom for a while! Not gonna lie. But now that we're all mostly grown up, we do everything we can to make her feel loved and special.
Quick thought. Sure, not everyone's cut out or can even afford to have a big family. But you never see youngest or almost-youngest children wishing their parents had fewer kids. Funny, isn't it?