That encourages me. Thanks. : D

THANK YOU for posting this. the "father" has only seen our son for 2 weeks when he was barely 5 months old to do the paternity test and the child support paperwork thru court. (he is going to be 4 this Feb) i was 5 months pregnant w/our son and a month and a half before our wedding when i found out he was cheating on me. after he left, i found out the hard way he had a "girlfriend" 2 weeks before he bounced, and a year later married her (she already had a daughter from a previous marriage). they just had a girl last october (so she's a yr old now). i think finances just suck @$$ right now, and I can't get any "assistance" from the govt 'cause I make "too much money." um, okay, since when is $23K for a family of 2 too much money???? I was living with my parents for 3 yrs before I was finally able to scrape up some money last yr and move out. the child support i do get is $200 less than what his daycare is total per month. my dad cuts me a check for $200 to put towards my rent. my mom is paying 2-3x a month for groceries, toiletries, etc just so that i don't have to "waste" my money. he thinks sending our son a xmas and bday present qualifies him as the "father of the year" and usually tries to go for the most extravagant gift possible (2 yrs ago he bought him one of those john deere tractors that has the motor in it to drive...aren't they at LEAST $300????). he doesn't call, doesn't send pictures, doesn't send letters. just the xmas and bday gifts. he just sent me a txt message via yahoo messenger a week and 1/2 ago asking what he wanted for xmas. when i told him of my current financial situation (child support case came up for it's 3 yr review. he's military and deployed right now... so the court can't touch him), i asked if he could spare the $200 per month to help pay for the difference w/child care costs...he said he "couldn't afford it," yet when I told him how my tv doesn't even work anymore (since it's 25 yrs old and no picture comes on the tv... he had wanted to get him a dvd to which i replied "don't bother...the tv doesn't work anymore") he offered to buy one for me. *scratches head....does this confuse anyone besides me????* He always says how much he "misses him" and "wants to have a relationship" with him, but when I bring up when he's going to come out to visit, he'll hem and haw about how he has to have his WHOLE "family" come out to visit and that's a lot of moola to pay for airfare. *rips out hair*

sometimes, I wish I could just never speak to him ever again,...i feel bad 'cause I don't want to be the "bad mom" for having such negative feelings towards him. it's so hard to describe the "father" in this little tiny box 'cause it would take several pages to explain everything about him. hahahhahaa.

so, in answer to your question...his unwillingness to help out, and yet he whines and complains about not being able to see our son. um,...i've give him PLENTY of chances, but he's not making the effort to come see him. *sighs*

Stay strong! 

this is a great post, keep up the good work! When I saw the title I was like "ME TOO!" But it's a good lesson that even when life isn't how we would have planned, it's the life we have, and might as well make the most of it. My son's father has only met him once and soon he'll be going back to Mexico and won't see him at all. In some ways I mourn that loss for myself (for the support I could have had from him, and because I love him) and for my son (who won't know his father). But the circumstances of our lives make it so that it has to be that way, and in some ways I'm lucky. We have EXTREMELY different perspectives on parenting, and I know he would have put a lot of pressure on our son to be a "manly man" and brought way too much traditional machismo into his life. 

@someone_to_love_you@xanga - I do so feel your pain, but you have already realized that he isn't going to help. Most importantly, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. I am so sincere, if and when you have to go to court, having  things in black and white is all they will see and understand. I say this from personal experience, I beat him at his own game. He will point out small things that are in the order. For example, if I want to do something with our daughter he will say ' No, we should stick to the order' so when he comes back with the same request, I  just hit him in the head with his own line 'I'm sorry, but I beleive that we should stick to the order'. Talk about watching him get mad, oh yeah. Play the game honey play the game. he wants pics, send them. In the long run, he is only ruining his relationship with his son. Let him decide if he wants to create a relationship with dad. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and yes YOU CAN DO THIS.

Even tho im not a single mom, but i have been thru this before (my oldest daughter is by another man) and i understand every womens frustration but let me tell u something, whatever u do, never and i mean never keep your child from building a relationship with there dad, that is the child descion to make and when he/she gets older she can make that descion and say yes or no that she wants to be around her dad. as long as she/he is little u should always let that child see there father no matter what issues u have with him, your issues with there daddy has nothing to do with your child. i keep my issues between me and her dad and smile at him like nothing is wrong when she is around. I dont talk bad about him around her or to her regardless how angry i am at him at the moment. Please take my advice single mothers and try ur best to keep your issues that u have with your childs dad away from the children. let your kids be the one to make the descion to say if they want to bond with daddy or not.

TO THE WRITER, GREAT POST, MUCH LOVE YOUR WAY =)

I'm tired of people who make the comment "never keep the children from seeing their Dad".  I lived with this guilt for year and it was a mistake.  My daughters father would run out the back door when the Sheriff's department tried to serve him with a subpoena to establish child support through the court.  He would only send birthday and Christmas presents too and a few hundred dollars very inconsistently - nothing I could ever count on.  This man has an airplane, 2 harleys, a 5 bedroom house...  He didn't show up to court even after I got him served - he knew that I would get a default judgement based on him making minimum wage - $300 a month.  This s.o.b. makes about $40,000 a month.

Regardless I convinced myself of this psychobabble b.s. that you should never keep the child from her father.  He would make plans with her and not show up making my daughter miserable for days and even weeks.  I finally told him if he could not be consistent that he shouldn't bother.  He's not bothering.  WHY ON EARTH WOULD I SEND MY LITTLE GIRL OFF WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

Ladies - look here, we got involved with irresponsible men...not good guys.  The writing was on the wall for me for years, but I wanted to believe in love.  Now you want me to believe that I should let my daughter have a relationship with a man who can't even show up for court to support her and runs out the back door when the Sheriff comes.  HELL NO.  Not happening.  The bad behavior stops with me...I'm not going to let it continue with her.

As women and mothers we need to start holding men accountable and to a higher standard than letting them walk all over us, letting them walk all over our kids and abiding by some b.s. philosophy that they still deserve to see them or we'll somehow be screwing up our kids.  These are the same shitty boundaries (that don't hold other people accountable to treating us with respect) that have gotten many of us into the single mother situation in the first place. You can do this on your own, take control of the situation and buck up girlfriends.

I live in LA.  I have no family, few friends and obviously no father involved.  To hear our blog writer talk about having the support of her mom and dad is such a fortunate situation to be in.  Making 23k is not going to cut it though.  With all that support, why not get more education.  There are so many programs on-line even.  What about a paralegal certificate...you can get one in as little as 14 weeks and double your income.  Just a suggestion.