Saturday, 13 March 2010
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Teen Sex, Coming Soon to a Bedroom Near You
Hey, sorry we're late," I said as Cindy appeared at her front door to meet Sara and me for a bike ride out to Nicasio."Don't worry -- I've been enjoying my second cup of coffee and the paper. Just let me grab some Luna Bars for us. Come on in but be quiet, OK -- Lara's still sleeping."
"Oh, to be a carefree teenager again!" Sara sighed.
"Not for long. School starts in like, what, two weeks? I said.
"Yes, and Lara's going to have a rude awakening because she slept through her entire summer!"
We laughed, and, just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move in the hallway.
"Oops, we might have awakened her," I half-whispered. "Shh!"
Cindy peered down the hallway, then went back to stuffing her backpack. "Nah, it's just Josh going to the bathroom."
Sara and I looked at each other, stunned. Then we looked at Cindy.
"Um, are Josh's parents away or something?" I asked.
"Not that I know of. Why?"
I started to squirm, trying to find the right way to ask what I desperately wanted to ask in a delicate way, but Sara, who has no patience for my euphemistic leanings, blurted it out: "Then what the hell is Lara's boyfriend doing walking out of her bedroom in his skivvies on a Saturday morning?
It was a good question.
It fact, it was so good that we debated boyfriend-girlfriend sleepovers for the entire 22-plus-miles out to Nicasio and back, with visions of Bristol, Levi and baby Tripp in our head.
As far as I know, we have all been teenagers at some point in the distant past. Some of us look back at what we did as teens and, believing we've used up all our available luck and then some, want to keep our teens as far away from the troubles into which we obliviously entered. Others have much more of a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude. And then there are some who say, hey, kids will be kids and they're going to smoke pot, drink and have sex anyway, so why not give them a safe place -- with parental eyes watching -- in which to indulge?
It was pretty clear which category Cindy fell into.
And Sara and I were both thankful that we hadn't had to make that decision -- yet.
But I know exactly what I'd say if The Kid asked me if his girlfriend could sleep over: No friggin' way!
That doesn't mean I'm against Trent having sex. I don't fear his sexuality. If he had a loving relationship with someone and was being safe -- very safe -- what could I say but, enjoy.
I'm just not going to make it easy for him.
He'd have to do what Lara and Josh should be doing -- sneaking around! There's no way that my parents would have let my boyfriend sleep over when I was 16, and I would have never have thought to ask them. Sex ... in my bedroom ... with my parents home? Eww! So instead we did it in cars, in parks, behind closed doors at parties or hurriedly in the afternoon before our parents came home.
But things are different now -- moms are taking their daughters to get birth control, leaving packets of condoms in sight, "just in case" and more willing to talk openly to their teens about sex; and more and more tweens and teens are having co-ed sleepovers.
All of that may be great but it's rarely the parents' idea -- "Hey, honey, why don't you have Josh spend the night?" No, we get pressured into believing it's a good idea because "everyone else is doing it" because the teens themselves are often feeling pressured. And it's so much easier to go along with what our kids want instead of setting boundaries that will make parents unpopular.
I don't mind being unpopular, but it doesn't seem like Trent's going to give me the chance.
He doesn't even want to talk about girls with me, let alone have them sleep over.
Maybe when he's finally ready to ask for one, he'll be at the age when I'll feel comfortable saying yes.
But I sure hope he will have had some fun sneaking around first.
Post from Kat Wilder
Would you allow your teen's boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over? What are your thoughts on teen sex? How did your parents handle this topic with you?
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About the Author
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- From: KatWilder
- Name: KatWilder
- About Me: I am the middle-aged divorced mom of a teen who blogs about single moms, parenting, dating, midlife, divorce, relationships, sex and life at http://katwilder.com/
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Comments (76)
I'd like to think if I ever had kids I'd rather them do their thing in the house safely and trusting my not to freak out, rather then them have to sneak around and be worried about my reaction.
Including pot. I'm not sure about heavier drugs but overall I'd rather be able to watch over them.It's so disappointing how we write teens off by claiming they're just gonna "do it anyway" when it comes to sex, drinking, etc. Science may show that the teen brain is clearly not as developed as a full-grown adult brain, but come on. There's still the potential for reason and common sense. We need to stop enforcing the so-called "fact" that teens are slaves to impulses. That mother, by enabling her kid in sexual behavior under the guise of "well she's just gonna do it anyway" is doing her child a disservice.
All things considered, I have great parents who, in my biased opinion, raised me well. But this was an issue where they were considerably liberal and allowed my boyfriend to stay over while I still lived under their roof. This lead to my first and most devastating heartbreak ever, which could have been avoided with stricter boundaries.
When you stretch out the boundaries to a point where they are so thin or invisible altogether, you end up raising someone who knows no limits, who has no choice but to push the envelope even further in order to rebel against the "norm."
And people wonder why society is what it is. The trouble almost always begins at home. Not with the school, the media, or who's-who in Hollywood.
ok um I had boyfriends sleep over when I was dating.. but I also slept over at my guy friend's houses.. and just because the bed is shared does not mean they are having sex. I bed-shared with 3 of my best guy friends and we did not have sex. I bed shared with all 4 of the guys I dated before I met my hubby and we did not have sex. And because my hubby and I dated really long distance and would visit each other for a week every other month, we shared a bed. And we were both still virgins when we wed.
My parents knew where I stood on the sex issue, not gonna happen until I am married to the guy. And I stuck by it. And I expect my daughters to do the same. If they don't, I won't love them less, but I can hope.
My parent's home was the hang out. We drank, played music (nothing better then 4 guys with acousitc guitars sitting around the living room) and my parents were right there with us, not drinking tho. Thats the kind of relationship I want with my kids and their friends.
My mum used to hate me even hanging around with boys :/ I think she's finally come to terms with the fact that there's nothing she can really do about it. I've only ever brought one guy to my house and we'd been "together" for a while so she didn't particularly care. Half the time she doesn't even notice when I stay out. When I walk through the door in the middle of the day she's shocked that I'm not just crawling out of my bedroom haha. Parents are easy to get around (:
Teen sex - If we wanna do it, we'll find a way to do it. Regardless of whether our parents "allow it" in the house :/
I've had co-ed sleepovers with my friends. We all bring our own sleeping bags and what not. It's not as big of a deal as some people make it out to be - our parents are home and we've all known each other since we were 5 or 6. At camp it's the same - when we pull all nighters, boys and girls are together all night anyhow (the only difference here being that we don't sleep).
I'm kind of confused about your stance. You don't want your son doing it in your house which implies that you think teen sex is wrong or something he shouldn't be doing. Because people sneak around to do things they shouldn't be doing. If it's something that is ok to do, there's no reason to sneak around. You can do it openly. Yet at the same time you say you hope your son has had sex (I think that was in another post?) and that you're ok with him having safe sex. If you're ok with it, then why should he be hiding it from you? If it's not wrong, then what's the issue if you know about it? I would be very confused if I was your son and read this post. I would think..."wait...my mom thinks it's ok to have sex, but only if she doesn't know about it? Only if I'm having sex while pretending not to have sex? Why would I need to keep up appearances of doing one thing while actually doing another if it's not wrong?" This doesn't seem like a very clear boundary to me. Boundaries exist as a line between right and wrong. It seems like a double standard to say teen sex is right but teen sex that I am aware of is wrong.
I think that the fact that so many parents are not ok with teens having sex under their roof shows that they are not ok with teen sex, even if they pretend they are. They know that there is something fundamentally wrong about teens screwing each other, yet they want to be open and modern and "with the times" so they preach protection so long as you're in love instead of talking to their kids about guarding their hearts, not just their penises, and waiting until they're mature enough (preferably married) etc.
Going by your categories, it seems like you would fall in the "don't ask, don't tell" category. You want your kid to have sex but you don't want to know about it because that means you either have to do something about it or else look like the bad parent who lets their teen have sex.
Absolutely not. Especially not in high school. When I was in college, my boyfriends came home with me sometimes, but we were not allowed to sleep in the same room. I always bunked with my sister. The only time I was allowed to share a room with a man at my house was when we got married. And even now it would be weird to have sex in my parent's house.
I think that teens are not emotionally ready for everything that comes with sex. I know I wasn't when I lost my virginity at 18.
No way, Jose. My teens will know that I frown on pre-marital sex and so it won't be allowed in the house. If they feel the "need" to sneak around, then I'll be sorely disappointed in their choice.
Having done the do long before saying "I DO", I couldn't be too restrictive with our son. There's just a weird thing about opening up the house. I wouldn't have dreamed of getting it on in my parents' house.
I personally [as a teen and engaged] see nothing wrong with having sleepovers or anything like that. I personally think that having sex out in parking lots, parks, and etc while fun at first [yet illegal] takes passion out of it.
Sex isn't about having a quick orgasm [to me, atleast] it isn't about hooking up and having fun, it's about a deeper connection with the one you love. It's about becoming one and sharing something beautiful..
sharing something like that in a public place. eh, not so beautiful.
I'm not a whore by any means, but I just dont get the whole parents being protective thing.
When my parents were overly-protective I rebelled, got drunk all the time, smoke weed, did coke, ran away, lived with friends, skipped school, was in and out of psych wards constantly. and this was all before age 15. once they loosened up a bit and let me do what I want. I go to school, have been sober for about 2 years now, and live at home. I dont know.
However, I think if I were a parent.. it'd be a little awkward if I knew my child was having sex just across the house. Especially if my husband wasn't giving me anything anymore.
My parents let my boyfriend stay over a couple times. That was only after he and I went to a concert with my dad, or he had come over for New Years and it was late. Even then, he slept in the living room while I slept in my room. When it comes to teen sex, people need to be careful. Teens should pratice safe sex with A partner that they care deeply about. Sex doesn't need to happen with every person that comes along. My parents discouraged me from having sex. I never told them after it happened, although my mom asked me to come to her about it. But, when my boyfriend and I broke up for a little while, she asked if we had had sex. I was honest and told her yes. She said she didn't approve but would take me to get on birth control. She said she didn't want me having sex, but if I was going to, she wanted me to be safe about it.
If my kid's protected, 16 or older, and is in a mature relationship (no abuse, no puppy love), whatever. I can't change their want to explore. And I'd rather it happen in my house than somewhere dirty or dangerous.
@averyswife@xanga - They should only feel that need if you prematurely cut off reasonable conversation.
As in, have legitimate and respectful talks with them, instead of "I'm your mom I said so". Kids knowing more info about what they try to get themselves into (instead of not knowing anything and having an "I said so" parent) tend to be less rebellious and more understanding.
@BarniganFlarn@xanga - I agree.
Regardless of growing up being taught safe sex and abstinence I gave up my virginity when I was 16 when my boyfriend came to stay with me for a weekend (from an LDR).
I moved across a couple states and in with him, all with the blessing of my parents, to be honest. While being abstinent may have been easier and drilled into my mind. I make my own decisions and at that age I think you should respect your kids wishes. Letting their boyfriends sleep over UNLESS it's a rare occasion like a first time LDR visit...I don't know if I could do that. But she's almost an adult anyway and she's going to have sex regardless if she WANTS to (because in reality we can't brainwash our children. Sorry.) It's better to have a great relationship with her ABOUT sex and staying safe and childless instead of shunning it or making her go somewhere else to 'get some'.
I still live with this guy, in any case. I don't regret my decision. I'm very close to my parents. And I love and respect them for giving me the space and respect that I deserve. A lot of it depends on maturity too.
Just because the teenager's significant other is sleeping over doesn't mean they're going to have sex. Even if he is in his undies.
As a teen, I wouldn't ... have sex when my parents are home. I wouldn't be against my boyfriend sleeping over. If I had a boyfriend. I have friends whose parents let their boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over. It isn't a very big deal.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - We don't really know that's what her reasoning was. But anyway, there is some sense to providing teens with a safe place if they're going to have sex. Parents can provide their children with all the knowledge and morals they need, but at the end of the day kids can't be programmed not to do something. We all have free will and apply what we know however we see fit. So if they are going to do it anyway, they might as well try to minimize the risks.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - I agree with you! Why do we keep telling teens that they are going to do it anyways? I teach a sex respect class to 7th graders and they get offended when I tell them that people say, "Well, they are going to do it anyways, might as well make sure that they are being safe." They don't like being compared to animals. It is the parent's responsibility to set the boundaries for our children, not the other way around!
It's like me saying, "Well, my three year old is going to run out in traffic anyways, I better make sure he knows to look for cars." Yes, I teach my child to be careful when he crosses the street, but I also teach him to stop before he jumps out into traffic! He is not ready to cross the street by himself, and (most) teenagers are not emotionally ready to handle the many consequences that sex brings.
@MangoWOW@xanga - that is really a bad idea! You will just be teaching your children that is OK instead of teaching them right from wrong. Do you really want to do that? You can teach them to trust you and talk to you without condoning immoral and illegal behavior.
@sugartomyhoney@xanga - I'll answer you once because I'm not sure if you're just trying to troll a reaction out of me or not.
While teen sex isn't a good thing that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Sex is a normal process and I while of course I'd teach my kid to wait for the right person, I know that won't always happen. Even if it doesn't, I still wan't to be there for them when it happens and make sure they know they can trust me and come to me if anything. An open, loving relationship is better then a fearful one.As for marijuana and alcohol. Once again: those are things that aren't completely bad in my eyes. If anything, I've always said that if you're going to smoke something it might as well be weed. I guess the only hesitation that I have with all these (including sex) is being age appropriate. I wouldn't approve of my eight year old having sex and drinking but I wouldn't have a problem if my 15/16 year old was doing the same thing. I wouldn't teach them it was wrong. I'd teach them how to do it right.Some of the most exhilarating sex I had was when sneaking around in cars behind Hobby Lobby or whatever. Having sex when my mom knows I'm having sex? Freaking creepy!
I'm going to tell my daughter to come to me when she thinks she might have sex (and tell my cousin to tell her if she doesn't wanna tell me) so I can take her to be safe. But I'm going to tell her I don't wanna know when or where or with who and it will not be when I'm around...ew...but that she better be safe when doing it.
My mom knew I was having sex even if I never told her...and we were both okay with not having to discuss it.
I don't get it. You want him to ask you if he can have a girl over just so you can shoot him down. This seems slightly sadistic to me.
Also, the more kids have to sneak around, the worse decisions they make. This includes not wearing condoms, having sex in places where they could get caught and put in jail for indecent exposure, and things like that. I feel like it makes more sense to talk toy our kid about it and give him a place where he can feel safe and be safe.
My mom always told me when I was growing up, that if I ever wanted to have sex with a boy to come to her and let her know and talk to her about it first, and she'd get me condoms and such. Of course due to the nature of our relationship, I knew that really meant "talk me out of it and try to sabotage me." So I never did talk to her. I did fool around a bit with my boyfriend but we didn't have sex until our wedding night - and that was my own choice, fueled by my religious beliefs at the time. I wasn't scared of going to hell or anything, I just really cared about doing what I thought was the right thing. My own personal ethics and sense of what was right mattered more to me than anything my mother ever said to me. Everyone I've ever talked to was more or less the same way... It seems as though among my peers, it didn't matter what kind of parent you had, if you wanted to have sex and didn't have any reason not to, you were going to do it. But what people don't realize is that not every teenager feels they don't have any reason not to have sex. Teenagers are nearly adults, and while they are not fully mature they are not without their own sense of what is right and wrong for them. That's what matters in the end - their beliefs and ethics as individuals.
@averyswife@xanga - I totally agree.
@MangoWOW@xanga - I don't know why you would think I was trolling for a reaction. I wasn't and I have 5 children so my opinion comes from my experience as a teen myself and my experience having my own teenagers. My world view is obviously totally different than yours. I am a Christian and we have brought our children up with Christian values and morals. Does that mean they have never strayed? No of course not, but they all know they can talk to us about anything and get a straight answer. They know their parents are solid, they don't waver around in the wind of popular opinion and that when they need/want to hear the truth and they need to feel like there is a solid anchor in life, they come to us. When you have your own children your views may change. Maybe not, but you might be surprised how many young people think they are going to raise their children one way and then they actually have children and the way they look at life and the world totally changes. Time will tell.