Since I was a child, I have been the type of person that refuses to apologize for something if I'm not sorry that I did or said it. I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong, but I'm not going to say sorry if I'm not.
However, you see so many parents automatically do that when their child has said or done something wrong to someone else.
If it's about teaching children to take responsibility for their actions, I can understand explaining to them that they are wrong and having them admit they shouldn't have done it. But to force them to say they are sorry for busting little Billy in the nose, when really they've never felt better after having done so, just doesn't make sense to me. What if little Billy deserved to have his lights punched out?
Being "sorry" for doing something means you regret doing it. There are many things I did wrong as a child, that I knew I shouldn't have done, but it doesn't mean that I regret doing them.
What are your thoughts on apologies and teaching children to take responsibility for their actions? How do you teach this to your kids?
Comments (22)
Ooh, I've never thought of it in this way, but this makes sense. I'd usually have my younger siblings apologize if they did something wrong, but afterwards I'd talk to them to explain why it was not very nice. I guess explain and understand before acting upon the apologies.
First of all, violence should NEVER be tolerated or made to seem ok. If children are taught to believe that punching someone is an acceptable way to deal with their problems they are going to grow up not knowing how the real world works. If he did that as an adult he would go to jail for assult. Self defense is one thing, but if little Billy is just being annoying, or is the nerd in class, or your kid is just a bully he most certainly should be made to apologize. Even if he doesn't believe it himself.
Part of being a parent is to teach right from wrong, and that includes explaining WHY certain behaviors are wrong. In some cases, it's ok to not make the child apologize. I remember when I was little I pulled some leaves off of a neighborhood tree, and my next door neighbor came out and yelled at me. The tree was not on her property, was not planted by her, and did not belong to her in any way. My mom told me that I didn't have to apologize because there was really nothing to apologize to her for, but did explain why I shouldn't go around pulling handfuls of leaves off of trees.
My kids will apologize when they've done something to hurt someone else; physically, emotionally or financially...as well as paying for it in the case of the latter. 'Sorry', to most people, seems to be more of a way of acknowledging that they know and understand that they shouldn't have done X-thing and regret that lapse in judgement. Not regretting that lapse in judgement seems pretty immature as does the mentality of "that person deserved to be hurt, so I'm not sorry".
I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not sure I agree. There are many times in life where you essentially have to say you're sorry whether you are or not. (I say "essentially" because you don't really HAVE to, but it makes a world of difference in your everyday life.) If a child does something that is uncalled for, or something that is inappropriate, I think it is your job as a parent to have them apologize. If they are not sorry for what they did, you should figure out WHY.
And the apology doesn't need to be "I'm sorry for punching you, Billy." Instead, you can help your child find some PART of their action they're sorry for - maybe "I'm sorry I hurt your nose Billy."
Anyway, that's what I think.
@tryingtofind_me@xanga - I was in no way implying that violence was ever okay. Im am talking about the SPECIFIC meaning of the word SORRY. There is a difference between acknowledging you are wrong for something and truly feeling sorry for it.
@christygraves@xanga - Makes perfect sense to figure out WHY youre child is not sorry for doing something hurtful towards someone else, but many parents just automatically tell their child to go say they are sorry.
@filtered_sunlight - Speaking of immature..we are talking about children here. So, that goes without saying. Im one of those moms that teaches my kids to defend themselves. They are never ever to throw the first punch, but if someone is beating the hell out of them, they should what they have to to defend themselves. Am I going to go back and tell him to tell that kid hes sorry? Of course not.
To me, there is so much more to something than just making a kid say they're sorry. As a nanny my disciplining goes as such: 1) Child A hit Child B and B hit A back. 2) The children are separated and put in separate rooms for five minutes.3) I discuss with each child individually why we shouldnt hit- God wants us to love people etc (I nanny for Christian families) and that God wants us to forgive each other when they hurt us... 4) They then go and apologize to the other person- not just "I'm sorry" but "I'm sorry that I did _____, I shouldn't have". AND they have to forgive each other!
It'll be the same way with my children, except with spankings involved (insert spanking after me discussing and before them apologizing.) Like anything else, children aren't going to learn unless you discuss things with them and teach them along the way. You can't just go "Say your sorry" without talking to them about what they're apologizing for. Likewise, children should also learn how to forgive.
Since I work with Christian families, my kids do end up (after a time) being sorry for what they did. They are very keen (on their own, its not forced on them) to behave the way God wants them to. Its quite refreshing to see children taking responsibility for their actions. I know adult who don't understand that concept yet.
@AyshrenS@xanga - Different folks, different strokes, I suppose. But as a parent, I feel that it's my job to teach my kids how to function in the world and be healthy, productive adults rather than to say, "It's okay, you're a kid! You don't have to make good choices! You can figure that out on your own after you graduate and move out!". There are few times, if any, that throwing a return punch in the adult world isn't going to land them in jail for assult right along with the person that started it. I chose to teach our kids to be the bigger person and just walk away before it comes to that point. If someone is causing you physical harm, seek out an authority figure. I would feel like a failure if my kids "felt good" about causing pain to someone else, no matter their claimed justification of it.
@filtered_sunlight - Im not going to get into a whos a better parent rant here, because this post was never about good or bad parenting. It was about parents who force their children to express a feeling that they may not feel or even understand depending on the age of the child. Nowhere in my post did I say that I do not teach my children right from wrong. Just like you said..different strokes for different folks:)
@FirstxChairxOrchxDork@xanga - Thank you so much! My whole point was there is more to it than just telling the child to "go say they are sorry."
The specific meaning of sorry is that you regret the actions, but we are not talking about being sorry, we are talking about saying you are sorry, as in apologizing. apologizing is a critical social skill. We all eventually have to learn to get along with each other.
Learning to say your sorry is vital to smoothing over conflicts. It does not mean that you regret what you did, or that you are admitting they were right and you were wrong. I am sorry that you misunderstood my words. I am sorry we had this conflict. These do not need to be false or empty apologies. You can truly regret that a conflict happened while still feeling you were right.
I hate when people say sorry, you shouldn't have done it if you were just going to say sorry. its an excuse that people use to get out of being punished or feeling like shit. I dont accept sorry. I will teach my children that. "I didn't mean to do that, it was an accident" is an acceptable apology if they actually meant it.
Saying sorry is an admission of guilt. When you ask a child to apologize, you are letting them know that their action was wrong. Sometimes, even after you explain to them why it was wrong, their emotions will prevent them from feeling it. But through repitition, I think they can learn what is wrong, and prevent themselves from doing it in the future.
Especially in the case of siblings, I would prefer to give my child the option to apologize, but if they do not want to, to let them think about it for a while. Am I always sorry for things I have done as an adult? Absolutely not. Did I feel like I had let myself down when I had to grovel or apologize for something I felt I had done nothing wrong for in the first place? Absolutely. There will always be people bigger and more powerful to that you will have to suck up to, but I would rather my children learn a way to do this in a way that doesn't make them feel like shit, as I have.
I would prefer to help them find other reconciliatory techniques, ones that don't automatically assign guilt or blame, because guilt or blame doesn't always have a place. One is not always right, and the other is not always wrong.
I get where you are coming from but if a child does something they should be sorry for, I think it is perfectly acceptable to make them say sorry and then take them aside and explain to them why they had to apologize. They may not feel remorse right away but hopefully will get it after they calm down.
I don't know that sorry necessarily means that you "regret" what you did...I think that it means you realize you did something wrong, you hurt someone (emotionally or physically), and you accept fault for having done that wrong thing. It's feeling "sorrow" [sorrow=sorry, rather similar but it's hard to find a good synonym for this one!] for what you did. I don't really equate it with always meaning you wish you hadn't done it or wish you could take it back, but taking responsibility for your actions and recognizing the pain that you caused, recognizing that you were wrong to do it.
I think apologies are important to teach kids. I know a few people who never learned how to apologize and take responsibility, and I think that it's taken a negative effect on their lives and social relations.
I personally don't like it, but I'm not sure if it actually helps people grow up to accept responsibility. If it definitely did then I'd be all for it, but I'm not entirely convinced that it does. How can you prove that? Also, on a similar topic, one thing I really don't like is when parents apologize on their children's behalf right in front of them. I guess it's ok if the children are too young to understand, but frankly, unless the child did something absolutely horrendous, there's no excuse. It's just patronizing and I don't think it makes the parents look good either, which is generally what they're going for. If they really feel the need to apologize then they should wait till the child's not in earshot.
I really don't know. That's a tough one.
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