Tuesday, 16 March 2010

• Parenthood Levels the Playing Field

  
  

  
  It's funny how much parenthood can change people. Just last summer, literally the day before we found out we were pregnant, my husband and I sat in a smoky cafe with a friend drinking beer and discussing this very thing. We mentioned our friends who had recently had kids and how they all seemed to disappear after their kids were born. They would never come out and do things anymore, whether they had an opportunity to find a sitter or not. It's understandable, we said, but it was still sad.
  
  Then we became parents.  And we realized it really wasn't all that sad. Post-baby, we're still the same people. Except some of our priorities have changed.
  
  Now, on a Friday night, when we have the choice between taking a much needed family nap and snuggling up with a movie after an exhausting week or hiring a sitter (pumping enough milk to last), and heading out for a night with friends during which we're not allowed to be irresponsible because we will arrive home to a demanding infant who will still need to be fed and cared for despite our state. Well, it's just easier (and frankly, more fun) to go with the first option.
  
  Once we had a baby, bars and drunken parties just didn't seem so appealing anymore. "Nights out" are just so expensive, what with hiring a baby sitter. And the whole time we just miss our baby anyway, and end up being those people who just won't shut up about their kid the entire night.
  
  The occasional "night out" with friends is still a lot of fun; it just becomes more of a hassle and less of a reality once kids enter the equation. But nobody can survive for long without interacting with other adults.
  
  So invariably, we begin to seek out the company of other people who can understand us and our situation. We look for people who know what it's like to hang out with someone whose idea of a good time is lying in one place yelling at their hands. We look for people who don't flinch at projectile vomit, and whose ears don't bleed at the sound of infantile screaming. We begin to look for opportunities for kid-friendly fun while also enjoying the company of people our own age. In short, we start befriending other parents.
  
  Post-baby parent friendships are odd because they are desperate in an obvious sense. They bring people together who might otherwise never think of interacting, and everybody knows exactly why they are there. "We're lonely and we need other friends who have kids," they may as well say, when introducing each other. Both parties are usually extremely aware of how odd their friendship may seem, but they don't care! Because you have kids, they have kids, and hell, that's enough material to keep conversation going for years. Besides, when you run out of constructive things to talk about, you can always just start comparing your kids Nothing better than determining once and for all whose kid is the best. (ha).
  
  The luckiest of us are able to take these unlikely pairings and develop TRUE friendships that are held together with something more than the common kid factor. My mom became friends with a woman who had a daughter my age in school when I was little. At first their friendship was based purely on the fact that they had kids the same age; they had little else in common. My mom was shy; her friend was outgoing. My mom didn't smoke; her friend did. My mom was conservative, her friend more liberal. Her friend was also a good 5 years older than my mom. Yet they are still friends to this day, long after all their children have grown up and (mostly) moved out. They still get together for regular coffee dates and chat for hours when they can. Their highly unlikely friendship became something real and important. I only hope I can develop similar friendships with other moms.
  
  Today I went to the first of what will hopefully be many play dates with a group of moms my age. I started the group when I realized that out of my facebook friends, there were about 10 other moms living in my area, all around 24 or 25 years in age whose kids were all 21 months or younger. And we all shared a common faith. Most of us had graduated from the same religious college and a few were married to graduates of that college or went to local churches. Other than that, we didn't necessarily have a lot in common. Only one of the girls was (and is) a good friend of mine. The rest were either acquaintances or else I barely knew them at all.
  
  Back in college we were in entirely different social groups. Yet the power of desperation for other mom friends brought us all together this morning. While back in college we spent our evenings and weekends very differently, as moms we are all in the same boat. We found ourselves laughing and talking like old friends as we watched our children steal toys, poke each other in the eyes, and occasionally give the obligatory mom-demanded hug or kiss. Whether we become lifelong friends or just use one another for temporary social interaction remains to be seen, but for now, I'm branching out, and so far, this has been a very good thing.
  
  Have you befriended other parents you normally wouldn't if not for your kids? What do your "nights out" look like now that you're a parent?
  

  Image Source

  • 4:36 PM
  • 323 Views
  • 8 eProps
  • 4 Comments