Thursday, 21 January 2010
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Protecting Children from Tragedy
The other day I was at my aunt’s house babysitting my little cousins. We were having fun in the living room playing “Don’t Step in the Lava!” You know that game where you put couch cousins or blankets on the floor and jump from one to the next without touching the floor, I mean lava. Well, while we were busy playing I had forgotten that the TV was still on. That is until my 4-year-old cousin asked “Michelle, why is that little boy being carried?”
The TV channel was on NBC and the last I had checked Martha Stewart had been on so I whipped around to see what on earth Martha was up to. Since when did Martha carry little boys around on her show? It wasn’t Martha; it was a preview for the upcoming news segment on the tragedy in Haiti.
Quickly, I turned around to see what my cousin was talking about. I caught a glimpse of a little boy, covered in dust, being carried by what appeared to be a Dr. Thank goodness the preview was short for in seconds a commercial about Febreze was coming on. I felt horrible that my cousin had seen that poor little boy from Haiti.
At first I wasn’t sure how to respond to his question. I had a feeling he was oblivious to the situation that was going on in Haiti so I was not about to explain it to him. I quickly replied that the boy was fine and that he was just being carried because he was tired.
My cousin responded by shrugging his shoulders and saying “Oh.” Phew! I let out a breath of relief and immediately turned off the TV. We promptly went back to playing and having a blast. All was well but it had been a close call!
I just don’t feel young children need to know about all of the awful things going on in this world. If I could protect my cousins from tragedy forever I would.
Do you protect your children from tragedy? How do you share the events happening around the world with your children?
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About the Author
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- From: michcoy@xanga
- Name: Michelle
- About Me: I am a full-time nanny who loves to write whenever I can. I also love being outdoors whenever possible. Camping, hiking and kayaking are a few of my favorite activities.
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Comments (24)
I feel the same, but in this world, you can't shelter them forever. I think it's better to explain things when they're younger so that they don't go through shock when they're older and find out.
My response would be to tell them, on their level, that there was an earthquake where the ground shook and it broke a lot of houses. Some people fell down and got hurt, and so that person was probably taking the little boy to a doctor to make sure he was okay. I'd mention that earthquakes don't happen where we live, and I'd try to answer any questions age-appropriately.
Then, I'd either ask if they wanted to pray that God would help the children there to be okay, or I would see if maybe they could send a toy or outgrown clothes to help the children who lost theirs. Helping them see how they can make a difference is a wonderful lesson.
I agree. I try to protect all the little kids I know and not tell them becuase it is hard for any child to understand and to deal also they shouldn't have to. Innocence should be preserved as long as possible.
I dont think you should protect them, just explain it as easily as you can. I dont think you destroy a child's spirit by telling them that some bad things happen in the world. It's a hard fact of life. Sheltering too much only hurts people later on in life. I like comment @Katja88@xanga - said.
I try to be truthful with my nephew, at a level he will get but not be too scared. He seems to know when we lie to him anyway.
My seven year old and 4 year old both know about the earthquake in Haiti. We don't dwell on it and we also don't have tv, but they see the pictures on yahoo when they are watching me on the computer and we talk about it. The difference is that we do get earthquakes where we live. Thankfully, the worst one we ever had was over 50 years ago and the chances of that repeating are slim. I use the opportunity to talk to the kids about what happened, what can be done, etc. Also, we can use the time to talk about natural disasters and why they occur. But I do try to do this on an age-appropriate level, although the fact that I have the seven year old means that the four year old will hear things a little bit older from time to time.
I think there is a difference between protecting my kids from tragedy and keeping them from knowing about tragedy. If my kids didn't know that kidnappers existed, they wouldn't listen to me when I told them not to talk to strangers. If they didn't understand what happened when a car hits a person, they might not stay out of the street. There are things that are necessary for a child to know and yes it is a fine line and I think that all parents worry about where that line is and when to cross it.
However, as the cousin rather than the parent, I think you did exactly the right thing. It is up to their parents to discuss these tragedies with them.
I don't think it's necessary to tell them that over 200,000 people have probably died, thousands more have had limbs amputated and millions are homeless, but I would have told them there was a big earthquake and some people got hurt.
No, I don't. Very young children may have too many problems with it, but my youngest was three in 2001. She was told about what happened, but without a lot of gory detail. As soon as she was old enough to ask questions, we answered them. "Protecting" children involves keeping them away from harm, but at the same time, they need to know that there is plenty of harm out there. That's why parents guard them and teach them how to avoid that harm. If they don't know it's there, how can they avoid it?
@Katja88@xanga -
This exactly.
I had to explain to my 3 year old about Haiti, because my husband works in a medical supply warehouse, and had to stay late (9:30pm) to ship out the large loads. My son was distraught that he wouldn't be home for dinner, and he'd have to go to bed with out telling him good night.
So I, told him that an earthquake had happened far, far away. The ground had shook, houses fell down. Mommies, daddies, and friends got hurt, so "N" (he calls him by his name, because he's his step dad) had to send things to help them.
He understood, and gave me a 'Mom, that is terrible" He also asked if some people died, and I answered him honestly. He knows that people die, he just doesn't understand what dying entails.
I see no point in lying to him, or even sugar coating things (age appropriate explanations will do).
I don't tell them anything they do not ask about one reason we do not have tv. Yes I maybe over protective but honsetly isn't it bad enough that we worrie about it we don't need to let our YOUNG children worrie. After Spet 11 being aired on tv and my daugther watching the air planes hit the towers and trying to explain that and the fear in instilled in her I won't let it happen again.
I disagree. I really hope that with things like this, I don't make up stories with my kids, but tell them the truth, give them as much info as they can handle without scaring them, because they're not stupid. It's good for kids to know that suffering exists in this world. It helps them become compassionate people and also develop a feeling of gratitude for the things they do have. I feel that would have been a great opportunity to explain what is happening to the children in Haiti and maybe even get your cousin interested in helping the children there- get her thinking outside herself a little bit, instead of just desensitizing her to the pain as the rest of America seems to be toward anything unpleasant. We don't think often enough of our suffering neighbors and that's part of the problem and why others often find us so self-centered. Of course, you wouldn't have to be graphic, but you could explain where Haiti is, that there was an earthquake, that the children are hurt and without food and water and that they need our help. Little kids can grasp those ideas and develop compassion. At my church's school, they have been supporting Haiti with mission money for about 2 years now, and recently they had a special chapel service where they showed a news video on an orphanage from haiti-that the children were all living in the street because the building was unsafe and were having trouble being adopted because all the paperwork was under rubble. At the end they told the kids that they can do a lot to help haiti by donating money, just as they have all year. The kids have raised a ton of money to support Haiti. And some of the kids watching the video in chapel were only 4 or 5 years old-preschool aged.
I plan on not hiding the truth from my kids (Insha Allah). I will tell them about the poverty in the world and why bad things happen to certain countries/people. Since zakat is the 3rd pillar of our faith, it's important for our kids to learn WHY we give zakat to the poor every year.
I don't think we need to shelter them from the truth, but we should be VERY careful about how we tell them things and let them ask questions. We recently visited Ground Zero as a family and my son (who is three and a half) and my best friend were looking at children's books in the memorial building. There were two books and one of them had a picture drawn of two planes flying near the tower and the next page showed a giant explosion. That was too much for a children't book IMO, and my son shut the book and put it away at that point. We bought the other one which talked about the man who walked on the wire between the towers in the 70's. At the end of the book it simply says, "The towers are now gone." and I told my son that some bad men made the towers fall down and we were all very sad and that is why daddy had to go away for awhile (my husband is a Captain in the National Guard). My son, in all boyness said, "So he could find the men and shoot them?" We changed the subject then...
All of that to say, share with your children what's going on in the world. Let them help! Have them brainstorm ways to get involved, but don't make it scarier than it needs to be. Keep it appropriate to the age of your kid. I didn't tell my son about the earthquake in Haiti because we live in Southern California and earthquakes happen here too. I don't want to worry him, but I'm not afraid to tell him that sometimes bad things happen.
As in all things I think it depends on the child. My oldest child has a form of ADD that causes intense anxiety. He was 5, nearly 6, when Hurricane Katrina tore through NOLA. He was terrified and perseverated on hurricanes and flooding for over 6 months afterwards. This was after seeing only a tiny fraction of the news about the flooding. We tried to explain it to him, rationalize why it happened, we got the older kids active in fund raising for Katrina and NONE of it helped my son. Only time and neurofeedback therapy helped calm his anxiety.
Now that my oldest kids are 10 and 8 we do share with them about disasters and we pray for the people affected and do as much as we can to help. My now 5 year old seems to handle things much better than her brother so we don't hide much from her except for things that are truly horrible and incomprehensible to a young child. But then again we guard very carefully what they watch on television and since they are not in school we don't have to worry as much about what they'll hear from other children. That allows us the freedom to address these issues on our own terms and not the media's.
@duskowl - I'm curious then, when my oldest kids were 2 and 3 1/2 our region was under attack from the "DC sniper" and I had to be very careful about getting them in and out of daycare, deciding whether to take them to the store, etc. Would you be so honest with your children that you would tell them there is an insane lunatic shooting completely randomly at people all around where you live and go to school and that he's already killed a bunch of people? Will you share with your young children the horror of abortion when your 5 year old asks what it means that "Obama kills babies" because they heard that at school?
I think it is easy to say you will "always be honest with your kids" and some people really are, which is an entirely different discussion about what is psychologically healthy and developmentally appropriate, but it is another thing entirely when you are faced with situations that you could have never anticipated. When 9/11 hit my husband was working on a contract at the Senate. He had just finished a Pentagon contract a couple of months earlier. No way in hell would I have told my children that the city where their daddy worked every day was attacked. In fact we didn't tell them anything about it until just a couple of years ago. Proximity makes a huge difference in what children can cope with and what they should know.
While I think its of the best intentions to shield children from any and all tragedy whenever remotely possible, I think its actually not always that great for them. :/
I think that the reason a lot of adults end up desensitized to tragedy and anyone less fortunate until they themselves feel the touch of such things, is because as children they were shielded from it too much.
That doesn't mean that you should let kids see all the nitty gritty, terrible details. That doesn't mean that every tragedy that comes along needs to be shared in ANY capacity. But, basic knowledge at an early age might help foster compassion and empathy later in life.
That doesn't mean EVERY child needs to have this occur in order to be a compassionate adult later in life. But, the problem is that you just don't know if your child needed that until they've already grown up and it is too late. :/
But, at the same time you want to be very careful not to traumatize kids with too much detail and knowledge before they're ready. So, it can be a slippery slope, but it isn't impossible at all.
I disagree with that approach totally and completely. You should have explained what had happened and what misery and suffering those poor people are enduring. Kids should not be shielded from tragedy or death. It is an unavoidable part of life and they need to learn about it. I was 5 or 6 when I stood at a railroad accident with my father, and looked at ground up human remains that were spread over about 500 feet of track. The engineer was holding the man's glasses and crying. The workers were throwing sawdust on the remains and sweeping them up into plastic bags. My father told me: "That's why you do not play around railroad tracks!" This was a valuable lesson because we lived by the tracks. When my friends went to the yards to play around the boxcars, etc., I never, ever went. I could give many more examples, but this one has probably already sickened some readers. Sorry guys, but it's called LIFE! Accept it or check out.
@bibiker@xanga - that is an impression, indeed! If i had seen that, i would NEVER play by the tracks!
This is something I plan on never doing when I am a mother. Granted I am only 17, I do have the common sense to know that sheltering kids is not a good idea. I was never sheltered completely. I grew up around drugs. I knew about rape, murder, disasters, and such from a young age. I was never traumatized. I cannot speak for everyone, since that would be overgeneralizing based on my own experience, but it isn't healthy to raise children thinking the world is a place full of unicorns and fairies. Children need to know that the world isn't a pleasant place.
And to the "Obama kills babies" issue: Just explain to the child that when they are older they will understand. I was told that when I asked too many question and was given an explanation when I reached an appropriate age. Explain to the child that they won't be able to understand and tell them that when they are ready, they will understand.
Not knowing, and hearing only bits and pieces can be scary, too. Your nephew will undoubtedly hear something from people around him, and I think it's best that he know that he can count on his family to explain things for him. When my little brother was 4 (and I was 17), the Twin Towers came down. Rather than shelter him from it, we looked at pictures in the newspaper together and prayed for the people and their families. We did not, however, use the TV as we felt it was not necessary for him to hear peoples' "opinions" about it; we wanted to keep it to the facts (the bad guys stole the airplane and made it run into a building, and lots of people got hurt... what do you think we can do to help those people?) I think you could do the same with your cousin; "There was an earthquake, and it made some houses fall down. Some people got hurt. What do you think we could do to help them?" He could draw a picture, say a prayer, send a few pennies from his piggy bank in to help with the relief effort. Your maturity about the situation will set the grounds for how he reacts to tragedies in the future. It would also be a wonderful opportunity to discuss what your family would do in the event of an emergency--a fire, tornado, hurricaine, or whatever most commonly happens in your area.
my mom tried to completely shelter me from tragedy.
but I found ways around it. it would've been better had my mom tried to explain things to me before I found out from other sources... and such.
They can handle it. They have to learn. People need to remember that they are never raising a child, but training an adult. Stop hamstringing their ability to cope with life.
You were sheltered yourself as a kid, weren't you?
The nice thing about reality is that no matter how vehemently you deny it, it remains as it is. Cloistering yourself away from it is the only "defense" you have, and a poor one at that. But hey, if it's all you've got....
I think children need to learn tragedy. For if, they do not when they are young, they will have no idea how to react once they are older. For instance, as a child, I dealt with numerous deaths in my family. The earliest one being my brother when I was only 3. So from a young age I understood 'death' and everything that surrounds it, funerals, visitation, church, etc. So, once I was in middle school and my favorite uncle died that was very close to me, my best friend had NO IDEA how to act. I told her, its just apart of life. I don't want him to be dead, but he is, you have to accept it. She was so oblivious to the concept of death and such. I was very confused since, I had dealt with many deaths since I was young, I didn't realize a lot of other kids don't. Though death and other things going on it the world are terrible things for a child so young to have to deal with, they will have to eventually, they might as well learn little by little as they grow older. It helped me out a lot.
Considering this was not your child, i think you did the right thing. It's not your place to tell that news or not. But for me with my children, (i only have a 13 month old right now) but i will be honest with what is going on in the world. Abroad and right here around her. For lots of reasons, one being i want her to grow up in an honest environment, two i want her to grow up praying and so i will teach her to pray for those in need and help think of ways to help, third i wouldn't divulge too much fearful information, i would definitely give age appropriate answers. But, each parent has to do what they think is best. So, while this works for me and my family it might not for everyone. :)