When I was pregnant, I was talked to by my gynie guy's nurses about my history, as it all should be. I explained to them when I was 14 I became depressed, self-mutilated and attempted suicide twice (must not have really been attempts because neither landed me in the hospital).
They told me that with my history I would, at an almost 100% chance, have postpartum depression and that they would make sure to find out how I was feeling at all my postpartum check-ups.
So, I have my daughter on February 13, 2009. I'm fine in the hospital, I'm fine while staying with my mother. Hell, I'm even fine at home by myself with the baby. Then May comes, along with a doctor's visit. I feel SO horrible and SO depressed that I'm not a good enough mother and my money is disappearing and virtually gone and I haven't even really had to pay for a sitter yet. Her dad's only around when convenient and I just can't shake this feeling she'd be better off without me. He tells me I can't take antidepressants but I was not to give up pop since it may be the only thing keeping me from being seriously depressed. I wasn't suicidal then I just didn't know how I was going to make it and pull through. But I did.
Then October comes, and I found out they're closing my site and moving it to another state and now I'm going to be jobless come May. Despite all this being terrible luck, I'm still okay.
In July, I had found out my aunt and uncle were planning on moving to Nebraska. I lived with/near them just about my whole life. And they were leaving, taking my cousins (who are more like sisters to me anyways) with them. But they finally made it seriously official, with an official date, in December. They were going to be leaving on my daughter's first birthday and miss her birthday party. This upset me.
Now I'm going to stop here before you think all this led to my current situation. It doesn't. All this just made the situation worse, but as you can see in the beginning, it's not the cause.
For the past two months, I've been overwhelmed. Crying at the drop of a hat, which has scared SO many people because I am
not that type of person. Some days are better than others and on my best days I can appear to be functioning like everyone around me. Other days, they ask why I'm so quiet or what's wrong.
Last Wednesday, I cut again. I haven't since, but that's the first time since July 2007. I wanted to die so badly on Wednesday that I really felt at any point in time I could just drop dead and then maybe I could finally be happy. Now...I wouldn't really say I'm suicidal. I would say I wish for death. For me to say I'm suicidal would imply that I want to or feel I need to kill myself. That's not the case. I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it.
Since I'm in the job transition, I'm starting a new job soon and plan on getting professional help as soon as my insurance kicks in. I just had to get this off my chest now.
Have you experienced postpartum depression? How did you treat the depression? At what point is it not postpartum depression?
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Comments (23)
have you tried asking your doctor?
I'm no expert, but I don't think this qualifies as postpartum anymore. You're listing so many other reasons why you're feeling depressed and I don't think all these feelings are "baby blues." I'm curious why you can't take an antidepressant? Who told you that (they are 100% WRONG).
And, no mother is perfect. None at all. There is a learning curve, and the good thing is, they don't really remember the first couple of years anyway. HA!
I think it's kind of like porn... to use a really bad analogy. You just know it when you see it. I know that PPD can get very bad, but I get the feeling that even if some of this is residual PPD, it's also non-PPD enough to go after it and take care of yourself. I also struggle with depression among a lot of other things and I know exactly the "wishing for death, just don't wanna be the one to do it" feeling you are talking about, and from my own personal experience it's usually a red flag that I'm heading down the road of being suicidal. So as much as you may not want to, get help before it gets worse. PPD or regular depression, it doesn't matter... you deserve to feel like there's hope.
From what I've heard PPD doesn't usually happen after one year. That said, having a baby this young while all of the other happenings of life can definitely add to any depression you may be feeling.
Get help. Period. Wouldn't matter if it was postpartum or not, you don't need to feel this way and your baby doesn't need you to feel this way. And I can't tell either who said you can't take and antidepressant but I've never heard that unless you've had some past bad reaction. But there are many options out there and a doctor is the one to help you figure it out.
I think it was a case of PPD, which then snowballed and left you feeling like you're in way over your head. You fell into PPD and never truly overcame that issue in the first place, then when you started feeling the way you do now, that certainly didn't help. Bottom line--you're overwhelmed. You're stressed out. You're depressed. I have been there--and when you're that overwhelmed, you are looking to cut out anything and everything you can, just to lighten your load a bit.
First of all, I give you credit for being more or less a single mom. You said that your daughter's father is only around when it's convenient, and that is not only NOT helpful to you, it can also be an extra burden. I think you've been dealt a shitty hand, but do realize that while it seems like a lot to deal with at the moment, within even a year, everything could change and you do have the power to turn it around and improve life for yourself and your daughter. My question is, where are your friends? Are your parents around? You need a good support system, and someone who can watch your daughter at least once or twice a month--trust me, you need that time away. You need a break once in awhile.
When I was trying to dig myself out of a really bad time in my life, I chose to focus on what made me happy. I made a plan. Somehow that made things seem less chaotic and messy. Think about your short-term goals and your long-term goals. Think about the things that make you smile, the people and things that are good in your life--and get rid of all the negativity. If there are people or things that bring you down or stress you out, either find a way to change that situation or cut them out of your life. You don't need people who are only serving to make you miserable.
And finally, get help. Develop your support system--every mom should have that anyway. Figure out who your go-to best friends are, talk to them. See a therapist. Right now I'm sure you feel like your life is a mess, and what you need to do is clean up that mess and get yourself back on track. When you feel like things are manageable, the future isn't nearly as depressing. If you ever need to talk, there are always people available to listen or give advice.
Unrelated note: I've seen you around and didn't realize you were from Joliet--I'm from a suburb of Chicago and living in Bloomington so I drive through Joliet all the time when I'm going back and forth. I'm easy to approach and not quick to judge, plus I like to listen, so if you ever need an impartial person to talk to or just vent to, I'm here and just a message away. :)
If you are feeling depressed, I think you should take care of it. It doesn't matter if it is PPD or the same depression that you have lived with all of your life. To me it sounds like it could be a combination of both. I had post-postpartum depression. I treated it with antidepressants. I also took a few months to reassess what was important in my life.
Why exactly does it matter if it's postpartum or not? It sounds like you are depressed either way. I'm going to venture a guess and say that it's not postpartum, because most cases of postpartum depression include resenting your child (when you feel like you should be all lovey dovey, etc.). This seems like much much more than that.
Get help. NOW.
It's good that you're talking about it, and not keeping things bottled up.
I once read a book called "The Cradle Will Fall" about a woman with postpartum depression... her situation turned sour because she couldn't handle it... but I won't get into details. You may or may not want to look that up, depending on how you'd take it. Read reviews first, if you're a reader, you know?I feel depressed sometimes over not having a job, having problems finding one, because I feel purposeless now and then. Hopefully getting back to work will make you feel a bit better. I do think you need to get help and talk to your doctor some more about your depression. It may be postpartum, but intensified because you do have diagnosed depression.
Either way, seek out a pro. You owe it to yourself and your baby.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Perhaps it was advised that an antidepressant isn't a good idea because most, if not all of them, have a side effect that makes you suicidal.
Defeats the purpose, I know... x.x
I think meds can only go so far, honestly, and you have to pick yourself up again and again. It's not like, BAM, you're better... it's a process to deal with life's bullshit. But that's my take on it.
I think to start you need a qualified professional to talk to so you can sort through all the hard things you are going through, you may not realize the good things you have because of so many bad things and this may help you see them as well as help you figure out ways to cope in the midst of hard times. although you may not want this kind of help, it is something you have to think of for the good of you and your baby. you may or may not need meds but that is what a professional psychologist can help you figure out. hang in there and don't be afraid to see out a mother's group, your local social services, and other helping services to support you during this time.
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@thesexydevilgirl@xanga - Yes, I had mentioned it to my doctor and he said to drink caffeine a bit a day since antidepressants had not worked on me before.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - @sinpescado@xanga - I had taken an antidepressant when I was in high school (Zoloft) and I felt SOOOO much better...for about a month. After that month though, I became suicidal and was thinking, "wow, if I'm like this ON the medication I probably would have killed myself by now had I not been!" Then one day I decided to stop taking it, and if I killed myself I wouldn't care. Within 3 days, I felt so much better! That's why he doesn't want to do it. And I don't really think 24 is really all that young. I pay my own bills and make my own money and have for years.
@BohemianLamb@xanga - I definitely want to get help...I can't stand feeling like this anymore.
@xoxokissme@xanga - I just moved to Romeoville but yeah I'm in the same area. My mom and I have a townhome together and HER attitude (she's pissy about 98.5% of the time) isn't helping me at all and she watches my daughter when I'm working but won't AT ALL if I'm off. I only have one friend who's willing to watch my daughter and I don't go out with any of my other friends but her, so it's really just a vicious cycle of no help. I thank you for your offer, though!
@Erika_Steele@xanga - I'm hoping to be put on some kind of better antidepressant...or something. There's gotta be SOMETHING that can help me and that's all I want right now. I'm heading down a dangerous path and I just hope I can be caught and steered in the right direction in time.
@Morningstarrising@xanga - I don't resent my child but it took me a long time to be able to actually look at her and feel like I loved her. A long time. There was no instaneous OMG I LOVE HER moment the second she was born...it took till she was about 4 months old for me to feel any kind of love for her. I wasn't neglecting her...I was still trying to be a good mom...but the love just wasn't completely there.
@wideopenskies@xanga - I tried looking up that book but it seems to be about a woman trying to solve the mystery of this doctor killing patients or something. It sounds like something I'd maybe want to read when I'm feeling a little better...cuz right now I just think it would depress me. And you're right about my history with antidepressants.
@sarahflorida1085@xanga - You're right when you said I may have a difficult time seeing the good things because of the depression. Even when people point them out to me, they don't make me feel better...they make me feel worse knowing that despite my beautiful, smart daughter I still feel this way.
@jellybeenn7@xanga - I'm trying. Thank you.
I think all mothers get overwhelmed. I'm 20 with my first (4mo) and sometimes I feel like maybe I should have given her up for adoption. Then other days I can't imagine leaving her to use the bathroom. It's hard when you're doing it alone.
A support group would really help you. I've found at church other moms can bring my day up when they didn't even know I was down.Any kind of network with other moms so you know you're not alone would help tons.I had PPD with my second & declined antidepressants. Once I understood that I had an issue & the world wasn't ending, a counselor helped.
I had my third about a month ago & I have slight "baby blues". It's gotten a little worse since my husband went back to work- feeling overwhelmed with three rugrats at home, but I'm getting through it one day at a time.
I would suggest talking to a counselor- even just once. If you don't have insurance, you can go to the free clinic in your area & they will refer you to someone.
@iTazoTea@xanga - I thought I was the only one who sometimes wonders if I should have given my child up for adoption! I'm 24, and it feels so bad to say or even think it but sometimes I just KNOW that she'd be better off with someone else. She's not in any danger but I just know I'm gonna screw her up somehow.
@cmwcbs10142006@xanga - Luckily, I do have insurance...and will have it at my new job, as well. I just found out yesterday I have a low thyroid which can definitely be causing at least some of this. I'm sure it'll be worked out soon.
I don't know what to say abou this. This is scary to me because I've been this way for a long time, on and off depression from age 15. I just got over this exact feeling that you were describing {"I just can't shake this feeling... I've been overwhelmed. Crying at the drop of a hat, which has scared SO many people because I am not that type of person. Some days are better than others and on my best days I can appear to be functioning like everyone around me. Other days, they ask why I'm so quiet or what's wrong...I just want to die..."}
I graduated from school leaving behind everyone i called family and broke up with my boyfriend. then the pain started and I couldn't eat but one meal a day. My parents thought I was dieting...lol. Pop, Oreos and lots of Starburst kept me smiling but that's not good for my health or my teeth, so I had to stop, but I kept eating/drinking like every other day cause I needed to be happy.
I started arguing with my ex on something that were going on and feeling so low to the floor cause I thought he had given up on me. I felt like I could walk better if I were on the floor and that leaving/disappearing was the best thing for me and my real family. I didn't cut but I took pills and Nyquil to sleep and hopefully never wake up, but I woke up.
For me I talked about the graduation and breaking relationship to lots of friends, wrote lots of peoms, lots of blogs (feel free to read them) then I told my feeling about school and about the sadness I feel. Then I cried out to God to stop the pain.
My fear comes in cause ...I haven't had kids yet...heck I haven't had sex yet! What on earth is going to happen to me when I start having kids...geWhiz buddy. Gewhiz...IDK I just wanted to share that.
@Heartzmusick@xanga - Thanks for sharing your story. I try to talk about it but it's almost like no one understands. That's why I wrote this and am glad it was featured on momaroo...it's been sitting on my personal site hardly looked at at all. Yeah, with kids it'll be tougher but hopefully you will realize when you need help. Your babies will need their mommy...and I'm not saying to be strong because babies don't require that you put on an iron mask...they just need your love and support. But it's hard to give that when you feel down...good luck to you!
@PoetMcChick@xanga - I didn't mean you are young, that your baby is - I've found kiddos to be less difficult overall the older they get. I had my first when I was 26 so not much older than you.
So sorry the antidepressants didn't work for you. Surely your doctor can help you work something out. Someone out there has to have been in your position and found something that worked for them so hopefully the doc knows or can find something about it.
@Heartzmusick@xanga - I wouldn't worry about being scared of PPD until you get there. It's definitely smart to be knowledgeable about it and to have that support system set up before you have a baby but you can't predict it. I had a history of depression with suicidal ideations prior to having kids. PPD with my first child was so bad that even my husband hasn't been told everything that went through my head - I have days when I am amazed that my son and I survived the experience. But then with my second child, I had not a single trace of depression. I suspect it was the circumstances surrounding me with each birth (the first had pregnancy issues and a premature birth while the second was basically perfect; working and going to school with the first and stay-at-home mom with the second), but I really don't know. Main thing I can say is when the time comes, talk at length with your doctor and have a counselor lined up in case you have problems - or maybe see a counselor just to be sure someone can help you catch any issues as soon as they start.
@PoetMcChick@xanga - thank you.
@sinpescado@xanga - Thank you
gd luck there!
I heard something recently that PPD can occur up to two years after you have a baby.
@PoetMcChick@xanga - Nah, that's not the same book I read. Sometime if you feel up to it, get ahold of me on Xanga - add me if you'd like - and send me a message. I'll give you a proper link.
Good luck with things sweetie xx
I know the felling all too well. In looking back, last winter was like a deep dark hole. I didn't want to take antidepressants b/c I was nursing my baby. She was extremely fussy, plus I had two other children to care for. Over the summer, it was better, but when winter came, I was hit full force again. I wished to die, but I can't commit suicide, since I know it's wrong to kill. I wanted to hurt myself bad enough to land in the emergency room, so people would know I need help. But that would cost money. My baby was still fussy and difficult to handle at times. One morning I just lost it and started breaking things when she was crying and I was soooo tired. My husband took control when he found out and took me to a doctor the next day. I'd had been on Lexapro once before with good results, so that is what I am on now. I still have some bad days when things are overwhelming, but I can cope so much better! This is my story in a nutshell. You are not the only one who struggles w/ depression. Find someone (maybe a counselor) to help you make decisions for yourself and your child. It helps so much when you can have an outside perspective on your situation.