Spencer now 10, almost (but don't rush it!) 11 months old. This was taken three days ago.
He is my Sonshine, my only Sonshine. He makes me happy when skies are gray...
Oh how I love that little boy of mine! Everything about him! His crooked toes, his orange-stained nose, the way he squeals with delight when I come through the door every evening, his laugh, his smile... Everything!
Except for the hair pulling! My son pulls hair. He pulls hair HARD! It started out when he was only about a month old; he'd grasp a fistful of my hair in one hand and just hold it. Pure delight on my part- I loved that he used a "piece of me" as an improvised security blanket. In the middle of the night, as I'd nurse, he'd eat and he'd play with my hair. Then he'd drift off to sleep, his grip would relax, and I'd put him down to bed. It progressed to where he would twist it in his fist, and then to where he would flick the ends with his other hand as he gained more dexterity. Now he runs his fingers through my hair whenever we cuddle, which I really do love. At night, he's very gentle, and I know that he finds it soothing. It's not even every night; just once or so a week when he is feeling particularly in need of a good, long cuddle.
I suppose I should have nipped this in the bud, but it was so sweet, our own little 'thing' that we shared, and it didn't hurt. I didn't even see it progressing to hair
pulling until a couple of months ago. He'd get mad and he'd immediately go for my hair and give it a quick yank, or he'd see it swinging and just tug on it for no reason. I listened to the book that said "Don't give a reaction- they'll enjoy the noise if you say Ow!" and then I listened to my parents who said, "Tell him NO and take his hands away." I've even thought of listening to acquaintances who suggested tugging his hair back, but I can't bring myself to do that. Telling him NO firmly and watching his startled face crumple to tears was heartbreaking enough, I can't purposely inflict pain on my 10-month-old just because "he hurt me first". So that's how it went- I told him NO, quite firmly, yesterday, more loudly than I ever had before, and my son's heart broke. I didn't scare him, I don't think- I just think he realized it was an "angry" noise and that upset him. I comforted him after I told him "don't pull hair", and thought maybe I'd finally have made some progress. I hadn't even made it into the kitchen with my seemingly defeated baby before he was yanking on my head again.
I don't know what to do! He loves to yank on my hair. He's very strong, very stubborn (if you take one hand away, he'll reach around with the other until I have to put him down), and not quite old enough to really "get it". It's a game to him, I know it, but he also uses it as a means to vent his frustration when he's angry.
He's the perfect child. He really is- and if I do have to just tough it out for a few more months, I can do that... but if you have any words of wisdom that can save my hair AND my sanity, I'd certainly appreciate any gems you can offer forward.
Do I stop allowing him to play with my hair completely? Continue on with the "don't pull hair" bit, even though I can see its not working? Do I just cut it off? What advice can you put forth to keep me from going insane?
Spencer now 10, almost (but don't rush it!) 11 months old. This was taken three days ago.
Comments (33)
I recently had a clump of hair pulled out by a little one! I didn't say anything since it only happened once, I just try to keep my hair back around kids and hope I will be ok! I do notice that some children find it funny when you say "ow" so I can sympathize with how that technique did not work for you. Sometimes sounding firm works but I am a softie and feel bad when kids look upset after I raise my voice or become firm with them but it is necessary for you to do sometimes. Kids learn through discipline, you don't have to be mean of course but there is nothing wrong with taking a firm tone with a child so don't feel too guilty!
Megan did that when she was smaller. Around her sixth month, I gave up and cut it. Since then we've gone through a biting spree (clearly the people that say not to give a reaction have never been bitten by a 10-12 month old with top and bottom teeth and doing nothing, honestly, just made her try/bite harder.) and we're now on to, if she doesn't have my undivided attention and wants it? She will grab the skin on my arm, HARD...like, peeling the flesh off hard. We're running with, "NO!" and taking her hand away. She does grasp the concept of 'No.', but as with the older children, whether or not she chooses to listen depends on her mood at that moment. But she listens about 80% of the time at just shy of 13 months.
I went through this with our now 26 month old.
trust me, stop letting him play with your hair completely. And he is old enough now to understand that he gets the reaction he wants when he pulls your hair. Our tot pulled mine so hard when he was 11 months old that it provoked a migraine.
The "ow" thing worked, for about a day, then it was even more of a game to see how loud he could make mama yelp, and how much hair he could grab. I started wearing my hair up out of the way and when he reached for it, take both hands firmly in my own, state "no you cannot pull mama's hair" and put him on the floor with some toys. It took almost a month before it stopped, but it did.
Be firm, be loving, but most of all be consistent.
I totally understand that crumbled tear filled face, my son when he was younger liked to grab at his father's glasses, which we had to stop right away or they'd break, so my hubby would give him a stern NO and he'd crumble and cry and we'd feel bad, but we kept at it and in a short while he stopped, till this day he knows glasses are gentle things and shouldn't be touched and if he finds them placed anywhere he'd gently take them and run to his father so he could wear them :D
so just stick with it, as tough as it is, he'll get it and he wont get traumatized about it.
I cut mine off when my baby was 3 months old. Pulling my hair gives me an instant headache. None of that for me. Chin length is as far as I will go until she grows out of that stage.
He's just testing the limits of his world. Babies aren't born knowing right from wrong or consequences of actions. They learn by doing things and then watching what happens. If "what happens" is unpleasant, they will eventually learn that doing that thing which brings on unpleasantness is not something they should do and will stop doing it. As parents, it's not our jobs to protect our children from the natural consequences of the world. It's our job to show them which actions will hurt them and make them unable to function well in society, and which actions will likely bring about pleasant interactions and rewards. In the case of hair pulling, I agree with your parents. Your kid needs to learn, even at a young age, that pulling hair is a NO. It's not hurting him to startle him or make him cry over it. He is just learning that pulling hair brings about a negative response from others, isolates him, does not make other people smile and happy with him. As much as it hurts to put a stop to it now, it would be triply painful to never teach your son the way the world works: that pulling hair makes people angry, sad, and not want to hang out with him. And if he never learns this, he may just skip happily into preschool and yank on the hair of the first pretty girl he sees. He won't understand why his classmates are crying and avoiding him, as pulling hair has never been a negative thing before; it has always brought about a neutral response from mom. And then you will have to deal with the pain of your child's teacher confronting you about your child's bullying tendencies, and you'll find yourself crying because you know your child is really a sweet boy, and here he is hurting people, and you don't know how to put a stop to it or how it got to this point. I would definitely keep up with the firm "nos" and putting him down when he pulls too hard, and also rewarding/encouraging gentle interactions, i.e. taking his hand and showing what gentle touch is, especially when showing him how to pet animals and such, as pulling animal hair can lead to dog bites or cat scratches. He won't learn right away. In fact, after getting one negative response from you as a result of hair pulling, he doesn't immediately internalize that hair pulling always produces that response. He may think it's just a fluke. After all, every other time he's pulled hair, he's received a neutral or pleasant response. So he has to try again. Just like babies drop objects over and over again to learn about gravity, he will pull hair over and over again until he decides that "nope, guess hair pulling isn't a good idea. It always leads to bad things." The more you are consistent in your response and don't send him mixed messages about what pulling hair leads to, the quicker he will learn. Sending positive or neutral messages in amongst the negative about hair pulling only slows down the process.
We taught John the difference between gentle and "not nice". It was a little easier because we have cats to help him understand better. Part of this teaching did involve a lot of saying no loudly. As far as the crying goes, they get over it. John used to (and still does) the crying thing. Like Barniganflarn said, they are testing their limits, learning about the world etc. If you say no, they learn that there are consequences and that some things are unacceptable.
My son pulls my hair too. I don't want him to stop playing with my hair but, I don't want him to pull. He pulls everyone's hair. So I'm starting to loosen his grip and say "No, be gentle". I have a tough head so the hair pulling is more annoying than painful, but he pulls the dog's hair. Our dog is super patient but I'm worried that one day she's react and hurt him, because, she is a dog. So I'm trying to stop it as quickly as possible. He's catching on....especially with redirecting. He's six months old so, it's gonna take some work.
Tell him no and then put him down. My son doesn't pull hair but will sometimes bite. I try not to make a loud reaction but sometimes I am totally caught of guard. Most of the time I firmly tell him no and then put him on the floor. Yes he cries but it's okay he has to understand that there are consequences for actions and if you bite mommy then you can't stay in mommies lap. I would think it would work the same for the hair. Other than that I would say put it up to where he can't get it.
Just say no and teach him right from wrong. Some kids adapt bad habits through too much pampering, some naturally, but if you just be a little "mean" (raise your voice) then they would stop. If they continue to do it, maybe pretend to hit him lightly on his bottom or so... I just don't see the harm of teaching your kids a little discipline every now and then, something that will greatly benefit their lives later on as they strive to be independent individual.
@michcoy@xanga - That's my biggest obstacle- getting over the fear of being 'mean'. I am learning that it is not MEAN to discipline, it is loving and necessary. Doesn't change the fact that it's hard. :) Thank you for your empathy- I'm glad I'm not the only softie out there.
@filtered_sunlight - So there IS hope, lol. :) He's still learning what NO means. Up till now I've used "don't do that, please stop, don't touch, etc." for his other actions/behaviors that we've wished for him to stop, and he has listened. Trouble is, he simply doesn't need to be told to stop- he seems to intrinsically know not to touch his Nana's knickknacks, he is supremely gentle with the dog, he doesn't throw his food (the bottle is another story)... so I've not had to use NO, so he's not been able to learn it.
I'm glad to know that you've had progress with this method. I've been using it for a few days and it's shown slight improvement. So for you guys to be at about 80% success with her, that is a real light at the end of my tunnel. Thank you!
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - Spencer does seem to heartily enjoy making me yelp too; he really
thinks OW is a funny word, and has 'mocked' me saying it sometimes.
Though it saddens me to take away something that soothes him- he does have to learn that other people's bodies aren't for his personal amusement. So he won't be playing with my hair at all anymore. I see the wisdom in your words. The line is too hard to define for a little one, so it really does have to be all all or nothing. He can't pull hair to entertain himself or to show frustration. I'm going to hold off on cutting my hair in an effort to teach him the lesson versus to avoid it... but if the other new methods that I've imposed don't work, that will have to happen.
@KelseyLDoll@xanga - It did seem like slow-to-no progress to start. A lot of the time recently, it seems to be a "HEY! MY CUP! IT'S EMPTY!" sort of thing, too. The pets are still a learning spot for her...we ended up teaching her to pet with just her index finger because it stopped the whole grabbing thing with pretty decent success.
@sarahkmm - That's so cute that your son knows to give the glasses to Daddy.
That's what I want to eventually have happen- I don't want him to just stop when I say "NO!", I don't want him to do it at all.
I'm so glad you added that bit about not traumatizing him- I am afraid I will; I'll admit it. His father is a jerk and yells a lot so I don't want both households to be full of yelling for him. But there is a difference in saying NO firmly, and meaning it, and just yelling to yell at him. I'm not doing him any favors by letting him get away with misbehaving just because of my own past and guilt issues. Thank you for saying that.
@filtered_sunlight - They're sponges, that's for sure- they learn quickly, but they are individuals and have free will. :) I think that'll be our main hurdle. He assumes my hair to be his property, so breaking him of the habit I allowed him to form is going to be a lengthy process, and I get that.
What a great idea to teach her to pet with one finger! I never would have thought about that. Our dog is a bit of an unstable and unpredictable creature- my son is never unattended with her, and he's never able to touch her unless we 'force' the interaction. (I'm temporarily staying with my parents- it's their dog)- but my ex-husband's dog is a baby lover, so that tip will come in handy too if Spencer starts to be rough with their dog for some reason.
@BarniganFlarn@xanga - You're absolutely right. I need to not feel guilty for putting my foot down and disciplining him. Yes he's cute, yes he's normally the sweetest thing on earth, and yes he's just a baby- but that doesn't mean that I can't start teaching him right from wrong now, and the effect his actions have on other people.
I'm keeping with it. He's a sweet boy- he can do better. He deserves to grow up knowing right from wrong.
@KelseyLDoll@xanga - Most of the cats and our dog will get up and move if she comes too close. My 17 year old cat INSISTS on being by her while she's playing. Katie-kitty, I appreciate your love for the baby, but, uhm...she's trying to stuff Little People IN YOUR EAR. It might be smart to move at some point...
@Erika_Steele@xanga - I'm going to have to just toughen up a bit. Tough love is still love- and I need to get him into the habit of caring about other people's feelings and to know that it is not ok to hurt others.
@filtered_sunlight - Lol! Ours flees, but has thus far been very patient with him. I'm quite confident Spencer could beat his father's dog with a bat and then set her on fire and Maggie would still wag her tail at him. She's a wonderful, wonderful dog for kids.
Sounds like your kitty is quite unique! I've never heard of a cat that tolerant! :)
Don't worry if he gets upset at being told "no". My boyfriends brother is in 7th grade and throws huge fits anytime he can't get what he wants. The sad part is that his parents ALWAYS cave and give him what he wants as long as he whines/cries enough. If you nip the problem in the bud now, you'll have a well-behaved little kid later who won't throw a huge hissy fit when he's told "no".
I cut my hair short, not to stop my daughter from pulling my hair, but it certainly helped. Before the cut though, I just pulled my hair back. She also liked to bite. Usually I just told her no and moved away whatever she was messing with. It does get mighty frustrating saying no over and over again and it doesn't seem to do anything. So I usually just go with out of sight out of mind.
Next time he pulls your hair, take his hand away and tell him "NO! That hurts Mommy! (or whoever's dealing with him)" Keep holding his hand and bring it down to his side so he knows that touching it is not acceptable. Be very firm, don't be afraid to hurt his feelings. We did that with my son, and he stopped in about a week. Same goes for biting. If he's already bitten you, put him down and tell him "NO! That hurts!" If he's getting ready to bite you, use your hand to block his head and push him gently away, again telling him "NO!"
I'm not a mother, and maybe someone has already said this (I haven't read all the comments), but maybe, until he's old enough, keep your hair in a ponytail around him?
just say no with a firm voice. it works with our kitten when he tries to nibble on our fingers