Tuesday, 24 November 2009
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Throwing a Parental Tantrum...When is it Okay?
Are you that model parent who never loses it? Or have you lost your cool and yelled at your child? Do you ever argue with your kids? Have you ever had a parental tantrum?
When my son was born I looked around at all those parents who managed to keep their cool and wondered how they could do it! The mother at the playground softly telling her kid that it is not ok to throw that sand on other kids heads when he did it for the 10th time amazed me! She kept telling him about wrong and right choices and he was 3 years old! The father who calmly carried his screaming, thrashing 5 yr old out of a crowded restaurant won my wordless salute! As for me, I have always been feisty all my life and I knew I would be no less as a parent!
I had no trouble with it when he was a little baby Cheeky, for he was the cutest baby ever! He obliged me by sleeping through the night, gargling at strangers and he was a happy baby at all times except when we went to the doctor. One step into the doctor's office and the ear splitting screams would begin! Then the terrible two's happened.. in our case 6 months too early. The little imp was enamored by the pig tails of little girls and would be found trying to pull them off! He was so bewildered.. it was cute to watch! He would touch his hair and touch hers and soon.... you could imagine the scenario!
He was a little mayhem who chose to resolve his own battles! When he was 2 and a half some 5 and 6 year olds teased him at the play ground! They kept blocking his way and riling him up.. the little imp promptly picked up a fight with these kids twice his age and size! I dragged the screaming guy home and started lecturing. Half way through it I realized he was 2 and that he was already getting into the toy box. I just had to let it go!
But I have lost it.. I have yelled and screamed and refused to say a word to my 5 yr old kid who has riled me up so much some times! It is like my son explained to me sometime back. We were at a park on a spring fling with other kids in his school. Some kids from the other class were troubling his friends and I think one of those kids pushed the imp's friend down! Eyeing trouble I approached the scene and saw an infuriated imp standing there hands on his hip asking the little fellow "What did you just do?". Meanwhile the teacher took the little pusher away and I dragged a furious Cheeky for a little talk. It started with "But Mama the guy was making some very wrong choices"! Aha I thought "So what do we do when someone makes wrong choices Buddy?" I asked in my patient mama voice! "You can't just ignore them mama, God is not going to be happy and someone has to tell him that" said the exasperated 4 yr old!
Ofcourse there is a difference between screaming at your kid at all times and screaming at times of real importance. If your kid streaked across the parking lot would you reason or lay the rule down? However constantly screaming or yelling at a kid for the little things daily will only cause it to become ineffective. Like everything else (read time outs) the child becomes immune to screaming too! As for the time outs my friend's kid is so immune to them that he assesses the situation, and often decides it is worth a couple more bounces if all it takes is a time out. The other day he was bouncing off the couch and his mom warned him he would get a time out if he did not stop. He thought for like a minute and continued to bounce for a while longer and then told his mom "I am going to go sit in a time out now". My friend just threw her hand up and told me "Now you know why I scream?". "We need to get smarter us parents" I told her "soon he will be immune to screaming, then what?"
So what do you do? Do you throw a parental tantrum once in a while or are you one that believes that you need to reason your kid about the right and wrong choices?
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About the Author
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- From: CheekyTales
- Name: CheekyTales
- About Me: I am a parent, freelance writer and an IT professional - Oh yes in that order! For parenting does take a lot of time and energy. However it has taught me something.. being a parent has taught me that I can never be the master, I am always going to fumble and that it is okay to laugh out loud about it! Cheeky tales is an attempt to laugh at the little oddities in day to day life! And I find the reason to laugh in my toddler, my family, my daily observations and most of all in myself! Join me in my wonderful quest for laughter and life!
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Comments (17)
For the most part, as you mentioned, a young child isn't going to sit an listen to [or understand] a lecture. It's much more a effective to just raise your voice a bit and say firmly "No!" or some other corrective statement. Works very well with my niece.
Man there were sooo many exclaimation points in that post.
I don't raise my voice until I've told her to stop a few times. I like to give her a couple of chances to quit on her own. If she doesn't, then I raise my voice. And if THAT doesn't work I go to "do you want a spanking?" and that makes her quit and I don't even have to touch her. It's nice not having to ever spank her. lol.
There are only 2 times when a parent should yell at their (young) child: if the child is endangering themself or someone else. Otherwise, I find that simply getting down to eye level with the child and explaining what they did wrong and why it was wrong resolves pretty much anything. Always offer an agreeable alternative solution to the bad behavior and constantly encourage good behavior with hugs and high fives.
Furthurmore, when a child sees their parent(s) lose their temper, they quickly adapt to the fact that anything they can do to tick their parents off will get them attention, and especially in our busy world when many children only get to see their parents a few hours a day, children will see even the wrong kind of attention as a positive thing. The best thing you can do is never lose your temper, just take a deep breath and use your head. It's actually quite easy to manipulate a child into doing the right thing and even finding it fun if you just give yourself a second to think.
Honestly, at some point I get tired of hearing my own voice and just stop. If I'm not talkin' they're not getting permission to do the things that they want to do, either. Time-outs are saved for major offenses; hitting, extreme running off at the mouth. I think I've had to issue 3 in the last 8 months. During one of the first ones, the 7 year old begged, "Can't you just hit me like daddy does and let me get up and play?!" Uhm, no, kid. Have a seat!
yikes.. it sounds like you need to learn your triggers and put yourself in mommy-time-out before you verbally abuse your children.
Cause guess what? screaming at your 2 and 5 year old is verbal abuse. It can also be emotional abuse, depending on who you talk to. IMO it is never ok to scream at your children UNLESS they are about to hurt themselves or someone else. As a foster parent I deal with many children who are subjected to this type of abuse, and I find it is often much worse then physical. For the rest of their lives, every time someone yells (even in fun) that person will cringe and remember being screamed at as a child. Think about it.
When I find myself getting upset with my 2 year old, I put on a dvd for him to watch and I leave the room for 5-10 minuets.
Maybe your little ones are trying to teach you something about yourself. Something to do with your temper and a short fuse maybe? Children are our best teachers when it comes to learning to change these kinds of things.
just my two cents.
Hope i don't get bashed up too badly.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I'm not going to bash you, because you make a valid point. However, it's important to know that raising one's voice does not constitute verbal abuse; verbal abuse isn't volume-related, it's word-related.
If you lose your cool and say, "Billy, I've told you over and over not to (blank).... How many times is it going to take???", it's not abusive. Only when you belittle someone with cruel words or say things for the purpose of hurting their feelings does the abuse come into play.
Good post.
@BellaNeiSogni@xanga - I agree that words do have more impact, but children still respond to the screaming. I had a one foster child who would dive for cover if my husband and I even called to eachother from another room. The child hated anything loud, and told me it was because the mother constantly screamed at them. So it was the screaming that impacted this child more then the words.
The social worker involved with this little one (as well as about 10 others i know) will tell you that verbal/mental/emotional abuse is about the tones (screaming, yelling) and the words that makes up verbal abuse. Because its how the child receives it, not how us as parents intend it.
It was hard for me to accept this at first, because I have had to work really hard on my temper and my voice tone and volume.
Thanks for not bashing me :)
@BellaNeiSogni@xanga - and its one thing to raise your voice, which I do still on occasion though I am working hard not to, its another to scream and yell.
One more thing to add.. I think every parent should get a copy of "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Dr Kevin Leman before they leave the hospital. I have only gotten to read the 1st day and put it into practice and the changes in my toddler have been amazing. No more temper tantrums!
Im done now ha ha
@filtered_sunlight - lol.. I get tired too.. and often I have found not saying a word is the best tactic.. soon my kid is trying to get me to talk to him :P
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I am not saying yelling is ok.. see how I say that yelling is ok only at times of great importance.. If my son ran down the street I would stop and tell him that he should "never ever do that" and in the urgency I might raise my voice too.. Actually the point I am making at the end of the post is that yelling is not going to help.. if you yell at your kid all the time, not only are you setting a bad example, you are just setting yourself up for failure.. for your child will get immune to that!
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - The kids you are talking about unfortunately have faced real abuse, verbal and emotional which is why they cover when you raise your voice. Other kids sometimes need to hear a raised voice to know it is absolutely not ok! It is not yelling and screaming.. It is voice modulation! Abusing your child is never ok! But sometimes laying down the law requires raising your voice and I believe that is ok!
@CheekyTales - you know i'd love to tell you the entire story of the child i referred to, but I could get sued. I sincerely hope you are not trying to tell me that the fact that this child was screamed at (and I mean screamed, red faced, voice cracking, not simply raising the voice to a louder volume. There is a mega huge difference) did not scar this child. This happened 4 years ago, and this child still sufferes daily from being screamed at all day for the first 2 years of life.
Again, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between raising your voice, yelling, and then screaming. And I maintain that it is never ok to scream at a child. Raising your voice when called for or needed is one thing, screaming is something completely different.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - My heart goes out to the child you are referring to.. I agree with you on what you say.. constant screaming or even constant reprimanding the child cannot be good! Even if the child is constantly getting into trouble, I would suggest trying a different tact than continuing to even reprimand the child! I am sorry if the post offended you in anyway.. I know this is a more serious issue, however this was just aimed at a lighter evaluation of what happens to make parents lose their cool?
I have no intentions of uncontrollably screaming and ranting, red faced, at my child. I hardly feel that that's an appropriate method of discipline. However, I don't see the problem with a raised voice when the situation deems in necessary. Telling my son twice, calmly, to stop something then loudly saying, "That's it! No more!" is not going to be abusive. Ranting and raving, throwing things around and slamming objects is and especially if it happens all day, day after day. My son isn't being raised in a house that practices yelling as the norm and as such, knows that if there is an occasion that warrants my using my raised voice, it's a good one and he better shape up, quick.
@LadyGwenivere@xanga - I so despise that children have to experience things like what your foster child went through. That someone would think it necessary to yell and scream at a little one for days and days, with no relief and no good reason is beyond me. You and your husband do amazing things for children who wouldn't otherwise have a respite from homes like that.
@Grace - aww thank you! I love being a fostermum.. even if its only for a couple of days I love knowing that we can have an impact on every child that comes into our home.
@CheekyTales - @Grace - hi again :) i just wanted to update with info that the child is doing very well now (we had this child over a year ago) and is slowly overcoming the earliest part of their life. I cannot give any more details then that, but I wanted to let you both know its getting much better. (i just got this update myself about an hour ago and I wanted to pass it along).
This is a tough one.... obviously we are all human and have our breaking point .. reasoning with a child just is not going to work all the time. I would have to side with silence. Great tactic that usually gets my child to realize that something is wrong without me doing saying / doing something that I will regret later :)
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