So here's the thing -my husband, is the only son of an only son. Thus it is his male "duty" to carry on the family name, which is completely
fine! I want nothing more than to have happy, healthy children....one day. My husband and I are kind of newly weds (we haven't made it through our first year yet). And I'm already feeling pressure from BOTH our families to start having children!
Even my stubborn father mentioned on the phone the other day how grandchildren would be fun. And his mother.. well his mother already has a crib picked out!!
I'm no where near ready for a baby! Maybe... 5-8 years from now...
maybe.
Another dilemma, my husband doesn't really want children. Ever.
We're both very driven people, career-wise. He is currently a Marine, and I am going to school to get my degree in economics. We have big dreams for the corporate world, after his enlistment ends, and I graduate. We're happy being a couple, and not a family, but I do one day really want children. Any time I say "Well when we have children..." he always comes back and says "Well we aren't going to have children." It started out as a joke, but I'm really beginning to believe him. And it scares me.
So tell me mothers of Momaroo/Xanga, before children did you feel pressure from your family to have them? Did you have any resistance or reluctance from your husband? I'm a little over whelmed at all this baby talk when sometimes I still feel like a child myself!
*edit- We talked about it before marriage, and at the time he said he thought having kids would be great. Now things are a little different.
Comments (32)
Obviously- you shouldn't have kids unless YOU and your husband 100% know you want to! Screw everyone else- they aren't in your shoes- if you don't want kids- dont have kids!
And you're married- you are a family, not just a couple :)hm... knowing if the other person wants to have kids is a good thing to figure out BEFORE marriage... but that said... balk the pressure. a child should be raised in a home where it is wanted by both parents :)
the fact that you said it scares you when he says "Well we aren't going to have children." is a big concern. This is something you should have talked about before you got married.
That being said... When my hubby and I got married we thought of kids right away.. 5.5 years later, unable to conceive, we are now proud foster parents.
My brother and SIL on the other hand, I thought they'd wait a awhile to have kids and they just had baby #3 and have only been married 6.5 years.
Children happen when they happen, and thats just the way it is.
If the parents are pressuring you, stop answering the phone. Set up firm boundaries about this subject and ask that they respect it.
yes, i definitely think you have to talk about kids before you get married, so you're both on the same page.
but you have already heard that from other people.
your husband might change his mind. just bring it up every now and then to test the waters.
and it's hard to escape the pressures from your parents and in-laws but i think it helps that your husband doesn't want kids - so that's kind of on his shoulders. :)
Ok so I don't mean to be obnoxious about it considering other commenters have already stated that you should have talked about having or not having kids with your husband prior to marriage...But I also know many couples who have discussed this and once they are married one partner changes their mind (and maybe your husband will change his, there is hope!). Anyhow, my mom is already putting pressure on me to have children and I am not even engaged so I can relate a little bit on that one! I agree with everyone else though, DO NOT have kids until you are both ready. I hope that everything will work out in a way where both you and your husband will be happy. I know it is easier said than done but try to be polite but ignore what your parents and his parents are saying. They are being sweet wanting grandkids but they are also being selfish and need to back up a bit! Best of luck to you!
@michcoy@xanga - @marzish@xanga - @LadyGwenivere@xanga - @ScarletMoth@xanga - @Nina1981@xanga -
I should have included this in the post but we did talk about it before marriage, and at the time he said he thought having kids would be great. Now things are a little different. Thanks for your comments ladies! I really appreciate it!
The two of you disagreeing on the child issue could become a really big thing. You should really talk to him about it. Tell him how you are feeling, and let him tell you how he feels. Perhaps you can come to an agreement.
My mom was talking about my getting pregnant while I was in high school! And she was NOT joking!
My husband's parents wanted us to wait, but one month after our wedding, I found out I was pregnant. Now, we've been married for almost 3 years (our anniversary is in Feb), and we have two toddlers.
The truth is, I think it would have been wise to wait, but I never regret that we didn't. My husband and I are both in school (well, he's returning next semester), and sometimes we struggle financially. It would have been nice to have been for financially settled before having children. Babies are expensive, to say the least!
I had a feeling you had discussed it! Yea, people change their minds
about stuff all of the time, it is unfortunate sometimes : ( Hang in
there though, like I said he could change his mind in the 5-8 years it
takes for you to be ready anyhow! Maybe just smile at everyone who
tells you to start popping them out and say yes, we are very excited to
have children one day (even if it is a bit of a white lie it will
hopefully hold them off for a little while)!
As an only child, my mom was "dropping hints" from the time I turned 18.
...and I think that it only took her that long because we didn't speak from the time I was 16.5 until shortly after I turned 18. Ugh. They're great. (Just, you know, don't read my blog as of late; you maybe doing an impromptu hysterectomy in the kitchen tonight...) But if you know you're not ready? Wait. Tell 'em all to go find a new hobby, you'll call them when they can come set up the crib and wait. Maybe the hubs will change his mind in a few years (I've changed my mind multiple times...and that's just in the past 24 hours! ...kidding...mostly...) and everything will just fall into place.
Familial pressures are never a good reason to have children. You should only have children when both you and your husband decide you are ready. Not a moment before. Having children because of familial pressures (especially since you know you aren't ready, and he has totally done a 180 on his stance of children entirely) are a very bad reason to decide to have children. :/ You don't have kids to please other people.
But, I do think that you should sit down and have a VERY serious talk with your husband the next time you are able to. You need to find out what his stance really is about children, and how you feel about the prospect of NOT being able to ever have kids. Otherwise, things may not get resolved, or they might come to a head later on and cause a big problem once you do feel ready to begin trying to have a child. :(
I agree with what was already said - its not their place to make that decision for you. A baby is something you should be ready for because its no walk in the park. As far as your husband is concerned, I think its likely that he is just very scared of the idea. Most men are until it actually happens, then most of them transform into wonderful, loving fathers.
@KristenWolfe@xanga - From having many guy friends in the armed forces (both Canadian and American), I have found it is not uncommon for guy to not want children (or say they don't anyway). I've talked to quite a few of them about it, and most of them say its because they are worried they won't come home from a tour and that the government does not give a lot of support (life insurance, health care etc) to widows and children. Mostly its fear driven and worried about how much of the child's life they will be missing (almost all of them said their 2nd biggest worry was missing the birth)
Wonder if that has something to do with him changing his mind?
Ok, first of all ignore your extended family, they had their own opportunities to have as many kids as they wanted. They chose to put all of their eggs in one basket so they can put their big kid pants on and deal with the consequences and personally I would tell them as much.
The greater concern is agreement between you and your husband. Why has he changed his mind? What would cause him to go from thinking "kids would be great" to "no kids ever"? Something must have changed and you need to know what it is. Then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker NOW. It is unfair to both of you to waste 10 years hoping he MIGHT change his mind. What if he never does? Can you live with that without resenting him? Have you REALLY considered the ramifications of not EVER having children, particularly if you want them? You're young, your careers are great now but eventually even the brightest careers plateau around mid-life taking far less of your time and energy and it sounds like you don't have a lot of extended family. What will you have when the job peters out and the family is all dead? Your co-workers will not come visit you on the holidays or in the retirement home when everyone else is gone. It's cold but you need to consider these things because this is your reality in the future that depends on your choices now.
What you shouldn't do is have children because you're pressured into having them. If you and your husband are not ready to have children, then have them when the time is right. Because once you get pregnant and those 9 months are up, it's going to be you and your husband's responsibility for this child. Your families might pick him/her up here and there and play with him/her on occasions but at the end of the night it's going to be you two who has to wake up to feed him/her and change his/her diapers. It's a big responsibility and one you should not take if you're not ready.
I am still experiencing that! My husband and I are both in grad school, but my mother, a quilter, already has baby quilts made for our first born - one quilt if its a boy, another if its a girl. My mother-in-law drops hints every time we visit about how great it would be to have a grandchild to spoil.
My advice? Tell them that, right now, you're busy practicing, but give you a few years to improve and you'll be ready. This changes the discussion from one of cute little babies to "oh my gosh, my child is having sex" - a sure way to get them to ackwardly hush! And then...stick to your guns. They're not going to be spending 24/7 with this child, so they don't get to dictate his or her arrival.
As for your husband, mine is currently the same way. As a PhD student, he is constantly studying, writing and doing research. The thought of a baby in the mix stresses him out and he wants nothing to do with it. Once we're both done with school and our lives actual develop some sort of schedule, we'll revisit the kid talk. In the meantime, just enjoy being married!
@bubbelcat - Thank you very much for your comment. I think about that all the time really. What is going to happen when work is no longer satisfying enough, and the rest of our family is gone.
You and your husband don't need to worry about that right now. I'm assuming you two are in your early 20s. Both of you are focused on your careers right now which is wonderful. And your husband keeps on saying he doesn't want kids. If he doesn't want kids, he doesn't want them. And it's not like you want them right now either.
This happens to a lot of people, unfortunately. Not to me... I'm not married or even in a relationship, but I've heard of families harassing couples to have children when they are not ready to or don't even WANT children. If you don't WANT children, then don't have them. Not directed towards you or anything... I'm just saying in general. I think society just expects everyone, especially women, to have babies fairly young ( under 26 ). It is best to have your kids in your 20s and early 30s, but you should still be fine to carry a baby in your early 30s.
先說年號問題，明朝皇帝在位時間再長， 酒店兼差年號也只有一個，惟獨他特殊，在位總共不過十五年，年號卻有兩個，前一個叫正統，後一個叫天順。倒不是因為他非要搞特權，兩個年號之間， 禮服店是由一大堆可氣的事串起來的。
先說正統朝，差不多是地球酒店打工人都知道的，這麼多的忠良幹才他不信任，偏寵信一個教書先生出身的太監王振， 一幹閹党把國家禍害得烏煙瘴氣。後來瓦剌犯邊，忠臣良將的苦勸不聽，偏聽死太監攛掇，非要御駕親徵， 合法酒店經紀帶著幾十萬人牛氣哄哄出了長城，按說既然親徵你就好好 打啊，他不，走到半道又後悔了，連敵人影 酒店工作都沒見著就撤兵，撤兵麼撤得快點啊，跑還沒跑成，讓人家圍在土木堡包了餃子，稀裏糊塗一場 酒店上班混戰，幾十萬大軍全死 光，連本人也當了俘虜。丟人到如此，實在可氣。
英宗被抓到蒙古高原上去啃生羊肉了， 酒店兼職爛賬總要有人收拾。皇帝讓人綁了，敵人打到家門口了，總不成學宋朝 來個衣冠南渡吧！還好喝酒 有他親弟弟給他收拾，弟弟朱祁鈺繼承帝位，改年號為景泰，可氣的正統朝總算結束了。景泰帝信用 酒店PT良臣于謙，成功組織北京保衛戰打垮敵 人，再運用外交壓力，逼得酒店喝酒 瓦剌把英宗放回來當太上皇，總算不用學宋徽宗那樣客死他鄉。折騰半天，祖宗江山差點丟了不說 禮服酒店，皇位也折騰沒了。這樣的鬧劇，怪不 得別人。
雖是傻事敗事一籮筐，但傻人總算有傻福，雖說皇位沒了， 台北酒店經紀命還是保住了，回來舒舒服服過太上皇的日子倒也 不交際應酬 錯，可他不消停，拉幫結派培植私人勢力，幾年後趁著弟弟病重搞了場“奪門之變”。奪粉味 回了皇位不說，上臺第一件事就是殺掉了功臣于謙。並把當初北京保衛戰 的功臣們來了個大清洗，掌握朝政大權的都是徐有貞、石亨、曹吉祥等一幫姦險小人。雖然過了沒幾年，這幾個人也被明英宗清算，下獄的下獄（石亨），充軍的充 軍（徐有貞） 寒假打工，被殺的被殺（曹吉祥），可明朝的政治氣象，還是一片烏煙瘴氣。
皇位奪回來了，自然就要改年號。於是，明英宗 兼差改年號為天順。從正統年到天順年，打敗仗，殺忠良，寵小人，亂國家，儘是他辦的敗事， 酒店小姐每每讀史到此，不知有多少人氣得 酒店公關直哆嗦。
可正統朝的事畢竟年頭遠了，真正給後 暑假打工世攢下麻煩的，是天順朝。
“天順”麼，按字面意思，自然有風調雨順的意思。 打工從這個意義上說，“天順”朝時代的明朝，運氣還真不 壞，別的且不說，單說綁過明英宗票的瓦剌，那在土木堡創下台北酒店經紀擊敗明朝幾十萬大軍，活捉明朝皇帝偉業的瓦剌首領也先，沒死在大對頭明朝手裏，倒在內戰中被一刀 砍死。到了天順朝時期，瓦剌又和鄰居韃靼打個不停，因此，雖然少了良將於謙，但終天順一朝的邊 酒店境形勢，還算是太平無事。
I sincerely believe that this is one of those things in life you guys have to be on the same page about. It took my husband a good long while to be ready, then my body didn't like the idea and we struggled for 2 years to get pregnant. So we had grand-parents-to-be pestering us for 4 years. It's exhausting, I know, but tell your (and his) parents that now's not the time. Wait a few months to bring it up with your hubby again, and have an honest conversation. Too soon when everyone is making a huge fuss, and if he's anything like my guy, he'll shut down before the conversation even starts because he feels incredibly stressed when he thinks he's being nagged/pressured.
Ignore everyone else. Think about the two of you. If he's enlisted, that makes it harder and that's probably WHY he doesn't want to think about it right now. I know lots of couples go through deployments when the wife is pregnant or has a new baby, and I'm sure that's something that he doesn't wanna think about now. I say just wait until his enlistment is done, you've finished college, started your career, etc. Things might be wayyy different. Good luck!
We definitely got pressure from family, more from his parents than from mine. We got married while we were still in college and were married two and a half years before we decided to start a family. We had bought a house and were settled into an area and felt secure enough where we were and also felt that it was God's timing for us. I felt more ready early on in our relationship and my husband was more of a, "yes I want kids but not now" kind of guy. When it was the right time, he shared his feelings with me and now here I am 7 1/2 months pregnant!
I'm sure your hubby wants kids if he said it before you were married, but my guess is that like you, he wants to wait 5 or so years before. I think each couple is different and every one's goals are different. But I do think you should make it clear to your families that you two have things you want to pursue first before the diaper changing begins! They may still pester you occasionally because let's face it, being a grandparent is fun! However that doesn't change the fact that you two will be taking care of the little one(s) the vast majority of the time. That means their opinion on the matter shouldn't be weighed too heavily.
I know the feeling. My boyfriend's mother wants grandkids extremely badly, and I can understand that. My boyfriend is her only child. She had a daughter that died at birth. She loves children and always talks about us getting married and making her a grandma. I would love to get married now, but my boyfriend wants to wait until we have a more stable income (we already live together). Of course, I do not want children for several more years, but when the time comes, I want many children. She stresses that we should get married first, but I think that she sometimes hopes we'll have an "accident" that'll speed things along. However, my boyfriend and I are not sexually active, despite sleeping in the same bed, because we are both adamant on saving ourselves. Her pressuring does not bother me so much, but I know that it does bother my boyfriend and stresses him out.
I would definitely suggest having a serious sit down with your hubby. Communication, or, rather, lack thereof, can ruin a relationship.
I've wanted kids since I was 14. I feel under pressure to have kids. My father doesn't want me having kids until I'm 27, graduated and have a degree. I think my grandmother is really wanting me to pop out a baby within this year or early next year. My grandfather asked me if I thought my husband would be a good father, and then went on to say that they think my husband would be a good father. My in-laws know children are from God so they aren't pressuring me to have children. We've been TTC since our wedding night for e years. Since I want 8 kids I need to get pregnant this year God willing.
I think that clearly, neither of you are ready for children.
He'll probably come around in a few years...and that's okay right now because you're not really ready either, are you? Which is more than fine...you're young, give it time!
Ignore both of your families. They're idiots if they don't think that both of you know what's best for your life/marriage.
children are vital for any family as they are every thing to lead a happy family. Sure you have to find ways in order to pressurize your husband for a child. There are many couples who are till trying but they are could not make it. But i hope you are blessed and there are possibilities to have a child but you both have to make up your mind to get a child.