Thursday, 18 March 2010

• Blended Families -(Not) Playing Favorites

  
  

  There's no question about it, blending families is difficult. It takes a lot of effort, communication, and open mindedness to make it work... that is, unless you don't mind life perpetually teetering on the verge of World War III. Personally, I prefer home to be a "Drama Free Zone." And let me tell you, it's not always easy.
  

  I'll do a quick recap for those who are new readers; I have two daughters, ages nine (M), and almost two (P).  My oldest daughter is a blessing from a previous relationship that ended shortly after her first birthday. I tentatively started dating my now-husband when she was around 18 months old, and we married two years later. He has been a part of her life for a very long time, and she can't remember life without him in it. She loves him dearly.

  Sometimes I feel guilty, as if somehow she's ended up with "the short end of the stick" as they say. Her father became involved with someone else shortly after I reentered the dating scene, and they've also been together ever since. His girlfriend has a daughter that is one year older than M, and then the two of them had another child a couple of years before I had P.  By no means do I regret having a second child, but sometimes I wonder if I did M some sort of injustice by doing so. I know she would never say that - she is absolutely enamored with her baby sister - but it's just that dang "Mom Guilt" sneaking up on me again.

  It's as if she's just out there with no one, all to herself. I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't know of any other way to describe it. She is a very loving child, who adores her siblings, but I can sense that she sometimes feels a little detached... almost like she's just sitting on the sidelines. Her stepsister has her own mother, her dad has his girlfriend and younger child, I have my husband and our younger daughter, and while there's no shortage of love to go around, it just seems like there she is by herself. She is volleyed between households with different rules, routines, and family dynamics. She doesn't complain outright, but there have been some comments made in passing that give me the feeling that she sometimes feels as if she doesn't really belong anywhere in particular. A good deal of it could be her age, as she's entering the tween years, but it makes my heart heavy regardless. I can't imagine feeling torn between homes. My parents divorced when I was young too, but that was different. I was a little older, and never grew up with step or half siblings that I had to "share" my parents with. 

  Again, does any of this make sense?

  I make it a priority for us to have special time together. We like to call them "Mom & Me Days." About once a month just the two of us will go out and do something fun. Sometimes it's as simple as a trip to the grocery store with a special stop to get ice cream afterward, and taking the long way home with the radio cranked up to the station that only we like. Other times we'll do something a little more elaborate. For instance, just this past weekend she had some birthday money that was burning a hole in her pocket, so I treated her to lunch and we went to Build-A-Bear Workshop. Lots of talking, lots of laughs, lots of terrible singing in the car... it was a great day.

  I love both of my children immensely... equally, only in different ways. Until I had P I never understood the concept of being able to love a second child as much as my first. I always thought my mom was just trying to let my brother and sister down easy when we asked her who she loved the most, because of course I was her favorite. Now I understand she was telling the truth all along.

  It's all about balance. And a whole lot of love.

  Moms, how do you balance your love?
  

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