Wednesday, 17 March 2010
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Problems with His Ex and Mom
Ok, I'm new here...but let me start with my rather long story.
I am buying a house and engaged to a wonderful man who is involved in a rather nasty custody dispute. They have been divorced for years, but this summer his ex-wife abducted their child and fled the country.
It has been in the news, in the papers, it's rather messy. It's hard for me, and I feel selfish. his whole life is consumed with this international custody battle, and I'm not sure if she's ever going to come back. If she does come back we are going to be faced with raising his daughter, and I'm pretty sure I'm up to the challenge.
We've talked openly about my fears (ie...the what if's -what if she hates me, what if she resents me, what if I don't get along with her). His daughter did live visit with us last summer for 6 weeks and things went pretty smooth I thought. I left twice for weekend girl getaways to give time to him and his daughter, tried to do "family" type outings to the shore).
We're always going to have this ex-wife though who seems hell bent on hurting him as much as she can, for as long as she can. She has even claimed that since he bought me a house she doesn't plan to return unless he does the same for her. I can't imagine what it will be like if we have kids together.
But it goes beyond just the ex-factor. I am also dealing with his mom who seems to be rather overbearing. Very nice, and I like her, but almost too involved with everything he does from our house to his parenting skills to everything. She has told me about his relationship with his ex more times then I care to hear. I know every fight they ever had, every piece of furniture that was ever bought, all about their dating lives. Everything.
I know she did a lot for them but it has totally pushed me away. In short, I'm starting to feel like his past is going to continue to haunt me forever and no matter how good things are with us, I will always have to hear about how bad things were with his ex (not by him, by his mom).
He speaks a lot of his daughter, and the things he and her did when he lived with her. I want to make new memories, and a new life (which I hope includes his daughter in our home some day).
I just don't know if it's going to happen because of two things - the ex and the mom. Are these things going to be able to work through? His ex-wife by the way, is currently facing charges if she returns, so again, who knows if this will happen? And if it doesn't, then what? Can he really go on and want a new life with me when he doesn't have his daughter in it?
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- From: toomuch
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Comments (7)
I really don't know what to tell you, except that you should probably decide if his baggage is worth it before y'all buy a house together.
I know almost exactly what you're going through.My husband and I are in a similar situation with his ex-wife and mother. I honestly don't know what to do either.
If ya feel like trying to talk it out with someone, you can always IM me.
The last question is something you will have to ask him. He is the only person that can answer that question. I would have to really be in love with a man to deal with the situation that you are talking about. I can't imagine I have the strength to deal with the drama, but if I loved the guy I would learn how to be supportive. I would learn to be patient and understanding that right now his concern is with his child and that I probably won't come first until he is reunited with her. I would be understanding that it could possibly mean putting my own dreams of having children on hold because even though I would be there to give 100% to a child, I think it would be difficult for a child to understand why daddy spends more time trying to find their sister than he does with them. An older child would understand (even though they may be a little resentful) a younger child wouldn't be. It is a lot to consider and a lot to take on in your life, but it is workable.
As far as the mother goes, she is normal. That's just how mother in laws act. My husband and I get advice from both our mother's all the time. Some people don't stop being mothers just because their children are in their 30s/40s. I can imagine that the kidnapping of her granddaughter is hard on her so the talk about the time her son had with his ex is the way she deals with the pain. Do you have something else in common with her that will help take her mind of the woman that stole her granddaughter even for five minutes? It would give the both of you a break when you are together.
It seems like your soon-to-be-MiL is scared of her "little boy" being hurt...AGAIN. I can't imagine what it's like to have one of my kids go through that! (Hell, I want to fly across country and smack a teenage boy that's dating one of my friend's daughters for being an ass to her and she's not even my kid!) By nature? Being protective "mama bears" is what a lot of us do. Many mothers don't out grow that when their kids turn 18 and I'm sure the ex didn't help her with that. I would try to find ways to reassure her and point out that you aren't the ex and that you're not going to trample her son's heart. It also doesn't sound like it's all on momma... If she knows about every fight that they've had? It's because he told her. You need to know that he's, more than likely, going to do the same thing in your relationship. Can you deal with that long term?
The ex is a tougher one... Has he talked to his lawyers to see if they can legally set her up to believe that he has bought her house to get her (and his daughter) back in America and nail her ass? If there's a way to get that from looming over your heads and get his daughter back ASAP, I'd be in. If the ex ran with her, she's probably BS'ing the little girl about her dad and everyone within a 50 mile radius of him. The longer she's away, the tougher it's going to be on everyone. I would be hesitant to bring another kid into the relationship until things were put back together and there was lots of family counseling.
This is all just my two-cents and experience with MiL's, so take it for what it is... I don't envy you and all of this drama that you have no control over.
His mother knows about all of their fights because his ex wife used to call her and tell her everything in the hopes that his mom would give them money, gifts, (she depleted their bank account twice) or if she was mad at him she would call his mom to get her to call him and talk to him about it. Something I'm not sure I would ever be comfortable doing. I am trying to work very hard to get along better with the mom, and he has even spoken to her about how he knows how sad things are with his daughter not present, but that the ex talk pushes me away.
We have spoken a lot about having more children, getting married...etc. I know he has told mutual friends that he is ready for these steps and plans to propose by this summer. Most of the times I can handle things and I think I do a pretty good job. Sometimes though, I have a major selfish melt down and just feel lost. He has said he feels like has the weight of the world on his shoulders dealing with a mom who never lets up, a girlfriend who is trying to make happy, and a daughter who he may never see again. Right now all of our main priorities are to do everything we can to get her back, and it's being done with the help of law enforcement and the US Embassy. It is just gonig to be a long road ahead of us.
And believe me I've tried with his mom to divert the subject to something less about the ex, to the point where I have told her that I also have an ex and that I know how things go. He has tried to tell his mom "if i went to her house and all her parents did was talk about her ex i'd hate them." i don't really know how else to handle her. this summer when his daughter was with us she let herself into our place many times when we weren't home, one time going grocery shopping and later saying "i didn't know if you knew how to." it's just a bit invasive for my taste! i try to understand though!
thank you all for your comments
His mother knows about all of their fights because his ex wife used to call her and tell her everything in the hopes that his mom would give them money, gifts, (she depleted their bank account twice) or if she was mad at him she would call his mom to get her to call him and talk to him about it. Something I'm not sure I would ever be comfortable doing.
Whatever fights you have with hubby are none of MILs business (or your mom's either). That is what friends are for. Sounds like you have a row to hoe my friend. So the ex isn't in a country that has extradition with US? Does he still pay child support?
yes he still pays child support and we send his little girl a package every month with clothes, toys, cards etc. he hasn't spoken with her over the phone in months, he gets emails from her but a lot of the time we're pretty sure it's the mom writing the email as words uncommon for a little girl to use are in them or they are asking for money, clothes, toys etc. she is in the middle east, not a member of the hague convention. you are right they aren't his mom's business or my mom's. my parents are extremely different they've never treaded into that territory!