Monday, 23 November 2009
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3-Year-Olds Dating?
Should parents be worrying about their young children having “boyfriends” and “girlfriends?” The other day, P1AutismMom@autisable wrote a post titled, It's In The Library Under "S" and it got me thinking about kids and dating. Though her post was more about children approaching their parents with the sex question I noticed a lot of comments about kids and dating and they reminded me of a conversation I recently had with a three-year-old.
A few weeks ago while babysitting the above mentioned three-year-old girl, she excitedly blurted out that she had a boyfriend. I was incredibly taken aback! I remember having crushes by the time I was five but a boyfriend at three?!?! I began to wonder what could possibly be going on in the world of little kids these days so I began to ask her some questions.First I asked her what it meant to have a boyfriend. She began to answer but as is often typical with young children she did not answer the question directly. Instead, she answered by informing me that just a week ago she had been dating another boy but that they had broken up and that now she was dating so and so. She had two boyfriends in two weeks at the age of three?!? Some of us are not that lucky as adults!
After receiving that information I realized that these “relationships” could not be too serious but was still a little disturbed. I decided to continue prodding her gently as to what having a boyfriend meant. Again, she did not answer my question directly but instead told me that the new boyfriend had tried to kiss her!
I asked her if she let him and she said no (phew)! But that made me wonder, what was that little boy thinking? Anyhow, while we were having this conversation her father arrived home so I asked her if she had informed him of this news. She hadn’t yet, but proceeded happily to tell her daddy that she had a boyfriend.
The father just smiled and made a fist in hand motion as if he was getting ready to beat the boyfriend up and that was it! I was a little surprised that he did not even ask one question. I was not sure if perhaps he was use to this type of conversation or maybe he just thought, hey, she is three, what’s the big deal?
Am I turning into one of the “old” people I said I would never become when I was a youngling or are kids growing up too fast these days? If any of you parents out there have handled a similar situation what did you do?
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- From: michcoy@xanga
- Name: Michelle
- About Me: I am a full-time nanny who loves to write whenever I can. I also love being outdoors whenever possible. Camping, hiking and kayaking are a few of my favorite activities.
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Comments (37)
I've heard of this, and it means nothing. It's not like the little boy is going to violate her or anything. They're just probably mimicking their older siblings because it looks fun and they want to play house. It's cute. Even if they kiss, neither of them will likely ever remember it as their first official kiss or official relationship. They'll look back on it and laugh. :)
I think the kid's definition of boyfriend/girlfriend is definitely relevant to determining the appropriate response. For example, tons of little girls say they're going to marry their dads --but you wouldn't freak out and think that they were incestuous, since they just don't understand the concept of marriage. Similarly, I've met little girls who had half a dozen "boyfriends", none of which were aware they were her "boyfriends". I suspect that at that age, it's more that they've heard the term being used before, but don't understand what it entails.
Wow. Yeah, this is shocking to me too. I had my first crush when I was five, and there was definitely no 'boyfriend' 'girlfriend' 'dating' talk.
i dont think that the kids are actually dating. the kids probalby just like every kids like each other so they want to be " boy friend and girl friend" i was the same way i thought i had a boyfriend when i was four and i even kissed him so yea
I don't think its a big deal The little kids don't even know what it means. They just wanna be like the grown ups.
@just_the_average_jane@xanga - Great example.
I got "married" in grade 2 then divorced after lunch was over
at that age, "boyfriends" "girlfriends" "dating" are all just words to us. In order to play "house" you have to have a wife and a husband, therefore we must get married, hahahha
I didn't think boys even liked girls at age three. I didn't start having crushes until kindergarten or first grade and I thought we had them sooner. Hmm. I guess times are a-changin'.
when i was three i told my dad i wanted to marry this boy in my class that was 6. he helped me write a card, cause he didn't think it was serious. it really wasn't, and the boy threw my card in the garbage can.
i'd be careful once it gets to around age 5-7 and they actually start to get curious... and go off to play "doctor" or house or other games wherein clothes might be removed ...
I don't think a little kid has any idea what they're doing. 15 year olds don't even grasp the concept of dating...
I think they pick up the language that adults around them use and go from there. I would be a bit concerned if that little girl was my child but having that one special friend isn't that big of a deal, it's just they are putting different words to it. I would have a talk with my daughter and also the little kissing boy (with his parents) about what kind of play is okay and not in just a matter of fact, just by the way type of conversation.
My oldest (5) has staked his claim on my friend's daughter (she's a year younger than him) from when he was 3. They have pretty much grown up together and are best friends, he is still sad that we live in different states now. A couple months ago he said that he wants to get married when he is 26, so she will be 25 and they will have daughters. He has their lives planned out completely (even if it does involve being an astronaut at 13). It is adorable but definitely not in the same category as this boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
OHHH GODDDD. Seriously. They're just being kids. They are curious, they imitate what they see from adults, older family/friends of family and on tv. And if u raise a kid in an affectionate family, they will proly try to hug and kiss anyone they enjoy being around. They dont know what they are saying. I had 2 boyfriends when I was 3, one was Tony Danza, one was my neighbor Nick- and I turned out just fine, i'm about to graduate college and I never got pregnant or any of that in hs. What was the father of this kid supposed to do, make a big deal out of it? I think thats a little extreme. When it comes to pre-teens having sex, YES, let's be strict and crack down. But a 3 yr old is a freaking 3 yr old.
My best friend is a Kindergarten teacher and has told me that she's had to separate kids (5-year-olds) when they tried to French kiss like they saw in the movies. (!!!) People NEED to freakin' shelter their kids more if they're learning stuff like that at such an early age!
@just_the_average_jane@xanga - Exactly.
XD it's a childlike innocent way of emulating adults. Just yesterday my four year old sister informed me her and two of her friends are going to All marry a boy they go to preschool with.
I thought everybody had a preschool/kidnergarten boyfriend. I know I did. He kissed me in the coat room once and then I spent the majority of my days running away from him because he had cooties. Gross! haha. I think "boyfriends" this young are harmless.
We don't tend to worry about it. At 9 & 7, the two boys have had "girlfriends" at school, but it's nothing serious...their definition of "girlfriend" is a girl that they hold hands with and hang out with at lunch.
On the other hand, a woman that I worked with a few years ago had two daughters, the 5 year old had just started kindergarten and had several admirers. One boy bought her a necklace and another tried to grab her and kiss her. The little girl started not wanting to go to school because of these little boys. It's definitely a case-by-case basis.
I think it is natural for them to imitate what they see and hear and the more they see and hear the more they will imitate which is why it is imperative to protect what your young children are exposed to.
My son had a crush on a little girl when he was in kindy, not even a crush really he just liked her more than the other girls. He told me he wanted to buy her a present and I explained that I would ask her parents because it was not really appropriate for little boys to give little girls tokens of affection at 6 years old. He picked out a tiny statue of the Virgin Mary (his idea!) and to this day she still has it and treasures it.
My middle daughter at 3 (!) went through a crush stage with a little boy in preschool. She was the spidergirl to his spideman, lol. When I run into the mom now we still joke about.
However.....while I acknowledge the normality of these stages we do not allow boyfriend/girlfriend/dating talk at any age or stage. In my opinion it minimalizes the seriousness of dating should be and it sets them up to want to date and have boy/girl friends earlier than they are developmentally ready for. Honestly what I find more weird than young kids claiming boy/girl friends is moms who talk about little friends as their child's boy/girl friend/future spouse/etc. That is creepy.
I don't think it's a huge deal. They just think it's kind of like a game. Plus, it's pretty cute. :)
@just_the_average_jane@xanga - Amen. She pretty much said it all.
My son 5 came back to me the other day and said "Mommy S asked me if I have a girl friend". My friend's daughter who is 7 confided to me the other day "I think I have a boy friend". And it was just some guy in her class she played a lot with.. I just let her and my son have an in depth conversation about girl friends and boy friends.. they are still too young to grasp the concept and it is all in play at this stage.. the age will come when we have to worry about it.. but not yet.. not just yet!
I know that kids like to mimic how the adults behave, playing dress up, playing house, etc. but the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is a little iffy for me.... I don't have a problem with it except that I wonder if it doesn't establish at an early age the idea that relationships are expendable and that it's okay to go out with someone new every couple weeks. When I was little I remember a lot of my friends running around with boyfriends/girlfriends... I was a little jealous and felt like I was missing out on the fun, but I didn't want in on the little people drama and even back then felt that relationships deserved more weight and were more significant than my friends were giving them credit for - even if it was just play. It's probably not a big deal until they get a couple years older and maybe grasp the actual concept of a boyfriend/girlfriend being more than just somebody who hangs out with you on the playground all the time.
...am I overthinking this, or no?
The kissing thing has been around since little boys were invented. :)
My older son who is now almost 6 not only has a girlfriend but has a sequence of events for their life: He is going to date K, kiss her, marry her, have two babies (one girl and one boys because two boys are too many). And to top it all off, I've been informed that I need to have another baby so I won't be lonely when he moves out of the house to live with K. The whole thing cracks me up
CUUUUTE!!! I love it