Tuesday, 12 January 2010
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Interracial/Intercultural/Interreligious Parenting?
One of the last bits said to me by an ex were "Honestly I didn't think you could handle raising Chinese children".
Our's was an interracial relationship with some cultural and religious differences thrown in for good measure. A year ago it semi-ended (or fully ended depending on which of us you'd ask) hinging on a conversation of what religion/culture our kids would be raised in.
I ranted and raved that I wanted this guy to help me raise the possible future kidlets with my religion, and I would help him raise the kidlets with his culture. I got so twisted up in the details and possible barriers that I scared this guy off instantly. I think the only message he heard out of a 2-3 hours conversation may very well have been "I don't think you can handle raising my kids with my religion".
Unfortunately, I shall never know what he thought of this since we no longer speak. But his last comment to me does not cease to sting, even though it doesn't actually ring true to my mind.
So actual moms please give feedback....not necessarily the same but how did you know you could handle raising kids in the first place? And how did you know you could handle inter-whatever two partners are issues?
What about adopting moms, your kids might be a different race or from a different culture, how did you deal with being ready/able to handle those differences? Or is the ex correct -would-be parents of a different race/religion/culture need to back off?
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About the Author
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- From: planetx@xanga
- Name: planetx
- Location: United States
- About Me: "Honestly I didn't think you could handle raising Chinese kids"
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Comments (38)
My husband and I are white, our daughters are of mixed racial descent(black and white, and black, white and Hispanic).
To be perfectly honest, we haven't given much thought to intentionally raising them with a deep awareness of how we are different. Instead, we explore ALL cultures (and religions) together, openly, and with a lot of discussion. My children are as familiar with Mexican food and sushi and Ethiopian food as they are with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They like reggae and zydeco music and Miley Cyrus. We are members of a Christian Reformed church but they have been to a Buddhist temple, a mosque and have set in on Jewish, Catholic and non religious weddings. We celebrate Dutch holidays along with traditional American ones because I'm Dutch and those are things we did when I was a child. They have friends that are from all backgrounds and so do we.
I think if we felt particularly strongly about our history we'd get more in depth with it, but we want our children to have an overall comfort with the fact that different people celebrate different things, have different foods and different customs but we're all human. It's all easy to enjoy and appreciate, even if we feel no strong ties to it. Hopefully my girls will grow up with a strong sense of who they are as a human, NOT based on the color of their skin.
@Kait82521@xanga - Wow, that's great. I'm sure your children will grow up very well educated, which will definitely be an advantage.
@Kait82521@xanga - that is awesome
Honestly, there is no book to help anyone out in this situation. I myself deal with the problems of two religions/two different ethnicities as well.
We just celebrate everything. I teach the children about different holidays that are celebrated around the world and we learn about different things all the times.
My feeling is this...if you won't exclude a food from your diet (meaning Chinese, Japanese, French, Mexican, Spanish...etc.), why exclude learning about the culture as well. Making a child more well rounded about things will lead to them being accepting and tolerant of other people in life.
I am not a Mom, but I am an Aunt to two nieces. My Brother and I are mixed race: Mom is Caucasian and Dad is Native American. I think the most important thing to remember is to expose your family to *all* of the cultural richness around them through movies, music, art, food etc without family boundaries. When it comes to these family boundaries though, allow children to identify themselves. Race is a socially constructed concept so in reality it's fluid.
I am white and my DH is black. I'm American and he is Middle Eastern. It is custom for children to take the father's last name (that is the child's identity) and to take the father's religion (unless one is Jewish and then you become Jewish if your mother is a Jew). I don't plan on teaching my children anything about my culture. I don't really HAVE a culture being American. I am learning about my husband's culture and that is the culture our children will be raised in. We are both Muslims (he's a born Muslim, I'm a revert) so our children will be Muslims. There will be no IFs, ANDs, or BUTs about that. I personally don't believe inter-faith marriages will ever work and my DH agrees with me. It only confuses the children if mommy has a different religion then the children and their father. I say if you get into a inter-faith marriage then you need to either accept the father's right to raise his kids in his religion as is custom, or compromise. I'm not one for getting rid of tradition on this point.
My dad is Japanese and, after my parents divorced when I was 5 or so, my white mom did her best to expose us to Japanese culture. She had learned some stuff, cultural, food, etc, from my father's mom and passed that on to us. We grew up eating Japanese food and celebrating some Japanese holidays and such. My mom has always been very interested in other cultures though so she also exposed us to a wide variety of things. I have my own daughter now, with my German husband, who is of a slightly different religion. We chose his religion since it has been in his family longer and my family can't ever decide on anything, and we, without thinking really, expose our daughter to all sorts of cultures, but especially her own (mainly Japanese and German). I think it's important to teach children that other cultures have a lot to offer and one should never shy away from an opportunity to learn something about someone else's part of the world (especially when it comes to yummy food!) but I do think it is really important for parents to educate their children about their own cultures and family history, after all, it's a part of who they are.
I'm not a mom or anything, but I thought this was an interesting post. Personally, my family is bengali and muslim, but I've been together with a non-muslim white guy for the past 5 years.. I consider myself a humanist, buut it's put me at huge odds with my mom. Our relationship has suffered greatly because of this, but it's tough because she doesn't want to cut ties and neither do I, but she doesn't want to accept me not being muslim or being with someone non-muslim. Neither can I give up being with someone simply because my mom envisioned a different future for me where I would marry a muslim bengali person that would become her second son.. nor can I follow a religion I've found to not believe in, especially when I've found something that works for me and appeals to the sort of reasoning that I trust.
It's really rough when you grow up in a country that values free-thinking and encourages you to be open-minded when your parents religions or customs are so restrictive and faith-based that there is no amount of reasoning that will allow your parents to move past you not thinking like them. So I think the important thing is keeping an open mind.. I guess I'm writing this for anyone who happens to read this and wants to raise their child strictly one way - It's important to teach morals and ethics, but there's so many avenues of philosophy, thoughts and traditions.. and religion isn't the only way to teach morals or ethics. you might raise them one way but they might very well find peace and happiness in another type of thought, the important thing is to still be their parent and understand that they will be another person... so please prepare for this and consider this.. Just saying
Wait, you go into a 2-3 hour argument about how kids you didn't have were going to be raised? That's intense.
my mother raised me and my sister Christians but took us to Jewish synagogues, other places of worship and we traveled many different places, met many people rich and poor. We lived in the most diverse communities with nice schools, and all i can say is that has made us way more accepting than i would have thought. its a privilege to experience those things when young. Im grateful that i can go into a foreign culture or environment and try the food learn their traditions and be open to learn, thats what my mother taught me.
@Kait82521@xanga - I agree with what she said. Even if my son were not interracial, my husband and I would still raise him to be aware of as many religions and cultures as possible.
@OP I can't believe you argued for 2-3 hours about children that you do not have.
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I am Caucasian American, my husband is Indian and grew up in India. We both grew up in Christian homes (this I believe has been the biggest plus to our relationship "working") We have three small children and the biggest disagreement with the kids has been discipline. We attend two churches, one is an African American church in the city where we live. It took me a long time to warm up to it because I am almost always the ONLY white person there. The other church we attend is an Indian church. I love the people that we worship with and have learned so much about both of these cultures and I hope my children do too as they get older and more aware of different cultures.
I love the Indian culture and have embraced it. It is a rare occasion that I make dinner a meal that I grew up eating. I don't regret it or feel like I am "giving up" my culture for him.
One thing I do want to add, I think when two people get married, regardless of where they are from or what color their skin is, even if they grew up in the same neighborhood, there are going to be cultural issues.
Although my husband and I are both of Asian descent, he is Chinese and I am Hmong. We were both raised in different settings and religions (he is Buddhist and I am Christian), and our families are traditional. Even though we may appear to be the same when we stand next to each other, our families are quite different and it makes a big difference in how we raise our son. Despite our differences, we agreed from the beginning that just as we respect each others' differences in background, culture, and religion, we would also teach our son to do the same. We would not force our son to pick and choose between us, but rather learn the differences and choose which route he wants to go. Religion is more of a personal experience.
In regards to differences in culture, we plan to teach him the cultures and to respect them all because you cannot escape culture (like you can with religion) when interacting with other people. What is most important is that the children learn to acknowledge differences in general and not be prejudice or ignorant.
When I was pregnant, I didn't think culture would play such a big role, but it did. Older and traditional Chinese women are set in their ways and you can easily offend them if you rebel against them. I also did not escape my own culture because of my mom's presence. With the time that has passed, I've learned to not sway tradition and just go with it unless I want to reck havoc.
Some cultural differences between parents can create serious challenges for raising children, but religion is the biggest one. If you have very strong faith, and you're trying to have someone who's faith is fundamentally incompatible raise children with you... it's not going to work.
I think every culture has something to offer, and exposing children to many different cultures has value. I think I'll avoid going to much into my views on religion here, but... Religious differences can definitely introduce some interesting challenges into a relationship, and in some cases make any effort at a serious relationship ultimately futile.
@Kait82521@xanga - that is really amazing.
We are a multi-cultural family - myself having Native American, Egyptian, Dutch, Irish, and African American, my husband is Norwegian and Swedish. Our children are people. :) I never "labeled" our colors, and sometimes they call me "brown", and sometimes when they create pictures of our family they color themselves brown and my husband yellow...to them it isn't about "race", but its a wonderful chance to use more colors in their crayon box. Children aren't born with ideas of race and division. Unless they are exposed to these ideas, they won't see people that way. Or if they are sheltered and not exposed to a diverse group of people and even, yes, religions. We moved into a neighborhood that was diverse purposefully. I don't fit into one of those race boxes one has to checkmark when you apply for a job somewhere, and I don't want my children to see the world in categories like those boxes offer. Religion, race, or otherwise, we all have differences, but our similarities is what makes us one.
And though some parents like to say you cannot raise a child that way in today's world, this is simply not true. If religion is extremely important to you, then you may want a household that is in total agreement with that religion. But exposing children to differing views is a positive thing even when it comes to religion, because bottom line, there will come a day when they have to decide for themselves what they believe, and that will only help them to recognize what is truth. Some religious people are afraid to be exposed to other religions, or other beliefs, but questioning is at the heart of all discovery and if one is never allowed to question, then answers will never be found. :)
@Erika_Steele@xanga - This didn't strike me as odd originaly because I thought I was talking with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. In hindsight, especially since this line of questioning was brought up a second time right before he stopped speaking to me, he was probably just baiting me for an excuse to leave the relationship. Instead of fishing for compliments it was fishing for trouble.
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I think it will be better if we adopt children since they are still a baby because we don't need to "push" them to adapt with our culture or surrounding.
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