Saturday, 05 December 2009
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I Am Terrified Of Telling My Parents... A Teen Mom Shares!
I'm terrified of having this baby. I'm terrified of telling my parents as I'm fairly certain my father will never speak to me again. I'm scared of telling fiance's family since his mom hates me as it is.
Its hard to go through something and not have anybody know. Just me and fiance. I haven't told any of my friends. coworkers. family. only strangers. and it's not that I want to keep it a secret I'd love a big support system, I just now won't get it from those people. My step-mother and I aren't close as it is and a teen pregnancy will just drive a wedge further between us. My father will never speak to me again. My sister lives 3000 miles away.... My friends will all say, "but Chloe, you're nineteen, you should be enjoying college and being wild and young, not having a baby," they won't understand.
I'm a child I can't have a child. I've never even babysat before. I'm overwhelmed and terrified. I want to cry and scream. I'm something of a control freak. But I can't even plan because I don't even know what I need for a baby. I don't know what to look for in a car seat, in a stroller, or even in diapers. I had to change my schedule for next semester because I couldn't be around the chemicals in my chem class pregnant. I'm just worn out, I need support, direction, help.
It's always hard becoming a first time mother no matter what your age but I think teen/young mothers have it the worst. There is a negative stigma with teen pregnancy. That girls who get pregnant young and unmarried are slutty and stupid for not using birth control. That they will never go back to school and not be able to get a decent job. That we don't know/aren't with/won't stay with the father of the child. It's unfair to put all those stereotypes and that stigma on an entire group of people!
whew- after that rant I think I'm gonna go make a milkshake.[Editor's note: We welcome any support and suggestions for this terrified teen mom. Share your stories and experiences with her]
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- From: CeCeDreams@xanga
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Comments (103)
well , she probably shoulda thought about that before she had sex , huh ? well . . . it`s no walk in the park , she should know that .
Best of luck to you, make sure you explore all your options before making a decision.
It may be scary but it's something you have to do. The longer you wait the harder it will be for everyone involved. First you and your fiance need to make a plan. How are you going to support your family, where will you live, how your marriage plans are going to change if they will, etc. Lay it all out. Then tell your families. "This is what is going on and this is what we are going to do about it." Yeah they will freak out. They may say and do a lot of disrespectful things. They either accept it or not but your baby is going to come regardless. I hope that they do not react the way you think they will and you will have their support and guidance. Also remember that you have your fiance there with you, he and your baby are your family now.
(I have a lot of opinions about how teen moms are stereotyped but I'd rather ignore all that and just prove them wrong. I had my oldest son at 17. I also think that you really aren't a "teen mom" as it stands, since you are legally an adult. Doesn't help anything but most people wouldn't put you in the same category as a 16 year old mother. So don't worry about that label.And breathe. You have months to figure things out. Read books, search online, ask here on Momaroo. Motherhood is the hardest thing you will ever do but it is so rewarding.
Research!! Get the books..maybe try and think of a time someone in your family was pregnant..I learned everything I need to know when my older sister got pregnant at...holy shit 19! Just like you!! lol..wow thats funny :D well she's 29 now with 3 kids. She told my mom by writing her a letter..maybe you could try that? That way if they do blow up they'll do it by themselves instead of in your face..
I know how you feel...or knew. I had my son when I was 18, and although I was about to get married, I was terrified to tell my parents. I told my mom when I was about 2 months pregnant, and she already knew!! She had a dream I was pregnant, and she said she could just tell. She was happy about it. My husband's family didn't really say much at first..they were a little disappointed, but once I started showing, and it became real, they were thrilled.
I promise you, this does not have to be as hard as you're making it. People want to help you. No one knows how to be a mother until they are one.
@BelisaAmbrose@xanga - I agree
i had my daughter a month ago, and i was terrified too. probably a lot more than you were. but as soon as i had her, motherhood just took over. it's like your body just knows what to do and everything comes so naturally. now i think it's really funny to see people get so scared and freaked out when holding her.
don't stress yourself out too much on this topic. our bodies were made to have children and to take care of them. as soon as the baby is out, your body will kick into mommy gear and you'll be surprised how all of it seems so natural to you.
also when i was pregnant i did my research. i read anything and everything there was to know about childbirth, taking care of infants and newborns, health topics, etc. looking these things up will really calm your nerves and help you better understand how to take care of the baby.
and finally, it's a difficult situation when you have to tell your parents. but let them know you're scared and you would really appreciate their support. once you have them on your side things will be easier. even if they don't come around, get support somewhere else. everything will work itself out. everyone told me how much love i will feel for her when she finally comes into the world but i never believed them. now that she's here i can't believe how much love i have for her. it's the most amazing feeling and your life will be so full of happiness and joy. its truly a miracle, no matter how young you are. good luck! let me know if you need anyone to talk to. i'll be here! :)
oh and everyone told me going through labor felt like dying and its the worst pain imaginable. i went through my whole pregnancy scared to death. once it came down to it, it was the easiest most painless thing i've ever done... and the gift i got from it was the most rewarding thing in the world. the contractions just felt like strong cramps and i got the epidural because i didnt want to deal with those for however many hours it would take. after the epidural i felt NOTHING and i only felt pressure when she was coming out which i loved. i was laughing and smiling the whole time. the anesthetic said that the epidural works a lot better in young women and it usually speeds up the process, which was so true in my case because i was only in labor for 5 hours and i pushed for exactly 10 minutes.
so spare yourself the worry and dont believe the horror stories. focus on your pregnancy and when its game time, if you don't think you can handle it, get the epidural. it works miracles! and dont believe the lies you hear about the epidurals either
Well, you are young, but you are adult, so I guess it's time to make an adult decision and just tell your parents what you've decided. If you still live at home and need their financial support, you will have to decide whether you are moving out with your fiance, how you two will support the baby, etc. I hope your parents decide to support you - emotionally or financially - but, ultimately, it's up to you now.
@venomouscrush@xanga - It really does not matter what your age is, the situation, whether you are married or not, planned the baby or not...a lot of people freak out when they find out they are pregnant. Yes, we know it might happen when we start having sex, but no one can fully prepare themselves for it. Throw in hormones and you have a recipe for one emotional woman.
@venomouscrush@xanga - I think your comment is a little too harsh. What if she did take proper measures as to avoid a pregnancy?Condom broke, missed a pill. We don't know that.
She's going through a tough time and it's hard to make such a big decision, especially on your own!I wish you luck, no matter what you decide to do. It's tough. I had my daughter at 20 years old and I didn't tell my mother until I was5 months, my father until I was 6 months, and his family a month before the baby shower. We've been together since the 6th grade, and living together for about 2 years. I missed ONE pill and bam. But I stuck it through. Whattoexpect.com was crucial to my baby knowledge. The other moms there are supportive and knowledgeable. I used to sit in Barnes & Nobles and just read book after book after book. I got in touch with girls I went to HS with that I never really talked to that had kids. Good advice there as well. You can bug me if you want, just message me for contact info. If you keep it, and you have a girl I never threw anything away just in case someone may have needed something. I'll send it to you in a heartbeatgodspeed
That is the exact same thing that happened to me. Even though I was nineteen and out of my parents house, I will still worried about telling them. My dad was not happy but after the first conversation he was excited, mostly because we had a plan of action in terms of finances and college plans. I told my mother when she was really tired so she just laughed. My husband told his mother in a note when I was about six months pregnant. I did lose some of my close friends who got a holier-than-thou attitude, but I got closer to other friends in return.
I did research like mad before the baby was born but the mother's instinct kicked in and made life a little bit easier. It is satisfying to disprove stereotypes. I looked fifteen when I was pregnant so I got many dirty looks. I went back to college. Yes, I am a bit behind but that happens and the extra financial aid more than makes up for it. It is more difficult but entirely possible.
The furniture and baby items gets more understandable as you do more research. During the baby shower I got various brands of diapers so I was able to choose which brand to stick with. I started to get slightly overwhelmed when researching furniture until I realized there wasn't a big difference between the various brands.
The advice people are giving is wonderful and as the pregnancy progresses, I promise things will get less confusing. The minds just starts switching into mother mode and takes over.
if you wanna save money - might wanna look for handmedown stuff for clothes, crib, that sort of thing. maybe you have some friends or cousins who have already gone through the baby thing? you can also check out thrift shops. anyway, good luck!
im sorry that your in that situation i was in a similar one last year i didnt tell anyone i was pregnant and its so overwhelming.
i know telling your parents is going to be hard and there is NOTHING more annoying than all those people who say we're sluts who need to learn how to use birth control but in the end it'll all be okayif you ever need someone to talk to, im here.I can't imagine how terrifying this is for you, and I'm praying that everything will work out. I would recommend finding a local Carenet Center. My mom works for one, and their entire purpose is for helping people who are in your situation. They can give you advice and information on options, and they even provide items such as maternity and baby clothing and toys and other things for those who need help financially. I think some centers even have free education classes or can get you in touch with people locally who can give you help, and it's all for free and it's entirely anonymous. You can try the 1-800 number at http://www.care-net.org/, or if you'd like even more help, you can contact me, and my mom and I would be happy to try and put you in touch with a center near you.
As a mom myself, it's an amazing and wonderful experience. I even found that over time, it brought me closer to my parents, and maybe it can be the same for you.
@venomouscrush@xanga - That is extraordinarily helpful advice
@venomouscrush@xanga - Yes, and you're not very helpful, are you? Way to go, Captain Obvious.
hang in there.. i was a teen mom i had my son when i was 18 got pregnant at 17.. now my son is 5 and i have a 7month old too.. its hard and i'm not going to sugar coat it.. but you can do it.. i graduated from highschool with honors and i went to college and got my associates in electrical engineering and now i'm back in school going for my BA in teaching.. and i believed the same thing that my parents won't talk to me ever again.. but honestly they were hurt at first and disappointed but now they love my boys and wouldn't change anything.. matter of fact i'm the first one in my family to graduate from college and i have 2 kids.. you just need not to full into the stereotypes.. and sometimes do and don't work with our loved ones.. but u just need to try to make it work.. i been with my bf for 6 years now.. and we have our ups and downs but thats life..
I'm not going to say you can't be a great mom, or can't take care of you child, but have you thought about the option of open adoption? That could be a great way to know your child, and if you don't have the emotional, financial, etc. resources to care for your child, that could potentially be an option for you. I think, that it's the best gift God can give anyone is being a parent, and it is rough to tell your parents, and fiance's parents, but usually they come around. Good luck in all of your endeavors.
If you're that scared, have an abortion. If you really don't think you and your family are ready for a child, then it's probably the best decision you can make. The family could hate the kid, and if your father does never speak to you again, he or she could grow up with a grandfather that hates him or her. I'm 18, soon to be 19, I know if it ever happened to me, that's what I'd do. There would be just no way I could deal with a child, since I hate them to death. I avoid my little cousins as much as possible, and when people show me baby pictures, I act like they're cute when I really don't want to see them at all. I have motherly instict for grown-ups, but I've left my 3-year old cousins alone in a room to play by themselves before. I can't stand when they ask me to play some ridiculous game or do something with them. I try to ignore them mostly.
But anyway. You're acting like this is a choice you don't have. Unless you're severely against abortion, it is a possibilty. You can't have this kid alone, and I think you know that. If you don't have a support system, as you say you don't, then it's time to either try telling people and see what you get, or tell no one and get rid of the problem. But either way, you can't go inbetween and have this kid in secret. You made an adult decision to have sex, and now you have to leave your childhood behind and make another adult decision that not only affects you, but the child you're carrying.
Good luck, hun. Be strong, and do what you think is best. <3
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
@venomouscrush@xanga - I agree with you that she should have thought twice about this, but I think you could have been more helpful in your response and try to give her advice and help, rather than acting like you're some perfect little angel than never makes a mistake, or has incredibly bad luck.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
@bella@xanga - That would be a good idea if you don't want to see your parents reaction. And just by them reading the letter it might make them think about your situation and hopefully they can help you out.
I fortunately have not had to deal with something like this myself but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I am glad you and your fiance are together and I think you two will be just fine. I saw somebody said to read lots of books, I think that is a great idea, do your research and you will probably feel less frightened. I would like to think your friends would be more supportive than you are giving them credit for but if that is not the case maybe you could find a support group with other teen moms...that would be helpful, other people to talk to that are in the same boat. I hope everything works out with your family too. My father and I don't speak anymore (though for dif. reasons) but I can say I know how hard it is to be "disowned". Best of luck to you! Also, try to relax and actually enjoy the pregnancy, you have a little life growing inside of you, nothing is more amazing than that!