Sunday, 20 December 2009

• Children Learn by Example

  Guest Post by mama TRUE
  
  

  
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  This week’s guest post is by Monica Cravotta, an Austin mama keen on discovering how to put both self-care and attachment parenting into practice. She’s the voice behind Attachmentmama.com and contributing writer for API Speaks.  Be sure to check out her site.

  I have to remind myself daily how unbelievably powerful modeling is for my children. We’ve learned from Montessori schooling just how absorbent a child’s mind is from birth to around age 6. They possess limitless motivation to absorb knowledge quickly and effortlessly. As they literally take everything in from their environment, the world around them becomes what they know, what they do, how they express and how they define what’s “normal.”

  It’s amazing to hear and see how I am mimicked and frequently receive a hard-to-accept, albeit necessary, mirror in my face of mannerisms that I’m modeling for my 3 year-old that I wish I wasn’t.
  

  The latest example of this reflection is her repetitive, tersely stated, “STOP it!” that she says freely to me, her father, or her baby sister in response to any multitude of random things.

  Or another recent eye-opener: “Mommy! I. Want. That. Cereal. Right. NOW!”

  I need and seek new levels of patience every day and occasionally find myself cursing Alfie Kohn and his suggestion in Unconditional Parenting to simply give a toddler more time. He insists that just an additional five or ten minutes can be all that’s required. I know in my heart that he is so right on. 99% of my parenting frustration comes from wanting my 3 year-old to do something faster so we can be wherever we’re supposed to be on time, or move on to the next thing – finishing a meal, getting ready for bed, sleeping, etc.

  My husband and I have both said so many times, “We just don’t have time for this.”

  With the exception of school, we don’t really have to be anywhere or do anything five or ten minutes faster than my toddler feels up for.

  And there’s an easy solution for getting rid of the get-to-school-on-time stress that we face DAILY that we simply must adopt. Immediately. I want to transform the morning “no, no, no” stresses to sweet family time together. We simply must set an alarm and get the whole family up and eating and having fun getting ready together a full hour before we have to leave for school.

  All that to say, what’s happening is an ongoing experience from my 3 year-old’s point of view of witnessing me frustrated, saying things I feel awful about afterward like, “If you don’t stop that right now I’m going to walk away and leave you by yourself.” UGH! This is the conditional love for children that Kohn describes so many of us falling into. I want to embody and express and model unconditional love for my girls!

  Modeling is everything. And I would argue that unconscious modeling of parental behavior continues well beyond this sensitive early childhood period.

  I think there are two ways we can inadvertently set up our children to not fully live a Blissful life of following their own precious, unique dreams.

  One way is to fall into the conditional parenting mode in which you consistently reward behavior or accomplishments that you like and punish those you don’t, setting up a child to lose intrinsic motivation to make positive choices for herself, or to pursue a skill or craft or activity because he or she is drawn to it, versus doing it to please you. Check out Kohn’s New York Times article, “Parental Love with Strings Attached.”

  The second way we can tragically set up our children to not follow their dreams is by not following our own. As long as we are alive, it is never too late to follow our bliss. And in doing so we give such an amazing, wonderful gift to our children of modeling what we hope for their lives.

  Outside of parenting, which often feels like our most fulfilling, heart-expanding work – what do you love to do? Perhaps your personal interests have shifted since becoming a parent. If you could follow your own personal, precious, unique bliss today, what would it be? Are there ways to share it with your children?

  Life is short. Anything is possible.

  
  

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