Wednesday, 25 November 2009
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When Divorce Ruins the Holidays
My parents were divorced by the time I was three-years-old. After the divorce my mom moved from New Hampshire to New Jersey and my father moved to Maine. By the time I was five they had both remarried. I have no memory of my parents being together or living with my biological father so going to visit him for the holidays a few times a year was never fun.
To put it bluntly, I hated the holidays. I could not understand why I had to go visit a father I did not really know on some of the most important days of the year. I mean, in between holidays it was rare that I would even receive a phone call from my father. The man felt like a stranger not like family.
Every year I remember questioning my mom about why I had to split the holidays between her and my loving step-dad and my biological father and step-mother. She would patiently explain that holidays were all about family and that my father was family too and therefore it was important for me to spend time with him on Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
I understood that family was important but my father did not feel like family.
So on the morning of whatever holiday it happened to be when I had to go see my father, I would throw a tantrum and cry relentlessly until inevitably I would end up making myself sick. Even at a young age I felt that family was not about blood but about who took care of you and loved you.
It must have been awful for my mom to see me so upset during the holidays when I could not be with her. I am sure she wanted me to be home with her and my step-dad just as much as I had. She was always so stoic and patient with me though and never let her own emotions show.
Eventually, my near absent father and I had a falling out and to this day we do not speak. I love the holidays now that I no longer need to worry about splitting them up between a family I love and a family I didn’t know.
However, it pains me to think that there are children out there dreading the upcoming holidays as I once did because they can not be with the people they would prefer to be with. I know that not every child of divorce has to go through this type of situation (thank goodness) but I know some do.
If you are divorced or are a child of divorce? How do you handle the holidays?
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About the Author
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- From: michcoy@xanga
- Name: Michelle
- About Me: I am a full-time nanny who loves to write whenever I can. I also love being outdoors whenever possible. Camping, hiking and kayaking are a few of my favorite activities.
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Comments (8)
My divorce will be final in a few weeks so this holiday season will be the first one that me and the Little One are away from her father for a reason other than deployments. So far it hasn't been too hard on her but I can tell she sees how upset I am about the divorce. The good thing for her is that we have always spent the holidays with my family no matter if her dad was there or not. I think it will be harder on me than it is on her.
@seriously_meredith@xanga - I hope that you and your daughter both have a wonderful holiday season! Thanks for reading!
That's sad. Can't say I've had to deal with that situation. Best of luck to those who do.
We rotated holidays between my divorced parents. It used to make me so mad that I'd have to miss every other Christmas to celebrate Hanukkah with my mom instead, not because I didn't know my mom, but I've always loved Christmas (the lights, the cold, the tree, etc.) and my mom always did her best to shut it out of the house (my dad did the same with Jewish traditions, but...). Later it became much more apparent that where my brother and I would spend the holidays wasn't about family at all, it was about my parents one-upping eachother, and that was the worst part of it all. Now that I'm grown figuring out where to go for the holidays is even more complicated--my husband's parents are divorced as well, and making the rounds through 4 households (or more sometimes if you throw in grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.)...oy vey. :P
My parents split a few years ago, and so the holidays are pretty miserable. We usually have Easter and Thanksgiving with my dad's family because he's only home for weekends and holidays (he works up north). Christmas is horrible though. Mom takes the kids to dad's place once school lets out for the holidays. They stay there and celebrate Christmas Eve with dad's family and Christmas morning, then Christmas day dad drives us back to mom's house. More presents, then we go to dad's family christmas thing. Around five or six mom picks us up again and we go to her family thing until around ten pm. Then we go back to mom's place to stay for a few days, then back to dad's for new years. It pretty much sucks. It's chaotic (I have many siblings), loud, and basically a huge headache.
my parents divorced when i was 3 as well. but ive always had a good relationship with my parents. divorce was never in my vocabulary. im just a naturally happy child. i have fun with whoever and where ever it is. from my memory, i never had a hard time on holidays. it was just mom and dad who had a hard time because they always had to transport me from one place to another. but i always had my chin up. and most holidays were always spent with my cousins and i ALWAYS have a fun time with them no matter what. so holidays were never a family occasion to me..it was more of fun time for me in general. haha.
Thank you all for reading and responding I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season this year
: )
My mom found out she was pregnant with me just 2 weeks after leaving my father because he was cheating.
So I never had any memory of my parents together, and I only visited in the summer. Sometimes my dad would come see me on holiday's but rarely.
So when I was 13, and my mom remarried, I had already bonded to my now step dad, who I call dad. My bio dad's mother had a fit when I chose to spend Christmas with my new family, and not her and some family I'd never even met. She didn't speak to me again, until her husband was diagnosed with colon cancer (I was closer to him than her, he was my dad's step dad).
As a whole though, I enjoyed the holidays.
My son, on the other hand, I divorced his father when he was 9 months old. So he also, has no recollection of living with his father. He's paternal grandparents have always been very involved. He gets excited to see them. We have to drive to Tx from Co, every month....because I'm the one who moved.
So far he is just a natural scrooge though. He hates holidays. I think because they're out of his normal routine.
His father has talked of moving here when he gets out of school and remarried. I really like to think it will make things better, but my son is very attached to his step dad...so I don't know.