Saturday, 02 January 2010
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Help! Should We Have One or Two Children?
Husband and I are trying to decide whether to pursue trying to have Baby #2. Baby #1 just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago, but as we are both older, we are trying to have #2 sooner rather than later. If I don't get pregnant by year end, then we're not going to try anymore. Now, some of you may say, just try, and if you get pregnant, then it's meant to be. Unfortunately, we have to do IVF, which is why it's a decision to consider whether to even go ahead with the procedure and cycling.
Both of us are on the fence, so I thought I'd post this and throw it out for some advice from fellow Xangaians!
Main reason to have another - so Baby #1 is not lonely and will have someone to play with growing up. The closeness in age will also help. Also, when we are gone, the siblings will have one another to rely on.
Main reason NOT to have another - what if Baby #1 is jealous and doesn't like Baby #2? Financially would be tough, as I am a newly transitioned SAHM. We won't be receiving any help from either side of the family. Baby #1 is extremely active, and after 1 year, still not sleeping through the night so we're quite tired. Just thinking about having another is scarily tiring. We've jokingly said that if someone told us the second one will be an angel and sleep through the night at 8 weeks, hands down, we will have a second!
So, thoughts please, should we have a second child?!
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About the Author
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- From: tJoY0103@xanga
- Name: Tina
- Location: Massachusetts, United States
- About Me: everything about me...
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Comments (71)
Well how much IVF did you have to go through to get the first one? I wouldn't do more than two cycles because of the cost.
Really, I don't think it's something anybody else but you and your husband can decide.
I think you should because siblings are so important, baby # 1 will end up loving her little sister or brother and once you fall in love with your second child, you wouldn't give them up for all the money in the world. You'll be more experienced and have better control - whatevr you do, i hope you are happy and make the right decision for you!
Ultimately, it's up to both of you, but I've thought about the same question and I would say Yes. I grew up with a sister who was 4 years older than me. Growing up, we did fight a lot, didn't have much in common, I got her hand me downs, etc. Now that we're both adults, we are the BEST of friends. I really did enjoy growing up with a sister, even though we had our moments, and now, having a sister is priceless, to me! :) I hope to give the same thing to my daughter, whether it's a sister or a brother. I think siblings are great! I wish you guys the best of luck!!
Siblings are great, ya know a bond with someone no matter what. They dont always get along,but you love them. This only something you can decide, I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure its a tough choice. Sometimes only children tend to not share or compromise as well as others, not all of them but some. I understand ur concerns but you have to really think do u want another child. Your fist kid will get over the fact that there is another baby.
i think having two children really helps reduce 'spoiled-ness' but of course you can make sure not to spoil your only child as well. what i would do is wait until your first child is settled (i.e. sleeping through the night, has a good routine, etc) and then have a second, even though you said you didn't want to wait. if you have another baby without being settled with the first it'll be really tough on you as a stay at home mom
Actually, I've always thought two siblings are ideal, especially if it is a boy and a girl. At first the older one will of course be jealous, but that fades rather quickly, and the first born will fall in love with the younger. Having two is a great idea, though of course, double the work and exhaustion.
Martha
Have a second. Or adopt a second. I think siblings are so incredibly important. My brother and I are five years apart and we had a couple really horrible years when we were both teens, but before and after we have been the very best of friends. If nothing else, it's nice knowing that there is at least one other person on the planet that totally gets it and gets you, even if you're not alike at all.
Of course this is a decision that's up to both of you. I personally wish I had waited a little while longer to have #2 (my children are 12 months and 29 days apart - we got pregnant with #2 on a "practice run" of TTC). But now that they're 2 1/2 and 3 1/2, it is SO much easier. They occupy each other and they just plain love each other. I'm sure that will change a bit when they're teenagers, but hey, I'm happy for now.
I honestly think that the transition from zero to one child is much harder than the transition from one to two children. And by the time you get pregnant and actually have the baby, your first child will be almost 2 or 2 years old minimum, and more than likely sleeping through the night.
Good luck - I know that has to be a tough decision!
I personally think kids who grow up with a sibling learn to be better, well-rounded individuals than those who are only children. Not to say only children are rotten people, but they tend to have a tougher time adjusting to real life.
@liferemainsbeautiful@xanga - I have a boy and a girl, and while I had hoped to have two kids of the same gender, their personalities work out PERFECTLY.
Two children, I personally think it's good to grow up with siblings, however only children do just as well. Only you and your husband can decide.
I don't have any children yet (we're trying) but I was an only child and my fiance grew up with many siblings. Being an only child was horrible. I was teased in school and had no brother or sister to help. My childhood was very boring and lonely. My fiance often fondly recounts the fun he had with his siblings when they were younger, and even now they come to each other for advice and help each other through tough times. I wish I had that. We decided without a doubt that we're having more than 3 kids, close in age, because I don't want my kid to go through what I did. Good luck with your decision!
#1 is a horrible reason to have a child, in my mind. It's a great side-effect, but should never be a main reason. Kids have friends to entertain them. Their parents shouldn't be considering having another child purely for the first's enjoyment.
Besides, you really sound like you're full up with the first kid. Pay attention to your first child and don't worry about having a second kid. Honestly, what real reason is there to have one? You have already procreated. If you're not exactly sure about your financial stability, why even bother? Instead of having one happy kid, you could end up having two miserable kids. I think I'd prefer handling the happy one.
@liferemainsbeautiful@xanga - It...doesn't always work that way. I have an older brother. We literally never got along. He was also insanely jealous and rebellious. He's 24 now, and I'm about to turn 20, and even though we live in the same house, he barely even acknowledges me as a person.
I agree with Mangonese@xanga.
You didn't say anything at all about wanting a second child at all, beyond the benefits it would bring your current child. A child should be wanted for him/herself and it doesn't seem like you want that, so I say don't.
I don't have any kids and am far off from even thinking about it, but it seems the option of not having child #2 would be the only choice you could possibly regret. :) In other words, you may wonder for the rest of your life if you should have had another child and maybe even regret not having one, but if you do choose to have another, I doubt you'd ever, ever regret it or be able to imagine life without him/her.
With that said, I do agree with tornadochaser.
Good luck in your decision making!
If you have many children you won't have to die in a nursing home.
How did having children change your life? Do you enjoy motherhood? Share your story and connect with other moms.
I was an almost only child well sort of ( I had half, adopted and step siblings) but I was the only one in the house growing up. I think I may have matured in SOME ways more quickly because I was not around anything but adults most of the time but in so many ways I feel as if I really missed out. Every year for Christmas and my bday I would ask for a sibling. I feel that having a sibling would have kept me entertained and would have helped me socialize. I say have two! Even if you waited one more year I think the age difference would still be good but yea def, I say go for it!
My younger sister and I are 18 months apart. I hated her while growing up. We always fought, and my parents would ALWAYS take her side. Once, when we were about 8 and 9 years old, she threw a fit inside a restaurant because she "didn't want to sit next to the pepper." And I got MY ass busted for it. She would wreck things in the house and blame it on me. Once I wouldn't give her the TV remote, and she smacked the glasses right off of my face, and punched me in the back of the head. All I could see for an hour were stars, I was afraid I'd been blinded. Couldn't go to Mom because she would've just said "Should've given her the remote."
The day I turned 18 I moved out of the house and went to live with my grandmother. It was the best day of my life. I could finally watch what I wanted on TV and listen to my headphones without her screaming that she could still hear them through the walls.
Today we mostly get along. She does a lot of things that I don't agree with, but I don't really care enough to fight with her about it. She's an adult and can make her own choices. My choice is to stay away when it finally catches up to her.
I, myself, have a wonderful 2-year-old son. I can't imagine for the life of me having to divide up my attention between him and another child. One is plenty enough for me, and I have no intention of possibly putting him through the same hell I went through.I'm not saying that all siblings fight. But don't assume that they all get along, either.
YES. seriously, i think only children miss out on so much life experience. i have five siblings and wouldn't have it any other way (except, of course, having more!). if i were to ever have a kid, i would have at least two.
I dont think having another child will lead to jealousy unless you play the favorite game
I am very close to my older brother. I look up to him a lot and hes always there for me. But then again i'm the little one in this case. I'm young so obviously I have no parent hood experince but I used to babysit my 10 month baby cousin for 3 months and it was hell! So yea its a lot of work and if your already restless with the other it will be 10x worse. So factors to consider but i would say to do it because its a great experience to have a sibling at least it was fo me. And they would always have each other.
honestly.. it doesn't even sound like you want another baby.
It sounds to me like you want one to give #1 a playmate.. well get a puppy instead.
I am worried that if you go through all those IVFs that this 2nd child will come with a lot of resentment and high expectations. And I don't think its fair that you put an innocent child in that place.
If you want other children in the home, wait until #1 is 2 or 3 and become foster parents.
You might want to consider Foster Care, and adoption, to help with playmates for baby #1